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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sad that friend is happy to be separated from her newborn for first 3 nights

543 replies

Whoneedssleepanyway · 26/06/2012 14:34

My friend is due to have DC2 in a few weeks and after a very bad labour resulting in some problems for her DS, she has booked into a private hospital for an elective CS.

I w her the other day and she said the hospital insist she stays in 3 nights and it is brilliant as they will take the baby to the nursery all night for her so she can sleep and will feed the baby for her as she doesn't intend to BF.

I didn't pass comment as this is up to her but I can't help feeling a bit sad that her baby won't be with its mum for the first 3 nights of its life but will be with some stranger, both my DDs slept with me (on my chest) for first 3 nights.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 27/06/2012 19:08

Im sure on some level shag youre trying to be helpful, but its actually incredibly hectoring how you're coming across. Not likely to be helpful or persuasive to a new mother feeling overwhelmed.

It's three poxy nights. That's all. Three nights. If it's possible for the mother/baby to be so damaged by such a tiny period of time, fuck it we might as well stick them all in orphanages from day one. Because we're all bound to do something rubbish, we might as well not bother trying.

Byecklove · 27/06/2012 19:09

Also, no one said that it's important for well babies but not poorly ones. The difference is that with well babies there is a choice.

Shagmundfreud · 27/06/2012 19:11

"Because, patently, the longer and better you breast feed is utterly indicative of how long, happy and fulfilled life you will lead"

I was talking about the baby's health and development. You're talking about the mother's interests, as usual.

Increasing breastfeeding rates is something all governments are doing to improve health outcomes at a population level.

And it's one of the reasons the things that those who are planning health care provision consider when they're planning how hospitals/maternity units should be run.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/06/2012 19:12

You see no one is disputing the facts you are so keen to impart. No one says you made it up or it's all lies.

You seem to be missing the point.

The point is, if a new mother does not feel able to do so, and needs help, if she thinks that if she is up all night feeding whilst recovering from a c section that it will impact on her ability to care for her baby, if she knows she has other children to take care of when she gets home and feels she will not cope very well on very little sleep, and a c section, then it is her personal choice. You may not agree that a mother should consider herself, but should however do what her baby needs.

I am of the opinion that the health of the mother and her ability to take care of her children is as important as sleeping side by side for the first 3 days. You don't agree.

But the point is, we all parent differently and when you post on this forum, with studies and accusations of selfishness, you run the risk of making new mothers feel unable to admit to needing help, as it will make them appear selfish and a failure.

That is the point. That is what you are doing.

You are offering no support or empathy.

It's cold, heartless and smacks of competitive parenting tbh.

VivaLeBeaver · 27/06/2012 19:13

Do you think midwives have got time to sit around cuddling newborns for hours on end?

On a nightshift, after midnight yes we often do. We do where I work anyway. Occasional nights if someone is ill then no.

There will be 4, sometimes 5 of us on a nightshift. After midnight its answering buzzers. It would be unsusual for there to be more than 2 buzzers needing to be answered at teh same time. So there are staff free to cuddle babies. But this is why we'd only have 2 or 3 of them out with us.

If the babies are awake then they are been held by staff, if they're asleep they are put in their cot. If they need a b/f they're taken back to their mum. If the ward gets busy and the baby is awake they're taken back to their mum.

They're not left to cry/abandoned.

TouTou · 27/06/2012 19:16

Good to hear a midwife POV Viva. Glad to hear the babies get cuddled.

And having had experience of my milk drying up because I was too tired (my DS was ill in hosp at 7 weeks and I hadn't slept properly in a week) I do feel that BF is much easier when you are well rested.
As soon as I had a nights sleep, my milk miraculously returned, thank God.

soverylucky · 27/06/2012 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsjay · 27/06/2012 19:22

no wind up soverylucky sadly Sad

mathanxiety · 27/06/2012 19:23

The newborn nursery where three of my DCs spent a few hours featured a varying number of clear plastic bassinets, each with a chart and name/number tag, with a couple of cc tv cameras pointing at the babies, and a nurse station in a little office off the room where the nurses could monitor them all while doing paperwork. The babies were all swaddled.

worrywortisworrying · 27/06/2012 19:23

shag I was referring solely to the child. You seem determined to decide what is my point is without reading what it is I am saying.

I do not believe your chances in life are determined by whether or not you were breasted in the first 72 hours of life and it's game over if you were not. That is all.

mumblecrumble · 27/06/2012 19:24

I had a horrid C section. Bled, blood transfusion, infection, seiziure due to inffection - they can be really nasty. It was unexpected. When my sister had tummy surgery on her bowel she had be rest for 4 days then was ordered to not lift anything heavier than a kettle. These care instructions were in my C section after care thing too....

Quite sure my 8lb baby weighed more than a kettle.... Quite sure that changing nappies, bathing etc etc is not the best for Mum.

It is not 'normal' Mummy time when you are in hospital feeling dazed on painkillers and sick from tablets. I am gald your friend has confidently ad sensibly planned what will be ebst for her recovery. She will be with her baby aaaaaalll day, prob till 10 at night for last feed, then prob up in morning with baby and then she wioll look after baby the whoooooooole of its life.

Shame she can;t fit round breastfeeding. I mean cool if she didnl;t want to breast feed anyway but shame if she feels this is the only way she could manage it.

I had a lovely health care worker hold DD to my breast as i fed to keep supply going. She had a few bottles of formula too when i was really sick.

Each Mum must do what SHE feels is best for baby and for her.

madwomanintheattic · 27/06/2012 19:25

Dd2 got cuddled a lot on scbu, as well. After I had gone home, she was more often than not the main baby out with the staff at night. Not because she was desperately in need of human contact, but because she was by far the most robust at 9lbs birthweight, and by that point quite capable of screaming until she got their attention. I think they quite enjoyed it.

I have no idea quite what shag thinks goes on in a nursery. I suspect she may be equating it to a Romanian orphanage.

Thank you for your realistic contribution, viva.

soverylucky · 27/06/2012 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chubfuddler · 27/06/2012 19:27

Lots of babies like being swaddled. And my dd wanted to do very little but sleep immediately after her birth, so whilst I was very happy to have lying by my side in her bassinet, if she hadn't been I doubt she'd have noticed.

mumblecrumble · 27/06/2012 19:27

And its very difficult to do crap when you have a canular in each hand!

holyfishnets · 27/06/2012 19:30

I slept with mine too - apart from I didn't actually sleep really much at all. On the third night, after non stop BFing the MW offered to have DS for a couple of hours. I slept for about three hours and it was bliss after being so sleep deprived. Couldn't be parted for any longer though, but that's just me.

TouTou · 27/06/2012 19:31

Mumble - not to mention the catheter teathering you to the bed as well!
And the cannulas kept twatting my DS and DD in the face. They are a nuisance.
I think you and I had the same birth. I was so jealous of friends who didn't have to go through that crap.

SuddenlyMadameGlamour · 27/06/2012 19:31

I have worked on a postnatal ward actually . Oh and been a patient on one. After a c section. And didn't sleep for the two nights i was there. Or at all for many after I got home. They were the darkest days of my life. I wish I had accepted more help so I could have happier memories. My dd had reflux. The two nights I was in hospital a midwife paced up and down my room rocking and soothing dd as I couldn't do it because of my cs. It was even hard for my to lean over and lift her out of the fit right next to the bed each time she cried. Dd was only soothed when the midwife did this. She needed the rocking motion that I couldn't physically manage. The midwife did offer to take her for a few hours so I could sleep but I stupidly refused, probably out of misplaced guilt (perpetuated by some of the opinions on this thread) and thought I would be seen as a failure if I took her up on her offer. Wish I had. A few good nights sleep in the beginning would have done me so much good as I got literally almost none for at least 3 months.

Oh and I love my dd dearly btw and always have, but I have no shame in admitting the first few months were incredibly hard.

exexe · 27/06/2012 19:32

I had a traumatic birth with ds2 and was in the high dependancy unit for 5 days. I didn't even see ds2 for 3 days as he was in special care. We're both fine. He's a lovely cuddly 4 yr old, well adjusted, bright and confident.

I'm sure you don't need to worry about your friend and baby.

Mrsjay · 27/06/2012 19:32

I do honestly think some people imagine a line up of snotty/pale/ weak 5 year olds who havnt been hugged or bf, I have used your example a lot in a discussion about things , sovery

SuddenlyMadameGlamour · 27/06/2012 19:33

Oh and I breastfed to 12 months in case it's relevant Hmm

Mrsjay · 27/06/2012 19:34

I swaddled mine It soothed them

mopbucket · 27/06/2012 19:35

My firstborn was taken from me and put in special baby unit for 7 days i was given a picture of him and had to express milk for him. It didnt come beween us the bond was there even tho i didnt even visit him for the first 24hrs, i think with a older dc your friend would better cope with sleep b4 coming home to hit the floor running Smile

LtEveDallas · 27/06/2012 19:36

Yes, thank you Viva, a sensible and reassuring post.

I know in my DDs case that she probably wasn't cuddled, because of the 1 hour in 5 rule, but many times I arrived in the Kintensive to find her dedicated nurse stroking her face Smile. Plus I know that when they fed her in the night they did it during kangaroo. German hospitals are the BEST!

Still, I'm glad to see that not a single person has been able to find a study proving that babies are better off in a cot next to mum than a cot in a nursery ward. Or more importantly that babies are worse off separated from mum for the night.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/06/2012 19:40

You see that's what I'm talking about.
It makes me so sad to think there are women out there like yourself, who are too ashamed to accept help when it's desperately needed.

All because someone decides what is best and forces their opinion on you, no matter how right you think you are, it's disgraceful.

FWIW I EBF. DD&Ds1
I couldnt bf ds2, and I lost count of the amount of people who quoted stats, figures, articles, and wisdom about how breast is best without knowing how it broke my heart at first not to bf.

You don't know what is in anyone's heart, and all the statistics in the world won't change how a person feels, it just makes them feel inadequate.

You should feel ashamed.