to feel sad that friend is happy to be separated from her newborn for first 3 nights

[Whoneedssleepanyway]

My friend is due to have DC2 in a few weeks and after a very bad labour resulting in some problems for her DS, she has booked into a private hospital for an elective CS.

I w her the other day and she said the hospital insist she stays in 3 nights and it is brilliant as they will take the baby to the nursery all night for her so she can sleep and will feed the baby for her as she doesn't intend to BF.

I didn't pass comment as this is up to her but I can't help feeling a bit sad that her baby won't be with its mum for the first 3 nights of its life but will be with some stranger, both my DDs slept with me (on my chest) for first 3 nights.

AIBU?

Tango, very similar experience to mine. Absolutely horrendous. If your friend had a traumatic labour the last thing she probably feels like is staying up all night with a potentially screaming baby. At least if she is rested she will feel she can better cope.

I honestly think the majority of mums would welcome this.

As a midwife I'm frequently asked to have babies overnight. We can't have them all becasue of staffing so have to prioritise the "neediest" cases. Sometimes we offer it to someone with a particuly unsettled baby where mum is obviously shattered - I've never had anyone turn me down yet. Women weep and call me an angel for offering.

Baby is warm, and cuddled by me so is perfectly happy. They're not neglected or left to cry. If they're bottle fed we feed them, if mum is b/f and happy for us to cup feed them we do that though we try to encourage mums to have them back for a b/f.

Mums have the babies back in the morning after a good few hours sleep so are feeling a lot better. Baby is perfectly happy.

Well said Shagmund. I also believe that how a baby is treated in utero, during and after birth, and in the hours following, have a lasting effect on that baby. Leboyer. It seems that quite a few people view babies as progammable inconveniences that need to be adjusted and tweaked to fit into our lives. Each to their own though, eh?

In the 70's, when my Mum had me they were in for 10 days and babies slept in the nursery, not with mum on the ward.

Mind you they also smoked and drank through pregnancy and were even

'prescribed' stout for iron.

Going by todays recommendations it's amazing any of us survived.

I never once saw my baby as a ' programmable inconvenience', some people should get off their fucking high horses, easy to judge when you haven't felt so desperate you considering killing yourself eh??

Well that wouldn't count as a well mother and baby would it. I'm talking about friends of mine, who really do see it all as an equation. This much food plus sleep equals that much free time.

So no, not judging. Stating my opinion based on things I've seen.

I wish someone had taken DS1 away for the first night. I might have slept a bit and perhaps managed to avoid the horrible, crushing exhaustion that, amongst other things, grew into my PND.

I still feel guilty about this and I know I would be judged by friends for admitting this in RL.

But that's totally different MissBetsy. They aren't friends if they would judge you for that. Very different to someone just wanting a decent night's kip.

No need to get defensive Tango, I never said anyone in particular thought that. I don't know you from Adam so how could I have meant you?

I think rest after major surgery, and before going home to look after a newborn and a young child, is an excellent idea.

seems to me that all the arguements against this would also apply to sleeping in the same room as your newborn but putting it in the fishbowl crib thingie - which most people do! you're not touching it there either while you sleep, my baby had more human contact in the nursery then it would have had in the crib while I slept!

the baby does not know if its a few feet away or a corridoor away

using a nursery is no worse for the baby and in some ways a bit better then using the fishbowl

This was actually the norm in the past for hospital births, up until the 1970s, I think. Babies would be taken from the mother and put down to sleep away from her in a group nursery room. They would often be fed by nurses too as they were on a feeding schedule from birth. The mothers were kept in hospital for a week or two to get their strength back.

Nowadays, you're woken up and bullied by the nursing staff to feed your baby in the middle of the night (I was anyway despite awful labour and pain) and kicked out the door as soon as possible. If you can't bf, you're pressurized and scrutinized until you can. All that matters is the baby bf-ing, your own welfare and need for sleep after a tough labor is irrelevant.

So those are the norms we have today: things change, people's views are different. Someone from the older generation who was used to the hospital system would judge you for 'spoiling' your baby and not having the discipline to stick to a routine and putting your desire to bf above the baby's 'need' to gain weight and get onto solids (that was the view in the past, not mine).

The judgey pants aren't so nice when someone else is wearing them, are they?

Flipping heck, what a lot of fuss! There is only one private hospital in the uk, and it has a nursery for newborns. There are wings on NHS hospitals but afaik there isn't an official nursery.
Anyway, I had my three privately and I can tell you that the hospital in question DOESN'T whisk the baby away until you ask for it back! "Rooming In" is heavily encouraged, as is BF. The bit I found very helpful was when I'd fed them and they needed changing, redressing/settling - all the bits you might reasonably expect your partner to do whilst you get a break - theyll do for you. They'll help establish a rythm for feeding - not a routine, and there are bf counsellors on tap. The nursery means that once they're down to sleep you can get some good kip too, and then they bring them back when they wake for a feed. The longest mine were away from me was 3 hours ish. If I'd asked for them to be taken away for an 8 hour stretch they wouldn't have done it.
Honestly it's no different to having your mum take the baby downstairs whilst you nap and shower, and certainly not worthy of loads of bonkers judgeyness.

(and Shag, you know I love you, your post with "but piss off anyway" has just made me snort! You tell 'em girl! )

OH SHADDAP!

hth OP. :)

c-sec pah! I've had three, plenty of women have traumatic and exhausting labours and still manage to care for their babies in those first few precious hours

I had an emcs under general anesthetic and was completely wiped out by all the drugs. There is no way I would have been able to look after DS the first night

I also believe that how a baby is treated in utero, during and after birth, and in the hours following, have a lasting effect on that baby

Now that is a statement that will cause a lot of women to feel like utter shit.

DS was born at 32 weeks, he was dying inside me (not sure how I could have treated him better in utero), during birth he was literally pulled out of me to save his life, after birth and the hours following he was intubated, drips, blood tests, transfusions etc etc. About as far away from the "perfect" entrance to the world as can be.

What will the lasting effects be? Please, do share

YABU and sound a little smug about the sleeping on chest.

I also believe that how a baby is treated in utero, during and after birth, and in the hours following, have a lasting effect on that baby

Interesting. What are these lasting effects exactly? How can you treat a baby in any kind of way when it is still in utero/ being born?

Yes you are being ureasonable. Not your child - none of your business!

I was adopted at 6 weeks.

Guess what?

I can't remember.

All i know is that i have a Mum who loves me.

And when i had DD they very kindly took her off to a nursery and i got to sleep after a very long labour and birth.

I got to BF her later in the day.

And continued to do so for about four months.

Bagofholly how sad that you went private.

I would be hugely surprised if Mothers were prescribed 'stout for iron' in the 70's.

In the 50's perhaps.

But the 70's isn't the dark ages.

Newbielisa

Goodness knows how the Human race ever got so big.

What a surprise.

I'm not reading all of this.

YABU. I was desperate and crying for sleep whilst being screamed at by my DS for the first few nights of his life. He only slept in short bursts during the daytime, and I spent every time trying to feed him but not succeeding because my milk hadn't come in.

Just let the woman get on with it, keep your 'feeling sad' for something more important.

every time = every night. all night.

I had DS overseas. 3 day hospital stay for normal delivery and 5 days for c-section is standard and encouraged (obviously they can't force you but they do like you to stay), especially if you have other children.

Option to room in or use the nursery (I used the nursery the first night - had DS at 6pm after a 24hr labour), 50/50 the second night and in room on last night. The nursery nurses brought him in to feed on demand and he was in the room with me during the days.

I left hospital feeling pretty good I have to say and having had several decent blocks of sleep.

DS appears unaffected by the trauma inflicted on him.