To be offended when someone says 'I could never do your job'...

[BlueberryPancake]

I used to work for a management consultancy firm, and after having my children I retrained and am now childminding.

Every time I go out and meet new people, there will always be someone (a woman, or more than one) who will say something like 'god I'd never be able to do that' or my favourite one - said to me this last Saturday at a friend's party 'I went back to work after 6 weeks because I needed some mental stimulation, I don't know how you do this, working with babies and children all day, it would drive me crazy'.

I could go onand on with more examples. And I could explaining why I feel offended by those comments, but I just thought I'd let you know, you people out there: I think that my job is meanful, valuable, essential in our society, I take my role very seriously and do my best every day to stimulate and care for children from 4 months old. And I wish people, especially other women, would respect what I do and value it more. There.

You could say, 'It makes me feel proud of my skills when people say that to me.'

I have had a lot of people say they couldn't do my job (totally unrelated field) and it is because they do not have the necessary skills, personality or qualifications. I am unremarkable but just happen to have an unusual combination of the qualities etc required.

Try not to be sensitive about it - be positive about yourself. Think about how much you give to the children in your care - it isn't just about the 'minding' in order to allow parents to work.

i said that just the other day to someone ...i could nt do your job !
and i totally meant it as a compliment.
She does a particular job I have tried, and couldnt cope with because it was too stressful for me !
So if I were you, I think it is BU to take offence at that comment, however, I would take offence at "I needed some mental stimulation !" which implies childminding is mind numbing as opposed to stimulating ! maybe it is to some ? but I would hope that someone trained as a chilminder would find it stimulating !

I'm really pleased to read that you take your job so seriously. I think the title 'Childminder' is poor - you do a lot more than just 'mind' the children until their parents return. I agree with others on here who say that 'I couldn't do your job' is usually meant as a compliment. I think the reason that phrase can grate is because it implies that if you had an attractive alternative, you might go for it.

I for one have the utmost respect for anyone who does a good job with babies and toddlers. Those early years are, without a doubt, the foundation for a successful life. I have two birth children, an adopted child and a foster child. On a daily basis, I see in my own family just what a difference it makes to a child to have had a secure and positive start in life.

A couple of times I have told people I couldn't do their job. I meant it as a compliment ie I admire their abilities in comparison to my lack thereof. I didn't realise I was being offensive.

And I wish people, especially other women, would respect what I do and value it more. There.

Er I think they do, they are admiring your ability to do something they could not cope with.

You are being over-sensitive.

I was a cancer nurse for 10 years, I lost track of the number of people who told me they couldn't do my job. Even my patients while I was treating them!

I always tell people that it works both ways. I worked in banking for 2 years after leaving school. I almost had a breakdown, it was the most boring, pointless, mind numbing work I even had had the misfortune to do
One day my boss walked passed my desk and found me sitting here with tears streaming down my face unable to speak. I left soon after!

I love nursing! I love caring for the dying. I don't mind poo, wee, vomit or blood. Sitting in an office all day however makes me suicidal

I like small children and have considered childminding so don't feel that your job is anything special OP however I could NEVER do a job with TEENAGERS. I hate teenagers (I have a currently horrible one so maybe I'm biased).

Imagine being a secondary school teacher

See, we all have a job that we know we just couldn't do.

returntowork but I'm sure you didn't say it in a patronising way. It's all about the tone of voice as a pp pointed out.

Of course someone saying in a respectful or admiring way "I couldn't do your job" is not offensive - I'm sure that's the kind of tone you get daintynuts.

But someone saying the same thing rather condescendingly is very different.

The important thing, though, is to know the difference and be pleased rather than upset by the former.

I think this is a case of looking for offence where none is intended

I think you were offended because the remark about needing some mental stimulation suggested that you somehow don't need any mental stimulation ergo you are stupid. Which is thoughtless and sneery and unkind. So YANBU to be offended.

OK another example. The other day, I was at one of my minded children's birthday party - he turned one. We were having a conversation and one of the mums said - the very typical - I can't wait to go back to work, I am fed up of this baby talk, and always changing nappies and all that mess. Really - and she turned to me - I don't know how you can do this every day.

Is this meant as a compliment? Did I missread it again? Because it felt to me as if she was saying that this work with children and babies is way below her. Not that she can't physically or mentally do it, it's just too boring.

Then I explained to her that with my job:

• I am my own boss
• I make my own rules
• I run my own business
• I can be there for my own children (especially that I have a child with special needs) and my previous job I had to travel a lot and wouldn't be home one week out of four, minimum
• I don't have a (generally stupid) boss breathing down my neck
• I spend most of my time playing outdoors and I don't have to spend 10 hours a day in front of a computer responding to some stupid emails and dealing with office politics
• I make money (not as much, but I take about 60 days holiday a year!)

Anyway, point taken from everyone here, I will generally take it as a compliment and answer back 'Thank you for the compliment'.

but so what? You obviously like spending your days with small children. Good for you. The other woman doesn't, and wouldn't, literally, do it if you paid her.
Is she supposed to pretend she too can't think of anything she'd like better in case you get offended at her accurate statement?

Cop on to yourself.

"Thoughtless, sneery and unkind"? telling the truth? You need a big bag of cop on as well.

"Thoughtless, sneery and unkind"? telling the truth? You need a big bag of cop on as well.

I think some people would genuinely mean it as a compliment, but others would be implying that looking after children provides very little mental stimulation and is messy work that they can't be bothered with. SAHMs are on the receiving end of this attitude too. My DD's childminders (a mother and daughter-in-law team) were amazing - they provided her with an education - taught her letters and numbers and songs on top of the basics of nappy changing, potty training, wiping up spills etc. I know they found childminding to be a mentally stimulating activity as they were incredibly interested in early years learning.

No, she just meant she's different from you. Not better. Different.

Ime most people are just making conversation. Not setting out to deliberately put you down

Fwiw I couldn't do what you do. I'm not nice or patient enough but I'm bloody glad people can and do do your job

Be careful you don't end up with a massive chip on your shoulder

I don't think them saying that is saying they don't value your job, afterall it is them and peopke like them who employ you isn't it?

thats because for some people looking after small children does provide little mental stimulation and they can't be bothered with it. Who cares what they think, unless you're insecure in yourself?

Blueberry- your latest post makes me think- yes that was insulting!

Your response is perfect. I especially like the bit about playing outdoors all day instead of being stuck in an office. And 60 days holiday- bloody good for you.

FWIW- I find looking after children very mentally difficult- you're anticipating needs and trying to get them to do what you want without being angry, yet still being firm, and having discipline methods that will work, feeding them healthy food, toilet training, socialising them, trying to do educational stuff etc etc.

Whoever thinks it's easy isn't doing it right! I take my hat off to you.

aren't you being just as "insulting" about people being "stuck in an office" then?

Why should people 'especially other women', respect and value what you do unless you happen to be looking after their kids?

It sounds to me as though it's you who has a bit of a problem and perhaps you see becoming a CM as a bit of a 'come down'.

OP, I couldn't do your job but I'm grateful that others have the patience to do it! Don't take offence at the comment at all. FWIW, I work in Politics and everyone thinks they can do my job.......

YABU. I'm a nursery nurse and the idea of being a childminder isn't for me. I admire the good childminders who work hard and care for their charges.

I often have people say they'd rather work with old people, but it's not for me. I love preschool age best.

i collect debt over the phone.
business to business, but sometimes you get people who are very personally involved, and you still have to advise them of impending legal action etc etc

some people think they couldn't do it. they probably could, it gets really easy once you get used to it.

although in this case they probably are saying 'you are evidently a bit more thick skinned than most!' ...i think most people could do my job.

YABU and it sounds like you're the one with the problem. I don't respect and admire every single profession out there, simply because I don't have the time nor head space to think about it in great detail. However, if I met someone at a party who mentioned they did a job I'd never really heard of before. I might say "oh wow, I could never do that. I'm terrible at Maths hehe!" It's conversation and just saying I really couldn't do that because I don't have the skills.