To have icecream in the freezer? DP says I am addicting dc to sugar

[accessorizequeen]

This is an ongoing saga in our relationship but basically dp has no self control at all so if something's in the house he'll eat it every day. If there's cream for a recipe and I don't use it for a couple of days, it'll be half gone. He's repeatedly asked me over the years to not have anything like that in the house (butter, cream, icecream, choc, crisps, baking anything is tutted at). When it was just us, I think I complied a bit more or we argued about it or I hid stuff I can't really remember.
But we have 4 dc (8, 5, 3yo dts) and most of the time there is stuff around although imo they don't eat much crap and I think (I could be wrong) that they have a fairly good diet with plenty of fruit, veg, wholegrains, protein and I'm happy to provide some snacks/treats. I stopped buying biscuits at dp's request some months ago, as he was eating most of them and he said he'd prefer the kids had better snacks. Now he's asked if he can throw out the (virtually full) 2.5L tub of icecream I had bought to keep for emergency puddings. Because he will eat it all otherwise, and I am not helping him and I don't care about him and I am getting the dc addicted to sugar as he is.
I don't know where to go with this, I'm really angry at him for telling me basically that I don't care about my dc's diet when I do all the grocery shopping and the vast majority of cooking too. I've found it difficult for years that he whinges about me having cream in the fridge to make custard etc, that I can't have a spare pack of biscuits when visitors come but most of all that I feel as though it's up to me to make up for his complete lack of self control. I have a problem with sugar too, I have been on weight watchers for a month and what's letting me down some of the time is wanting choc every day but I'm trying (and succeeding largely) to have a small amount and plan for it. Last night I had a bowl of the delicious iceceam as I'd planned for it. Then this morning he starts on about throwing it out.
We are having problems in our relationship and I'm struggling to feel much for him right now (getting over extended period of depression & anxiety). I'm not trying to hurt him but he sees it that way - I don't care enough to get this stuff out of the house. But he's a 40 year old man, why the hell should I remove everything that I and the kids like a bit of during the week because he can't control himself? He's so bloody weak and will admit he is but I'm fed up with the guilt every time I want to do some baking with the kids! If he had his way, I wouldn't have any pudding at all in the house, how the hell do I do that with 4 dc? Why can't they have pudding some nights? Last night it was jelly, sometimes it's banana and custard, or icecream and sprinkles and I made cake last week which I suspect he's thrown the rest out.
Opinions?

Actually, DamnBamboo , my DH is a senior Oxbridge biochemist who works in this area; he says that there is increasingly strong evidence that sugar IS the problem, in that fat and protein don't create the same cravings for more calories as sugar does. But it's true that it's not HFCS that's particularly bad - all sugar is bad.

I certainly don't know that much about nutrition. But I can quite believe that sugar can cause cravings in quite a lot of people. Somebody told me it could have something to do with insulin levels. If you eat sugar, then your body produces insulin, if it produces too much insulin then it craves more sugar. I hope more research is done in this area.

I think the difference between banning something and not having it in the house depends on how you react when the item does find it's way home.
If you react with a shrug of the shoulders and an "oh, well - once in a blue moon won't hurt", then you probably simply don't have that foodstuff in the house very often. If you react by feeling personally offended and upset then you are probably 'banning' it.

I have a pack of Sainsbo Savers choc digestives in the house and the kids have a couple after school or a couple of oatcakes.If they're hungry after tea they have the fruit bowl,a fromage frais or tinned fruit in fruit juice.They have a piece of banana cake,frube or a home made fruit muffin(or whatever else I bake) in their lunch box.At the weekend I may make an apple crumble.They have sweets now and again but never really ask, they have Easter,Halloween,Xmas,bday stuff.They have the odd ice cream out in the summer.

They have more than enough sugar imvho. Too much probably,may try to cut down more.I don't fill my house with piles of crap though and they don't need,crave,nag for anything.If I had hoards of sugary stuff in we'd all eat it a,get used to it and want more.I tend to have baking stuff in then if we're really starving and I can be arsed I bake something with oats or to use up rotting fruit in said fruitbowl.I know exactly what is in said baked goods.

It stops you picking and grazing on crap.Works for us.

I really think your poor dp op needs a bit of support and credit for trying to sort himself out.If you didn't have weight issues yourself I may have some sympathy but really supporting your dp would help you too.

Oh and watch The Men who Made Us Fat you may have more sympathy for your dp after.

As I said before, children do not NEED a high amount of saturated fat, and it seems the FSA agree with that too..

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7228312.stm

Also don't forget sugar is in everything-cereal,baked beans,ketchup etc.They'll be having more than enough anyway to need a bowl of ice cream and sprinkles.

I think the fact op you're so jittery about not having ice cream in the house kind of indicates you may be addicted to it too.If my dp asked me to not buy ice cream I really wouldn't be bothered.I only like the uber expensive stuff which costs a fortune and would be happy with the odd cone out,ditto the kids.I'd be proud of dp and want to support him.

Err, thanks for that donin

Not sure why you mention your DHs qualifications but since you want to try and 'pull rank', 1) your DHs quals don't touch mine in either rank or quality and 2) my colleague who is a pharmacologist (look it up if you don't know what that means!) has got chair in a this exact field from Oxbridge and is very well known for his work. Maybe he knows your DH? Maybe they've argued at conferences. I work in the field of Diabetes and Endocrinology myself and am not an expert in addiciton, but i know some of the best in the world.

You'd best head off (DH and maybe yourself) to do some more reading since you'll notice I said there was no good evidence not that there wasn't any.

And what you read in the literature is often only as meaningful as the scientists understanding of it in the first place.

I think it sucks that he makes YOU responsible for his issue.

If he were an alcholic, would it be your job to never have drink n the house?

If he is an addict, he will need to go for treatment or therapy.

If he is just weak willed he will have to
LEarn restraint. Self control. Grow up.

So that your kids can have a normal attitude to food, which can include puddings and cake.

YANBU. He is projecting his food issues and anxieties onto the rest of you and this could affect your children.

Well done for going to Weightwatchers OP. It's an excellent way of taking responsibility over your food. Weightwatchers recognises that small portion controlled treats prevent off-the-wagon orgiastic bingeing!

Desserts can often be healthy so I personally don't see a problem with having them every day : (fruit, yoghurt, banana bread,).

Your DP is wrong to make his food intake YOUR job and your fault.

He has an excellent point. Ice cream, biscuits, cookies, chips, whatever, are bad for human beings, adult or child.

I am not going to out myself (again), but when I say my DH works in this area, I mean it. Works in this area. PI of multimillion pound grants. I myself am not dumb, thanks very much for the bitchy patronising. The clue is in the name.

tinkerttitonk, they are not bad, only if consumed in limitless quantities.

a piece of nice cake on a Sunday afternoon is in fact very good for you. as is a ncie glass of wine every now and then. Or having some fun.

I have a lot of sympathy for the guy, but he needs to own up to his issues.
Overeaters Anonymous of Great Britain.

I wouldn't be at all bothered if my dh said no sweets or snacks in the house, and could certianly do that to support him. But no butter, sugar, cream, baking goods? That is really extreme. I enjoy a bit of baking and think that it should be a part of the life of small children as a fun creative activity. Plus I make lots of jam so we always have sugar (and lots of jars of jam!)

I grew up in a house with no sweets but puddings every day. Our deep freeze always had ice cream and biscuits in it, but we never felt the inclination to dive in (plus we would have been in serious trouble if we had). I still feel that way now. I like to savour treats not binge on them and that's how I hope to bring up my children.

The only patronising here don (thanks for pointing out the meaning, I'd never have guessed ) is you!

Both in your first and now second post. Clearly being an academic at Oxford is very impressive, that doesn't mean some others don't know what they're talking about or aren't just as knowledgeable or don't know others who are.

I have no intentions of outing myself or my colleagues at all and I believe you when you say he works on this area; I suspect my close friend and your DH must know each other and probably fairly well if your DH works in the field of addiction! 'Tis a small world really isn't it!

OP YANBU - you are his partner, not his mother. He is a grown man who needs to take responsibility for what he puts into his body, rather than casting the blame at others.

Goodness, I didn't expect quite so many replies. It was really interesting to see what other people's take was on it. I found some of the suggestions a bit ott (like leave him, or counselling even) and there was food for thought whether I am just not taking his needs into account at all. I seriously doubt he is addicted to sugar as he ignores lots of sugary things, and often gets carried away with Lurpak or double cream in the fridge. He admits himself it's rarely emotional eating. In fact I am the one who has more of a problem with sugar and it does affect my moods greatly so I'm trying to cut down. I just hadn't/don't equate that with having nothing sweet for the dc (or me, if I feel like it) in the house.

To clear up a few things as all these things have been asked:

1. I am overweight, DP is overweight, the DC are not (which both of us are at great pains to continue). DS1 has always had problems putting on weight tbh.

1. I have lost weight since starting WW and I think it's helping my approach to sugar - I do crave sugar but am trying to be moderate about it instead of outlawing it which I feel is more achievable for me and a better message for the dc but I could be wrong there!

1. There's been quite a lot of posts about all the sugar in the house - to clarify, today there is the aforementioned tub of icecream which has been in the freezer for 2 weeks. There is also a tub of haribo sweet packets which are used for 'sweetie saturday' for the kids. I occasionally have one of these and DP never afaik. During the week there were some freddo frogs which I use as a daily treat for myself on WW (cannot give up the choc!) and we had some crisps. I bought some choc fingers on Fri nite which got eaten immediately. There are probably meringues and a box of custard which have been there for a month or more! I honestly don't know if that's too much, it seems alright to me. Sometimes there's more but usually for picnic lunches or friends over etc.

1. I have 'emergency puddings' because quite frankly I have 4 dc and I struggle to cope with them (thus the 2 yr at times suicidal depression). I find handing out a scoop of icecream in a bowl with choc sprinkles helps with that when things get dicey periodically. Can I say again that they haven't had any of the icecream yet?! Although they got an icecream each at softplay today because ds1's friend was having one and we didn't see it coming to argue the toss!

1. Like someone else on the thread, I really really enjoy baking. It's therapeutic for me, I don't do it for the results - they're a bonus. I used to do a lot more but don't have much time for it these days and the guilt from dp puts me off. I should add that if my DM or DS bakes something for the family I get whinges about that too and can it go back with them etc? Takes all the joy out of it really

Having said all that, I have had 2 further chats with dp today and we are going to try and compromise with some of the ideas e.g. having yoghurt and frozen bananas, sorbet/frozen yoghurt instead of icecream, keeping baking/treats to the weekend only. DP did apologise for saying I was getting dc addicted to sugar and said that wasn't true, but he felt frustrated with my lack of emotion about the issue.

I do still feel that he's trying to put a lot on me, but he says he's just 'asking for help'. He's always said this. I feel like a bit of a heartless bitch tbh, because he's lovely and supportive to me about my depression/anxiety/panic attacks and I can't seem to support him in this because I feel resentful or perhaps I just don't care about him enough. It's much worse since we had all the kids, I start feeling I've got 5 of them not 4.

Thanks again to everyone who bothered to reply !!

Reread what Hecate says up thread...

"i think your partner has got massive food issues and needs help. if he can't control himself, this is HIS problem and it's not fair of him to avoid taking responsibility for it by trying to make you his keeper.

He can't make this your fault. It's not. Don't let him.

He needs to get some help. At the moment he is fooling himself that it is somehow your responsibility/duty to prevent him from binging."

She (and I) know of what we speak

If he were alcoholic then it would be easier to keep alcohol out of the house. I deal with it mostly by:

a) not having a DH so I can do what I like
b) "treats" are things (on the whole) that we buy and eat outside of the house so I don;t have to deal with them in the house.

b is a good option if you don't to try a) and try to think of non-food treats for when you are end other end of your tether, some of my morbid obesity came from food being used as a reward and me continuing that trend.

And don't allow yourself to feel like a heartless bitch, just do the best you can to help him and give your DC's good habits.

and bake for school events rather than family.

There have been several messages since I started writing my post.

DC do not have puddings every day. Where did I say that? They had jelly last night (usually sugar free) and tonight tinned peach slices as we were short some fresh fruit (juice, not syrup) then a piece of fruit each after.

I was brought up that sugar was BAD and craved it from the moment I could get to the shop and buy it. My father put us all on a rampant no sugar, no salt, high fibre, low fat diet. I think I've had an unhealthy attitude to food ever since I think, it did me no good at all (same with TV!). I wanted to do it differently with my dc. But when I think of all the 'treats' they're getting at home, their GM, school/nursery, when we're out it's adding up to more than I feel comfortable with. It's hard to control it all once they're at nursery/school when they get puddings with every meal. I think the stress of the past 3-4 years has meant I've got into some bad habits relying on too much sweet stuff. Which is what DP has been trying to say too, but he's not the best communicator really!

I do think about sugary things a lot, and I want them every day. But I have cut down hugely from what I was eating and I'm losing weight. I want to be able to control it and enjoy a sweet thing now and again like normal people. I am not banning them from my life or my dc for fear that they too will end up like me. It does seem that cutting down would benefit all of us, and might help dp also feel more like I care about him enough to do so .

Regardless of my thoughts, this here is my suggestion

You buy a packet of biscuits - then you place equal amounts of those biscuits in 5 tupperware boxes each box is tuck box and has the member of the families name upon on.

If your OH doesn't want his biscuits and wants to throw them away - then that is fine, but he must put them in the bin and he must not touch anyone elses food in their own tuck boxes.

Once the food in the tuck box has gone - it is gone and will not be replaced until next week.

The ice cream gets 5 names written on it and the amount in weight each person can have - if he wants ice cream he will have to weigh the amount as tell him he is not allowed to sit and eat everyone else's portion.

This is about sharing and not eating others family members food.

Thanks kewcumber, I think the message about rewarding only with food is an important one. Not sure whether/how often I do tbh.
The lemon drizzle was supposed to be for a school fundraiser but didn't work out that way! I didn't grow up with all the baking stuff because I think my mum was forbidden with the 'Pritikin Diet' (anyone remember it, it sends shudder down my spine...). I just need to rein it in, doesn't need to be every week nor does it have to be baking.