To have icecream in the freezer? DP says I am addicting dc to sugar

[accessorizequeen]

This is an ongoing saga in our relationship but basically dp has no self control at all so if something's in the house he'll eat it every day. If there's cream for a recipe and I don't use it for a couple of days, it'll be half gone. He's repeatedly asked me over the years to not have anything like that in the house (butter, cream, icecream, choc, crisps, baking anything is tutted at). When it was just us, I think I complied a bit more or we argued about it or I hid stuff I can't really remember.
But we have 4 dc (8, 5, 3yo dts) and most of the time there is stuff around although imo they don't eat much crap and I think (I could be wrong) that they have a fairly good diet with plenty of fruit, veg, wholegrains, protein and I'm happy to provide some snacks/treats. I stopped buying biscuits at dp's request some months ago, as he was eating most of them and he said he'd prefer the kids had better snacks. Now he's asked if he can throw out the (virtually full) 2.5L tub of icecream I had bought to keep for emergency puddings. Because he will eat it all otherwise, and I am not helping him and I don't care about him and I am getting the dc addicted to sugar as he is.
I don't know where to go with this, I'm really angry at him for telling me basically that I don't care about my dc's diet when I do all the grocery shopping and the vast majority of cooking too. I've found it difficult for years that he whinges about me having cream in the fridge to make custard etc, that I can't have a spare pack of biscuits when visitors come but most of all that I feel as though it's up to me to make up for his complete lack of self control. I have a problem with sugar too, I have been on weight watchers for a month and what's letting me down some of the time is wanting choc every day but I'm trying (and succeeding largely) to have a small amount and plan for it. Last night I had a bowl of the delicious iceceam as I'd planned for it. Then this morning he starts on about throwing it out.
We are having problems in our relationship and I'm struggling to feel much for him right now (getting over extended period of depression & anxiety). I'm not trying to hurt him but he sees it that way - I don't care enough to get this stuff out of the house. But he's a 40 year old man, why the hell should I remove everything that I and the kids like a bit of during the week because he can't control himself? He's so bloody weak and will admit he is but I'm fed up with the guilt every time I want to do some baking with the kids! If he had his way, I wouldn't have any pudding at all in the house, how the hell do I do that with 4 dc? Why can't they have pudding some nights? Last night it was jelly, sometimes it's banana and custard, or icecream and sprinkles and I made cake last week which I suspect he's thrown the rest out.
Opinions?

rockpool I can only tell you what my GP and HV have told me. Seems to make sense.

The alcoholic comparison did cross my mind when I initially replied, I think the main difference is children will come across situations a lot earlier where they will independently, without adult influence, have to make choices about food on offer and to teach them how to moderate themselves is really important. It's also a skill useful for learning about alcohol later on.

Also sweet/high fat foods don't dramatically change people's personalities, decision making skills or body control.

YANBU

He needs to take responsibility for his own shit and deal with it himself, blaming you for his issue is not on. He's giving himself a get out clause for when he fucks up-just blame you.

Outright banning of particular food groups is not healthy overall and teaches your children nothing about moderation and self control.

He shouldn't pass on his food issues to his children. At this rate he will.

Is he like this about any other things too?

My other half will come home from work and devour the contents of the fridge, cupboards etc. I was relating my experiences to the op.

Hmm. Tricky one. On balance I think he is being unreasonable.

Blaming you because he can't control himself is a cop out. Denying you and the DCs because he can't control himself is a cop out. Moderation is the key to healthy eating. You are doing that on weight watchers. Having planned treats is the sensible way of controlling sugar intake.

Your children need to be able to moderate their sugar intake and they won't learn how if it is a banned substance. It only becomes more attractive.

He needs to control himself. Which doesn't mean never having sugar. It means knowing it is a treat and allowing yourself a small amount. However there are some people who cannot control themselves around certain substances and never having them is the only way to go for them.

What was his experience of sugar growing up?

Doesn't a low fibre diet lead to constipation?

I'm on the fence on this one. I don't think one person should be able to control the food in the cupboards for a family of 6. BUT if someone posted on here "I'm on a diet and my other half keeps stocking up the cupboards with treats and snacks when he knows I can't resist them" I reckon most posters would say that the OH in that situation is being unreasonable.

Personally, I never buy cake or biscuits because I know once they are in the house I will want to eat them. My husband very occasionally buys biscuits and is ordered to eat them asap. I am fairly slim and don't have a problem with food but I do know myself well and I know that I am good as resisting treats in the supermarket, but not in the house. Perhaps the OP's husband is the same?

I think it's interesting that food is a huge issue in so many families. (Look at that recent thread by the mum who threw her daughter's dinner in the bin because DD wouldn't eat the beetroot.)

It was certainly an issue in my family when I was growing up. I was determined not to make it an issue with my own DD, but unfortunately I've failed. (This is partly my fault, but also in great part down to the influence of other people, e.g. grandparents, DP, DD's friends, DD's friends' parents.)

So, what do I think? I think yes, sugar is addictive. I don't think refined sugar is a necessary part of children's diet - we've only been eating refined sugar for about 200 years, after all. At best it provides empty calories; at worst it may have a role in heart disease. (See the recent article and programme about the men who made us fat.) So you really don't need to serve puddings, particularly things like shop-bought ice-cream, which has no nutritional value.

OP, you mention you have a weight problem - do your children have a weight problem, or are they OK?

But I also think it's very very hard to impose a no-sugar diet in the modern age. We're exposed to sugary foods all the time and once you've developed the taste, you want to experience it again and again. So I would say that the OP's bananas with custard and home-baked cakes are a good compromise as they both have nutritional value in the sugar.

I realise this doesn't answer the question. Is there any way to compromise? e.g. could you reserve puddings for weekends only, e.g. buy/make the pudding on a Saturday and eat it the same day? It does seem as if your DH is unable to control yourself - and I've come across people like this. I have a friend who, if she has a packet of biscuits in the house, will eat the whole packet in one sitting.

So - you do all the cooking and shopping, and he then complains about what you have bought? I have lots of sugar/baking stuff/puddings in the house. DH likes to dig into them so we don't have certain things (jars of nutella for example) in all the time, but he can exercise self restraint.

Tell your DH to get some willpower. It's apparently like a muscle - exercise it and you will eventually find it easier to do so. If you ban sweets etc form the house, your kids will just get their sugar fix elsewhere and probably with less in the way of moderation.

So, he has no self-control and he has been relying on you for years to control his access to sugar. I don't think his problem can be solved by saying "get a grip", but he definitely needs help and he needs to accept this. What about counselling or hypnotherapy?

If he doesn't bring this under control, he's going to pass his issues onto the children who will also grow up with no self control.

I think he needs some counselling to deal with his issues with food. Honestly, I wouldn't be able to live with that. You shouldn't have to live with that. It's not normal, and sooner or later, the kids will pick up on his issues and will end up adopting them too.

He is a grown man, and needs to take responsibility for himself. It doesn't sound like he is just greedy, because as a greedy person you wouldn't be insisting on throwing perfectly good food out. Definitely some bigger issues going on. Good luck!

YANBU. This is his problem that he's trying to put on you.

He can't control his own eating so he's trying to control everyone else's.

You need to teach your kids that most things are fine in moderation but how are you going to do that with him controlling everything?

Encourage him to get some help to shift the control over the shopping, onto the control over his own body.

They're saying sugar is as addictive as cocaine now.

"Children require a high calorie, high fat, low fibre diet"

they certainly dont need saturated fat though, and do not NEED puddings..

When I was a kid, people only had desserts on a Sunday or when you had guests to dinner.

we did have a pudding every night when I was growing up, but we had a small main meal to compensate, as my dad had a sweet tooth, and his tea wasnt complete if he didnt get pudding!

On the fence. You sound a bit U. I expect me and h to support each other. If I or the dc wanted a pudding in these circumstances, we would have one out in a cafe, or buy individual items to eat at home, rather than keeping a supply. I know ny dc nag for sweets when they know we have some in, but not when we don't. A better compromise is to buy as and when. Yes, the OP has rights in her home, but so does her DP.

WorraLiberty that seems sensible.

i really don't know why there is such a big thing about food.

They're saying sugar is as addictive as cocaine now

Not very addictive for me then. Cocaine isn't actually very addictive anyway, not to the same extent as opiates.

The reason children like sugar is because their taste buds detect sweet things above other tastes until they are older. Eveything in moderation I say. No food is bad. If you deny things completely they just want it more.

I think DD1 always wanting a dessert has come from school dinners. Until then she wasn't bothered. But as she needs 1800 calories a day, has no problem with concentration at school, sleeps well, is very fit and healthy and bang in the middle of the healthy weight range. I am fairly relaxed about it. As she sees me not having desserts very often I tend to think she will grow out of it once her palate changes. I wasn't as bothered about sweets from secondary school and started to like things like mushrooms and olives which I had previously detested.

You could always get frozen yoghurt, it has half the fat and sugars that ice cream has, and tastes just as good, in fact better in my opinion.

The ben and jerrys chocolate one is lovely and that was my "treat" when I diet.

I think he needs to stop making it your problem. He needs to seek help himself. If he were having counselling or going to a ww group or whatever and then as part of that asked for all unhealthy food to be removed from the house, that would be a different thing - but the whole "I only eat this crap because YOU buy it and leave it lying around for me to find" - well he isn't taking responsibility for himself at all.

I don't buy a lot of chocolate/icecream/cake etc because I know that if it's in the house I will eat it as I have huge sugar addiction problems. THat's my problem though and I would never blame dh if I ate a packet of biscuits that he bought and let in the cupboard.

Our dc's are a healthy weight and eat a varied diet, they are just as likely to choose carrot sticks as a packet of sweets if offered the choice, which is something I'm more than happy with.

On the fence.
If you are 100% happy that you and the DCs can have ice cream without endangering your own health, and you are 100% cross-your-heart happy that you are keeping it in the house for their sake, not in order to give you an excuse to eat it, or as part of a nasty power game with DH (both these things do happen) then I'd wrap it in police tape and keep it in the freezer. If he can't restrain himself from ice cream wrapped in Keep Out sticky tape then he needs psychiatric help.

I think hackmums suggestion of reserving the baking and sweet treats for the weekend is a really good compromise. It might mean being a little more inventive in the week, but it might encourage both you and dh to find alternatives you really enjoy.

If cooking is an activity you do in the week with the kids you could always swop to making pizzas, or creating smoothies as a dessert.....

I still don't think you should back off completely though and stand by the theory kids need to learn about self-control. It's easy to restrict their diet when you have full control, but it's honestly so difficult for some people to regulate themselves when they're adults if they've never been allowed to experience moderate levels of junk.

your partner has problems with self control and he is greedy,
that isn't your fault and why should the children or anybody suffer because he can't be responsible for his behaviour,
there is supporting somebody then there is this, children can enjoy a cake or a sweetie and have a balanced diet, children need some fat in their diet for their health giving kids a complete low fat diet isn.t great for their bones,

tell him you will be giving the kids treat buy them and hide them from him if you must but let them be in the house,