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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that gender selection should be legalised in the uk?

413 replies

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 22/06/2012 14:05

I have three glorious boys. I would love to have a girl as well.

I really don't understand why PGD for gender selection is illegal in the UK. I completely accept that it should not be funded through the nhs, but can not see why couples can not pay privately.

You are not choosing eye colour etc, simply the gender of your child to balance your family dynamic.

If ivf couples are allowed to pick/choose/freeze embryos, why is PGD illegal?

Aibu to think that it should be legal in this country? I would not be trying to create a 'superior race', just balance our family with a girl - a daughter for me and DH and a sister for my sons.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateBiscuitCake · 23/06/2012 20:12

exotic I am genuinely interested to know how many children you have and their sex. From your responses, I assume you have both but "genuinely wouldn't have minded had you had all boys/girls"??

I am yet to meet a mum of two+ boys/girls who say that they wouldn't love a child of a different gender. I think anyone who says different is saying what they think is right and probably not being deeply honest.

If you equate this discussion to that of shopping and being spoilt, then I will hold my hands up. The technology is available. I would much rather pay for it then abort a baby of the 'wrong' sex (which I obviously would never even consider doing, but don't be naive enough to think that many women don't...because it is possible in the uk and it is happening every day...not just for cultural reasons).

I didn't expect understanding on this thread (so thank you to those who have been a little). I feel comforted that I am not the only mother on MN who would like a daughter!

OP posts:
5madthings · 23/06/2012 20:23

actually exotic has 3 boys and i am pretty sure she has said that on this thread?

as i said i have 5, the first 4 boys, the last, our bonus baby, not totally planned is a girl. and i never wanted a girl, i hoped each time for a healthy pregnancy and straighforward birth and healthy baby.

i am not sure what you hope to gain by having a girl? my dd is only 18mths old and yes i like buying her lovely clothes but the reality is she is just her own little person, just like her brothers and i dont see any parenting differences and i dont feel it has 'balanced my family' each child just adds another dynamic, regardless of their sex.

lowfatiscrap12 · 23/06/2012 20:23

that is rubbish ChocolateBiscuitCake. I have 3 girls and each time I was pregnant didn't mind at all what I had, and if we had number 4 I still wouldn't mind in the slightest. Not at all. Not bothered. No preference. You might not believe that, but it's true.

DorisIsWaiting · 23/06/2012 20:28

YABU

I couldn't have PGD to screen out a life limiting condition (CF) as I already had one non CF child.

PGD is expensive there is no way this would be available for average families to 'plan their families', - it feels odd even typing that statement.

I was grateful that DD3 will not have to suffer the same medical burden that dd2 does. I was not in the slightest bit concerned about her sex.

I think we (as a society) have lost sight of what truly is important in regard to child birth. When people like the OP think that having a 'balanced' family is an appropriate reason to implant one embryo over another.

Just because we can doesn't mean we should.

DorisIsWaiting · 23/06/2012 20:30

Just xposted with your last

I have 3dd's, I love having 3 dd's and have absoluetly no desire for a boy. I just feel immesnsly lucky to have a family.

Empusa · 23/06/2012 20:36

"I think anyone who says different is saying what they think is right and probably not being deeply honest."

Wow! I've never met a psychic before!

CaveMum · 23/06/2012 21:56

I say again, be bloody grateful for what you have and stop complaining that you don't have what you "want".
Right now I'd happily give my right arm to have 1 child of either sex.

Empusa · 23/06/2012 22:06

Oh Cavey :(

CaveMum · 23/06/2012 22:14

Thanks Empusa [sisterly fist bump]
We're still plugging on.

fuzzpig · 23/06/2012 22:26

I agree that lots (but not all!) of people with one gender would love to have the other gender too, and hope for it when they are pregnant etc. But that IS different to wanting to deliberately choose the sex of a child using invasive medical procedures.

fuzzpig · 23/06/2012 22:29

And a supposedly-un-MN-but-actually-now-very-MN (((((((HUG))))))) to Cave and anyone else struggling. xx

PizzaSlut · 23/06/2012 22:38

YABU, although I have a DS after having 2 DD's I would never play god.

I would be grateful for whatever family I'm given and respeect the fact that I can be the prent to both sexes.

If DS had been another DD, they woud've been treated the same as the others and I would accept that would be the family I was given.

OP I've not read the whole thread but have you considered ingender.com as they would understand your desire for a girl.

exoticfruits · 23/06/2012 22:44

I have 3 boys-chocolatebiscuitcake-I said so quite clearly early on. Had anyone asked me before I started I would have said at least one of each- BUT each time I knew that it was 50/50 and I think it terrible that a child should be 'second best'. A child is a gift-many people sadly don't get one despite years of heartbreak and so to actually give birth and then say 'I wanted the other sex' is greedy and selfish. It makes it all about you and what you want-it should be about the child. People in the west are just too used to ordering what they want-it is wonderful that a baby is not a commodity and you get what comes! Long may it continue.

GooseRocks · 23/06/2012 22:45

Well said exotic.

exoticfruits · 23/06/2012 22:49

I just get so sad that people think they can order a baby like buying a handbag! You start knowing that you can't so why get upset?

Northernlurker · 23/06/2012 22:50

'I am yet to meet a mum of two+ boys/girls who say that they wouldn't love a child of a different gender. I think anyone who says different is saying what they think is right and probably not being deeply honest'

Well OP - meet me. I had two daughters and we decided we wanted a third child. We absolutely 100% had no preference boy or girl. All we wanted was a healthy baby. When she arrived we were overjoyed. Had she been he we would also have been just as overjoyed, no more, no less. That's me being deeply honest with you.

exoticfruits · 23/06/2012 22:50

We get this terrible 'me', 'me', 'me' society where people want life the way they order it-generally it doesn't work out that way!

DillyTante · 23/06/2012 22:51

I'm sure gender disappointment is a real and horrible feeling. Despite it's irrationality I'm not sure it is something people can help. I think people who can't for one moment sympathise with the fact that other people feel differently are just as small minded as they perceive the people who they are judging to be.

However I don't agree with gender selection for non-medical reasons. It's messing about with nature too much. Fine if you can't help but feel desperate for a child of a particular gender, you may not be able to help that. But you can choose not to have a child if you really can't bear the thought of having the opposite sex you desire. Ultimately, no one knows how they are going to feel when they have a child.

exoticfruits · 23/06/2012 22:52

Same here Northernlurker-having a third was nothing to do with wanting a different gender-we were just thrilled to have a healthy 3rd child.

DillyTante · 23/06/2012 22:54

'I am yet to meet a mum of two+ boys/girls who say that they wouldn't love a child of a different gender. I think anyone who says different is saying what they think is right and probably not being deeply honest'

Honestly don't. Mum of two girls & while I was slightly disappointed I would never know what it is like to have a son, I have absolutely no desire to have boy now, not even if I could guarantee it.

exoticfruits · 23/06/2012 22:55

It is actually a lot simpler to have 3 of the same sex and cheaper!

DamselInTornDress · 23/06/2012 22:56

I'm a mum of boys who never wanted girls. 100% honest on that. I was/am afraid I would not be able to protect her from preditors. Having a daughter was my biggest fear. I'm happy with my boys. I would have made a good Arab wife Wink

5madthings · 23/06/2012 22:57

do you know when i thought about having a family i never really thought about the sex of the children! i always wanted a large family and am so grateful to have my 5, i just wanted easy pregnancies and hoped for healthy babies and was lucky enough to get that.

tbh if i could afford to i would have more! but unless we win the lottery its not happening!

and can you answer my question please op, what type of balance is it you hope to get by having a girl? i really dont understand the idea of balancing a family? you get what you get and they are all individuals and people in their own right, with different traits and characteristics regardless of gender.

exoticfruits · 23/06/2012 22:58

Mine are now at the girlfriend stage and that it lovely-you can really appreciate them and the female company.

picnicbasketcase · 23/06/2012 22:58

I have a DS and a DD. I would only want another child if it was another girl. So we will not be having a third child because you don't get to choose and I would hate to have a child if I ended up having any sense of disappointment or resentment about it.

I think you should only have a child if you are going to be happy whichever sex it happens to be and it would be dangerous to let people choose which sex they want as there is bound to end up being an imbalance.

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