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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if you want to work in silence, don't go to a coffee shop

777 replies

whimsicalname · 22/06/2012 13:31

I was in a chain coffee shop this morning, across the road from our city museum, waiting with my 2 year old for it to open.

I was drinking my coffee, he sat opposite me eating raisins. Other people were working, or chatting, or reading the paper. You know, doing normal coffee shop stuff.

After a while, the boy gets up to wander around. He's not running, he's not sticky, he's just mingling. He walked towards a man with a laptop. Stood nearby him, and then said hello. Man looked up at me, and said 'do you mind, I'm concentrating here' in a really unpleasant way.

If I'd been with a couple of friends chatting we'd have made a lot more noise but I can't help but feel he probably wouldn't have told us off!

We were across the road from the university library (which has some open access areas) and all of 200m away from the city central library, so plenty of options for quiet. Blimey, he could even have sat in the cathedral for some quiet contemplation.

AIBU or was he?

OP posts:
becstarsky · 22/06/2012 15:07

I go to coffee shops to work quite often. I don?t think coffee shops are a place to ?mingle?. For me, they?re quite the opposite - a place to get a bit of headspace. I like that there's a buzz of background noise, it helps me concentrate. But someone speaking directly to me when I'm trying to work - whether it's a bloke chatting me up, or someone's child that the parent has let wander around... It completely wrecks my productivity and is very annoying. I try to be understanding if it's a lonely old lady - it must be hard to be lonely. But I hate blokes chatting me up when they can see I?m working, and if I wanted to talk to a child at a coffee shop then I?d be there with my DS. Paying for my DS to be in childcare so that I can chat to someone else's 'mingling' toddler would be extremely annoying.

But unlike the bloke in the OP I'm too much of a wuss to tell them so, so I usually leave as soon as they speak to me and go to another coffee shop in the hope of being able to concentrate. Which means I leave a lot of half-eaten brownies and half-drunk cups of tea behind me...

MamaMumra · 22/06/2012 15:07

YANBU lots of people seem miserable bastards intolerant to children

domesticgodless · 22/06/2012 15:09

oh get a grip you bunch of mealymouthed childhaters.

The OP did not expect a stranger to entertain her child. She expected him not to be rude in front of a child.

The weird anxiety around children (other than your own presumably genetically superior offspring) is just palpable on this thread. Get a grip. If you don't want to talk to a 2 year old just don't make eye contact and keep tapping on your precious laptop...they soon get bored and go away.

In the meantime, possibly you should adapt to the fact that other people's children are not about to be banned from public space any time soon. Deal with it like adults ffs.

pictish · 22/06/2012 15:10

He wasn't rude.

And just so it goes in....

HE WASN'T RUDE

Paiviaso · 22/06/2012 15:10

YABU.

The child was directly interacting with him, that is distracting. The man was in full right to not want to get into conversation with anyone.

MamaMumra · 22/06/2012 15:11

Grin domestic

MamaMumra · 22/06/2012 15:12

He was kind of rude, if we are talking about ^polite^ cOmpany Grin

manicbmc · 22/06/2012 15:13

He wasn't in their company and hadn't sought it either.

domesticgodless · 22/06/2012 15:13

cheers Mama...glad there is still some sanity in this nasty little country full of 'sealed pod people' (Viola you put it so well).

It is rude not to take account of the fact that 2 year olds, who are people you know but people who are developing into adults, behave and interact differently from adults. And you lot on this thread who thought it was OK for that grumpy sod to be rude in front of the OP's DS (to be fair it does sound like he was trying to be rude to HER actually, not the child whom he presumably viewed as a sort of irritating yappy dog rather than a person), you are all rude too. And your attitude to children is a depressing reflection of what a selfish, intolerant place to live Britain is.

EXmrsmascarahead · 22/06/2012 15:15
Brew
LadyClariceCannockMonty · 22/06/2012 15:16

I don't think he needed to be so rude, but if it were me and I was busy concentrating I'd have said a quick 'hello' with a smile, then looked back at my work and hoped the child wouldn't pursue things further.

If they did I'd have looked at the parent in mute appeal, then said (nicely) to the child 'It was nice to meet you. I have to work now though.'

TBH I never very rarely feel like having a conversation with a toddler if I've gone to a coffee shop alone for some downtime, and I don't think that's unreasonable.

But, again, he was rude, so basically YANBU.

MamaMumra · 22/06/2012 15:19

I agree domestic what's little tolerance goes a long way, and I'm not sure everyone who says they can't stand other people's children are being entirely truthful I hope

exoticfruits · 22/06/2012 15:19

If I was brave enough I would pick up the next wandering toddler, sit them on my knee, tell them stories and feed them with cake. I am not brave enough! I know full well that I am only supposed to be friendly on the mother's terms so it is easier not to interact at all! Once some people get to be parents they expect to control the whole environment of the DC-it doesn't work like that!

exoticfruits · 22/06/2012 15:19

I would be on MN as 'how dare the old bat in the cafe do this with my DC!!'

Pendeen · 22/06/2012 15:20

YABU I'm afraid.

I would probably treat your DS to my unencouraging but very charming smile and carry on with what I was doing.

bobbledunk · 22/06/2012 15:20

He could have said hello and gone back to his work but previous experience would have informed him that the child would likely have stayed on to pester him until he got distracted by something else while the mother ignored the irritation her son was causing.

Nobody else is obliged to interact with your kid, most people won't do any sort of interaction now out of fear that they could be stuck with an annoying toddler ruining their concentration/meal/conversation/thoughts... The problem is parents who wrongly believe that everybody else is fascinated with their kids and refuse to recognise the right of people to not be disturbed by them.

This man was not asking for silence, he was telling you that he was not prepared to be pestered by a boring toddler. Big difference.

yabu.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/06/2012 15:20

"Man looked up at me, and said 'do you mind, I'm concentrating here' in a really unpleasant way."
If you consider that rude, do you also consider he was responding to the rudeness of the OP allowing her son to interrupt him? OP was perfectly capable of using her eyes and her judgement to see that someone was busy and didn't want to be disturbed. Yet she allowed it to happen. Rude.

exoticfruits · 22/06/2012 15:21

Sorry I forgot 'dirty'old bat. (Generally strangers who touch babies on MN are dirty!)

Jins · 22/06/2012 15:23

Another place where I will inevitably be considered rude for having no interest in communicating with anyone or their child :(

PropositionJoe · 22/06/2012 15:25

Aw, your little one only said hello! I expect if he had started yakking you would have told him to come back to you or taken him away, since you didn't expect the man to entertain him. The guy should just have smiled back if he didn't want to get into inane conversation with a two year old, there was no need to be nasty.

PrincessTamTam · 22/06/2012 15:25

YANBU. He was rude for no reason. He could have said the same thing without being rude.

MeeWhoo · 22/06/2012 15:25

I think he was being rude and at least he could have addressed your DS, instead of you. It is rude to ignore a "hello" whoever it comes from.

He could have said "hello, I am working now so I need a bit of silence" or something like that, which the mother is going to hear anyway. If that doesn't work, then, by all means address the mother.

And "the man was within his right not to go into conversation with anyone", agreed, but you can acknowledge someone without going into conversation.

domesticgodless · 22/06/2012 15:26

on the contrary Mama it sounds to me like they are. That charming post ending 'piss off kid!' regarding a 5 year old 'ruining' a camping trip said a lot to me.

Adults have become so much like kids themselves, clinging angrily to their 'me-time' and expecting to be allowed to float around in their nasty little consumer bubbles, that they have forgotten how to interact with different members of the society they live in.

From some of these silly posts, you would think the OP's 2 year old possessed the supernatural power to pin adults to their seats and FORCE them to talk about awful toddler ishoos for minutes on end, while of course those eternally SELFISH mothers who insist on taking their children out (IN PUBLIC no less!!) commit the appalling crime of reading or somesuch.

I have never witnessed such gothic torture of innocent adults in coffee shops; largely because adults who don't want to talk are not much fun for kids.

What's palpable from this thread is how ludicrously anxious and intolerant of children even parents of other children have become. Get a grip. They're kids and they are going to keep being born and coming into your orbit. If you don't like them, unfortunately like other inconvenient citizens like people with learning difficulties (who also have the temerity to start conversations!! unbelievable), elderly people, etc, they have the right to occupy space without being gagged- so you had better find yourself a space where there aren't any. Going to be tough, that, unless you stay indoors all day.

takingiteasy · 22/06/2012 15:26

I'm going to do the whole toddler mingling thing on my next night out.
Just stand there, smiling and telling the victim that I done a pee on the toilet today and my car is red.

Psammead · 22/06/2012 15:29

YWNBU. Not a fan of the seen but not heard crowd. He could have just said 'hello! Oh, where's your mummy? There she is, off you go to mummy!' and you would have got the picture and rounded him up.

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