to think if DH really loved me he would want another baby ...?

[WantsAnotherOne]

Have N/C but suspect some of you might recognise me....i just don't want anyone from rl to

i know i am definitely probably being irrational and U

please wise MNers talk some sense into me...

i really want another DC. we have 2 already, aged 6 and 3. eldest DC is from my previous relationship.

i am 32 and DH is 40 but he just doesn't seem keen atm. saying things like we can't afford it at the moment, the kids are getting easier now they are older, we won't be able to do much without the dc as babysitting will become harder, there will be less room at home, we won't be able to afford to go on holiday (either with or without dcs) etc etc. he says he loves having time with just me and it will become so much harder if we had another one.

i do agree with his reasons to some extent but none of them are insurmountable. yes things would be harder but surely it would be worth it? they just all seem like excuses to me. we earn decent-ish money IMO. dh is on about 25k and i work part time earning about 5k a year and our housing costs are quite minimal.

i am a romantic though and can't help thinking that if he really loved me he would want to have another baby with me. it would be amazing for the dc to have another brother or sister, 3 has always been my "perfect number" of dc.
i also would like the experience of "trying" for a baby with someone i love as both dc were unplanned (although much wanted of course) and that makes me sad.

the 3 years since DH and I have had our youngest have been so happy and its been blissful raising her with the man i love as i never had that with my first dc as i wasn't with his dad. i am baby mad at the moment and incredibly broody :(

The OP is a bit strong. But I know how she feels. The urge for another baby is truly overwhelming. There are times when it's first and foremost in my mind for days! Sadly there is no middle ground. Round here, it's the hope that there's still a chance that keeps me going. If DP went for a vasectomy, against my wishes, that would be the end of our relationship.

Sorry you feel like this OP and I do understand this.

I only have one and DH does not want another. Nothing to do with not loving me at all.. he adores me and DD .. he is an amazing man who pretty much gives me everything I want , I can generally talk him into anything but one more baby.
He is very honest and has said he is sorry, if he was even a bit interested he would go for it with out question , but he simply feels that he is dead set against another baby and simply cannot consent to it. It is not something to be half hearted about as we all know...as others have said it is more than just the first few years commitment.
DH has even said that he wishes he didn't feel so strongly about it as it means so much to me...but where we are now with the three of us is perfect for him.
As others have said there is no compromise on this, both of you must agree.

Please don't feel that your DH doesn't love you enough, its just that you want different things.

I will always hanker over another baby and a playmate for DD but it is sadly not to be so I count my blessings that I have a perfect DD ..... and the longer time goes on .... I am finding that this is enough... I am so enjoying her ..

Babbi, lovely post.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I know exactly how she feels. I was that woman whose partner didn't want children enough to go through fertility treatment/adoption (though shagging was just fine and dandy by him ). So I did it on my own - because I didn't love him enough to give up on my idea of having a family and presumably he didn't love me enough to put up with the invasiveness of treatment/home study. But that was a fundamental divide - family or no family. I can quite see why anyone (including me) wouldn't feel that it was the ultimate test of their true devotion adding an extra child to an existing family.

It wasn't my choice to stop with one child. Life interfered. Luckily I made the decision totally on my own and didn't have to play love oneupmanship with my DP.

I think your DH is being practical monetary wise in the very male sense (and female if you are me!) You should, I think, have pride that you are with a man who is realistic and not willing to max out credit cards/spend money/jeopardise your relationship and family if you do not have the money to have yet another child that he does not want by the sounds of it nor will be capable of paying for. We are female. We want babies sometimes. But sometimes men want other expensive things and we as females are the first ones to judge and tell them they are being impractical and selfish. I'm sorry to say OP, but you are being both of them. UABVVVVVVVU. Put your ovaries back in and realise that there is a recession going on and that all you will do is drive your DH up the wall, increase outgoings and then be left as a single mother as you didn't COMPROMISE as a couple. Harsh, but sadly true in these times.

This post really annoyed me. And also my DH. I'm so very sorry to those who may be offended, but this is my opinion and my opinion only.
To be perfectly honest, I feel that your subject line 'to think if DH loved me he would want another baby....' (notice the dots at the end to exclaim loss of self-worth and open-ended fluffy 'oh woe is me') really pisses me off. How pathetic and needy do you sound? Female to female - what the hell? Grow up. Do you think our grand mothers thought these things? They blooming well didn't! They were SMART. Stop watching blooming reality tv. It is not reality. THINGS - be they cars, houses, pets or children need to be PAID for. You sound like a silly, low self-esteemed teenager. Ugh. Comments gratefully welcome, but I bet I am not the only one thinking this or is MN only supposed to pander to this logic? I think not. It is founded by strong individualistic females. God I am peeved after reading this bunch of nonsense from this poster!!! What is wrong with some people that they think they can just pop out a couple of kids and hell mend any working man who knows what they can and can't afford. Oh that's right, your ovaries made you do it. And there is always the 5 credit cards you can rely on. Unbelievable.

I don't think the OP meant "if he loved me he would give me a baby" as such, though that's how it reads. Maybe just that she feels like because they love each other so much, DH should want to have more children with her? Not that he should do so against his wishes, but that he should want to IYSWIM.

It still sounds pathetic, needy and immature to me, apologies. I am not one who looks or reads what a person has said and then tries to decifer it to be less offensive. You say what you say in my book and most often that is the truth.

And Cheerful Yank no IDSWYM - pls stop trying to twist it in such a female way that it is 'acceptable'. Female arrogance is so awful. For God's sake.....HE doesn't want another bloody kid, SHE does.
Come on ladies, would you force a female to have a kid when she has said no? Pretty much the same in my view - just hypocrytical opinions.

Love is not shown by having children that are not wanted.

OP, YABU. I understand how overwhelming it can be, but really, YABU.

Well all right then, that's me told. :o

I only meant that for some people, part of deeply loving someone means that you want to have children with them, and I was only suggesting that perhaps this is how the OP feels. I'm not saying she's "right", merely that this might be where she's coming from.

And I've never had a credit card.

YANBU to want another child, but it's coming across more like you want a baby not a human being that will grow up. So where does it stop? Babies are only babies for a very short period of time.

Seriously, if a man came on here and said 'if my wife really loved me she'd have another baby' there would be an uproar about emotional abuse. You can't blackmail your husband into having another child. If you do 'succeed' you'll probably end up with all sorts of marital problems because he'll resent you.

Notnanny How dare you imply a child can be replaced. All that shows me is you don't view your children as human, just toys.

Also do you think the child (if you force the issue or trick him into impregnating you) won't be aware they wee not wanted by their father? Do you realise the impact that can have on a child/your other children?

You're living in a bubble OP.

Ugh, this thread has taken on a slightly misogynistic tone now that is turnign my stomach. IVant, are you serious? Silly little woman OP and her silly lady hormones, lucky she has a big strong serious man to rein her in,eh?

Hate all this talk about being allowed to have another baby, and dhs 'consenting' to their wives being allowed to have one. Babbi, I'd be having serious words with your DH if I were you. Sorry, but he sounds very selfish.

Also can't get over how many people are telling her to 'grow up' just because she would like another baby with the man she loves!!

I'm sorry, but if you are desperate for a baby, and your husband really loves you, he will agree to it. It would be one thing if the op was homeless and they already had 6 kids, but they are both in employment, have a reasonable income - her husband just isn't willing to put her needs first. That would really make me question my DH's love for me.

What, so because one wants baby, one should have baby? No matter the cost to everybody else already alive and kicking? No matter if that child isn't wanted by both parents, all because the woman wants one and should get one?

Get real. It isn't a toy we are on about here. It is a LIFE. You can not play Bingo with a life, and have a tantrum because you want one but you can't have one. She already has 2 children, it isn't like she has been completely stopped from having any.

So yes, she does need to grow up and stop throwing her own dummy out the pram. Everybody wants things in life but it don't mean we can have everything.

And sorry, but yes. You sort of do need him to consent (just like women must otherwise everyone would be screaming leave the bastard) considering it is HIS sperm she needs to not only give HERSELF a child, but HIM too and he has a say in whether he wants to father more children whether you like it or lump it.

God forbid treating a bloke anything more than a sperm donor. Everyone would be up in arms if a bloke treated a woman no more than a human incubator.

The OP has already said the household income is 30K, which really isn't a lot. The kids she already does have are going to have to do without things if she had another, when they go to high school.

Fact of the matter is the OP isn't being realistic, her husband is. He obviously feels happy with how his life is right now, why OP don't you just enjoy the life and children you have right now (who i might add are really young anyway)instead of craving this other baby. It really is childish.

Again, the misogyny. She's not having a tantrum. She's expressing her perfectly reasonable wish for a baby. She's aware it's not a toy - as you say, she already has two children.

Disgusted by the thinly veiled sexism on here, by women! She's not 'throwing her dummy out of the pram' by wanting a baby - how telling that many of you see it that way - it says a lot more about your outdated attitudes than it does about the OP.

I sense there are a lot of issues going on too behind some of these posts!

I think using emotional blackmail, even in your thoughts sought of is.

At the end of the day, I still understand where she is coming from, but I am encouraging her to be realistic. Views like yours are only going to feed her resentment.

Agreeing to bring a child into the world you don't want just to satisfy someone else's desire seems to be the height of selfishness, it puts the child's need to be wanted and loved by both partners right at the bottom of the list of priorities.

"it would be amazing for the dc to have another brother or sister,"

How do you know? They might resent another sibling. Having three might upset the dynamics of the family you have now. Your third child might not be as well behaved as your three year old. Your husband might resent the intrusion and upset a third child may cause and just say "you wanted it, you take responsibility".

Sadly, I know at least three women that this last point has happened to, two of whom then went on to split up with their husbands. The third just gets taken for granted and treated like a drudge.

At 40 your husband is probably looking forward to more child free time with you as a couple and fewer sleepless, baby interrupted nights. I think some men put the baby years behind them with a sigh of relief and perhaps your husband is one of them.

I'm sorry, but if you are desperate for a baby, and your husband really loves you, he will agree to it.

That's the biggest load of crap i ever heard on MN, and that's saying a lot.

It's not crap to suggest that if someone loves you they will put your wants and desires before theirs, and it's so sad you see it that way RichMan.

The thing that will feed the OP's resentment most is her husband refusing to agree to another child, not me! It wouldn't surprise me if that causes her to split from him in the future rather than them having another child.

She's asking him for a baby, not to convert to Satanism for fuck's sake. A baby is generally a nice thing!

And going by your posts yeshewouldyouknow, that is exactly what women should do, have a tantrum until you get what you want