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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if DH really loved me he would want another baby ...?

380 replies

WantsAnotherOne · 19/06/2012 16:55

Have N/C but suspect some of you might recognise me....i just don't want anyone from rl to

i know i am definitely probably being irrational and U

please wise MNers talk some sense into me...

i really want another DC. we have 2 already, aged 6 and 3. eldest DC is from my previous relationship.

i am 32 and DH is 40 but he just doesn't seem keen atm. saying things like we can't afford it at the moment, the kids are getting easier now they are older, we won't be able to do much without the dc as babysitting will become harder, there will be less room at home, we won't be able to afford to go on holiday (either with or without dcs) etc etc. he says he loves having time with just me and it will become so much harder if we had another one.

i do agree with his reasons to some extent but none of them are insurmountable. yes things would be harder but surely it would be worth it? they just all seem like excuses to me. we earn decent-ish money IMO. dh is on about 25k and i work part time earning about 5k a year and our housing costs are quite minimal.

i am a romantic though and can't help thinking that if he really loved me he would want to have another baby with me. it would be amazing for the dc to have another brother or sister, 3 has always been my "perfect number" of dc.
i also would like the experience of "trying" for a baby with someone i love as both dc were unplanned (although much wanted of course) and that makes me sad.

the 3 years since DH and I have had our youngest have been so happy and its been blissful raising her with the man i love as i never had that with my first dc as i wasn't with his dad. i am baby mad at the moment and incredibly broody :(

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 19/06/2012 21:35

"the whole experience" of trying can actually be pretty shit. Just have a glance at the infertility threads if you want to know how shit. The idea that if you love someone you should be prepared to give them what they want is so moronic I can't really engage with it.

WhiteWidow · 19/06/2012 21:41

Why have 3 and be scrimping when you have 2 and are comfortable.

They don't stay young for long, when they're a bit older they'll be much more expensive, so if you have a 3rd you'll struggle.

If I were you, I'd not have the baby. I'd make sure the 2 I already had had the best

WhiteWidow · 19/06/2012 21:45

And holding a man to ransom like 'if you loved me you would' is ridiculous. Fair enough, I'd be pissed off if he had no reason to say no. But this man has. They're living on 30k a year, that isn't a lot. It'll be even less when they're a bit older and need more clothes, school trips, pocket money etc.

And surely if YOU loved HIM you'd stop making him feel bad about it. Have you thought about how he feels? Maybe he would like a baby but knows he has to be the practical one about it.

yeshewouldyouknow · 19/06/2012 21:46

'The idea that if you love someone you should be prepared to give them what they want is so moronic I can't really engage with it.'

Chubfuddler, I find it really sad that you think that way - I can't even begin to see how that idea could be described as moronic! Pretty much all the happy couples I know have relationships where they try to make each other happy and give each other what they want...my DH and I certainly do, and we are extremely happy!

ShullBit · 19/06/2012 21:46

yeshewouldyouknow, the same applies to the OP. If she loves him, she would put his desires and wants before her own.

Works both ways.

Whatmeworry · 19/06/2012 21:47

And yes, I think you're right to think that if your DH really loved you, he would put your wants and desires before his own. That's what you do when you really love someone. You are broody and perfectly reasonably feel as if you would like another baby, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! I would question my DH's love for me if I was that desperate for a baby and he refused

Leaving aside the reciprocal nature of love (ie if she loved him she wouldn't do it), yeshewouldyouknow I take it you will pay for all these non refused babies, or is it the State's job?

AltruisticEnigma · 19/06/2012 21:48

You're being unreasonable, sorry to say.

I can understand why you want to have another child, don't get me wrong but you both have to agree to it. It's not that the points he puts across are unmovable as you say. WANTING him to change his mind isn't unreasonable but the statement 'If he really loved me' is a dangerous one. It's emotional blackmail for a start, the most usual of forms of it. It's not healthy and it's abusive in a sense, because you are making the person feel that if they don't do x, y or z then you wont feel loved by them. That's emotionally damaging to someone when they love you so much. I know your biological clock is ticking for having another one.

Talk to him about the possibilities of how you may be able to get round having another one. Also ask him if money wasn't an issue, would he want another one. If he says no then you have your answer. It doesn't matter if he earned £100k a year he'd still not want to have another baby. Maybe 2 is enough for him or maybe he feels like he's getting older and would be less able to run around after them I don't know.

I hope you both sort it out and come to a joint decison on this one.

thebody · 19/06/2012 21:48

It goes both ways love,,, you need to respect his wishes, yabu..

Chubfuddler · 19/06/2012 21:49

There's a big difference between trying to make each other happy and giving in to "if you loved me emotional blackmail. But thank you for feeling sad for me (by which you mean "I think my marriage must be much better than yours and feel rather smug about it"). It means a lot to me.

WhiteWidow · 19/06/2012 21:52

I use the 'if you loveeddddd meeeeee' as a jokey way to get shoes (I fail)

I wouldn't do it to create a life.

yeshewouldyouknow · 19/06/2012 21:53

I don't know anything about your marriage Chub, I just know that if something meant that much to me, my DH would make it happen.

I think that this will lead to trouble in the OP's marriage, a few years down the line, she will feel great resentment towards her DH for denying her what she really wanted. Far more chance of that than him looking at their third child and feeling resentment - you regret the children you didn't have more than the ones you did IME.

He's getting his way on this, and it seems very unfair to me - why does he win?

AllYoursBabooshka · 19/06/2012 21:54

yeshewouldyouknow, What happens when you both want something different?

yeshewouldyouknow · 19/06/2012 21:54

Thebody,the OP's husband isn't respecting her wishes.

AllYoursBabooshka · 19/06/2012 21:56

Win? How immature.

This a childs life they are considering not if they get a pizza or a Chinese takeaway.

Chubfuddler · 19/06/2012 21:58

Being coerced to make a human being I didn't want would cause me serious problems down the line.

MrsHelsBels74 · 19/06/2012 21:59

But there is no compromise in this situation, either someone doesn't have the baby they desperately want or someone has a child they don't want...it's not about winning. If they are going to stay together someone has to agree to the other's point of view.

I agree being in a relationship is about trying to make the other person happy but sometimes it's not possible. I would never expect my husband to do something he vehemently disagreed with just to make me happy. It works both ways.

everlong · 19/06/2012 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OwlsOnStrings · 19/06/2012 21:59

yeshewould - okay, so in a marriage the partners should respect each other's wishes. That isn't the same as "doing exactly what they want". And in this case there's no compromise option. They can't have half a baby.

ShullBit · 19/06/2012 22:00

Win? Really?

FFS, it is a LIFE we are talking about here. How about you think of it from the Childs point of view? Not just the one the OP wants, but the ones that already exist?

It is selfish to put others out, force them into things, and completely change others lives just for your own selfish reasons.

Dprince · 19/06/2012 22:06

I fancied pizza for tea tonight. Dh wanted Cajun chicken and salad. I didn't really want that but agreed. He was happy, we can pizza tomorrow. That's compromise.
Some people are discussing having a child like its similar to picking what to have for tea. Its bizarre.

PatriciaHolm · 19/06/2012 22:28

Pushing someone into creating a life they don't wholeheartedly want is wrong. It's fundamentally different to deciding where to go on holiday, what car to buy, what bread to buy, the normal compromises people make with partners.

Creating a baby unwanted by one partner simply isn't an option that a happily married couple can realistically take; it's a real life.

openerofjars · 19/06/2012 22:41

Okay, the last time either DH or I tried the "you would if you loved me" line over who was going out to pick up the takeaway we had the grace to feel ashamed it was me . I would never pull a stunt like that over anything more important than, say, shoes.

Similarly, trying for a baby is rubbish . We only tried for a year for DD and that was bad enough: it put me off sex, we stopped communicating, I cried buckets every time I got my period, thought the start of every period was implantation bleeding, went batshit crazy symptom-spotting etc. There are people on the conception threads who have been trying for years and I have no idea how they can keep it going: I am in awe of them for the commitment they show each other in the face of all that disappointment. What if your DH agrees to your demands, you do try for a baby together and it takes ages or doesnt happen this time? How are you going to handle that?

Okay, you're broody. But it isn't right to emotionally blackmail your husband over it. Shoes yes, babies no.

cantspel · 19/06/2012 22:48

You could argue that if you really loved your exsisting DC's then you wouldn't have anymore as you will be reducing their standard of living, using time that could be spent doing stuff with and for them on the new baby, giving them less living space and no holidays.

tropicalfish · 19/06/2012 22:53

hi op,
I havent read the other posts but I do understand where you are coming from. But you should consider that teenagers are hard work and can be the cause of alot of family conflict. Maybe 2 is enough! Especially if dh is not willing to put up with the aggravation. There are expensive school trips when they get to secondary school, it would be difficult to afford them for 3.

AnyFucker · 19/06/2012 23:05

OOJ we do the "if you loved me..." thing over whose turn it is to put the kettle on

tbf, the OP said she hasn't actually said those words to her H, but I imagine the inference is there