to think if DH really loved me he would want another baby ...?

[WantsAnotherOne]

Have N/C but suspect some of you might recognise me....i just don't want anyone from rl to

i know i am definitely probably being irrational and U

please wise MNers talk some sense into me...

i really want another DC. we have 2 already, aged 6 and 3. eldest DC is from my previous relationship.

i am 32 and DH is 40 but he just doesn't seem keen atm. saying things like we can't afford it at the moment, the kids are getting easier now they are older, we won't be able to do much without the dc as babysitting will become harder, there will be less room at home, we won't be able to afford to go on holiday (either with or without dcs) etc etc. he says he loves having time with just me and it will become so much harder if we had another one.

i do agree with his reasons to some extent but none of them are insurmountable. yes things would be harder but surely it would be worth it? they just all seem like excuses to me. we earn decent-ish money IMO. dh is on about 25k and i work part time earning about 5k a year and our housing costs are quite minimal.

i am a romantic though and can't help thinking that if he really loved me he would want to have another baby with me. it would be amazing for the dc to have another brother or sister, 3 has always been my "perfect number" of dc.
i also would like the experience of "trying" for a baby with someone i love as both dc were unplanned (although much wanted of course) and that makes me sad.

the 3 years since DH and I have had our youngest have been so happy and its been blissful raising her with the man i love as i never had that with my first dc as i wasn't with his dad. i am baby mad at the moment and incredibly broody :(

Yes, a baby generally is. IF both parents want one. IF you have the money. IF you have the space and IF having another will not affect any other children.

If the above doesn't apply, then having another is selfish. It isn't a NEED to have another baby, it is a want and it is the fact of life that we don't and shouldn't always get what we want.

I have two children. If dh had gone on about wanting another, knowing that I really really didn't I would have felt very unloved, almost reduced to a brood horse and my feelings disregarded. Luckily we concurred that our family was complete.

That said both my sisters were broody after two, my middle sister's dh struggled with fatherhood and didn't want a third. She was a bit sad, but accepted that she had two lovely girls, and a reluctant dh would have made the whole family miserable. My big sister 's dh did come around to the idea of having another child and they went on to have my lovely niece who is severely disabled. I can't imagine how difficult it would have been for them if they had both not whole heartedly embraced the decision to conceive her (she is very much loved and cherished but her disability has made their life very very much more difficult).

But why should her desire for another child trump his desire not to have another child?

A baby is a nice thing, if you want one. Otherwise it's not a good thing.

Or are you in the "You never regret having another one, hun" camp?

And yes, you can be feeding her resentment by saying basically that fuck what everyone else wants, only what the OP wants matters and therefore he is a selfish git who would give her what she wants if he loved her.

Oh and it's perfectly possible to think that having a baby is not a nice thing at all. I worried every single period until dh had the snip. I did not enjoy pregnancy or babies. Love children though, and we have thought about fostering/adopting but that's a totally different conversation (although again requiring total commitment from both parents).

I don't think the OP meant "if he loved me he would give me a baby" as such, though that's how it reads. Maybe just that she feels like because they love each other so much, DH should want to have more children with her? Not that he should do so against his wishes, but that he should want to IYSWIM

cheerful yank - ^^ that is exactly the point i wanted to make. its not that i want him to agree to a baby just because I want one - but - I want him to WANT another baby with ME. does that make sense?

i have been reading through all the replies and as expected most of you have kicked my arse, which strangely has made me feel better

a poster asked if my kids were unplanned, well, not exactly. i am going to admit to something that is probably going to make me sound like a nutter. when i fell pg with my first DC i was deliberately not taking the pill. the man i was with wanted kids and so did i, but i didn't want him. i knew i was going to be a single mum but i didn't care. i wanted a baby - but NOT him. so i told him i was on the pill and not ready for a baby just because i didn't want to do the whole "trying for a baby" loved up thing. its fucked up, i know. i fell pregnant, hated the whole pregnancy, hated my ex, was depressed and kept wondering if i had done the right thing. in fact i bled at 4 months and wished i would miscarry - what a thing to admit to eh :( it was awful. and when i had DC1 within 3 months i had left his dad.

then when DC1 was 18 months i met DH and me and DH fell madly in love. i was on the pill but got PG in the first month. i was shocked but happy but for many reasons, we decided it wasn't the right time and i had a termination :( i am still upset about it now. in the months following the termination we both admitted we made the wrong decision, we were both sad about it. so we both just stopped using contraception, but it wasn't a conscious thing as such, we didn't say, lets try for DC, it just, happened. then DD was born when DS was 3.

i feel sad that both DC are not DH's. i love DC1 but feel bad that he was not conceived in love, he was conceived through basically my own selfishness. and while he still has a good relationship with his bio dad i wish the circumstances were different.

i have rambled (again) i probably have more to say, but just wanted to say, thanks for the replies, they have helped somewhat.

Ynbu to want another baby. But it's not just your decision. Yabu and a bit crazy to make the conclusion thar your dp does not love you. It's not romantic to always give in to someone else.

Yes babies are nice things but bloody hard work & expensive. We are on a similar income to the OP & we are struggling financially with only one child, who is only a toddler.

If a man came on here & said if my wife loved me she'd have another baby, most people would be up in arms saying 'how dare he' probably. Why is it different because it's a woman? (other than the biological side). What I mean is that neither party should ever be forced to have a child they don't want.

I do understand the OP's desire for a child, sometimes it's overwhelming, but your husband doesn't love you any less because he feels his family is complete.

A baby is a nice thing, sure, but you have to look beyond the baby stage and think about the long-term effects on things like the family's finances and savings, plans for retirement, how it may affect the existing children etc.

And even if though cute tiny babies are lovely, they can mean a lot of stress and hard work with all the sleepless nights etc - which is something you accept if you both want a baby, but which could cause a lot of resentment if one partner had been nagged into the idea against their better judgement.

I don't think that's a misogynistic argument. I'd say the same if it was the DH wanting another child while the OP was reluctant - in fact if anything it would be a stronger argument that way round, as the woman has the greater burden at least in the beginning (pregnancy, birth etc).

Get a puppy

Maybe he would love to have another with you. Has he said otherwise?

I do understand. As I said, I have been there but I knew DP deep down was being sensible and in time, when we was able to afford another without it majorly affecting us, we had another.

Talk to him, and ask if ever your circumstances change, would he be willing and then at least you know where you both stand.

But do be glad that he is putting you and both your existing DC first. Don't resent him for that fact alone.

I don't think that you can link the two things.
OP wants a baby. Her DH doesn't. It has nothing to do with how much they love each other as DH could equally say 'if DW loved me then she would understand that I don't want any more'.
If you are being perfectly logical you could say that DH loves her more because he wants them to be free to do things together, alone or as a family, and this would put it back a few years.

Going by the logic of many on this thread, should you have an abortion then if you get pregnant and the circumstances aren't perfect?

There's a real undertone on this thread. That women are silly and hormone driven and need a big sensible man to keep them in line when they do silly things like wanting more babies.

Like it or not, the reverse situation is different,as it would involve a woman carrying a baby for nine months and giving birth to it.

I did not say fuck what everyone else wants (mumsnet is just the worst for people twisting or deliberately misinterpreting your words and spewing them back at you). I said that the op's dh is putting what he wants before what she wants, afaik their children have no say here although IME it is nice to have siblings, going on my own family and the others I know and have known. In my view if you really love someone and see that they want something so much it hurts, you'll do your best to make them happy.

A puppy is not a baby substitute!
The op isn't in an ideal situation. She isn't necessarily being rational, but you can't help the way you feel.

If you are being perfectly logical you could say that DH loves her more because he wants them to be free to do things together, alone or as a family, and this would put it back a few years.

^^ this is what DH says to me. "i love you so much i just want you to myself as much as possible"

And I am perfectly aware of the challenges of a big family, with five children of my own!

Quite true-they have a 3 year old-they are getting to the stage where you can jump in the car and head off without it being a major expedition!

Just because two people love each other, does not mean that they wish to make more little people together.

Love does not equal babies.

People can love each other and not want to have babies.

It's rather narrow-minded of you to think that not wanting a baby (not for your sake, but personally wanting one) is an indicator of "less love".

yeshewouldyouknow Wed 20-Jun-12 07:24:11
Ugh, this thread has taken on a slightly misogynistic tone now that is turnign my stomach.

When all other arguments fail, play the misogynistic victim card.

No its not misogynistic to say, "No I do not want another child". I respect any man OR WOMAN'S choice to say that for whatever reason. Children shouldn't be imposed on anyone. Sorry, but if having another baby is that important to the OP, then maybe she should be looking for another relationship as she clearly doesn't value the one she has. Practical considerations are very responsible and valid. That does not mean they are misogynistic.

Why the need to play the victim to win support for your POV. I find it quite sickening actually.

I was, yet again, up all night in hospital with my son. I am there regularly with his health. I never factored in those costs prior to having him an initially, we struggled for a while. A long while.

You can not say "We will manage and stretch" as you can't guarantee that the next child will be born without health problems.

And also, what if the OP ended up having twins? It wouldn't just be one more mouth to feed, one more wardrobe to fill, and one more school trip to pay out for then.

Having children costs money. If you haven't got said money, it is irresponsible to still go ahead and have another knowing it will have an impact on the other children.

I can't see how the OP's DH seeing that makes him love her less he may WANT to give her what she wants, and it may kill him inside seeing her want something so much that he can't give her. But what about his feelings on the matter? Can't she see how it may be hurting him?

It goes both ways. I don't see why the OP should trump her DH with regards to this. It wouldn't be fair on the child, or the ones already existing or do those children not matter either?

yeshewouldyouknow, you seem to think it is literally black and white. Didn't you sit down with your partner and talk it through whether you can afford another child beforehand? See whether having another would affect your other children, or was it just what you wanted?

If you have a DH who loves you and adores you, and two much loved healthy children, then you are a very rich woman indeed.

Happiness is not getting what we want but wanting what we've got.

I would love a third but it's tempting fate ( 2 mcs and a termination on med grounds), it's expensive, quality of life would be even poorer, child care costs prohibitive etc etc.

So yes it's a nice idea, but I've adjusted my attitude and enjoyed the life I have not the life I wished for.

Besides which I couldn't stand another five years of Cbeebies.

You've tricked one man into fatherhood op. nice. I really urge you not to pull the same stunt again. If I found myself pregnant because Dh pulled a similar trick with contraception I'd have the baby. But I'd divorce him.

Besides which I couldn't stand another five years of Cbeebies .

Wow..I cannot believe you forced a man into being a father and now you want another child so you can feel like 'at least two were conceived in love.'

One wasn't conceived n love because what yo did was so, so, so SO wrong. Do you demand child support from this man?

I wouldn't be telling your DH THAT story, yeesh...

The whole "factoring in the children" thing, though...that's what my parents did.

They got pregnant accidentally when they were 18, got married and had my brother. When my mother got pregnant with me, my father got the snip although apparently it was hard to find a doctor who would give a 21 year old a vasectomy. She wanted more children later on, when we were older, but my father didn't, because he thought it wouldn't be good for my brother and me.

Simply put, my brother is not a very good person. Our relationship is very difficult and I would give almost anything to have had another sibling, one I could depend on.

I know that's not what the OP is saying, because her DH doesn't want more. Personally, I think my own father did but refused for us. And it's not always as black and white as "financially, how would we be better off" because strictly financially, a one child policy would be best.