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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if DH really loved me he would want another baby ...?

380 replies

WantsAnotherOne · 19/06/2012 16:55

Have N/C but suspect some of you might recognise me....i just don't want anyone from rl to

i know i am definitely probably being irrational and U

please wise MNers talk some sense into me...

i really want another DC. we have 2 already, aged 6 and 3. eldest DC is from my previous relationship.

i am 32 and DH is 40 but he just doesn't seem keen atm. saying things like we can't afford it at the moment, the kids are getting easier now they are older, we won't be able to do much without the dc as babysitting will become harder, there will be less room at home, we won't be able to afford to go on holiday (either with or without dcs) etc etc. he says he loves having time with just me and it will become so much harder if we had another one.

i do agree with his reasons to some extent but none of them are insurmountable. yes things would be harder but surely it would be worth it? they just all seem like excuses to me. we earn decent-ish money IMO. dh is on about 25k and i work part time earning about 5k a year and our housing costs are quite minimal.

i am a romantic though and can't help thinking that if he really loved me he would want to have another baby with me. it would be amazing for the dc to have another brother or sister, 3 has always been my "perfect number" of dc.
i also would like the experience of "trying" for a baby with someone i love as both dc were unplanned (although much wanted of course) and that makes me sad.

the 3 years since DH and I have had our youngest have been so happy and its been blissful raising her with the man i love as i never had that with my first dc as i wasn't with his dad. i am baby mad at the moment and incredibly broody :(

OP posts:
sayanything · 19/06/2012 20:23

My DH wants 3, while for me 2 is plenty, in fact the only reason I wanted two was because I didn't want DS to be an only child. Does this mean I don't love DH, because if I loved him I agree to a third?

NicNocJnr · 19/06/2012 20:24

I'm going to be very honest (possibly a bad idea on aibu)

One of my children is severely disabled, I have 4 others. My heart beats for them & my SN child is loved, wonderful & wanted however there has been more than one night that I've secretly regretted having him. Not because of who he is, he is amazing, but because of what his disabilities did to our family.
If he was an only child it would be vastly different but everyday something happens that makes me feel like I've failed him or one of the others.
Mummy can't come sweetheart she has to be at the hospital. Mummy won't be home darling she's taking DB to xyz. Mummy can't stay with you and daddy my angel she has to go home to the others. Mummy will come back I promise my darling but I can't come back yet.

On it goes. It has been so hard we would not have survived if DH had been pressured into having him as it would have been tangibly 'my fault' (not that DH would have said/thought that but I would never put him in the position). Also when we lost our baby having others made fuck all difference to the grief & 'plan' because that individual was gone not some generic infant.

Our DS has not got a genetic issue as such, we had no risk factors, no warning, the bomb just dropped. Financial plans, general life plans all changed immediately and there is not a day that goes by that I don't feel soul crushing guilt about having to choose one over the other- my husband and other children miss me & I them, it feels like I neglect them but the very devil himself could not make me leave DS while he needs me...but...but he will need me forever and it's not the devil, it's 4 wonderful, loving children that miss their mum & their little brother.
I would never, ever want him changed now, apart from taking his pain away but yes, sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we had just not had him. Then I hate myself for it because he is amazing & I love him so much. So I don't regret my child, this child but the decision to have another...sometimes I whisper it in my own head. Often as I feel he deserves so much more Sad
If you have another child & have the same issues as us no spectacles in the world will be rosy enough to help.

Aribura · 19/06/2012 20:24

notnanny is absolutely psycho, and this is coming from your resident bitch/troll PhD.

(PS though, am loving the posters saying children aren't a right that AREN'T getting slaughtered, funny how MN changes.)

monkeymoma · 19/06/2012 20:25

athinkinyourlife

in most marriages each child is only embarked upon if both parents want it, you make that decision at each subsequent child and should only as a couple try for another if you both want it!

its not like "oh alright, I'll comprimise and have a 3rd baby cause you want one, but this means you do all the cooking washing up when we have everyone round for christmas!" Hmm

JosephineCD · 19/06/2012 20:28

I think if I was OP's husband I'd go and have the snip.

GrahamTribe · 19/06/2012 20:30

DPrince, there are tears for your Nanny here too. :( hugs

AllYoursBabooshka · 19/06/2012 20:30

Dprince :(

That is truly heart breaking, Every child is irreplaceable and it's insulting to any parent, Particularly those who have suffered such a loss to suggest otherwise.

McHappyPants2012 · 19/06/2012 20:31

Nic.

i am glad you have written that, DS has austism and i often wonder what it would of been like if he was born without SN but i wouldn't change him for rhe world because this is who he is

everlong · 19/06/2012 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AllYoursBabooshka · 19/06/2012 20:37

Nicnoc, You wonderfully brave and honest person. People like you amazing and humble me.

AllYoursBabooshka · 19/06/2012 20:37

Amaze

Dprince · 19/06/2012 20:40

Nic that is very honest and brave. It must be so difficult. Hugs to you.
Thanks to everyone for the support. When I lost my baby I knew what the future held I had seen it. My two wonderful babies are amazing I their own right. Ds (born after loss) is amazing and brings joy to my life must. But he is not a replacement. He is a child in his own right. Dd is amazing too. :)

OwlsOnStrings · 19/06/2012 20:41

Deciding to have a child is a much, much bigger decision that deciding not to have a child, for lots of reasons, including the one described in NicNocJnr's heartbreaking post above. Also financial, emotional, huge implications for everyone in the family. That's why your wishes can't be imposed on your dh.

AKE2012 · 19/06/2012 20:41

I dont understand why the guys feelings and opinions are not being taken into consideration by those agreeing with OP.
He is going to be the one who has to pay maintenance for the children when they split (as if she goes ahead and has another i dnt see them lasting vry long). Children are a struggle and if one parent doesnt want it then that will put a strain on the relationship.

Just because us females carry & give birth to a child doesnt mean we get the ONLY say. it takes TWO people to create a baby which means there are TWO people responsible for the baby.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 19/06/2012 20:41

Did someone really post that the OPs OH should agree to have another just incase one of the present children dies?

Really?

SEE! us bereaved parents TELL you lot that people say things that stupid and, go on admit it, you dont believe us do you?

Now you have proof.

FFS. I have tons of kids. I still miss my darling girl. There is still a massive hole in my life and no amount of babies, however cute, will fill it.

AnyFucker · 19/06/2012 20:44

NicNoc your post made me cry

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 19/06/2012 20:45

OP, I sympathise.
I know how you feel and its agony.
I get what you are saying and I dont think you deserve some of the more outraged comments.
You are not blackmailing him because you are not saying 'if you really loved me'
You cant help feeling it. The desire for a child is incredibly strong no matter how many you already have.

I would love another. I would love one SO much that I asked OH to have a vasectomy (he agreed with unseemly haste Hmm).
Just as well he did because I terribly broody despite being nearly 45, having four surviving children, a small house, a disabled OH and a DS with SN.

I dont want to sound trite, but having battled broodiness for many years (there was a 15 year gap between my first birth son and my second birth son), I had to find all kinds of things to keep my mind off babies.

The ability to go for a manicure, buy some 'nice' clothes, have lunch out etc all of those things helped, as did starting to study again.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 19/06/2012 20:47

((((nic))))

ChasedByBees · 19/06/2012 20:53

DPrince your post made me cry too.

OP, your husbands love for you has nothing to do with how many children he wants do you are being unreasonable. As everyone else has said, TTC is rubbish when it just goes on and on.

Notnanny, your opinions are just insane. Seriously.

Kewcumber · 19/06/2012 21:03

You should count yourself very very fortunate that you haven't "tried" to get pregnant. Indeed you should prostrate yourself in front of whatever deity you believe in with thanks for your good fortune.

If you want to know what "trying" is like I would be happy to write you an essay on the soul destroying years of trying and failing, of pain and grief and starting again and that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you fail again... for years and years and years and years and years.

Or were you only planning on the trying lasting for a couple of months? Hmm Be careful what you wish for as it may come true.

Two adults in a marriage presumably talk these kind of things through , isn;t that how it works. Perhaps you should try that.

And if he doesn't want another child then you will either have to lie to him about birth control, go to a sperm donor or respect his wishes. Up to you - how much do you love him?

izzyizin · 19/06/2012 21:05

I've long admired your compassion and your wisdom on the Relationships board, Nic, and I am awed by your honesty here.

You have voiced the unspoken thoughts of many and I regard it as a privilege to salute you.

In admiration Wine from Izzy.

lowestpriority · 19/06/2012 21:07

Don't force this issue OP.
I am currently separated from my DH due to many reasons. But the main reason is that I felt forced into having a 3rd child.
It has over the past 5 years killed our marriage. Everytime DC3 played up I would look at DH as if to say "Satisfied now?" It is a terrible thing to admit but you CAN regret the children you do have.
I am currently going through therapy as I feel so angry inside, mainly with myself for not putting my foot down at the time and refusing.
your DH has told you he does not want anymore children. If you value your relationship with him you will listen.

izzyizin · 19/06/2012 21:20

both dc were unplanned

Would that be due to 2 contraceptive failures or to unprotected sex? Hmm If the latter it can be said that, knowing full well what the consequences could be, you 'planned' to conceive a child.

Although your dc may have been 'unplanned' at the time of conception, presumably you 'planned' to have them after you discovered your pgs?

3 may be your 'perfect number' but why would it be 'amazing' for your 2 dc to share their dps' time with another offspring?

Come away from the notnannys of this world fairies and count your blessings OP.

5dcsinneedofacleaner · 19/06/2012 21:25

OP - having a baby with someone doesnt equal love at all. You say life has been blissful since having your second dc and that is love for you.
I can sympathize though i cant imagine feeling like i wanted another baby, being capable of having one but having my dh say no and sadly there is no way to satisfy both one of you will have to compromise.

For what its worth he is right 3 childrens tips the balance and 4 and 5 make everything more complex!. If you are both happy with this and willing to adapt then its great but if he has doubts it could spell disaster, i cant imagine life without dh 100% behind me.

yeshewouldyouknow · 19/06/2012 21:31

OP, I cannot BELIEVE the hard time you are getting on this thread.

Of course you're not being U to feel you want another child, to go through the whole experience of trying - how DARE anyone tell you that your feelings are not valid, and that you're silly or immature?

And yes, I think you're right to think that if your DH really loved you, he would put your wants and desires before his own. That's what you do when you really love someone. You are broody and perfectly reasonably feel as if you would like another baby, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! I would question my DH's love for me if I was that desperate for a baby and he refused.

Flame me as much as you want, I don't care, I don't even know if I can be bothered to read the pages of vitriol that will now follow. I imagine many of the posters on here are women who have been told they 'can't' have another baby by their DH's.

I think AThinginyourlife said it perfectly a few pages back -

"Loving you and wanting another baby are two completely different, independent things."

Not to me.

Wanting to have, and then having, children with my husband is a very important part of our love for one another.

If I wanted another child and he refused to have one that would affect how I felt about him and my understanding of how he feels about me.

He has told me in the past that if I wanted a child it's not something he would want to refuse me.

I'm sure he has his limits (I think it's 5) and I would never want to reach them. But I know my desire for children (as the one who carries and feeds them) counts for a lot to him, and I really appreciate that.'