to want to get in a night nanny

[Rhubarbgarden]

I know it's cheating. But dc2 is breaking me. I can't get him to settle after his night feeds, and last night was just the pits with him having a feed at 11 then wide awake crying till about half 2. DH and I took it in turns with the jiggling and shushing, but we are still both a wreck today. It's like this to a degree every night.

I have a 2 year old dd too, and I simply can't summon up the energy needed to deal with a toddler with this going on. I've got in extra help temporarily but dd is clearly feeling 'farmed out' and got hysterical when the nanny arrived this morning, and clung to my leg screaming mummy mummy while I was trying to rock the pram to get ds to nap - who was also crying. She's fine once the nanny has got her out the house and off to the park or something, but she's getting increasingly upset on a morning when she realises it isn't a 'mummy day'.

I can't keep going like this. I'm worn to a thread. I remember it being hard at this stage with dd but we got her sleep trained eventually and then it was fine. But I just don't have the mental or physical reserves needed for it this time, so I'm sorely tempted to get someone in to do it, just for three or four nights, to let us get some sleep and get on the right track. But it feels like a cop out...

Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeding him to sleep. If it works for you and him then just do it. Stop listen to the 'rules' and worrying about making rods for your own back and just do what you need to do to get through.honestly, it will not do him any long term damage. :)

What she ^ (bm) said. Feed him to sleep It's what he needs. Why would you not?

The OP says she cannot settle him after feeds, I am sure if she could be fed to sleep then this would not be the case.

I certainly don't advocate any kind of controlled crying techniques with a baby that age, but don't see any problem with paying a nanny to do the shushing and juggling if a baby won't settle after feeds.

Ceevee, she said she just fed him to sleep at the end of the last feed and was feeling guilty about it - that's what I was commenting on.

Personally at 4 weeks I think YRBU. At 4 weeks all they want is there parent/s not a nanny or a routine. I would be spending the money on having a cleaner, ironing person, gardener etc but not a nanny as your babies first year is so important in forming an attachment to you, and you to him. You do however have my full sympathy, my 2nd was a nightmare sleeper and with a toddler to look after as well it was hell. It does get better though I promise :-)

at four weeks they're happy for human warmth and a cuddle, wherever it comes from. A routine is as simple as following the same feeding procedure and settling procedure at that age, not a rigid time based one. it all helps.

A happy well rested mummy is far better use than a distraught, strung out one & that applies to your toddler too.

Do it.

We had an amazing maternity nurse who now runs a website which has really useful information - www.babywithin.co.nz/ (she had amazing stories of going in to sort out problem babies after some woman called Ford had been with the family) - there are really helpful tips. She came through Imperial Nannies in kensington.

I think you are being a bit UR, your baby is 4 weeks old. All they want is to be close to you, they don't even know they are a seperate person at this age.

Have you consdiered co-sleeping I certainly couldn't have coped with a newborn and older one with out co-sleeping. And feeding to sleep is totaly natrual you produce hormones in your milk to help them sleep, you also release hormones in you at the same time to help you sleep.

A 4 week old doesn't have a sleep issue (unless suffereing from pain) they just need cuddles and comfort.

Get a cleaner and a cook if you can afford it and spend lots of cuddly time with your new baby. Oh and a good sling as well.

Firstly please let yourself off the hook - put all thoughts of cheating or copping out from your mind - it isn't a competition. As long as you get more sleep and your baby is safe then why not go for it. Cleaner and cook are not enough help if you are sleep deprived. If you can afford a night nanny until your baby sleeps better then it is win-win. I co-slept with my first and fed her to sleep and was a wreck, and couldn't have coped with another child to look after as well. Sounds like you feel guilty over your other child, so a good night's sleep might give you the rest you need, and maybe you won't need a day nanny - sounds good if it works out!

Sorry, I just assumed the baby was older as just assumed by the way the OP was written when I posted originally.

Sometimes you do need to understand why they are not sleeping even at 4 weeks. DS1 had bad colic and we could not settle him after night feeds. Once we spoke to someone about it we were prescribed colief too which was our saving grace.

DS2 was a better sleeper but we were more laid back and left him to settle himself (not controlled crying at all). He didn't have colic so there were no real issues.

I did feed DS1 to sleep and I have to admit it was a nightmare as he never learnt to settle on his own, I never did that with DS2.

It is important for babies to learn to get themselves to sleep otherwise they can't settle themselves if they stir in the night, I am not suggesting controlled crying at 4 weeks but there are other ways and I am sure a night nanny could help you with that.

Giraffes I totally agree. If you get a good nights sleep then you can handle anything in the daytime. And unpopular as my view might be on this site, I actually do think routines can work from as early as 4 weeks, certainly it worked with my two. Our night nanny gave us lots of advice about daytime routines which really helped with getting them to sleep through the night.

I'm not sure if a 4 week old should be expected to 'settle themselves' to be honest. Both of mine were fed to sleep when they were young and they go to sleep fine by themselves. they didn't need any sleep training to figure it out. They just did it when they were ready - as most children do.

I know you said he has colic and not reflux but have you looked at silent reflux? Several hours of screaming indicates something is bothering him - maybe colic but rule out silent reflux too. Good luck!

Ceeveebee thats what I was trying to say really but I was waffling and you said it in one sentence, lol!!!!

With DS2 we just put him down awake at a few weeks old and sat outisde his room for a few seconds, if he cried we would go in and settle him then go and sit outside again. He was fine and not in any danger and we would not have left him screaming at all at that age.

There's a lot to be said for routine, not just the sleeping alone, quiet time, bath, stories, bed etc. Can often set you up for a good night with the DCs but any sort of illness could obviously stop this.

There is a lot of good advice out there!

bummbleymummy I beg to differ about the fact that most children do, the majority of children I know that were never allowed to settle themselves didn't sleep until they were at least 2, some still don't as they have no routine.

I would also get your nanny to take both out. Either in double buggy or baby in sling.
If you feed baby first then I'm assuming they will be fine for 2 hours, they can just walk to park to feed ducks or something with eldest, then you can sleep another hour or so/ have a shower, and feel a tad more refreshed

I am currently training as a sleep trainer, feel free to pm me and I can always email you over a plan if you feel this would be helpful

Are you bloody kidding? what are you waiting for?
Do it. Do it now.

hope you get some sleep!

Of course you should get a nanny. There is no reason you need to put up with all that stress if you can afford a nanny and she will make it far easier to gt a good bedtime routine running in your family and support mummy as much as you want her to.

If I had my time again I'd get a night nanny for sure. YANBU. There's a reason why sleep deprivation is used a form of torture; you need to be able to function and be happy.

I think you are expecting a lot from yourself so soon into having a child (even if it is the second and you thought it would get better quicker) and it sounds like you are blaming yourself for not being able to manage. And maybe expecting more from your baby than they are ready for.

I actually found weeks 3-4-5 the hardest - adrenalin and joy got me through the first fortnight then realisation, changing hormones, tiredness, dh back at work etc all set in. It wasn't till the end of the 6th week that I felt like we might eventually cope.

We didn't have it quite so bad as you with ds2 but he was certainly a BIG change from ds1 and I think it was hell until we accepted that he wasn't going to sleep through and we just had to get on with it. Then it was still sleep deprivation but without the same level of frustration. I remember one night saying over and over, "I love you even when you are crying all the time," and hearing the tension and desperation in my own voice, and a couple of weeks later doing exactly the same thing and thinking, "Yes, I sound convincing, I can do this."

Your toddler will cope with having less mummy-time - mine was 20mo when ds2 was born and is fine. You'll find a way to manage your energy-levels (though probably don't resort to marsbars like I did!) and 4 weeks is so soon for ALL of you to be used to a new addition.

I'm not really commenting on the night-nanny thing, but saying don't panic!

It's not cheating. I would have done if we had had the money.

accountantsrule - you sound a bit smug. I have tried to let my DS self settle. He can't do it, and ends up a hysterical, sobbing mess. He needs me to parent him off to sleep (feeding, rocking, shhing etc) I am confident he will learn how to do it eventually - after all, how many 30 year olds do you know who can't lull themselves off to sleep?

Every baby is different. Yours learnt to self settle earlier than others, that's great for you but not all babies can do it from an early age.

Sorry for the hijack OP!

Accountants - do you mean didn't sleep through until they were 2? I suppose it depends on what your expectations of 'sleeping through' are.

If you can afford it, do it. I would have done.

I agree with everything gentleness has said. You are being very hard on yourself you know, feeding your baby to sleep isn't a 'bear trap', this isn't a test where if your child isn't in a routine by x weeks you've failed. I have always fed mine to sleep and they've all grown out of it after a few months and learned to self settle when they are ready and able.

I'm not saying you shouldn't get a Night Nanny, just that you seem to have set yourself impossibly high standards. It's ok to not have a routine 4 weeks in, its ok to not get out and do much with your 2 year old at this stage.

With the colic, I found giving up dairy cured it for my DS at that age. Might be worth a shot?

Why is feeding to sleep a bear trap?? Surely you are trying to get him to sleep, have a method that works...why wouldn't you use it?