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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have put dd's dinner in the bin?

869 replies

greenwheelie · 18/06/2012 18:27

Dinner tonight - scampi, potato wedges and salad. I put some chunks of beetroot in the salad. DD2(6) anounced she hates beetroot. I told her she could eat one piece only. We have always had the rule (dd is 3rd child) that you have to try everything on the plate.

My Mum and Dad are here for the evening. DD sat and cried, fake-coughed and kept shouting that she was going to be sick. We ignore her for a while, then I said if she couldn't be quiet and eat then she would have to leave the room. She continued so I told her to go. After 5 minutes she was quiet so I asked her to come back and join us. She immediately started the drama again. I told her she was spoiling the dinner for all of us and if she didn't stop that would be the end of her meal. She got a piece of beetroot on her fork and waved it around, crying and coughing. So I took her food away and sent her out. The food is now in the bin and dd is in bed.

My parents are now saying I am like an army general and that dd will be hungry. Was I being unreasonable and AIBU to feel very unsupported in trying to discipline a strong-willed child?

OP posts:
Blu · 18/06/2012 19:24

"However, it wasn't really about the food, it was about dd wanting to control the situation."

yup - but that's what you set up when you use food as a control mechanism. Why make desert dependent on trying beetroot? Desert is a part of a meal in and of itself - if you set up one food as a reward then expect another food to be set up as a battleground.

Also, parents or not I would hate to make any guests witness all that, and presumably they were looking forward to a nice evening seeing their grandchildren. Sad

6 year olds have bodies, feelings - if someone made me eat something I really didn't want to (put it in my body, my mouth), especially when I was tired out, I would probably be retching too.

And if she was playing up because she was tired out that doesn't mean to say she wasn't hungry.

Ease up - she won't go off the rails because she doesn't want to eat a bit of beetroot.

Sorry - I think it's cruel and upsetting to force children to eat by emotional co-ercion and then deny them food.

But I see you are feeling a bit guilty.

Hope all is better tomorrow.

notyummy · 18/06/2012 19:26

See, Quicklookbusy, unless a child has SN or MH issues, then I don't think asking them to try something new that they have never had before is cruel and unusual punishment. One try and then a polite refusal if it is not liked is a perfectly acceptable house rule. We have to exercise control over our children sometimes, and gradually some of that will reduce as they learn to control themselves. That's why we remove them from situations if they are tantrumming etc

CailinDana · 18/06/2012 19:26

To add, my DH was a ridiculously picky eater as a child. His mother battled with him endlessly and caused pointless fights and none of it helped. When I met him at 19 he was still eating a tiny range of foods. In the ten years he's been with me that range of foods has increased massively because as soon as he moved out of home (at 19) the tension and anxiety around food went away and my more varied diet encouraged him to try things in a safe, non-pressured environment.

everlong · 18/06/2012 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thepeoplesprincess · 18/06/2012 19:28

Nothing whatsoever to do with the fact he's now (hopefully) a mature, reasonable adult then CailinDana (!)

CailinDana · 18/06/2012 19:29

So she was tired. What was the point in fighting her then? Her behaviour was a reaction to how she was feeling and getting in a barney with her was pointless.

notyummy · 18/06/2012 19:29

My dd also has a 'don't like food' which is honey, and I wouldn't force her to eat that. BUT - she had to try it initially and then she said she really didn't like it. So I don't force her. Can't understand why telling a child to try something new (one mouthful) would be a problem. (Unless there are circumstances such as SN.)

CailinDana · 18/06/2012 19:30

Nope peoplesprincess. He still struggles to eat around his mother and gets anxious when we have to spend a few days at their house.

Original poster
greenwheelie · 18/06/2012 19:30

Well, obviously I don't know for definite but I am pretty sure that my dcs eat a wider range of foods because we pushed them to try everything and had firm boundaries. I reckon they would be leave their veg given the choice, and as toddlers they were fussy but now they eat veg and realise it won't kill them. They even enjoy some of it!

OP posts:
SugarBatty · 18/06/2012 19:31

I really think beetroot is one of those foods that contaminates everything it touches due to its residue and flavour. I HATE beetroot and would not eat a salad it had been in contact with. Its not like a tomatoe which can be picked out and not leave any incriminating evidence behind. For that reason yabu.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 18/06/2012 19:33

CailinDana- at 18 months old, my DD was exactly the same as your son. Now she's almost 2.5 and did go through a fussy phase, during which we had to be a bit stricter. Giving her the option of banana and breadight have meant she ended up just eating bananas and bread all the tine! We did blw with her and now she's fab at trying new things but I never force her to eat anything.

Op- o agree with pp who said you clearly don't think you were being u, so why on earth post to ask?!.

PavlovtheCat · 18/06/2012 19:33

Yabu

CailinDana · 18/06/2012 19:35

Young children just consider all food to be food. My DS is just as likely to ask for a carrot as he is to ask for a cake, depending on his mood. I don't make any distinction between "good" and "bad" foods, and I don't make one food dependent on another, I just make sure he has a good range of foods across the day that fill him up and give him nutrition. Forcing certain foods, or saying you have to have this food in order to have that one, just marks foods out as being a chore. Why do that? Just give food, let them eat it or not eat it and butt out.

There's no chance of my DS living on sausages and chips by the way because I just don't serve that kind of food.

nailak · 18/06/2012 19:36

i dont have rules over this stuff and Shock my kids still manage to eat more then four things!!

SOmetimes they wont try stuff they dont like the look off, that is fine as they will eat fruit and salad, bread cheese etc instead and they know no one will cook an extra meal for them.

Sometimes they just dont feel like eating a food that they eat at other times, that is fine too, whats the big deal, sometimes i cook food and have it in fridge but prefer something else instead. why should they be different?

they know at 5, 3 and 2 how to lay the table, sit down, ask to be excused, join in with dinner conversation, use knife and fork etc just because they dont feel like eating a certain food on a certain day doesnt make them fussy monsters imo.

We all eat the same meal and all have done since the kids started solids, they all have always fed themselves so we are not exactly pampering them.

Laquitar · 18/06/2012 19:37

I don't like beetroot. Its the only veg i don't like.

If she ate the rest i would be happy. fish, potato, salad. So what if she takes the beetroot out?
I would tell her off for the drama and ask her to apologise to gp's and to just remove the beetroot with good manners and no drama.

Please tell me you are not giving her the beetroot for breakfast Grin

Littleplasticpeople · 18/06/2012 19:37

We have the same rule about trying everything on the plate. Tbf it is quite rare that they get a totally new food to try, and I don't give them things that I know they dont like. If it is similar in the op's household then no, I don't think yabu. If my dcs behaved like that at the table they would be removed. The food is of little consequence tbh in a situation like that, for me the manners would be the thing that I focused on.

FamiliesShareGerms · 18/06/2012 19:38

Can't believe that OP is being accused of being abusive, controlling, certain to give her kids food issues... Over one argument that sounds like it was going to happen regardless...

Yes, pick your battles, but an established house rule seems like a good one to me. Ideally meals aren't the place to argue, but they so often are, even with good eaters (DS (6) will eat pretty much everything he comes across, but from time to time will do the fake coughing thing, or claim "my main course bit of my tummy is full but I still have space in my pudding bit of my tummy"...Hmm). We think we are going to sit down like a family on an advert with cherubic children who happily graze on organic feta while Radio 4 plays softly in the background and we discuss politics and quantum physics, but we're tired and life ain't like that and we plonk ready meals in front of frazzled arguing brats while we bang around and do the dishes and the kids have burping contests.... (or is that just here?)

OP, reckon throwing the food in the bin was harsh (and wasteful) but otherwise YANBU

CailinDana · 18/06/2012 19:38

Blackholes, IME "fussy phases" with food are usually about control. If a child realises that not eating something gets a reaction, even a bad one, then that's definitely a button they're going to push in future. No child is willingly going to starve unless they some more serious issue. If they refuse something, and you say "Ok then your choice is bread or banana" then that's going to be pretty boring soon enough.

Original poster
greenwheelie · 18/06/2012 19:38

But Nailak read about how she was behaving - it wasn't just about refusing food.

OP posts:
zukiecat · 18/06/2012 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyWidmerpool · 18/06/2012 19:41

How do you know she hasn't had beetroot before, perhaps at school or a friend's house?

FamiliesShareGerms · 18/06/2012 19:41

Cailin - nothing actually wrong with quality sausages, you know...

nailak · 18/06/2012 19:41

i totally disagree about wide range of food because of firm boundaries, my dd eats gherkin, pickled onion, hummus, olives for example, we never forced her to try, we offered, sometimes she said no, but when she felt like it she said yes and she liked it.

similarly she loves tomatoes, lentils, spinach, but wont eat mushrooms and aubergine, so why should i force her to eat what she doesnt want to?

and i certainly wouldnt fight with a tired child, i wouldnt expect them to be reasonable if tired. that is bu.

Fizzylemonade · 18/06/2012 19:41

YANBU to have binned her food. Ds2 is very very fussy, if he had his way every meal would consist of his favourite food, a plain wrap. That is with nothing on it, or near it, a plain wrap. Oh and he drinks either water or milk. He is 6 FGS.

I think meal times shouldn't be stressful. If you argue/cajole/bribe a child to eat stuff and then end up binning the original meal and just giving them what they would eat, that is crazy. You may as well save yourself the drama and just give them what they want.

For all those parents who have children who just eat without complaint then I am jealous. Ds2 started stopping eating food he has always eaten at around 2. His diet became very limited and it was hard to encourage him to eat foods he always had and to broaden his range of food choices.

I tried to do this without drama. Our rule is also that you try a bite of everything on your plate. But I would always try to give him foods that he would like as well as food that he hasn't tried or maybe tried when he was in a foul mood Grin

Littleplasticpeople · 18/06/2012 19:41

Cailin I agree that 'foods are foods' to kids. For me the 'try a bit of everything on your plate' is just as likely to be 'and have you had a bit of fish finger' as 'have you tried a bit of cabbage'. I just want them to try a bit of each item if I've put it on their plate!