to think that having a settled newborn is bugger all to do with anything you have or haven't done?

[IcouldstillbeJoseph]

Obviously disregarding illness or feeding issues etc. I'm talking about the fact that some babies are just better at sleeping and being contented at the very begnning.

So therefore it is really bloody annoying to hear the smug parents come out with gems as to why they think their baby is more settled than others. My personal favourites are:

"i think its because we've been really pro-routine from the very beginning" - as if the parents of unsettled babies wouldn't dearly love to put their DC down at 10pm and have them drift off blissfully until some hours later. Difficult to be pro-fecking-routine when you can't put them down without them howling

"I think its because I was really chilled out during pregnancy" - right, of course that's it, even though your baby wasn't even breathing or aware of the world just yet it was definitely aware that you were really calm and has carried that over into its new little life

"i think it's because i only drink camomile tea"
"I think it's because I always went to bed at the same time every night when I was pregnant"

oh stop being so smug. Its nothing to do with you, its the luck of the draw.

I remember being heavily pregnant with my first, tossing and turning in bed, waking umpteen times throughout the night.

I clearly remember thinking to myself (oh, the innocence of the untried!!!):

"I'll be glad when this baby is born so I can get a good night's sleep!"

I didn't get a good night's sleep for another two years!

YANBU. My DSis had a nightmare baby, screaming, fussy, didn't sleep (lovely 8 year old now!) i have the easiest happiest baby I know, wakes once or twice a night at 20 weeks, naps well, no feeding issues, only cries when hungry or tired. Fuck all to do with me though! Am seriously consideribg sticking at one though, just to be smug :)

YANBU

Mine were polar opposites. I didn't do anything differently. I didn't follow any parenting books (Gina Ford etc..) One was an easy baby who fell into a good sleep routine, the other a howling insomniac who frightened me half to death with her poor feeding and low weight gain.

I don't usually pull the 'I got loads of kids card' BUT as the mother of five I feel qualified to say yanbu.
Babies do pretty much what they want to do and there isn't a great deal you can do about it.
I am a relaxed mother (to the point of negligence by the time I got to poor dc5) but also like A routine fairly early.
All dcs have gone there own merry way regardless

It's taken me 3 goes to get a contented baby that sleeps through and I'll be buggered if I can think of anything I've done differently this time!
The noise level has increased but that's all I can think of...

I am so glad to read this it's made me cry.

DD is my PFB and she is 6.5 weeks old. She's not too bad at night , although every night is different and generally will have at least one stretch of four hours. I'm not a great sleeper myself so can cope with that. The days however go from bad to worse. She has slept for a total of 2.5 hours in the last 12 and that hasn't been settled. She had two bouts of 45 mins each in her basket this morning. She went down relatively easily but wouldn't resettle once she woke up. Then we went out as often if we go out mid morning she'll sleep in the pram. Nope. We came home and I fed her and she slept on me for an hour. She's now in her bouncy chair, bouncing happily and yawning with bags under her eyes I could pack.

I demand feed and she's EBF. I would be happy for her sleep on me ad infinitum but it doesn't work. I'd walk for five hours a day, but it doesn't work.

And if one more person tells me smugly that she just needs to be held and have I tried the sling, I'll strangle them with the straps of the baby bjorn and then smother them with the kari me. Not my baby. Sometimes she just wants to be put down!!

No, neither DH nor I are the world's calmest people but believe me, I start each day calm and by this time I'm so sad for her. I just want her to be rested.

Help!

Luckily I always knew that babies were different as otherwise I'd be desperately analysing my life to see where I had gone wrong with DC2. DC1 was always easy in that she fed well, would nap anywhere, could entertain herself for ages (would happily spend 45 mins or so on her play gym by herself from a few weeks old) & was generally happy & contented. DC2 is only 4 weeks but its a totally different experience as he has is a windy baby with reflux so rarely settles & constantly requires input whether its clearly up sick, winding him, distracting him or going on yet another walk in the (vain) hope he might fall asleep ... or at least disturb someone other than the immediate neighbour with his cries. There's nothing I did differently, its just how its turned out.
However, I am conscious that with DC2 I am feeling more stressed as the noise of the crying really puts me on edge & am concerned that he may sense that and get more upset as a result. With DC1, as she was so easy, I was really relaxed.

I don't think I was ever smug with DC1 as its a matter of luck but several friends have recently said "now you know what it can be like".

Foshizzle and add to your list the implication that it's your FAULT if your baby won't settle.

DD, my PFB, was a nightmare for the first 8 months. I got so little sleep I just don't know how I continued to function. Then we did sleep training and since then she's been a champion sleeper. DS was the most amazingly chilled out newborn - he just fed and slept and was much less chaotic for the first 3 months. But he's still not properly settled and I know he will never sleep as well. Until he's a teenager that is.

OP, YANBU.

beginnings Both my babies HATED the moses basket. Are you trying a cot too? With my my DD I rolled up blankets like sausages and made a little nest of them round DD so it wasn't too draughty and she did at least consent to go to sleep.

Good luck!

Ooh YANBU this used to really upset me when in the midst of the sleep horror that was DD1's first 9 months. She would not sleep at night not at all. Some nights we would still be pacing the flat and it would get light and the birds would start singing and neither of us had been to bed. I took her to the doctors 3 times and was told some babies just don't sleep (one of the GPs was a mother of 4). For a good while our "routine" was this.

4am baby finally stops screaming mother on verge of nervous breakdown goes to bed.

8am baby wakes up, cries most of afternoon, feeds all evening 4am baby finally goes to sleep repeat. Gina Ford would have been so proud.

It nearly broke me and I didn't want any more DC. Then had DD2 who was a dream and slept 11pm-7 am at 6 weeks. Why? Just don't know.

beginnings my DS just wanted to be put down too - we worked this out after the memorable evening where he got so furious that he screamed blue murder for 1.5 hours straight.....

We got to the stage where we just put him down in a dark quiet room when he seemed tired and let him howl for a bit. It was a surprisingly short howling period! Honestly, he seemed happier for it (and so were we)!! Good luck with your little sleep refuser :)

My DDs now a strapping 5 year old goes to bed at 7.30 and we have to go in and wake her in the morning (bliss - it does get better all those with newborns!)

I agree with cuddler, I think it's down to your own expectations, except in extreme cases. Everybloodyone I meet asks me if she's 'good' or remarks on how content she is.

Yes, she is, but only because I do what SHE wants 90% of the time (and am happy to do that). I think she is good and content, but she never sleeps through, feeds constantly and has only JUST begun to be happy about sitting in a bouncy chair FOR A SHORT TIME, AND ONLY WITHIN SIGHT OF YOU. I'm OK with that, but that would add up to an awful, screamy non-content baby for the routine loving people who just want to put them down and they 'self settle' and sleep through...

don't even think about having her sleep for hours in a pram either, pretty much the same rules as the chair for that

dashingredhead and herrana thanks :) the issue with her is not so much getting her to sleep as getting her to stay asleep. Given that and her slowed weight gain, a bit of mild reflux has been suggested as a theory. It makes sense as often in her sleep she'll screw up her face and then wake up and not be able to settle back. Seems better at night though.

I'm also finding the demand feeding thing a bit tricky as she doesn't really demand to be fed. I offer the breast and she'll take it but I wonder if often that's a solution to tiredness.

beginnings if in doubt, get one out - who cares if she wants to suckle to sleep? mine doesnt often 'demand' feeding as such either, but i guess once she gets a boob in her mouth she forgets the problem anyway!

My baby is chilled, sleeps 12 hours, always happy, friendly, adores books, has good taste in music and loves travelling!

That's because i'm chilled person, ate quinoa during pg, did yogga, took baby to music group at 2 weeks, read to him a pile of books straight after the labour (before they wash him), and both me and dh are well travelled.

if you didn't have an effect, then changing your behaviour wouldn't change how settled your baby is would it! but it does, which is why people are so keen to pass their tips.. they wouldn't bother if their baby was always settled, then continued to be settled when they did X.. its mostly because they DIDN'T have a settled baby at all, then they changed some things and things got SOOO much better that they wondered why noone told them this magic tip before.. so they tell others

YANBU - I am insanely lucky. I have two boys, 3.6 and 1.4. For the first one we had no idea what we were doing, we just made sure he was mostly happy (in between the colic) and went from there with lots of advice from my mum. He slept through from 12 weeks and both are usually in bed by 6-6.30pm with very few night wakings. Both of them eat most things put in front of them and are bright and happy (mostly).

DS2 was more colicky and had mild reflux so a bit trickier. He is a bit quicker to anger than DS1 and a lot more persistent. Still not walking, no words and won't be cajoled into it.

They are the way they are. Sure we made routines and have some rules and boundaries and ways of dealing with any transgressions, but that has come about later. The way they were as little babies has very little/nothing to do with anything I did pre or postnatally; we've all learnt as we've gone along and adapted to their routines.

95% of the time I agree.

I am fairly relaxed & have a very easy going baby. I was also an easy going baby myself apparently. My brother however, was a screamy nightmare & my youngest brother (3.5 years between them) slept through the night before he did. I am fully prepared for our no2 to be equally hard work.

However, the most 'highly strung' couple I know have turned a pretty easy going baby into a non sleeping, highly strung 10 month old. They make parenting look like very, very hard work. Might be total coincidence though.

Reading the above it is obvious, I need to take up yogga for number two

I have found swaddling very good for a cople of mine. I overcame my cynicism and bought a ready made swaddler for dc4 and it was great.

I meant to add earlier that besides colic and reflux, there might be something else going on that makes your baby "difficult". My DSis was a nightmare baby for my poor mum. When she was a child, Mum worked out that it had something to do with what she ate. In adulthood she's been diagnosed as coeliac.

Whereas I was a very chilled out baby (not coeliac, have been tested). My Mum fully admits she was completely clueless about babies before I was born, so it absolutely had nothing to do with anything she did/did not do.

Normally I am relaxed about the fact I have bred two non-sleeping babies (although DD is going through a mostly sleep through stage well one waking a night) but am extra tired and a childminder at playgroup today once again told me he needs to be held because I let him and he just needs to go down by himself. Also as it is my second child I should be an expert i.e. i should know what to do so get on with it. Not what I needed to hear today.

Luckily my mum had 5 of all different sleep varieties so she is understanding. I'm not bloody well having a third though, I just can't do it.

People forget that you don't start out rocking etc. your baby to sleep, they stop doing that newborn thing or just falling asleep and you escalate up. Of course we try and tail things back a bit as and when we can. Also that nonsense about they need quiet because that's what you gave them. NO!! DD was 19 months when DS came along so I naively thought we would have no choice but to learn to sleep with noise around.

YANBU and this thread is helping me A LOT. Have a 13 mo DS who was a flipping nightmare when tiny. Then I went against all advice and rules - put him on his tummy to sleep and actually let him have a whinge. He started to sleep a bit better and now sleeps 7:30am-6am (or 5am, as it's been recently - he's far from perfect). And has slept through since he was 8mo.

Some others have said about expectation. I've always been a massive sleeper - I was my mum's 'textbook' baby as she called it. So I have really struggled with what I feel is sleep deprivation. Others might be happy with my night. But selfishly perhaps I struggle to go to sleep before 10pm and need more than 7 hours sleep. I can't help it.

Love your quote foshizzle

Beginnings my DS didn't sleep for more than 40 mins in the day until he was 6mo. He'd sleep for up to 5 hours at night, but only 40 mins in day. Wanted to see EVERYTHING and is now so bright, bubbly and interested. Wish i'd learnt to just go with it sooner. At this age they are ready to sleep (if they are 40 min-ers) c.2 hours after waking. And if they resist, then just try to relax. Get out as much as possible. I used to just try and give my DS the 'opportunity' to sleep - he'd have at least one cot sleep and then one out and about. PM if you want any more hints, don't want to clog up this thread too much x