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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH wants to bring OW (now wife) to DS school open night

126 replies

ToddlersRFab · 17/06/2012 20:37

He only left in Sept last year and is now married. We are just finalising financials and house transfer goes through on Friday this week (1 days after the court agreed date for the transfer to complete) but it hasn't happened quickly enough for him, as it is holding up his house sale. But I have not delayed it.

Anyhow because he thinks I am being awkward, he is now saying that they are both attending the school evening (DS 4 starts school in Sept). I have a non molestation order against him which runs out in less than a month.

Any suggestions on how to handle this? I am still emotionally raw and don't need a woman who has known my DS for 9 months to be involved in his schooling (or anything else for that matter).

OP posts:
CaliforniaLeaving · 17/06/2012 20:39

Trouble is she is now your Ds's step mother whether you like it or not. Not sure about the non molestation order, will that be renewed? Does it mean he can't be anywhere near you?

JuicyOrange · 17/06/2012 20:40

Oh dear. I can see how this would be incredibly hurtful for you.

However, if he is now married to this woman, she will be a part of DS's life now. Thinking access etc. So tbf, it is great for DS that he has three support people there.

But I can see how horrid it must feel. :(

Not sure re order, sorry.

monkeymoma · 17/06/2012 20:40

it sounds very tough for you

but from your DSs point of view it is very nice that she is interested enough in him to go to boring-ass school open nights, what I mean is, compaired to the alternative (a step mum who sees him as an irritation). I know it would be SOOO hard but I would try to encourage a positive relationship between them since she is now your DSs father's wife

Cuddler · 17/06/2012 20:41

Is there no way you could convince him its too soon,and that maybe this time she shouldnt come?Is she involved in the kids life a lot?

sensuallettuce · 17/06/2012 20:41

Is she going because she is interested or to piss you off?

WorraLiberty · 17/06/2012 20:42

You can make two separate appointments...schools are very used to this sort of thing sadly.

Sorry to sound thick, but how has he managed to divorce and re-marry so quickly if he only left in September, or were you divorced but living together still?

avivabeaver · 17/06/2012 20:42

what time does ds spend with his father? does it include school nights? will she pick up?

sounds awful but it is what it is. she is step mother- your ds is only 4. she is going to be in his life. dont make it more difficult for ds, or yourself for that matter.

sensuallettuce · 17/06/2012 20:43

Maybe they weren't marred? Confused

Hassled · 17/06/2012 20:44

But she has no parental responsibility, does she? It doesn't sound like it's a case of her being interested (although possibly she is, and I agree that would only be a good thing for your DS) - it sounds more like he's goading you, rubbing your face in the new set-up.

Is there any case for trying to renew the non-molestation order?

monkeymoma · 17/06/2012 20:44

yeah cuddler's suggestion might be the way to go, say that you do appreciate that she is interested and that is wonderful since they are in each others life now, and of course as a significant adult in DS's fathers life it would be nice for DS to have her there at big occassions, however at the moment you still feel raw and don't want DS to pick up on that so could she miss THIS one and wait till the next one when hopefully the wounds have healed a little so it'ld be a more relaxed evening for everyone involved?

IvanaNap · 17/06/2012 20:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

Triggles · 17/06/2012 20:44

As much as I sympathise with you, if this is your DS's father and his new partner, I think you're going to need to try to be an adult about it. They are going to have an influence on his life, and while you certainly don't need to be chummy with her, I think you do need to be civil. Don't make it more uncomfortable for your DS, or he will feel in the middle of it all and will feel that he has to choose sides between his parents.

It's going to be raw and uncomfortable, but you have to do what is best for your son. As long as she is not a danger to him, then her showing support at his school evening is a good thing IMO.

There's something to be said for choosing your battles. Is it really that huge a deal for her to be there? Presumably she is going to be there when he visits his father, so it's good for her to know what's going on school-wise and being supportive.

ZZZenAgain · 17/06/2012 20:45

I agree with hassled and I don't think it is at all appropriate. To me it comes across as a bit threatening. Are they trying to get custody of ds?

WorraLiberty · 17/06/2012 20:45

I was just going by the thread title Sensual

monkeymoma · 17/06/2012 20:46

Hassled, I have no doubt that there are women out there that would do things like this just to annoy/mark territory etc

but I think its as likely to be interest, if DH had a child before we met/married I'ld be interested in the child and care about it because it was part of my DH IYWKIM

CoteDAzur · 17/06/2012 20:47

Not sure if you are asking if YABU but...

Everyone here can sympathise that this is very difficult with you, and delaying OW's appearance in these events would make things easier for you.

However, it will not be any easier for your DS if OW starts being involved in his life now or in several months. In fact, it will arguably be better for him to start seeing her more often now, at the age of 4, when he isn't likely to be affected much by the tension between the adults.

As someone else said, she is now his step-mum and it is better for your DS to have one who is interested in his life. Sad for you, though.

usualsuspect · 17/06/2012 20:47

Why does she want to go? what the hell has it got to do with her?

and just because she is married to OPs ex, it doesn't automatically make her a 'stepmother' either

CoteDAzur · 17/06/2012 20:48

Eh?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/06/2012 20:48

Going to the open evening isn't going to make her involved in his schooling. Try to put your emotions to one side and get some perspective. I mean that in the nicest possible way!

My dh has come to things for my dc's school, but I still very much co parent with my dc's lovely Dad. The reason my dh comes to things like open evenings is because I want him to get a feel for the school so that when the dc or I talk about school stuff he can understand it better.

It's not about him being involved in schooling, it's more about him not being completely out of the loop. Which he deserves, because he's a good stepdad that has to consider and make sacrifices for dc that are not his and already have a very involved Dad. It's a hard balance for him, he has to be involved without stepping on toes if you see what I mean, and going to an open evening is something completely harmless that he can do to help him know more about the lives of his step children.

ipotty · 17/06/2012 20:49

Could you take your mum or a friend so that you're not wandering around the school alone?

WorraLiberty · 17/06/2012 20:49

Of course it makes here a Stepmother Confused

And her stepson's education is lots to do with her if her if his Dad wants her to be a part of it.

It's understandable that the OP is upset, but let's not pretend the woman is not his Stepmother.

sensuallettuce · 17/06/2012 20:49

Oops sorry worral Blush

Are you in the UK op?

usualsuspect · 17/06/2012 20:50

I would be beyond annoyed , it's none of her buisness

WorraLiberty · 17/06/2012 20:51

Oh I can't fucking type when I'm sober...sorry just try to make sense of my last pile of shite please Blush

usualsuspect · 17/06/2012 20:52

After only 9 months she wants to play happy families? no way