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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH wants to bring OW (now wife) to DS school open night

126 replies

ToddlersRFab · 17/06/2012 20:37

He only left in Sept last year and is now married. We are just finalising financials and house transfer goes through on Friday this week (1 days after the court agreed date for the transfer to complete) but it hasn't happened quickly enough for him, as it is holding up his house sale. But I have not delayed it.

Anyhow because he thinks I am being awkward, he is now saying that they are both attending the school evening (DS 4 starts school in Sept). I have a non molestation order against him which runs out in less than a month.

Any suggestions on how to handle this? I am still emotionally raw and don't need a woman who has known my DS for 9 months to be involved in his schooling (or anything else for that matter).

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 17/06/2012 21:21

yes, just ask someone to go with you, doesn't have to be a close friend or a family member. Just ask a few people so you feel more comfortable.

And I would apply for an extension soon since you just have a month left and I don't know how much time it takes to get this sort of thing through. Then you can inform the school of the situation when he starts with the order in place. I don't much like the sound of this pair. I know things can settle given time but the start of a situation tells you a lot about what people are really like, doesn't it?

Xales · 17/06/2012 21:21

Can you tell the school that you have this order and therefore would prefer a separate time slot?

ZZZenAgain · 17/06/2012 21:23

sorry what I meant was ask a few people till someone agrees to go, not take a whole horde along with you.

Mosman · 17/06/2012 21:24

I have to say I would tell her to take a run and jump, if he wants to be involved in the child's education marvellous, it's fuck all to do with her.

racingheart · 17/06/2012 21:29

I understand all the mature people saying she is now a part of his life and it's good she shows an interest. But three ex husbands Shock? And ExH is the fourth? I'd go easy on getting her involved. Who knows how long she'll be around. If she's muscling in on speech therapy already, that's a bit premature of her. It won't help your DC if she takes an active interest for as long as ExH is hot property, then backs off. Not saying she will, but no harm in taking it slowly.

RachelF1989 · 17/06/2012 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FallenCaryatid · 17/06/2012 21:32

'I understand all the mature people saying she is now a part of his life and it's good she shows an interest. But three ex husbands?'

Well, we didn't know that at the beginning, OP is drip-feeding.

WorraLiberty · 17/06/2012 21:35

Worral - no need for her note, as we have hand over notes between me and ExH at each hand over

Yes but wasn't the note you handed over missing some information?

ShullBit · 17/06/2012 21:39

OP, has his new wife even said herself that she wants to go and is going? Or was it just the ExH saying it knowing full well it will hurt you?

Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 17/06/2012 21:41

Thank you all for your support and comments.

The non molestation order was because of his behavior towards me from the outset of leaving me, bullying, harassment, reporting me to social services etc. The final straw was him bringing OW into the house as he said it was his house (mortgage in his name even though I paid half from the day I moved in) and he could invite who he liked into the house. She ran out when the police arrived as she works for social services (ExH threatened to hit me me outside DS's bedroom). I am at the solicitors tomorrow to sign the mortgage documents, so will see if my other solicitor is available for some advice.

I will also ring the school tomorrow for a chat. But I want the balls and courage to be at the school on wednesday night - why should they influence my life with DS. I can't stop crying at the moment and need to be sooooo strong to face them.

OP posts:
ReportMeNow · 17/06/2012 21:46

Is it one of those information giving evenings, so no appointments but you sit in the hall together?

If you want to avoid this charming pair, why not contact the reception teacher/headteacher directly, and say there is an non-molestation order in place pertaining to your ex, but he is insisting on attending the information evening. You have no wish to be awkward but could the school give you the information pack directly and you possibly arrange an informal chat, maybe on one of those settling in sessions (of which usually there are a few pre September) with the class teacher to answer any queries you might have? Generally the key stuff you get is the uniform order list (to get in before the school hols) and the settling in sessions, afair.

And similar for parents evenings, you can arrange separate appts and avoid each other and indeed with occasions like school plays which are often on for a couple of nights, it's preferable as it means there is a parent there each night. There might be the one-off event you both want to attend but usually schools are accommodating where non-molestation orders are in place.

Would suggest you renew the order.

IvanaNap · 17/06/2012 21:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 17/06/2012 21:46

Worral - I forgot to hand over one sheet of paper. Not intentional at all, just an oversight. I have to ask ExH for an update every time he goes to SALT.

If I had not informed ExH of school evening, he would not have known about it at all and I could have gone on my own without involving him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 17/06/2012 21:50

Reportmeknow - yes its just a bog standard introduction night. I would like to go to see if I know any other parents there. My exH is a bully and I want to stand up to him, but not sure I have the balls right now.

Shullbit - she will go, even if it is just to support new H

OP posts:
racetobed · 17/06/2012 21:51

Move, OP. Move 80 miles to be closer to your own family, where you have support but can raise your son without depriving him of his dad (80 miles is not that far). You shouldn't have to put up with being humiliated and manipulated by these two idiots, and I can't see how their behaviour will get any better.

I would not put up with this. Go. Leave.

Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 17/06/2012 21:55

racetobed I would if my family was younger and larger. But we are older parents (wouldn't think it by our behaviour at the moment) and ExH has a bigger and generally younger family that DS can grow up with. Therefore I made a conciseness decision to stay in the area at the end of last year, for my DS sake.

ExH family are being very supportive.

OP posts:
beachyhead · 17/06/2012 21:55

I would just ask him if he would like to go at the beginning or the end of the open day, and when he answers, I would say, 'Great, you be there from 11am to 12 noon and I'll be there from 12 noon to 1pm. That would make it far more comfortable for me.' And when he says, 'Er, OK then' just say thanks and put the phone down.

You are clearly not that comfortable in being in the same space as the OW, which is fair enough, but if she is going to play a part in school life at all, she will need to be familiar with the school and an open day is a way of achieving that.

mablemurple · 17/06/2012 21:55

I wouldn't go for separate appointments because you will have no idea what the pair of them will be saying to the teachers.

For what it's worth, my father remarried twice after my mum kicked him out, and neither I nor my two younger sisters ever referred to, or even thought of, either of them as stepmother (and he's still married to one of them). So yes, you do have to earn that title, IMO.

ShullBit · 17/06/2012 21:57

I was just wondering hoping for you that it was just a threat from your ExH and she didn't know.

But going from your other posts, about him bringing her into your home and her actually staying till the shit kicked off, it does appear like she isn't at all an innocent party in this or wanting to put your DS first. That is despicable behaviour from them both.

I would definitely look into having the order renewed.

ReportMeNow · 17/06/2012 21:59

If you are going to take him to and from school then you will soon get to know parents - it's not really a social chit chat event, more a being talked at one. I can completely understand your desire to be there and to stand your ground but also want to reassure you it's not the be all and end all if you don't go, especially if you'd already met the teacher and got the information pack Wink
But best of luck with whatever you decide.

Sassybeast · 17/06/2012 22:00

It's a load of bullshit to suggest that this woman has honourable intentions towards your sons education. It is clearly an attempt by him to get at you, and she is either vindictive enough, or stupid enough, to play along. I can't begin to tell you about the boundaries that OW in my case has crossed.
BUT, at the end of the day, she can try to play happy families all that she likes. he can try and control you all he likes. Your little boy has only ever had and will only ever have ONE mummy. And as someone said already, at age 4, you are his rock and the centre of the world that has been turned upside down by the star crossed lovers. Hold your head high at school, he cannot come near you so don't allow him to intimidate you.
When all the financial stuff has been sorted, and life begins to take on a sense on new normality for you, the rawness of all of this won't be quite so searing. Some day in the future, if she sticks around long enough, you can hope that she is kind to him and looks after him when he is with them. But she will NEVER be his mummy.

racetobed · 17/06/2012 22:01

OP i'm just really sad for you.

Fwiw, my dd has a lovely stepmum, whom i like very much, but even then i still find it hurtful when she plaits her hair (irrational, but true)

I would find it very very hard if somebody as callous and malicious as your exh's wife thought they had a claim on my child.

And I agree with mablemurple, you do have to earn the term stepmother. For now, she's just married to his dad. And given her marital history, it doesn't bode that well...

Salute your decision to stay, but I'd still go.

ReportMeNow · 17/06/2012 22:01

Take an IL with you Wink

PullUpAPew · 17/06/2012 22:02

I totally disagree with those saying 'have a chat with him and tell him you are uncomfortable' - if he is the type to need a non-molestation order and he has reported you to SS etc, he is clearly not a reasonable man. So your only options are a) rise above it or b) find ways to avoid them.

As I said upthread, there is nothing you can do about them, either they are nice or nasty. You being 'mature' about this is the only way to protect yourself really if they are going to be twats.

CrumpettyTree · 17/06/2012 22:06

Why is she writing a letter to you to say you missed out information. What an antagonistic thing to do. I reckon her relationship with your husband doesn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of lasting. Look at her track record, plus they both know each other is not to be trusted as they cheated on you. I can see a few trust issues forming there. Don't worry she won't be around long OP. I reckon this Xmas will be the last they spend together.