ExH wants to bring OW (now wife) to DS school open night

[ToddlersRFab]

He only left in Sept last year and is now married. We are just finalising financials and house transfer goes through on Friday this week (1 days after the court agreed date for the transfer to complete) but it hasn't happened quickly enough for him, as it is holding up his house sale. But I have not delayed it.

Anyhow because he thinks I am being awkward, he is now saying that they are both attending the school evening (DS 4 starts school in Sept). I have a non molestation order against him which runs out in less than a month.

Any suggestions on how to handle this? I am still emotionally raw and don't need a woman who has known my DS for 9 months to be involved in his schooling (or anything else for that matter).

Agree with crumpetty, I wouldn't be betting on a long marriage given their track records. Which is another reason not to sweat her, she might be out of your hair in two years' time.

Agree pullupapew and your ex is a cunt, she is dispicable but with her track record I would put bets on it not lasting!!

ReportmeKNow - I am thinking of asking his brother to come along as support. It might take the wind out of his sails.

But I would rather take you lots along with me instead..... MN give me balls, courage and a night when I look fabulous and confident to stand up to the bullies that they are.

She may be your child's stepmother but she doesn't have parental responsibility. I would be telling her and your ex that, and telling your ex that you will only discuss your child's education and health with him not his wife so can future correspondence on the subjects please come from him as you will ignore letters from her.
I think coming to an open meeting is fair enough, I presume she may decide to attend school concerts etc in the future.
My ex and I still go to my kids' parents evenings together, but if the 2 of you can't go together and go seperately anyway then he may decide to ask her to go along and there's not much you can do about it.
You'll both have problems when it comes to secondary school with umpteen teachers to get round though. It's a squash seeing all the teachers if each kid has 1 parent coming. If each kid needed 2 slots for 2 parents it would be mad.
I'd ignore the school thing, you can't control that, but only communicate with your ex about your son.
If she has any parenting skills at all she will step back a bit in the early stages and not try alienating you.
She will be involved in his life though, but you and your ex should be the central figures.

Taking BIL is a very good move. Ex literally foams at the mouth when he sees me with his parents

Reading about her many marriages and his idiotic behavior resulting in the non molestation order I think that he is bring her (or even going himself) just to wind you up.
Don't let them see you blink, please take someone with you for moral support and i really hope that the order can be extended or renewed, he does sound like a real dick.

Firstly, although she may have previous experience of being a sm, she is not your child's mother. She is not ever going to be better at parenting your son than you. She is clearly not that good at being a sm if she thinks that this is an appropriate way to behave.

Secondly, I would not communicate with her at all. She has no PR and if your ex divorced her she would have no more rights to your child than the milkman!

Thirdly, contact all people involved in your child's care and tell them to send out duplicate info to both you and your ex.

Renew your court order.

I agree that he is using her to get at you and that you need to watch your back.

Most importantly, don't ever let them know that they are getting to you. They will derive satisfaction from it. Be cool and calm and serene, even if you are seething on the inside. Be polite and act as if you don't give a shite who he brings to school events.

Don't stay away - be visible at your child's school. If they are going to launch a bid for custody, you need to play the long game and give them no ammunition. Don't let them give the school the impression that they are the primary carers. They will try to sideline you if they can.

Agree that you should take support with you. i'd be tempted to take my former mil, but it should be someone who will support you.

I know you don't feel like it, but try to be the bigger more grown up person this.

Karmabeliever - thank you for your wise words. All parents are long gone, therefore only siblings and friends are around for support.

I will endeavor to let you all know how I get on.

Thank you all again for your support. You are all stars.

Night, sleep well.

They won't get custody.. Take your bil with you if only to message the bitch that his family support you. Smile at them both and rise above. What goes around comes around.

I would be reluctant to take the BIL with you because that might give them all the more cause to come over and start chatting...making it much more difficult to avoid them.

Poor poor you :( I would hate this situation and it is all still raw for you...
Totally agree with what karmabeliever said.
In fact... I'd write it down and stick it on the fridge!
Hope you get through this and remember... YOU are ds's mum... nothing will ever change that...

What an arsehole. You had an order out against him so how can he go near you? Id just go to parents evening by myself, if he is going to play games and taunt you then he doesn't deserve to be there, it's not like it'll be nice for your ds either. This woman is a freak that she wants to play mummy to a child she has just met. He is your son and she needs to back off.

I was going to say some of the stuff karma said... but she has done it so well already.

go to the school. smile sweetly and pretend you don't care. (repeat dilligaf to yourself) try to remember that he is giving himself away that he is the one that left for another woman and he is the one looking an idiot for parading her to the world and smile sweetly to yourself. it is the best revenge!

I have complete wanker tosser arsehole ex like yours, he has pulled similar stunts to this.

I used to worry so much about something happening and that I might be upset or tearful, but in fact when it did I was actually absolutely furious and not tearful at all, and as it happened their actions made them look very spiteful and stupid, to the extent that they lost most of the few friends they had.

I know its early days, but trust me it does get a lot easier and in time you will be able to ignore them. The first time is the hardest, as someone suggested maybe get your hair done a new outfit and a big smile no matter how false it feels. A bully will want you to feel exactly as you do, and to cower away from them.

Finally a friend posted this on facebook recently and its so true;

The best revenge is moving on, getting over it and making a sucess of your life, don't give someone the satisfaction of watching you suffer.

Helenthemadex - thank you for the support. And after a night of non sleep, tossing and turning, I have decided to go as glamourous as possible (she is of course younger, taller and slimmer) with my head held high.

IT IS MY SON, and as you all quite rightly commented, she can never take that away from me. I have spoken to my solicitor today and she agrees that if it continues, we will write to them both. And she has no parental rights either.

I have made an appointment with the head of the school too, and have made them aware of the non molestation order and the joint residency order with agreed access.

I am feeling a lot stronger today.

Thank you all again. I will keep you all posted, and I will stay strong!

Redwhiteandblueyedsusan - just looked up dilligaf - love it. I will repeat this as and when necessary!

i guess open days are different to actual meetings? ds's school has open days (for everyone) no personal stuff is delt with no work its just stuff like plays and things then they have parents evenings and reviews,

open days i go to ds's dad wouldnt even bother to show up if he did i wouldnt give two hoots if he brought his gf. meetings with regard to ds's personal work attainment behaviour ect as well as anything medical is just for parents whilst your aloud to bring a supportive friend or anything like that i would go ape if he brought her, ds is very funny about privacy and stuff like that as am i he has a right to not have stuff that he wouldnt like to talk about talked about infront of her equally as such i attend all these meetings compleatly by myself as if its not ok for ex to bring his current then its not ok for me to

oh i forgot to add, be carefull dont let him get you alone dont give them any ammo be cool rise above his petty attempts to unnerve you.

and as another poster said roll on xmas they will probally have parted company by then and she will allready have a new hubby and someone elses children to muscle in on

There is a middle ground between her being sweetly interested and completely vindictive, but it might not help you any.

From your posts it sounds like she might be one of those controlling selfish self-centred people who simply cannot have any empathy for anyone else and steam-roller over everyone to get their own way.

It kind of fits with the three failed marriages, being the OW and the message that she sent you.

So her point of view may be "I am the new wife, I deserve to be involved in everything, I have the right to go to the school, i have the right to know everything about my husband's son, dictate what happens and what I want is the most important thing" I almost hope that she is like that as your exDH has to live with her.

If she is, you do need to stand your ground and please don't let them elbow you out of things in your son's life. She is the step-mother and thats so hard, but she is not your DS mother - you are and as others have said, she will not take your place - but she might want to try.

Good for you - I think taking BIL is a brilliant idea and you should hold your head up and get through the evening with gritted teeth, but definitely go. Very brave of you.

I completely understand your feelings of not wanting to share your child with another person, however it is a good start that you feel she is good with your son, - that at least holds promise that this situation can become easier over time.

If you feel that this is being done to wind you up then it's a good time to start picking your battles carefully (rising above it and all that) If you are right about it then the less you react to these games the sooner they will be over.

Divorce and Family Law Solicitors have seen this crap over a over and will tell you it will get better, more comfortable - not so much of a competition. At the moment it's all about who is 'winning' or getting the upper hand, - it won't always be.

I'm getting the underlying impression that she is the type to barrel in and try to 'fix' everything and everyone where she perceives there are shortfalls?

This, although irritating and insulting to you may not be a bad thing in the long run, - perhaps she will (with all her experience) set your Ex on the right road and once things level out will hold your son's best interests at heart.

In the meantime do your best to not give them any reason to complain or try to second guess you (it is so easy to get into a game of "a-ha he/she is doing this because .... so I'm going to do this....), - share information with your Ex , don't hold back a thing unless truly necessary, - adopt an "I am as clean and whistle so have nothing to hide" attitude. Adopt a relaxed, laid back attitude (even if you have to rant and complain on here).

And rock it in a discreetly glamourous look at the open day,

Op, I have had a similar experience but don't want to derail your thread with my story. My advice is go to the school, head held high, looking your best with a big smile on your face. You will be shaking but don't let them bully you into submission. Look them both in the eye if you see them and carry on smiling.... They want to unsettle you. Show them they can't. Worked for me. X

yes take his brother or I was about to suggest before I read your suggestion of that, bring along an attractiev apparent toy boy without explainnig who the man is. He can just be a good looking 24 year old you know and they can all assume you have a new man.

By the way loads of divorec parents with these issues arrange another date to see teachers on so they don't meet particularly if it's primary school and one main teacher. Most schools will let your ex or you arrange to see the teacher on a different date as they know how awkward it can be.

Toddlers glad to hear you are feeling more positive and have taken some action, as I said it will become so much easier over time. You will get through this and your DS will be fine.

Well I have eventually got logged on for an update.

We all arrived at the car park together - they went ahead. I was very anxious but held my head high. The school had 2 entrance packs available for us which was good.

I held my head high and was relieved when it was all over.

On Friday I had a seperate meeting with the Head and SN co-ordinator who were lovely. They were very supportive of the situation and will ensure that DS always comes first. ExH has already instructed them that I am not able to sign for any school trips without him counter signing. To which they said that they would get involved if DS missed any trips as a result of this request. They re assured me about parental rights etc and that we as parents are the only 2 to be involved in DS's education/welfare etc.

So I feel much happier. And the school has a fantastic feel about it - so pleased that DS is going there even though it was 2nd choice.

Thanks again for everyone's input.