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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH wants to bring OW (now wife) to DS school open night

126 replies

ToddlersRFab · 17/06/2012 20:37

He only left in Sept last year and is now married. We are just finalising financials and house transfer goes through on Friday this week (1 days after the court agreed date for the transfer to complete) but it hasn't happened quickly enough for him, as it is holding up his house sale. But I have not delayed it.

Anyhow because he thinks I am being awkward, he is now saying that they are both attending the school evening (DS 4 starts school in Sept). I have a non molestation order against him which runs out in less than a month.

Any suggestions on how to handle this? I am still emotionally raw and don't need a woman who has known my DS for 9 months to be involved in his schooling (or anything else for that matter).

OP posts:
FallenCaryatid · 17/06/2012 21:06

The speech therapist should be prepared to send or email information to both of you if it is requested, just like the school.
She may be a more experienced mother, but you are the expert on your child.
Nothing will change that.

usualsuspect · 17/06/2012 21:07

Well she was the OW, so I guess shes not too bothered about the OPs feeling.

frumpet · 17/06/2012 21:07

Is there any way of you speaking to the wife of your Ex , without going through him iyswim ? If there is , i would be tempted to ring her and say that whilst you are delighted that she is showing such an interest in your DS's education , you feel that it may be a little akward on the night and that you will be contacting the school to see if they can organise a meeting at another time that they or you could attend. She would probably be relieved if truth be told , i would hate to be used as a pawn to irritate the ex , but then again i wouldnt allow myself to be put in that posistion by any man .

Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 17/06/2012 21:08

I ignore any contact from her, as I only try to have open contact with ExH but with the non molestation order, although we can discuss parenting issues openly, he uses the court order as an excuse not to speak to me.

My family (and my exH family) are very supportive, but my family live 80 miles or more away from me. So difficult for anyone to come and support me. ExH family live locally but I do not want them to get involved.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 17/06/2012 21:10

I hope you are going to be alright when this non molestation order expires. Have you looked into extending it?

SecretPlansAndCleverTricks · 17/06/2012 21:11

Agree it is much more likely to be her trying to rub your face in it / gloat than real interest. Be as calm and graceful as you can.

Heavensmells · 17/06/2012 21:11

It's all very well saying that she's his stepmother and has a right to take an interest in in time that's all well and good.
It's only been 9 months though, that's very soon and I would feel the same as the op in this situation. This woman has turned her world upside down and I wouldn't want her anywhere near me.
I think stepmum needs to butt out for the the little boys sake.

Alurkatsoftplay · 17/06/2012 21:11

There's no point contacting her or him. They are so far up their own arses they won't listen to reason. Given the history, they are being provocative.
Just try to think of it as the more people who care about DS the better.
And it will get better over time.
My son's dad (ex) and I both have partners and we are at the stage where if anyone extra wanted to come to a school event that would be fine and lovely. However, there is no need for the plus one to come at all. Your ex sounds like a tosser and you are well rid.

PullUpAPew · 17/06/2012 21:13

OP, don't worry about them. Just try to focus on you and your relationship with your child.

If your ex is a twat and his new wife also a twat, there is absolutely nothing you can do about that. If they are going because they want to be involved, great. If they are going because they want to wind you up, pathetic. You don't have to let them wind you up - or at least you don't have to show them if they do.

It is hard, but just try to rise above it.

Triggles · 17/06/2012 21:13

oh please.... "marking her territory"??? You don't think she maybe has already done that by marrying the OP's ex?? Hmm

Maybe.. just maybe... she's just trying to support her new husband and his child by going to the school evening. Maybe she thought that both she and the child's mother could be adults and put personal feelings aside for the sake of the child and simply act like grown ups.

sigh... good grief.. don't you WANT his new stepmother to be interested in his education so she can support him when he is with them during visits?

WorraLiberty · 17/06/2012 21:13

She had the audacity to send a typed letter to me today about my DS's speech therapy sessions attended alternative weeks by me and ExH. It was a note to say that I had not passed on some information

Do you think she sent the note because of the order?

It can't be easy with that in place so perhaps she feels she has to be in the 'middle'?

whydoialwaysgetitwrong · 17/06/2012 21:13

I know its horrible, but there is nothing you can do to stop it, so you just have to live with it.

Better that than giving them the satisfaction of knowing they have gotten to you.

Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 17/06/2012 21:16

Zzzenagain I have already discussed with solicitor and she said it will be easy to apply for an extention of non molestation order on my own without solicitor attending.

I know that with time it will hurt less, but the sheer nerve of her. Wish I had the bottle to attend the school open day and not show my feelings.

OP posts:
Aboutlastnight · 17/06/2012 21:16

Op

I have no experience of this but just wanted to say that you are his mother and nothing will take take that away. You have to focus on building a strong relationship with your son knowing you will always be the most important person in his life. Let your ex and OW get on with whatever they want to, and be confident that you are his mummy and nothing will change that.

bochead · 17/06/2012 21:16

Audacity is about right. Watch your back OP - she's gearing up to try and replace you, I see a request for ex hubby to have full residency in the next year or two.

Golden rule of being a stepmum = "Mum runs tings", not Daddy's new partner. I get on really well with my now 23 year old step son, despite splitting with his father by follwing the golden rule. So I'm not impressed to hear she's been a step mum for 10 years - if she was any good at it she'd be respectful of boundaries not brazenly pushing her way into stuff that should be reserved for the parents only at this delicate stage. Like it or not a step parent is a supporting role only.

Go along, take a friend with you for moral support and hold your head up high. Noone can even attempt to compete with you, as you are MUM and for a four year old that makes you the centre of your child's world.

With regards to the SALT - go to every damn appointment you can - just so you know exactly what's happening with YOUR child and can support him properly between appointments. If the ex wants to attend every other week that's fine, but you keep doing what you need to be doing as the rock in that child's life.

ToothbrushThief · 17/06/2012 21:17

OP - horrible situation for you but do not let them undermine your confidence in your own relationship with your DC.

Initially your DC may seem to accept her but based on my experience they tolerate and feel fond of ...but no one NO ONE replaces mum.

In a few yrs she might be gone. You will always be his mum.

Just grit your teeth and ignore.

ipotty · 17/06/2012 21:17

Do you have anyone you can take with you to the Open Evening as your family live so far away? At least then you would have another adult to talk to as you look around

Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 17/06/2012 21:17

Worral - no need for her note, as we have hand over notes between me and ExH at each hand over.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 17/06/2012 21:18

"Well she was the OW, so I guess shes not too bothered about the OPs feeling."

Or the boy's welfare.

NonnoMum · 17/06/2012 21:19

Ok, here's my opinion.
Yes, on the surface it might look like she is taking an interest in your DS's schooling etc but, as another poster has said, she must have skin like a rhino to not realise this is being either deliberately or inappropriately provacative (marking territory another poster said).

Also, I don't like the way your ex-p has referred to her experience of parenting - he does seem to be undermining you.

However, you can only be undermined if you let yourself be undermined. What I would do, is new haircut, new outfit, great make up and nice smile and go along to the Open Evening as your son's MOTHER. Any reasonable human being would see you, see them holding hands and swooning (or asking too many probing or random questions about Ofsted or whatever they intend to do), and would make a mental note that you are the mother, they are the nutters and will do their best to try and be as friendly to you as can be.

IMHO

Good luck. Keep smiling. (oh, and the teachers will make a note of step mum too)

accountantsrule · 17/06/2012 21:19

YANBU to feel how you do, I have no idea what would make it easier for you and its an awful situation for you to be in but I think in reality it is something that will happen time and time again. My SIL has been through this and the only thing that made it easier was time and also once she met someone else.

I am sure its not helpful as such, but she cried every time she dropped DN off at XP and OWs house - what I am saying is that it is totally normal to feel this way but you may just need to put on a brave face!

Kitchentiles · 17/06/2012 21:20

What PullUpAPew said.

PullUpAPew · 17/06/2012 21:20

Don't forget, she will have been told a whole load of crap about you by your ex/her husband. He'll have painted you as the villain. She probably has been asked to go by him. She's trying to make her marriage work, naturally (probably trying desperately if he's the 4th!) Don't be surprised if he has told her you are neglectful etc etc.

I think your ex is a twat for taking her, she is probably not personally invested in making you uncomfortable but I bet he is.

What was the non-molestation order for - why did you need to get that? I am just wondering in what way your ex was making himself a nuisance to you, in order to get an idea of what he is like.

NonnoMum · 17/06/2012 21:20

boc - cross post. I agree with you.

MarySA · 17/06/2012 21:20

You've every right not to be happy about this at all. I wouldn't acknowledge an ex DH's wife as Stepmother to my children whether she was or not. I think you are in an awful situation and your DH should be a bit more sensitive to your feelings rather than be flaunting his new wife at the first opportunity. Why on earth should she be entitled to be involved in any decision regarding your son.