Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

ExH wants to bring OW (now wife) to DS school open night

126 replies

ToddlersRFab · 17/06/2012 20:37

He only left in Sept last year and is now married. We are just finalising financials and house transfer goes through on Friday this week (1 days after the court agreed date for the transfer to complete) but it hasn't happened quickly enough for him, as it is holding up his house sale. But I have not delayed it.

Anyhow because he thinks I am being awkward, he is now saying that they are both attending the school evening (DS 4 starts school in Sept). I have a non molestation order against him which runs out in less than a month.

Any suggestions on how to handle this? I am still emotionally raw and don't need a woman who has known my DS for 9 months to be involved in his schooling (or anything else for that matter).

OP posts:

Original poster

ToddlersRFab · 17/06/2012 20:53

We were married and divorced very quickly.

He is doing it to annoy me. I really don't think it has anything to do with being interested, although she does seem very good with DS.

However I never imagined having to share my DS with another woman ever.... and I am finding that difficult to come to terms with.

I went to court to agree access and we have agreed joint parental responsibilty.

OP posts:

sensuallettuce · 17/06/2012 20:53

If she (OW) was a nice person I think she would take a step back and be sensitive to the OP's feelings and realise she doesn't need to be there and it's the boys PARENTS who do.

But she's going - that takes quite a bit of front actually and suggests she is going to piss the OP off not because she's interested - she doesn't need to be there.

ariadne1 · 17/06/2012 20:53

'just because she is married to OPs ex, it doesn't automatically make her a 'stepmother' either'

I think you'll find it does.

Triggles · 17/06/2012 20:53

I'm sorry but this just is nuts. Only on MN... stepmother is verbally bashed when she doesn't take an interest or bond with stepchild, but stepmother is equally verbally bashed when she does take an interest in stepchild.

Wow. Can't win, can they?

Oh, and yes, it actually does automatically make her a stepmother.

Try to work to a civil relationship with them - it will benefit your son in the long run.

usualsuspect · 17/06/2012 20:54

In name maybe

ariadne1 · 17/06/2012 20:54

it's not like a parents eveninmg where you discuss your DS's progress though is it? It's just an open evening?

Sloobreeus · 17/06/2012 20:54

Toddlers, I would not put yourself through being there with your ex and his STBW. Ask the staff for an appointment for yourself, and try and get it before the general parents' evening. This is a very difficult period for you but the woman will become your child's step mother. Hopefully she will take an interest in your DS and his education rather than just letting herself be used to get at you. I am sure the staff will be used to such requests.

However tempting it is, and I know so as I have been there, conentrate on your child and his education. The family situation is very important in the sense that it will affect your son and the staff will need to take into account as well as noting the effect it is having on you. I am not belittling what you must have been and are still going through. Good luck to your DS at school, and to you for the future.

usualsuspect · 17/06/2012 20:55

But I think you may have to earn your 'stepmother' status

ipotty · 17/06/2012 20:56

I suppose the problem is that the OP can't stop the OW going if her exH insists on it (although I would be furious too). She needs a way to get through the event with dignity I guess

CoteDAzur · 17/06/2012 20:56

No you don't. Wife of the father is called "stepmother".

PfftTheMagicDraco · 17/06/2012 20:57

You cannot stop her going. You will look unreasonable if you try to stop her going.

WorraLiberty · 17/06/2012 20:57

If she seems very good with your DS and if your Ex wants her there, I suppose it's par for the course that she'll want to go.

Is it an 'open' school evening where you can go along at any time and avoid each other?

Or is it one with an appointment time?

If it's the latter, honestly many schools will be only too pleased to make a second appointment...they're so used to children having two sets of interested parents who might not get along.

As far as the school is concerned, your child is the only important person in all of this...therefore they'll be bound to accomodate.

FallenCaryatid · 17/06/2012 20:58

'After only 9 months she wants to play happy families? no way'

The problem is that your ex is your son's father and his wife is your son's step-mother, so if he has equal rights as a parent he can attend parents' evenings and have copies of reports and any other information.
The school will support you as much as they can, it should be no problem for them to give you different appointments and sets of information from your ex, they can handle things like sending double reports without you being involved.
But I don't see how you can stop him involving his new partner.

WorraLiberty · 17/06/2012 20:58

But I think you may have to earn your 'stepmother' status

Well it sounds like she's certainly trying doesn't it?

The OP has said she's 'very good with DS' and she's taking an interest in his education.

helenthemadex · 17/06/2012 20:59

It may be that she is genuinely interested in the child, which is great, but unless she has skin like a bloody rhino she should know that this is going to be difficult and upsetting for op and it will be rubbing her nose in it, which is why I think she is 'marking her territory'

It is not her child, she has no parental responsibility she may well be 'interested' and if she is there are going to be years of opportunity to show her interest and support for the op's dc, but certainly for the time being she should butt out, it is a really big deal for a child and their parents when they start school, dc will pick up on the tension.

I wonder how the op's ex would feel if she took a partner along not to happy I would imagine. I would if possible speak to the school and ask for two appointments then tell ex that you have done this. Not sure what you can do if its an open evening type thing.

Original poster

ToddlersRFab · 17/06/2012 21:00

Thank you all for the comments. I really need to understand about step parents etc.

She had the audacity to send a typed letter to me today about my DS's speech therapy sessions attended alternative weeks by me and ExH. It was a note to say that I had not passed on some information.

Arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Oh but I must remember that she has had a step son (in one of her previous 3 marriages) for 10 years. So as my ExH says.... she has more parental skills and knowledge than me.

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 17/06/2012 21:02

Theres taking an interest and then theres taking the piss.

WorraLiberty · 17/06/2012 21:03

Ok well your last post is a bit of a drip feed to be honest.

silverfrog · 17/06/2012 21:03

OP - if you had a partner, would he be going along with you?

this is a tricky situation, and I can understand the emotions involved, but you have said yourself she is good with your ds. it is a good thing that she is taking an interest, really it is - far preferable to your ds having a stepmother who couldn't give a toss and never wanted him around.

it is just an open night - you don't even have to be near/speak to them. but it will be far better for your ds to be able to chat away about th school, his teachers, and all the new exciting things he is going to do/see/experience with people who will actually know what he is going on about. belive me - it is very hard being a stepmother and trying to take an interest in what your stepchildren are saying about school, without ever having seen the school, met any teachers etc. it makes for very stilted conversations

helenthemadex · 17/06/2012 21:04

I would tell her to shove her typed letter where the sun doesn't shine!!!

She may have some knowledge but not with your son, do not let her, or your twat of a ex undermine you

Original poster

ToddlersRFab · 17/06/2012 21:04

sorry.... don't want to drip feed either.

I am just very upset and pissed off. Feel like running away right now.

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 17/06/2012 21:04

she sounds a pain. I wouldn't deal with her, just with ex and he doesn't sound any great shakes either.

Hope the evening goes well, don't let them spoil it for you - and ds enjoys school. One thing at a time.

IvanaNap · 17/06/2012 21:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/06/2012 21:05

Couldn't she just be going because her husband wants her to and she wants to support him?

Why would she get some kind of sadistic pleasure out of rubbing the OPs face in it? I realise there are some horrible people out there that would, but that's not the first conclusion we should jump to.

Like I already said, I like having dh know what my dc's school is like because it's part of my life and it part of his step children's lives. He is part of our family. There is no part of me that wants him around just to annoy someone else - that would be odd.

usualsuspect · 17/06/2012 21:06

Don't run away , of course you are still raw and allowed to have feelings

Just focus on your DS

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6