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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I contact this tw*t or not?

114 replies

CaseClosed · 17/06/2012 19:31

So I'd known this guy for 13 years, we were good friends, always got on and spoke every week at the very least for that whole time. Our relationship was never sexual, apart from the one night we spent together - when I conceived my DS!

When I told him I was pregnant, he turned into a completely different person. I was shocked to find I was pregnant, but happy too and knew I was going to keep my baby. But he told me to have an abortion, then revealed he already had a daughter (that I'd never known about) and that she's all he wanted, not me or my baby so leave him alone. So we ceased all contact, I've been alone throughout, and my gorgeous funny DS is now 3 months old.

A friend recently found his Facebook profile (he always told me he didn't have it) and showed me it. Do I contact him or leave it?

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 17/06/2012 19:32

Leave it. He's made his feelings perfectly clear.

Why on earth would you contact him?

RandomMess · 17/06/2012 19:32

What do you want to achieve by contacting him?

Proudnscary · 17/06/2012 19:33

Of course don't contact him.

Lovely to hear you have a happy, gorgeous baby son.

WorraLiberty · 17/06/2012 19:33

What would your reason be for contacting him?

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 17/06/2012 19:33

I would contact him. If only for you to be able to tell your ds that you did everything you could. That way he can never Blame you. Chances r he won't care and you can carry on as u r. Congratulations on your ds!!!! :)

StuckintheBellJar · 17/06/2012 19:34

I'd say there is nothing wrong with a quick message but be prepared for him to say something deeply hurtful back.

That way you'll know that you at least tried to establish contact for the sake of your DS.

Otherwise, it sounds like you're probably both better off without him.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 17/06/2012 19:37

I think I'd agree with Wheresmycaffeinedrip.

It must be a horrible dilemma, though. Why do you want to contact him?

Birdsgottafly · 17/06/2012 19:38

Are you in a strong enough frame of mind for the complications that it could bring?

This isn't just about him, you could have family members of him wanting contact with your DS, especially if he is the only boy in the family etc.

His FB page will be there for a while, perhaps wait?

Paiviaso · 17/06/2012 19:40

Why would you?

If you wanted a nice loving man to be the daddy of your baby, you should have had a baby with someone who actually wanted to be with you and have a family.

But you didn't. So why would you want to invite this man, who is clearly not very interested, to bring possible unrest, instability and drama to your child's life?

Original poster

CaseClosed · 17/06/2012 19:42

I'd want to contact him so I know I've done all I could for my sons sake. A part of me hopes it was the shock that made him act that way, and that if he saw my son he'd want to be around for him but perhaps that's the wrong attitude to take?

Then another part of me hates him so much I don't want to encourage any contact between him and my son. I just don't know!

OP posts:

Original poster

CaseClosed · 17/06/2012 19:44

@paiviaso I wish I had, life doesn't always go that way.

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ShullBit · 17/06/2012 19:45

I would leave it. He sounds like a complete arse of which you and DS would be better off without. If he wanted to be in contact with his son, he would take it upon himself to contact you and wouldn't rest until he did.

ReportMeNow · 17/06/2012 19:47

If he suddenly wants access or even joint custody are you going to be ok with that?

Is he paying any maintenance for his ds?

BasilDonna · 17/06/2012 19:49

So, you hope he'll change when he sees his son.
he might.
he might not.
If you contact him, at least you'll know you have not denied your son his father.
I probably would.
And I probably would regret it.

Original poster

CaseClosed · 17/06/2012 19:50

He's made no contribution financially or otherwise, I haven't heard a peep from him since I was 3 weeks pregnant.

I'd encourage a relationship between them if he was interested, but if he suddenly turned up demanding joint 'custody' then no I doubt I'd be happy, but would he be able to do that?

OP posts:

ravenAK · 17/06/2012 19:58

Not via FB! It'll look like you're stalking him, especially if he told you he didn't have it...

If you have his address, you could stick a photo in the post with birth details & a note saying 'I know you don't want to be involved, no need to reply - just letting you know I've had ds, he's called _ & he's doing fine.'

But given that he's clearly a total arse, I'd think long & carefully before doing anything that might trigger him suddenly deciding to play daddy for a bit...

He might've reacted the way he did out of shock, but if so, he's had the best part of a year to get over it & get in contact!

Congratulations on your lovely ds .

PullUpAPew · 17/06/2012 19:59

I would leave it.

Did you put him on the BC?

He can't get joint custody without some track record of involvement, it would have to build up over time.

Graciescotland · 17/06/2012 20:00

I assume he's not on the birth certificate so doesn't have parental rights so couldn't turn up to demand joint residence. You should involve the CSA and get child support though. I think people should be financially responsible for their children.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 17/06/2012 20:02

I think I'm coming round to what ravenAK is saying. You may be protecting your DSs needs better by not inviting contact with his father, if it's unlikely to be consistent.

Original poster

CaseClosed · 17/06/2012 20:03

I have no way of contacting him other than FB - deleted his number, don't have his address, just his name. Is that even enough for CSA to get child support?

I get what you mean about looking like I'm stalking him, but putting someone's name into a facebook search isn't exactly hiding in the bushes outside his house lol!

OP posts:

lovebunny · 17/06/2012 20:03

leave it. if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 17/06/2012 20:03

This is very similar to my story with DD but I'd not known him all that long. It was a weekend fling and when I told him I was pregnant he told me if I had an abortion we could talk about there maybe being an 'us'.

I told him when DD was born. A simple date and name and my contact details type message.

He has always chosen to not be involved but over the past 11 years I have got in touch 5 or 6 times with new email address and the repeated offer of contact.

He knows the ball is in his court.

But more importantly, I am able to look my daughter in the eye and tell her I tried. I gave him every chance to he involved but he never felt ready to be her father. I needed them both to know that the chance would be given should he want it.

You don't have to be emotional. Just tell him he has a son, and he is welcome to get in touch should he feel the need.

But think about what may happen if he does.

Coconutty · 17/06/2012 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

horseygeorgie · 17/06/2012 20:07

I'm in the same situation. My DD is now 10 months and was the result of a drunken trip down memory lane with an old BF. He wanted me to get an abortion and has made it perfectly clear he wants nothing to do with DD. He has a son who is 6 months older than DD, who he started off having a 'proper' relationship with (on birth cert., christening etc, seeing all the time) but has moved away and has had no contact since.
His DS's Mother contacted me not to long ago and we have chatted, amicably, and are planning to have lunch soon. We think it is good if the children do know each other as they are family.
DD's father has never seen her. I sent him a message when i had her to let him know she had arrived and her name but thats it. Oddly enough it wasn't acrimonious at all and maybe one day they will be able to have a relationship.

Maybe do as someone suggested and send him a quick message to say DS is here and is doing ok but leave it at that.

Original poster

CaseClosed · 17/06/2012 20:10

Thankyou so much for that Charlie, and sorry you had to go through it :(

I think, if I contact him and he still wants nothing to do with it, I haven't lost anything. But I HAVE given myself the satisfaction that I've done what I could for my son. Yes it will hurt, but not as much as having to explain to my son when he's older that I didn't do everything possible, surely?

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