Do I contact this tw*t or not?

[CaseClosed]

So I'd known this guy for 13 years, we were good friends, always got on and spoke every week at the very least for that whole time. Our relationship was never sexual, apart from the one night we spent together - when I conceived my DS!

When I told him I was pregnant, he turned into a completely different person. I was shocked to find I was pregnant, but happy too and knew I was going to keep my baby. But he told me to have an abortion, then revealed he already had a daughter (that I'd never known about) and that she's all he wanted, not me or my baby so leave him alone. So we ceased all contact, I've been alone throughout, and my gorgeous funny DS is now 3 months old.

A friend recently found his Facebook profile (he always told me he didn't have it) and showed me it. Do I contact him or leave it?

Well at least you know where you stand in terms of contact. You gave him a chance and he didn't take it. He may come round in the future, who knows?

Sounds like he is married or with a long term partner unfortunately. I expect a private detective could track him down pretty fast and let you know the details.

I am shocked by some of the judgy pants comments on here. Nowt wrong with a one night stand. The dirtier the better imo!
OP sorry to hear that this man is a deadbeat. Don't waste anymore time on him. Enjoy your baby. It is shit though; the attitude of some of these men.

Vindictiveness should never EVER be the motive when a child is caught in the middle of it.

He is simply not worth the bother, if you don't need his money, then just leave it go. I was upset when DD1s sperm doner was not interest. How could he not be interested in his baby FFS, but its out of sight out of mind for some men. My advice to you was not to contact him, but i wouldnt judge you for doing that because despite my advice, i did contact him, i also contacted his parents as i felt they deserved a right to know about htier grandchild. They rejected her too. I am so grateful that i DIDN'T persue it with the CSA and they have no part in my DDs life. So long as your son is surrounded by those who love and care for him, his biological father matters not one jot. The only thing he has inherited from this man is DNA, no more no less.

Do as he says, don't contact him, don't involve the CSA unless you need the money because if you do, that gives him motivation to suddenly pitch up into your sons life later on. This is all well and good but if he remains the irresponsible fuckwit that he is now it may well be he flits in and out of his life and that would be bad for your son.

I actually feel sorry for my DDs father, he never got to see how beautiful his daughter grew up to be and missed out on everything - his choice, his loss. Not ours, we really didn't need him.

So I sent the message yesterday morning, received one today that said 'pls don't contact me again'

I think that you will find that he is married and you were an affair. If you are going to go down the CSA route, which you are entitled to. I would get some RL support around you, as there may be a lot of fall out when other people find out what he has done, but directed at you.

You may find that the mother of his daughter, who i suspect he is still with wants to meet you, or his own family.

Just prepare yourself, in case. Even if it is via attending a Childrens Centre and being signposted to any help that you may need.

I am sure his wife will be absolutely devastated and will most probably want to rip your head off actually. I know this wasn't a situation of your own making and he is the one at fault here but I agree with the first line of doggiemummas last post and if I were you I would just always bear that in mind.

I actually think the instantness of facebook is actually quite damaging too.

I also would be careful

I agree totally that he should be paying maintenance BUT may become nasty if/when CSA contact him

He may then start to see your DC, but not in any positive/healthy/useful way...some men do take 'interest' once they are made to pay...

...and you may find yourself wishing you had left well alone

From a practical point of view, in case he defriends you on fb, can you both save on your computer and print off his Facebook pages, particularly all his friends, plus any photos or other pages that might help. And then look at his friends pages, and print them off/save them too, especially if it looks like they are relatives or close friends so that in years to come, if your ds does want to track down her dad then he has lots of starting points.

I'd also do the same to his linked in profile too if you can.

God what an arse.

I just cannot see how guys can do this. I wonder if they ever think about their offspring?

If you have his full name and birthday they may be able to trace him. Do you know his place of work also?

At least you know you can tell your son you tried. And he can never play the 'she stopped me card' should your son find him when he's older.

I wouldn't assume that he is married.Just a dead-beat dad,there are many like him.I'd say he has probably closed his FB account by now and set up a new one.

You've done what you can,in years to come you can tell your son that you tried,and left your contact details for him.There isn't really much more you can do.Hindsight is a wonderful thing,I think never being introduced to anyone in each others circles over the space of a 13 year 'friendship' was a pretty good warning sign that he is good at keeping the compartments of his life separate from each other.

By all means,give whatever details you have to the CSA...he won't go for access/custody.But I'd wait a while before you do anything else,you are at a very vulnerable stage (new baby,rejection etc).Give yourself time to process how you really feel before you make any knee-jerk moves.

Best of luck with your baby,take this time to enjoy him,rather than wasting it on the man who fathered him.You won't get this stage back,it passes so quickly x

I think you'll find that myself and other posters persuaded CaseClosed to approach the CSA.

There are a few reasons why:

1. He already has a daughter and now a son. He wants nothing to do with his son and probably has nothing to do with his daughter. This man obv thinks he can shag who he likes and walk away from the consequences.
2. The OP may not need the money now, but financial situations change and she might find herself needing some support in the future. In any case, her son would doubtless benefit from a trust fund for university/travel/marriage.
3. If he is made to pay for his son, he might just think twice before having unprotected sex with another woman and walking away from the consequences of that too.

I don't know why CaseClosed has to justify her decision to anyone. She tried to get him interested in his son. She has said she would welcome his contact. He has chosen to have nothing to do with her or his son. She is fully entitled to ask that he support his son however.

I am sorry CaseClosed that you didn't get the answer you were looking for. We are so proud of our children and we want family and friends to share in that pride. Knowing that his father doesn't even want to know his name or what he looks like must be very hard for you.

I hope you find a man who's big enough to fill the shoes of a real father.

I don't see where he walked away from the consequences, as the op did say he offered his support for a termination. It just appears that their views differed and the op wanted to have a child no matter whether in a relationship or not. That's the way it goes sometimes.

Novack are you kidding me with that comment?

And thankyou Rhubarb, have found all your comments very helpful