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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I contact this tw*t or not?

114 replies

CaseClosed · 17/06/2012 19:31

So I'd known this guy for 13 years, we were good friends, always got on and spoke every week at the very least for that whole time. Our relationship was never sexual, apart from the one night we spent together - when I conceived my DS!

When I told him I was pregnant, he turned into a completely different person. I was shocked to find I was pregnant, but happy too and knew I was going to keep my baby. But he told me to have an abortion, then revealed he already had a daughter (that I'd never known about) and that she's all he wanted, not me or my baby so leave him alone. So we ceased all contact, I've been alone throughout, and my gorgeous funny DS is now 3 months old.

A friend recently found his Facebook profile (he always told me he didn't have it) and showed me it. Do I contact him or leave it?

OP posts:

crazybubbasmummy · 18/06/2012 23:42

I had a similar situation and luckily my ds father changed his mind after seeing his beautiful face and is the best daddy I halve ever come across, we even got together and produced another beautiful baby, I'm not saying you have to go that far but he might fall in love when he sees him and be the best thing you done, if not its no lose I'm sure you'll give your child everything you possibly can, hope everything works out fine xx

TheRhubarb · 19/06/2012 12:26

CaseClosed - I really would get in touch with the CSA anyway as you might well need that money in the future. You're ok now but situations change, especially in this uncertain climate and if he is made to pay for his children then he might just get round to using a condom in the future.

He probably isn't married from what you've said, but he has had unprotected sex before which resulted in his daughter. He'd better be careful he doesn't make a habit of doing this! Which is why he needs to step up to his responsibilities, if only financially.

Also, a word of warning - he might get angry that you've tracked down his Facebook account and messaged him, esp when he's made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with the baby. So be prepared for an angry response on his part. That is not a reflection on you though, you have to do what you feel is best by your baby and you have carefully considered this and asked for advice, so it's not like you've leapt in and are demanding he visit.

I would steer clear in future though. Fine if he wants a relationship with your son, but he doesn't sound as though he's either faithful or committed. He clearly isn't in a relationship with his daughter's mother and if he is, he has cheated on her. She may even be in the same boat as you, so keep your distance from now on and find someone who can be both a father and a daddy to your son.

But please, do contact the CSA, if only to make him think twice about shirking future responsibilities.

Mrskbpw · 19/06/2012 16:44

Krumbum and OP, yes you're right, actually. I can see that he needs to take financial responsibility and it was indeed a joint decision to have sex. It just seemed unfair that someone said contact him, ask for money, then cut him off.

But yes, I can see that he needs to pay maintenance, especially as he's got 'form' for doing this. And I definitely didn't mean the OP didn't deserve any money.

In this thread, and in lots of marriage breakup threads I've read, I always find it so depressing that the women always suffer so much more than the men. Basically, these irresponsible men can do what they want, walk away, and their wives or partners or one-night-stands or whatever have to stay calm and measured and be the bigger person, all for the sake of the children. And even if the dad is really involved and shares custody, all that actually means is the mum has less time with her child. I am so impressed by the many strong women on here.

OP I would definitely contact him, but keep it brief and official, if possible.

FioFio · 19/06/2012 16:55

I think he is married too

Original poster

CaseClosed · 19/06/2012 19:37

So I sent the message yesterday morning, received one today that said 'pls don't contact me again'

What I was expecting, but I'm still disgusted and don't understand how anyone could act that way.

@therhubarb you've really made me think, and I agree that contacting CSA will hopefully teach him about responsibilites rather than letting him get off scott free so he feels it's ok to do this to someone else. Considering trying for maintenance and putting it into a saving account for DS. However I don't have contact details, only his name and facebook. What do I need?

OP posts:

NovackNGood · 19/06/2012 19:43

Why now that you have the answer you expected and you knew he woudl give do you feel that your response should be to make him pay?

Original poster

CaseClosed · 19/06/2012 19:44

If you read my response and therhubarb's response you should be able to work out why

OP posts:

Original poster

CaseClosed · 19/06/2012 19:46

Not that I should have to justify wanting him to contribute to the child he helped create.

OP posts:

nilbyname · 19/06/2012 19:47

op that is really shit, but at least you know now. Shame on him.

CSA. Get him, and get him good.

JustFabulous · 19/06/2012 19:50

When it is said "so I can tell my child I did all I could" what are you actually meaning and what do you think the child will say about it all. As it seems to me a catch all reason for when someone doesn't actually want to say what they really want from getting contact.

A child will be fine without a dad. A child will be fine without a mum. Kids are resiliant and know what is real, not what is "the ideal."

This man treated you appallingly and has made his feelings clear. It doesn't sound to me like this man will add to your child's life so leave well alone.

NovackNGood · 19/06/2012 19:54

To quote your earlier post.

I don't want or need his money

Seems you are about to start down a vindictive road and that way often leads to bitterness. In your earlier post you came across as being above that.

If you check my earlier post I said that he gave up the right not to have to pay when he decided to have unprotected sex on a dirty one night stand. So I'm not against him having to pay as such I was just wondering why the change of opinion.

JustFabulous · 19/06/2012 19:56

I really must read all the thread before posting .

You don't want or need his money but I am curious as to why you think you deserve it?

Original poster

CaseClosed · 19/06/2012 19:56

JustFabulous yes he will be just fine, I know this. He's SO loved, and no we don't NEED his father. But that's not to say that having a chance to know your dad, and where you come from isn't important. There could have been a chance his dad had or would have changed his mind and couldn't contact me. I myself couldn't have gone through life wondering.

Bit confused why I'm being asked to defend myself for a) wanting to contact CSA or b) contacting my childs father to let him know he has a baby

OP posts:

nilbyname · 19/06/2012 19:57

novack they were friends for a long time, I hardly think "dirty one night stand" is fair.

Original poster

CaseClosed · 19/06/2012 20:00

'Dirty one night stand' really?! God surprised you can type at the same time as hoiking up your judgey pants.

OP posts:

JustFabulous · 19/06/2012 20:01

I think I can say quite confidently that having an arse for a father usually makes you not bothered about knowing him.

SarahBumBarer · 19/06/2012 20:02

God what an arse albeit a predictable arse. I'd be tempted to at least email back saying "Ok - I'll leave it to the CSA from now on" whatever you decide to do on that score but then I'm vindictive!

FWIW - I think you should pursue the CSA route. YOU may not need the money but your child is entitled to an appropriate contribution to his life (financially if not nothing else) from the person who fathererd him.

CSA are used to having to trace arses. If you want to go down that route just tell them what you have. If you can see his FB does it not give a location at least?

notactuallyme · 19/06/2012 20:02

he should definitely be paying for his son. how ridiculous that anyone thinks otherwise.

rainbowinthesky · 19/06/2012 20:06

Wow, op. That's very sad. His loss of a beautiful child.

NovackNGood · 19/06/2012 20:10

I wrote dirty not seedy.

nilbyname · 19/06/2012 20:12

dirty/seedy, don't split hairs, still a tad nasty

Original poster

CaseClosed · 19/06/2012 20:12

Ohhh right. That's so much better. runs off to have a shower while muttering 'I'm a dirty dirty girl'

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 19/06/2012 20:14

Caseclosed - ignore ridiculous comments about one night stands.

FioFio · 19/06/2012 20:22

the csa are useless

WilsonFrickett · 19/06/2012 20:26

Well, I said upthread CaseClosed, that contacting him was the right thing to do so I'm glad for your DS sake that you did it. And, also furious for your DS sake that you got the response that you did. But at least you tried. Now move on with grace, and focus on your beautiful boy.

Justfabulous I really don't think you can say 'kids are fine without a mum/dad'. I'm sure some are, but I wasn't and actually it was my DM that suffered for it.

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