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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do I contact this tw*t or not?

114 replies

CaseClosed · 17/06/2012 19:31

So I'd known this guy for 13 years, we were good friends, always got on and spoke every week at the very least for that whole time. Our relationship was never sexual, apart from the one night we spent together - when I conceived my DS!

When I told him I was pregnant, he turned into a completely different person. I was shocked to find I was pregnant, but happy too and knew I was going to keep my baby. But he told me to have an abortion, then revealed he already had a daughter (that I'd never known about) and that she's all he wanted, not me or my baby so leave him alone. So we ceased all contact, I've been alone throughout, and my gorgeous funny DS is now 3 months old.

A friend recently found his Facebook profile (he always told me he didn't have it) and showed me it. Do I contact him or leave it?

OP posts:
Original poster
CaseClosed · 17/06/2012 20:12

By it I meant the situation, not my son btw lol!!

OP posts:
StepOutOfSpring · 17/06/2012 20:49

I think you're idealising the situation. Realistically, if he wanted to be in contact, he would have got in touch. I think you would just be stirring up trouble again TBH.

Imisssleepingin · 17/06/2012 20:53

He should pay maintenance by law so I would chase that up.

ReallyWantABaby · 17/06/2012 21:06

I had this situation with dd1. Her father was a holiday fling and didn't want her. When she was born I got in contact by popping a photo in the post with my contact details along with her name, date of birth, etc. About a week later I got an email from his new wife (we'd only split up 6 months earlier!!) saying how beautiful dd was and how she couldn't wait to have his babies. He then emailed to say he was saving up to come over to see her (they live abroad). I have never seen or heard from him since and dd1 is now 12. We are much happier without contact with him but I did think I should give him the chance to get to know her.

TheHouseofMirth · 17/06/2012 21:13

Does he have your contact details?

lifechanger · 17/06/2012 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

threeleftfeet · 17/06/2012 21:44

The most important thing is - like you said - that you do the right thing for your DS.

But it's impossible to know what that is without a crystal ball!

I do think it's too simplistic to say that your twat ex isn't in DS's interests, no one can know that for sure.

A friend of mine was deserted by her BF when she was 8 months pregnant. I won't go into all the details but his behaviour was awful.

They have lots of friends in common so he couldn't disappear completely from her life - (although he did try - by emigrating).

She always did keep in contact and remained civil. It tool about 8 years, but he did eventually grow up and decide he wanted to be a dad.

The DS is an adult now and father and son have a great relationship, they get on brilliantly. Just as importantly, the DS has a lovely relationship with his grandparents now (who didn't even know he existed until he was 6!).

Long term, your ex may grow up, he may not. However in your shoes I would want to contact him to at least let him know he has a new baby now, his son's name and possibly a picture. What he decides to do with that information is out of your control, and it's possible it may take him years to come round, if at all. But at least your DS will be a real person to him. And like you say, you want to be able to say with confidence that you did everything possible.

threeleftfeet · 17/06/2012 21:46

Sorry I meant to say ..

I do think it's too simplistic to say that contacting your ex isn't in DS's interests,

HeadfirstForHalos · 17/06/2012 21:49

I too would contact him so I could truthfully tell my dc I had tried. Hold your head up high and be the better person, but don't expect anything from him.

skybluepearl · 17/06/2012 21:57

I think I would just post a photo of her, birth date, address and name. Nothing more.

doggiemumma · 17/06/2012 22:03

Absolutely LEAVE IT!!!

My DDs father rejected us - and i was angry at the time. The relationship had fizzled though so only really sad for my baby. The thing is, it was better that way - he couldn't let her down because she never met him. She is 22 and has only ever asked about him once (i prepared myself for having to have her meet him) but she didn't persue it and that was when she was about 16. I am so glad he wasn't in her life - not that he was a particularly bad person, just a bit weak i guess. But there was no disappointments, no rows over maintainance. Far better that way.

Why would you want to contact this guy, he behaved terribly - your DS is better without him. Make no contact, he doesn't deserve an update.

EmptyCrispPackets · 17/06/2012 22:07

Was this 'friend' who found him you?

Wink
threeleftfeet · 17/06/2012 22:16

doggiemumma I'm very sorry you have had the misfortne to have been treated like that. And there's every possibility the OP's ex may do the same to her.

But he may not. You just don't know, you can't say what he will do. No one knows!

Incidentally I totally agree the ex doesn't deserve anything! However that's a bit of a red herring IMO.

It's what the DS deserves that's important, and he does deserve a chance to have a relationship with his father, which isn't necessarily impossible.

Krumbum · 17/06/2012 23:56

He owes you maintenance. Contact him to tell him this. Then cut him off, use the csa.

diddl · 18/06/2012 08:57

"If you contact him, at least you'll know you have not denied your son his father."

But she hasn´t denied him, has she?

She´s not hiding-he knows where she & his son are.

doggiemumma · 18/06/2012 09:22

threeleftfeet please don't be sorry for me - it was absolutely the best thing that could have happened. I gave my DD what she needed and deserved, a stable and loving home. She was not in the need for contact from someone who rejected her. I would have happily let him have contact, he didn't want it, so why would i persue it. Why would the OP persue it?

All this "don't deny your child your father" guff is just niave - The father is denying the child a father, believe me, no father is better than a reluctant one - If my Child was bothered she would have asked for contact by now. My parents featured strongly in her life, my dad was her main father figure. I met my now DP when DD was 18months so she has had plenty of male influence in her life thankyou very much. My daughter is 22 now, happy and doing well. Why would she want to be let down by someone repeatedly through her life - i am glad (FOR HER) that he disappeared from our lives. And no bitterness on my part either - it was a fizzling relationship when i got pregnant (failed contraception)

DailyMailSpy · 18/06/2012 09:37

As far as im aware he could try for joint custody. If he's not on the bcert he could go to court and apply for parental responsibility.

He could then apply through the court for more access and then joint custody.

If you want the CSA to take money from him he could claim that he's not the father, the CSA would then take a DNA test to prove, then surely with that proof he could try and get put on the bcert so he'd then have the same rights over your DS as you do.

Sallyingforth · 18/06/2012 09:45

"he told me to have an abortion"

That's all you need to know.

The only contact should be from the CSA.

threeleftfeet · 18/06/2012 10:09

doggiemumma I don't doubt you did what was right for your family. What I'm saying is that just because that was right for you doesn't mean you can say with absolutely certainty that the same is right for the OP.Did you read my post about my friend, above? Her ex came good in the end. I know this might not be typical but it's certainly not impossible!

Mrskbpw · 18/06/2012 10:23

I'm in the contact him camp, but I agree not through facebook. Can you email? Or send him a photo, like others have suggested. You sound very well-balanced and mature about the whole thing, which gives you the upper hand, I think.

But I also want to stick my neck out and say I don't think he should be paying you maintenance. It wasn't a joint decision to have this baby. It was your decision. I don't see why he should pay.

If he was involved in the baby's life, then yes, he should take financial responsibility, but he's not. He sounds like a bit of an arse, to be honest, but he told you how he felt right from the start.

UnimaginitiveDadThemedUsername · 18/06/2012 13:16

If these guys don't want to be fathers to your children then don't contact them.

TheRhubarb · 18/06/2012 13:22

If you contact him via Facebook there is every chance that his current partner or daughter (you didn't say how old his dd was) would see it. Do you want to expose him in this way?

If he has all your contact details but has chosen not to make contact then I fail to see how a Facebook message will change that. He wanted you to have an abortion and has not even called to find out the sex of his baby. He couldn't have made himself any clearer and doesn't deserve to play any part in the life of his son.

I would forget all about this man. Consider contacting the CPS because although you might be financially sound now, there may be a time when you are not so to save all that hassle later, make him pay towards costs now. It's the least he can do. That is the only contact I would make with this man. He's obviously a commitment-phobe and for all you know, he might not have any contact with his daughter either.

Carve out a life for yourself and your son and find someone who truly deserves the title of 'daddy'.

KateSpade · 18/06/2012 13:26

Confused oh my god!

I am/was in the exact situation, with the change of a few numbers, dd is 9mo, & I'd known him for about 4 years.

I'm shocked! But his sister contacted me & threatened to kill me, that's the only bit that's different!

WilsonFrickett · 18/06/2012 13:26

I spent a lot of time being very angry at my DM for not doing something to keep me in contact with my absent father. Now I'm grown up I do see they made a joint decision to have no contact. Can't say I'm particularly happy with either of them about it though. At least if my mother had tried that would only be one parent who'd failed me.

Yes, he sounds like a twat, yes you are both probably better off without him but to grow up fatherless isn't an ideal situation either. I think you owe it to your DS to give it one more try - that way you can always tell him you did try, and that you did want them to have a relationship.

I would have preferred an unreliable father to no father, for what its worth.

Original poster
CaseClosed · 18/06/2012 14:03

Thank you all for responses

So I've decided to send him a message, I'm going to keep it simple and unemotional:

You have a som, his name is ***, he's now 3 months old and doing well. This is my number of you want to get in contact.

I'm not 100 percent sure that he has contact details for me, so this way I know I've done everything I possibly could (not should) for my sons sake.

But I would like to say, I'm response to the person that said he shouldn't have to pay maintenance because it was my decision to have my son, I believe it was a joint decision to have sex when we made him. I just made the solo decision to deal with my responsibilities, he didn't. I don't want or need his money, but find it ridiculous to say we don't deserve it.

OP posts:
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