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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do I contact this tw*t or not?

114 replies

CaseClosed · 17/06/2012 19:31

So I'd known this guy for 13 years, we were good friends, always got on and spoke every week at the very least for that whole time. Our relationship was never sexual, apart from the one night we spent together - when I conceived my DS!

When I told him I was pregnant, he turned into a completely different person. I was shocked to find I was pregnant, but happy too and knew I was going to keep my baby. But he told me to have an abortion, then revealed he already had a daughter (that I'd never known about) and that she's all he wanted, not me or my baby so leave him alone. So we ceased all contact, I've been alone throughout, and my gorgeous funny DS is now 3 months old.

A friend recently found his Facebook profile (he always told me he didn't have it) and showed me it. Do I contact him or leave it?

OP posts:
Original poster
CaseClosed · 18/06/2012 14:03

Son*

OP posts:
TheRhubarb · 18/06/2012 14:09

Good response to Mrskbpw - I'm not sure I would have been that measured. If he really didn't want a baby he would have used protection would he not? A man cannot just demand that a woman has an abortion and then throw a tant when she goes through with it. He's a grown up and has to accept his responsibilities. If he has sex and it's unprotected sex then he has, by default, accepted responsibility for the risks involved.

The OP took her responsibilities seriously. Shame he couldn't be man enough to do the same. But most certainly he should pay towards his son's upkeep.

oooohhhhyes · 18/06/2012 14:13

I think you've done absolutely the right thing. The important thing is your ds, who you can now look in the eye when he's bigger and say you kept the door open for communication. And of course the twat has responsibility for his child, though if you can afford to, it would be far more satisfying to manage without his sodding unwilling crumbs of help :)

helenthemadex · 18/06/2012 14:27

you are doing the right thing letting him know about your son, as others have said its about being able to tell your son in the future that you tried to maintain contact

FWIW I would include an email address, he may feel more comfortable contacting you that way.

Good luck

nilbyname · 18/06/2012 14:40

do not do it It will end badly. He knows you have had his baby, he has not been in touch, he doesn't want to.

MyDogShitsMoney · 18/06/2012 14:45

Awful situation for you op glad you are coping well with your ds but is his father on the birth certificate?

How far away has he moved if you have no idea where he is?

Also if you've been friends for that long how is it possible that you have absolutely no way of contacting him? Do you not know any of his friends/family? Is there not one single person you can think of who has any way of contacting him?

It just seems very odd, he wasn't a one night stand with a stranger he was a long term close friend. Sorry, but i just don't understand.

FB would be my absolute last resort. It just seems tacky imo.

If this guy has genuinely disappeared completely from you and all his other friends/family then he really doesn't want to be a parent. Sad and crappy but true.

Original poster
CaseClosed · 18/06/2012 15:03

@mydog I never knew any of his family, and we never had mutual friends, I'd always just known him. Sounds weird I know but it's how it was, and in hindsight perhaps he made it that way so I didn't find out about his daughter.

He lived quite a way from me, and moved a lot so I couldn't be sure where he's staying now, even if I knew the way I'd never know the address and turning up with baby would not be an option IMO!

@nilby how could it end worse than it is now? If he's definitely not interested we're no worse off than we are now, and I'll be able to tell my son I need everything I could have. I'm not up for predicting the future or playing God with my son's life, I suspect that yes he will not be interested, but I dont know that for sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
CaseClosed · 18/06/2012 15:04

Did everything I could have*

Damn iPad

OP posts:
MyDogShitsMoney · 18/06/2012 15:13

If you don't mind me asking, how did you meet?

Original poster
CaseClosed · 18/06/2012 15:15

On a night out when we were young (and I was way too young to even be in a night club!)

We were always attracted to each other and there was something there, just nothing ever came of it so we were good friends for all that time.

OP posts:
mumofbumblebea · 18/06/2012 15:18

i don't blame you for sending the message at all! at least you know you tried and you can tell your son that (congrats btw:))
sil did this with her sons father. he didn't respond but through that she managed to find his mums profile and contacted her. as a result, even though the father still isn't involved, the grandmother does see her grandson regularly. the father was pissed off about it, but the child is more important.

GrahamTribe · 18/06/2012 15:18

MyDog, you're saying what I was thinking when I read this thread this am. A guy who you've known for 13 years, CaseClosed, but whose address you don't know and who had a daughter you knew nothing about doesn't sound like much of a "friend" to start with. I don't think he's going to be worth the effort, I'm afraid.

And I hope I'm wrong, I'm sorry to say this, but the odd background (his, not yours) makes me wonder if he's married.

Original poster
CaseClosed · 18/06/2012 15:23

@graham I don't think I even know any of my friends addresses lol, I just know where most of them live if that makes sense. But I'm of a generation where everything is texts and Facebook etc.

It's possible he could be married I guess, but we're both still very young and he definitely couldn't have been married when we met.

But yes, clearly not a friend as it turns out. Definitely a tw*t though!

OP posts:
nilbyname · 18/06/2012 15:28

case But if you send him a FB msg, then you will just be waiting for him to respond, waiting and waiting....that would kill me. Maybe you would be no better off than you are now, but IMVO I would not FB him as I would be putting the ball in his court, handing him some power to respond to me and I could not have that.

MyDogShitsMoney · 18/06/2012 15:32

Not being nosey btw, just trying to think of a different angle iyswim.

I feel for you, I really do. I'm an LP myself so I know how hard it is and I know how desperate you can feel to have someone to shoulder at least some of the burden but sadly I just don't think it's going to happen.

The idea of the fairytail ending where he sees his newborn son and is immediately consumed with love is a lovely but unfortunately highly unlikely one.

Hard as is it I think you need to put it out of your mind and get on accept your situation as it is.

I know this is an unpopular opinion but imo it's a risk you accept when you have unprotected sex.

Of course you are both jointly responsible for that but until men start giving birth it will never be equal. The man will always have the option of walking away. Morally reprehensible as that may be it is a fact.

From your reaction I get the impression that having a child is something you wanted at some point anyway and you sound very together so focus on that.

If you want to trace him for your son's sake then do it officially and go down the proper legal channels.

Either way i'm sure you and your son make a lovely family.

NovackNGood · 18/06/2012 15:40

I don't think you have to do anything that involves you having to hide that fact he is the parent of your child so if you want to contact him go ahead. he gave up the right to not having to worry about your child the moment he decided to have sex without protection and ejaculate inside you.

I'm not a fan of facebook but hey if that floats your boat then go ahead. You could always tag him in a photo of your son. That may get his attention and a reaction since that seems to be what you are after.

Oppsididitagain · 18/06/2012 15:42

hes a twat dont bother

Original poster
CaseClosed · 18/06/2012 15:47

'That may get his attention and a reaction since that seems to be what you are after.'

Yeah. You're totally right. I'm not trying to do the right thing for my son. I just want attention.

OP posts:
PissesGlitter · 18/06/2012 16:05

Good luck with it all caseclosed
I think you have done the right thing

Krumbum · 18/06/2012 18:23

Mrskbpw, ofc he owes her maintenance. He chose to have sex with Her
knowing, as we all do, that sex is what causes pregnancy. He took that risk. You cannot just expect someone to have an abortion of they don't want to have a baby, it is part of the womans body so she should always be the one to decide if she wants to go through a medical procedure that carries risks not to mention the mental affect abortion has on some ppl.
If you definately don't want a baby then don't have penetrative sex.
Your view is very damaging to a lot of women who are left in the position of raising children on their own when fathers decide they cannot be arsed. It perpetuates the idea that child rearing is womans responsibility and women are at fault that they become pregnant. Maintenance is the least he can do for the person HE made.

queenofthepirates · 18/06/2012 18:45

Tell us how it goes caseclosed. I'm in a similar situation but have chosen not to contact my DD's father. Wonderful new partner now adores my DD and everyone is happy.

toofattorun · 18/06/2012 19:47

How sad that a man doesn't want to know about the existence of his child. How can you live on the planet knowing that you have a child? He sounds like a right cunt.

Saying that, I would still contact him and let him know. Expect the worst. Then print his vile response out and keep it for when your beautiful baby asks about his pitiful excuse of a father to prove you tried.

BelieveInPink · 18/06/2012 20:20

Good luck.

Nanny0gg · 18/06/2012 20:28

but we're both still very young and he definitely couldn't have been married when we met.

You've known him 13 years...

nimblewomble · 18/06/2012 23:14

Agree with Sallyingforth and nicely said TheRhubarb . I would be contacting the CSA - he knows where you are and could have contacted you at any time if he was bothered. I'm sure he will be in touch with you when the CSA call - might help him focus his attention on his responsibilities.

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