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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be absolutely LIVID with my kids?? Do I expect too much? honesty please

499 replies

Fragmin · 14/06/2012 20:19

So, just started a new job, 13 hour shifts, 3 days a week.

My kids are 12 and 13. Neither are special needs or have any other excuses.

I have to set off for work at 6.30am which means they have to be trusted to get themselves up (well, I wake them but they are free to lounge in bed until later with an alarm on incase they fall asleep.

Request 1 - get up and leave the house for school before 8.20am.

Now, as I don't get home until 8.30pm they kids are free to go to their grandma's house when they get home from school - however they prefer to come straight home.

Request 2 - keep the house reasonably tidy.

And, as a rare treat I told them to take £20 out of the kitty tonight for a takeaway 1, so that they could eat before I got home and 2, to save me cooking.

Request 3 - just pop into the chinese (they walk past it on the way to their favourite take-away) and grab me a portion of noodles and curry I can warm up when I get home.

So - do I ask too much? really? Because

a) DS2 decides he'd stay home from school all day and paint his skateboard. I didn't know until I got home at 8.15pm (finished early).

b) The house was an absolute tip. Sweet wrappers all over the living room floor, cushions thrown all over, pots everwhere - honestly it looked like a bunch of toddlers had been shown in and told to "go crazy". Very nice to walk into after a 13 hour shift.

c) they couldn't even be arsed to wait 5 minutes in the chinese for my tea. Got themselves theirs of course, spent the money I left them then fucked off home leaving me with nothing for my tea.

Maybe it's because I had a particularly hard day at work but I'm so angry I could cry.

OP posts:
NarkedRaspberry · 14/06/2012 23:41

Not melt. Be vunerable.

bogeyface · 14/06/2012 23:42

but they've got an adult's life in every other sense of the word

I am actually laughing at that!

Yes, they are dealing with housing, bills, balancing the books, working, trying to be everything to everyone, keeping adult relationships going with family and friends, trying to keep a marriage going, being a parent,

Are you for real?!

Tidying up after themselves, picking up their mums dinner from the takeaway and going to school. That is an adult life now is it? Shit, I missed the bus for that!

TantrumsAndBalloons · 14/06/2012 23:42

Bogey, but didn't you know all working mothers are evil?

When they should be permanently supervised and catered for up to age 18, how dare any of us try and support our families and expect our teenage DCs to be responsible??

Birdsgottafly · 14/06/2012 23:42

"And Im so glad my DS has grown up to know he can look after himself, he doesn't need to find a wife to do it"

Nor, I am not raising my DD's to be anyone's cleaner.

They don't have an adults life, they have to pitch in how their domestic situation calls for and take on responsibility, which any teen should be capable of.

bogeyface · 14/06/2012 23:44

Oh dammit Tantrum I forgot that!

Sorry. Will apologise and prostrate myself infront of my 10 year old who wanted a job to earn more pocket money. In future I will hang out the washing myself and just transfer my income straight into her bank account.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 14/06/2012 23:45

Exactly birds

Dd and DS have the exact same jobs, no "women's work" here.

Everyone does their part.

We don't always enjoy it, but that's just how it is.
I don't really enjoying going to work every day but obviously it's for the greater good :)

WhiteWidow · 14/06/2012 23:46

MrsRigby are you for real? You're setting yourself and their future partners up for a whole world of pain.

I've just remembered I also had a part time job at 13! So I went to school, cooked, cleaned, went out with friends, watched my brothers, picked up mums prescriptions (without spending her change I might add!) and worked as a glass collector, all at 13. I didn't feel hard done by Hmm I was independent and I loved it.

I earned responsibility, and got rewarded for it.

landofmakebelieve · 14/06/2012 23:46

If they're expected to fend for themselves from 6am until 8,30pm, do chores, do tea, and be responsible for themselves for the entire morning, day and night (no, teachers aren't substitute parents while they're at school) then they ARE living the life of an adult in the sense they are being completely in charge of themselves.
There's no parent around whatsoever at any point of the morning, day, teatime, early evening and into late evening.
Until teatime you'd have a point, but that early and late by themselves is ridiculous.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 14/06/2012 23:46

:) bogey

you make a 10 yo hang out the washing

dont you think that's too adult

cory · 14/06/2012 23:49

ComposHat Thu 14-Jun-12 23:34:07
"I notice all the smug 'this is crap/non-existent parenting' have no useful suggestions about managing a situation like this, other than to suggest it shouldn't happen

There is a solution, the children go to their Granny's house and are collected by their mother on her way home. It seems her mum is happy to have them. "

Yes, and the only reason the OP isn't going for this is that her children have chosen the other solution. She says so in her OP: "they kids are free to go to their grandma's house when they get home from school - however they prefer to come straight home"

Those poor neglected children who must feel they don't have a parent have actually made the choice themselves to come home to the empty house rather than be looked after by a trustworthy adult. And with that choice, I would say, goes the responsibility to stick to their part of the deal.

My 12yo gets a fair amount of freedom these days. But he is totally clear over what that freedom entails. It means not messing up- or we go back to treating you like a baby.

landofmakebelieve · 14/06/2012 23:50

Tidying up after themselves, picking up their mums dinner from the takeaway and going to school. That is an adult life now is it? Shit, I missed the bus for that!

Er, no - all kids can tidy up after themselves, and get themselves sorted. Nowhere have I said differently!
I do think just leaving them from 6 in the morning until 8.30pm is too long, though. What part of that is hard to grasp?! They're still children at the end of the day, NOT adults however much you may wish they were!

ComposHat · 14/06/2012 23:50

Of course they aren't living the lives of an adult and it is daft to claim they are.

But are these expectations and the time spent unsupervised appropriate for kids of this age?

I'd say no.

NarkedRaspberry · 14/06/2012 23:51

You don't know where they are. You don't know who's in your house. You don't know what they're doing.

ivykaty44 · 14/06/2012 23:52

why do you have to be an adult to be left along for a while each week?

cory · 14/06/2012 23:52

I'd say it is appropriate provided there is an alternative- as indeed there is in the present case. They know where grandma lives, she is happy to have them.

Just like my ds gets given the choice whether to come out with us to the stately home on a Sunday or stay behind- and not wreck the place.

NarkedRaspberry · 14/06/2012 23:56

They're at a vunerable age. I'd argue they're more at risk than a 9/10 year old being left alone - obviously I'm not advocating that. Alcohol, drugs, sex, petty crime, getting involved in stuff they think they can handle.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 14/06/2012 23:56

I expect a lot more than what the op does from my 13&14 DCs.

I expect them to do more than pick up a takeaway and keep the house tidy.

I expect them to be more mature than some of the people on this thread gasping in horror at teenage DCs being left at home whilst their parent works 3 days a week.

And they are not feral or neglected or living an adult life.

But no one wants to hear that some one actually does this and their DCs are amazing.

They want to hear they dragged themselves up, in their poor neglected state, went feral, got into drink/drugs/sex just because I go to work.

How many people gasping in horror have a full time job and teenage DCs?

msrantsalot · 14/06/2012 23:56

I am a childminder. My licence covers me for 6 children under the age of 12. That (kind of) implies that by the age of 12 they should be capable of looking after themselves.

YANBU

but if you know that they are not going to do it, then tell them its grandmas or else you will impose sanctions...eg confiscating skateboard or sky card or whatever else will make them sit up and take notice...

ComposHat · 14/06/2012 23:58

Yes, and the only reason the OP isn't going for this is that her children have chosen the other solution. She says so in her OP: "they kids are free to go to their grandma's house when they get home from school - however they prefer to come straight home"

Of course at 13 I would have chosen to do the same - who wouldn't? An evening with a responsible adult nagging me to do my homework, making me eat vegetables or dicking around on my own, no contest really.

I would have also chosen to mooch off school and paint my skateboard instead.

I wouldn't have done a stroke of homework

Given the choice at age 13 I would have also chosen to have eaten oven chips for every meal, washed down with White Lightning cider.

Would I have enjoyed it - fuck yeah! Would it have been in my best interests to do it - absolutetly not.

It requires a responsible parent to act in their best interests and tell them where they will be going and what they will be doing after school.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 15/06/2012 00:01

So is it irresponsible to say, you come home, text me when you get in do xyz jobs, do your homework.

Do you have to be actually standing over them?

And not all DCs would eat oven chips washed down with cider every night if they have been raised properly to understand responsibility and maturity.

My DCs cook a meal from scratch each once a week.

Whatnamethistime · 15/06/2012 00:02

*3 days a week?! Oh no! They might MELT!!!!!!!

FFS*

Absolutely PMPL Bogeyface

NarkedRaspberry · 15/06/2012 00:02

I went to a lovely school. I knew one girl who was a latchkey child. She got straight As/A*s, has an Oxbridge degree and a good career. She also lost her virginity at 12 - compared to the average for our group of friends of 16. Her 'boyfriends' were usually at least 4/5 years older. No-one knew where she was. That was pre internet. Unsupervised children are vunerable.

msrantsalot · 15/06/2012 00:02

whatever did happen to elenor rigsby???

TantrumsAndBalloons · 15/06/2012 00:03

They also do their homework ready for me to check when I get home.

They feed and walk the dog.
Sort out their school bags and kit.

Oh the horror.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 15/06/2012 00:07

And the fact you are implying that because my dd comes home to an empty house means she will be sexually active with older men is quite frankly disgusting and offensive.

Would you like me to generalise the other way?
Parents who refuse to give their DCs responsibility and freedom run the risk of their DCs rebellling and go out as soon as they can get away, drinking, taking drugs and having sex with random strangers.

See, that's not always true either is it?