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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think that women should not have to be discreet when breastfeeding?

633 replies

lalaland3008 · 13/06/2012 18:57

I'm not saying that anyone should purposely flop both boobs out into someones dinner. But it makes me really mad that some people think women should have to be discreet when feeding their baby, sit in a corner or breastfeeding 'booth'.

I also think a breast is just not comparable to a penis to a vagina and if people are offended because they see breasts as purely sexual then that is their own problem.

Noone would object to me sitting in public drinking my coffee or feeding my baby a bottle of cows milk yet people find breastmilk offensive.

I'm not bitty mad I lasted 2 weeks breastfeeding but it still makes my blood boil that it is seen as controversial by many.

AIBU?

OP posts:
metalelephant · 21/06/2012 21:03

But, whitewidow, nobody just walks around with their breasts out do they? They have a baby feeding from one, and it takes effort to do that while walking around, so there's usually some sitting involved.

I appreciate it's tough having a number of breastfeeding friendly women here telling you to mind your own business so I don't mean to sound rude or upset you. But it drives me positively potty to think that feeding my baby the way nature intended can shock anybody. Especially a fellow woman, one who had breasts herself. Who may even have been breastfed as a baby or has breastfed a baby herself.

Sometimes, when breastfeeding outside I try to find a less public space but that's because my 8 month old wants to smile at positively everybody and that doesn't really help! Today I had to feed her on a train, and I would have been really upset to see anybody frown or be offended.

metalelephant · 21/06/2012 21:08

Also, when babies are tiny and mothers are still learning how to do it, it can be tough to be discreet, with a baby not latching and you having to keep repositioning them... Plus it can go on for long so it's an awkward and stressful experience especially if there's crying and fussing involved.

Being accused of being indiscreet or just the fear of that can really put a woman off and it's a great, great shame. We should encourage breastfeeding, not perpetuate feelings of shame and lack of decorum when it comes to our babies and their food.

YouBrokeMySmoulder · 21/06/2012 21:57

pmsl at 'Not all women do it properly with dignity and maybe a little bit of grace'

Women of Mumsnet. You must look like the Virgin Mary at all times whilst nursing with a look of lovingness and piety or you're not doing it properly and people will be forced to turn away from your cursed crone-like aspect.

WhiteWidow · 21/06/2012 22:06

Oh piss off, see yet again the patronising attitude. That isnt it at all. I'm hardly the dignified woman of the century, but some over the top breast feeders lack any at all. They treat their boobs like pieces of meat on a chopping board.

yellowraincoat · 21/06/2012 22:08

That must REALLY hurt WhiteWidow.

WhiteWidow · 21/06/2012 22:14

Not so much chopping, more the action of chucking meat about

TandB · 21/06/2012 22:14

"They treat their boobs like pieces of meat on a chopping board."

ouch ouch OUCH! That is a truly horrible image.

Or perhaps I am just senstive as DS2 keeps digging his grabby little hands into my boobs and twisting.

Can I just say that dignity and grace are barely on speaking terms with me and my boobs. We occasionally deign to nod coldly at one another, but generally we just maintain a frosty silence. Wrestling, teeth-gnashing and swearing, however, are my bosom buddies (pun intended).

WhiteWidow · 21/06/2012 22:15

Sorry for causing mental pain ha, it's just the only way I could describe it.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 21/06/2012 22:17

Sometimes people have to give them a squeeze to get the milk going in the early days.

The thing is you might have an image of breastfeeding which is different to the reality like a lot of things are.

My friend had to knead hers a bit at the start but really it wasn't that bad.

Do you have any close friends or family that breastfeed as you do get used to it if so?

WhiteWidow · 21/06/2012 22:23

No I'm sorry but seriously, I'm not talking about women trying hard to get milk out, manipulating their boob etc. I haven't got a distorted image. I'm talking exactly what I said.

My auntie used to breast feed, now she was another one who didn't mind getting it out anywhere but it wasn't like the women I've seen.

Maybe it's just the shitty area I live in that's full of women who not only drag their kids up but give me this bloody horrible image of 'over the too' breastfeeding.

IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt · 21/06/2012 22:39

I liked that facebook group called "If breastfeeding offends you put a blanket over YOUR head", I think it summed it all up quite nicely.

I used to feed in public, but I did always use a blanket, but that was because DH was a bit funny about other people seeing me (but he is a very private introverted person and his family all bottle feed so it was a new thing to him). He didn't ever "tell me off" for not using one but I could just tell he wasn't comfortable so I did it to respect his personal boundaries.

I think that next baby he will probably be more relaxed about it all because he's had me ranting about it for 2 1/2 years!.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 21/06/2012 22:43

Thats a shame whitewidow I would really hope the situation you are describing is rare?

jillandjack · 22/06/2012 02:59

When we lived in the Uk, I breastfed my DS discreetly in public and never felt that there was a problem. People weren't bothered at all; if they noticed, they were very supportive.

Now I'm breastfeeding DD here in NZ, I've noticed that it does bother some people and was told in one restaurant to feed in the loo (which I refused).

There is a strong anti- bottle feeding attitude here, too.

So I definitely prefer the attitudes I encountered in the uk.

Outnumbered4to1 · 22/06/2012 03:08

WhiteWidow you say the woman bfing 'couldn't be arsed'. I don't quite understand what that looked like but lets just imagine she had had a very bad day, possibly a bad night too. Maybe she really couldn't be arsed but still she was doing her best.

Try not to be so judgmental. It's so easy to make assumptions about people but maybe she was tired, sad, depressed, any number of things. You could well have made her day just a little but worse.

Maybe some compassion rather than being judgmental might have been in order?

tiktok · 22/06/2012 07:17

I don't think people are 'vilifying' you because they disagree with you, whatme.

Here's a tip: read what people are actually writing. I think you'll find you are being criticised for pretending an expertise you don't have, and using that as a basis for your views.

I mean, it would be good if you could acknowledge some of the things you have got plain wrong. I won't list them (it would be embarrassing for you, and despite everything, I think you must have some sensitivity somewhere), but I can't resist the one about manufacturers basing bottle teat design on animal nipples, because they function better than human nipples which apparently don't function very well. Straight from the Krazy School of Krazy Product Ideas (prop: whatmeworry).

WhiteWidow · 22/06/2012 07:30

Outnumbered I'm leaving this thread because like I've already said, each time I explain what I mean and I've seen, one of you come back with trying to say I've seen it wrong. It's like you can't accept the fact I have seen breast feeding, shock horror, done in a bad way.
This wasn't a weary woman. This wasn't a woman tryin hard to bread feed her baby. Full stop.

tiktok · 22/06/2012 07:37

Whitewidow, no one but you knows for sure what you have seen, you are right.

But it doesn't matter a jot.

Let's say everything that happened , happened, on that occasion, just as you saw it.

I don't understand why that would colour your whole view on whether mothers should be expected to bf in a certain 'accepted' way all the time.

StealthPolarBear · 22/06/2012 07:44

Some of you on this thread must think all mums are positively angelic. And are the personification of the word 'motherly' when breast feeding their children. Well I can honestly say they aren't.

No of course I don't. I'm one of them and I'm far from angelic. WTF has that got to do with anything?

astreetcarnamedknackered · 22/06/2012 08:06

The way this discussion is going demonstrates, to my mind, how frustrating it can be for bf mothers to know that they risk being silently or openly judged for feeding their children in public.

After all, if you are being judged for 'failing to be discreet' you are effectively being judged for bf per se.

It is frankly typical and disingenuous for someone to come on here and start spouting 'well I bf'd my kids but...' or the like and then proceed to launch into other mothers for failing to meet their exacting standards. It reminds me of high misogyny written by women with the intention of their vaginas validating their views.

For those who are still banging their drum listen to what tiktok and other very wise and supportive posters on this site are saying.

Socknickingpixie · 22/06/2012 08:36

I still don't get the problem sorry ladys I have namechanged due to paranoia but have been on this thread allready -think bad spelling apparently millitant pro breastfeeder who sometimes goes to nch groups lol
perhaps it's my nieveity it now seams to be lots of ladys in a certain area feed in a way that is agressive in the true sense of the word violently or hostile or in a abusive manor these same ladys drag there children by the arm down the street whilst yelling at them

surely that's not a breast feeding issue that's a parenting issue? Well that would be if I could grasp exactly how a person would feed violently as perhaps in my sheltered life I can only figure out how that could be done with a bottle

EasilyBored · 22/06/2012 08:59

Some of the views expressed on this thread are leaving me totally baffled (and cross). I BFed DS until about 12 weeks. I stopped for a few reasons, one of them was that he was a tricky feeder; threw himself around, hit me, pulled at me, popped on and off all the time and, every time without fail, threw up about 5 seconds after being fed. Feeding him in public was a nightmare because I had to wrestle him on to the boob, wrestle to keep him there, and when he was finished I had to get him sat up, with a muslin under his chin, pointed away from everyone (so as to avoid the projectile-vomit-on-your-lap incidents) and burp him. All in about 5 seconds. Oh, and I had to put my breast back in my bra. A lot of times, this last bit kind of had to be forgotten because he was puking and I was trying to avoid getting covered in it. Some of the looks I got when doing this made me feel like I must have inadvertently taken a shit on someone's dinner plate when I wasn't paying attention.

Now I admit, not everyone has a pukey baby, so those problems don't occur with every feed. But still. How was I meant to do that discreetly? The pp saying that she managed to do it and she has DD boobs, so there, can, IMO, piss off. I take your DDs and raise you a 32HH. If you can breast feed a wriggling, fussy baby discreetly when your boobs are nearly as big as your head, then you get a medal. And a cookie.

And why do you want women to try and be discreet? Think about it. You want them to be discreet because of what? You feel that breastfeeding is a private thing? Why? What is it about it that bothers you so much that you want it to be done in private or discreetly, so that you don't have to see what? An infant feeding? Can't be that, because no one is made to bottle feed in private. So it must be the breast that is offensive. Why do you find it offensive? They aren't gross looking (aside from the BFing veinyness), they aren't disgusting or stomach turning. So it must be the sex thing, then? So you want women to be discreet about breastfeeding because you are unable to differentiate between breasts as sexy play things, and breasts as a source of food for babies. And the whole 'BF nazis are the first to tell other women to cover up when they aren't using breasts for feeding' is stupid. Because, again, it's you who can't differentiate between the two circumstance, and can't see how one can be appropriate and the other not so much.

And another thing. All this talk of being discreet, and doing things gracefully with a bit of dignity. HA! Maybe it's because my baby is still only 6 months (nearly), but what the everloving fuck about motherhood is dignified? Is it the nappies, or the knowledge that you will have at least a tiny splash of sick/mashed banana/crumbled rice cake stuck to your top/jeans/in your hair at all times? Was it the whole team of Drs, nurses and midwives that saw you screaming at your husband when you were in labour, and then had a good look/rummage when you were up in stirrups (oh, fun memories)? Or is it even the horrendous levels of judgement from other women that you didn't even know existed: The other mothers who are so spitefull and judgey and snooty because you breastfeed/use a bottle/use a dummy/use disposable nappies/use reins etc etc etc (to infinity)? Because none of that is dignified, or done gracefully. So piss off with your breastfeeding should be done with dignity and self respect. Because judging other mothers who are just trying to do what we all are trying to do; raise our babies the best way we know how, is not fucking graceful or dignified.

End of essay. If you read it all, you can also have a cookie.

StealthPolarBear · 22/06/2012 09:13

Excellent post and description of why bf cant always be done "properly, with dignity" - still very angry at taht Tbh.
Sorry you stopped before you wante to :(

I'm guessing you won't get many responses to your questions about what exactly is offensive though!

Can I have my cookie please? Virtual ones are calorie free, aren't they?

EasilyBored · 22/06/2012 09:15

hands PolarBear virtual cookie Biscuit

EasilyBored · 22/06/2012 09:17

I didn't exactly stop before I wanted to, there were a bunch of other reasons too - but I do wonder if I had been more comfortable doing it in public maybe I wouldn't have dreaded having to go out with him, and everything else would have have seemed like less of an issue, iyswim? At the end of the say though, he's triving and we're both happier now, so I don't let myself dwell on it.

EasilyBored · 22/06/2012 09:19

*thriving, not triving. I don't know what triving is, but he's probably not doing it.