to hate my husband's new found faith?!

[Tilly80]

I've been married for 8 years and my husband had never shown an interest in religion. When our DD (now 4) was only one and half my DH suddenly found Christianity. He said he'd had visions in his dreams and that God spoke to him! At first I was supportive and went along to his baptism. I found it strange but it didn't affect us as a couple/family.

A few months after his baptism he started going to a Russian Orthodox church every Sunday. When I told him I found it hard coping for about 5 hours on a Sunday alone with DD and a dog to walk we had a huge row and he said he'd sacrificed enough for this family and he needed his own time. (When do I get my own time?!)

We had awful rows for quite a while and I felt completely trapped as, working part-time, I can't afford to support myself and DD. I've put up with this for 2 years now. He now takes our DD every Sunday too, which gives me a break, but I don't like her being influenced by it all. It's all so intense (I went once and it's not like a 'normal' church if that makes any sense!) He was also desperate to have our DD baptised at this church (and himself again!) and although I didn't want her to be, I had to agree to save the rows.

Every night he reads faith books (before, we used to watch TV together). I feel sick inside when he reads them as I feel like he's getting brainwashed. I know that sounds extreme but I find it all so weird! This has come out of the blue and it seems to dominate his life. I dread Sundays and I hate him and DD going to this church. My DH wants nothing more than for me to join them, but it's not my thing at all. I'm worried this is now my life - feeling sick to the stomache with his religion.

If anyone can give some advice or has experience with something like this I'd love to hear from you!

I don't have any advice, but yanbu cos that sounds like a total nightmare to me.

Sorry, that sounded really glib! Dd pressed send before I could finish. How upsetting for you.

Would he go to relate with you?

I would feel the same in your shoes.

Have you posted about this before? I remember reading a post which was very similar. If you are the same poster, then I'm sorry to hear that things haven't gotten any better.

My truthful feeling is that there is no future in a relationship where you are so fundamentally different. He doesn't sound like a particularly nice man if he is shouting at you because you don't want to be alone on the weekend and is pressurising you into having a baptism for your dd that you didn't want.

I feel that he has changed the terms of your marriage on you, without you also wanting that change and I honestly believe you would be better off not being together any more.

I know you are worried about money, but you can't remain married to a man for the rest of your life, because you feel trapped financially.

Can you use this time to increase your hours or find a ft job? Then at least you will have freedom to leave if that's your choice. Remember too that he will have to pay maintenance.

Sounds like he's mentally ill :(

And not like a fun person to be with :(

But seriously sounds like he's had some kind of breakdown (if it was gambling/drink/Internet) I would say the same.

Think you need to get some counselling - and reassess how you feel about remaining married :(

You need to talk to him and find a compromise which works for you both (as well as possible)

To expect him to sacrifice his faith for you is as unreasonable as him expecting you to want to be part of the faith.

Can you set aside 2 evenings a week where you do something together (not just watching TV) and perhaps one Sunday a month he doesn't go to church and you have a family day out?

I don't think you're over reacting in the slightest. It is possible your dp is mentally ill.

Overreacting Cassettetapeandpencil ? I would find it incredibly hard to cope if my partner completely changed his belief system. Surely one of the fundamental parts of a person is what they believe? Sure, some can live in a relationship where both partners believe different things but I know that I couldn't.

OP, I don't have any direct experience but my partner's dad went crazy religious after his divorce. Think washing feet on the street religious. Was there any trigger for this sudden conversion?

I feel bad for you, it must be so hard.

Cassette I really disagree that OP is over-reacting. If you are not religious then having your young child exposed regulary to a belief system you find wrong and oppressive is a big deal. I realise the DH is a co-parent so it's not black and white, but I think this is a serious issue.

OP this may not be helpful but I could not live with somebody with such strong religious as I find them morally wrong . It is your DH's business - except it's not, because it's taking over your life too and your DD's. Sorry but I think I would be filing for divorce. I don't think this is something counselling can cure.

strong religious views

He does sound mentally unstable.

I'll be honest with you and say that if I were you i'd be seeking divorce. I have friends who's parents were indoctrinated in to a cult and it ruined their childhood, their parents split up and their mother eventually committed suicide after years of mental illness. This kind of craziness is NOT a good environment to bring children up in.

YANBU.

I used to belong to a religion that caused a lot of problems between families when one person converted and the other didnt.

The religion always staunchly stated that it was the 'unbelieving' partner that was being unreasonable and causing problems for the believer. But in retrospect (having left the religion 10 years ago) I can see clearly that life was made intolerable for the non believer, and religion made the person rigid and unyeilding. God came first. It WAS brainwashing. I was brainwashed. It took me 30 years and untold anguish to get it out of my system.

I feel genuine pity for you.

cassettetapeandpencil It seems like a mental illness because like the OP said it has come out of the blue, he had no religious beliefs before and suddenly God is talking to him? To me, that is a pretty big indicator of mental illness.

Like I said, exactly like my partner's dad and that man is completely loopy (I say this as a fellow mental illness sufferer.)

why is someone mentally sustable just because they find religion?

It is all very well telling the op to divorce him but that is not going to solve the problem as to whether or not their child is bapised and goes to this church.

The point is that maybe the OP doesn't WANT to compromise.

I sure as hell wouldn't.

He referred to going to church as time for himself - is that not a bit odd? A friend of mine's 'D'H discovered church out of the blue (not an extreme one) and needed to go every Sunday, and to choir on a weekday evening, simultaneously with starting an affair. The church wasn't a lie to cover an affair, as he really was going to church and choir, he was just having one big over all self indulgent mid life crisis which encompassed both types of "time for himself"!

I'd bet the OP has talked to him Cassette but it has descended into rows. Not everyone religious is unwilling to have their belief questioned of course, but I know that when I was a teen if I ever expressed anything but unthinking acceptance of my parents' religion my dad (who enjoyed debating on all sorts of other subjects) would just snap "Don't talk about what you don't understand" and brook no argument. We had huge arguments about my wish to make my own decisions on church attendance and my decision that even if I had to go to church with them I would not take communion when I was a teen - and my parents are only run of the mill C of E! (My mum is still waiting for me to get over my "little rebellion" and agree that ooops, yes, I really believed what they do all along, 20+ years on)

YADNBU IMO. Relate does sound a good idea to have a "safe" and structured discussion of the issue without it descending into a row. Does this poison all your interaction with your husband or only Sundays? Do you no longer do things together when he isn't at church or reading his books?

Then she is being unreasonable if she isn't willing to compromise. Why should he give up what he enjoys any more than she should?

Yanbu.
I don't think you're overreacting at all. I think this degree of difference in belief systems makes a relationship unworkable.

Like revoltingpeasant, I'd be filing for divorce.

It's not like he's taken up tennis, is it?

He's completely changed his fundamental attitude to life and I don't see how many people could live with that. One thing if he'd taken up a wishy-washy 1 hour on a Sunday type of religion, but he's really gone all out.

What causes someone to suddenly become religious, has he had any trauma recently that would mean he feels out of his own control? Yanbu, your daughter should not have her head messed with on his whim. Take her out of the house before he even gets up a Sunday, show him that this is important to you. He's suddenly decided to change into a different person that is not the person you fell in love with. I would be very angry. If you do want to leave him as you said, you would be entitled to benefits as a single working mum.
I would not want my child brought up being sexist and homophobic which is part of Christianity, did he have views like this before? Or is it all new?