to hate my husband's new found faith?!

[Tilly80]

I've been married for 8 years and my husband had never shown an interest in religion. When our DD (now 4) was only one and half my DH suddenly found Christianity. He said he'd had visions in his dreams and that God spoke to him! At first I was supportive and went along to his baptism. I found it strange but it didn't affect us as a couple/family.

A few months after his baptism he started going to a Russian Orthodox church every Sunday. When I told him I found it hard coping for about 5 hours on a Sunday alone with DD and a dog to walk we had a huge row and he said he'd sacrificed enough for this family and he needed his own time. (When do I get my own time?!)

We had awful rows for quite a while and I felt completely trapped as, working part-time, I can't afford to support myself and DD. I've put up with this for 2 years now. He now takes our DD every Sunday too, which gives me a break, but I don't like her being influenced by it all. It's all so intense (I went once and it's not like a 'normal' church if that makes any sense!) He was also desperate to have our DD baptised at this church (and himself again!) and although I didn't want her to be, I had to agree to save the rows.

Every night he reads faith books (before, we used to watch TV together). I feel sick inside when he reads them as I feel like he's getting brainwashed. I know that sounds extreme but I find it all so weird! This has come out of the blue and it seems to dominate his life. I dread Sundays and I hate him and DD going to this church. My DH wants nothing more than for me to join them, but it's not my thing at all. I'm worried this is now my life - feeling sick to the stomache with his religion.

If anyone can give some advice or has experience with something like this I'd love to hear from you!

In addition to the excellent posts by northern lurker and ladyharriette, the other bit that disturbs me about the OPs DH is the fact that he chose Russian Orthodox as his obsession. If that was a part of his culture and heritage then it's understandable, but to pick it just cos he fancies it makes me wonder does he like the ritualism/symbolism, and is searching for something - or avoiding something. I'd also imagine his fellow congregation think he's a bit of an oddball - full and profound conversions are very rare in people without any cultural reference to traditional religion. I'd be inclined to speak to his priest privately and see what he makes of it.

SGB has a very good point as they bible is rather full of mysogony including a woman being only worth half the shekels of a man.

Mary hardly figures in the bible and no where is she portrayed as a strong woman.

Ever wondered why the christians expect you to wonder at the marvel of creation then they fail to grasp that surely if it was a miracle it did not need a creator.

Holidays: an institution which is still refusing to allow women to take positions in senior management just because they don't have penises is inherently woman-hating. And if you think that a voiceless virgin is a 'powerful' role model then maybe you are the one whos mind needs to open up a bit. One of the main driving forces behind all the abrahamic superstitions is keeping women under male ownership and control, so I would certainly bin a man who started taking any of that rubbish seriously.

If this is true catholicdad.Then why are the church against having female clergy? Why do they not support gay marriage? Why does the bible talk about raping women as a punishment for her husband? And all the other women hating crap thats in there?

why is someone mentally sustable just because they find religion?

It's not finding religion, it's having 'God' talk to him.

Would he be prepared to read any Christopher Hitchens?

Many (most?) Churches are misoygnistic. Christianity isn't. There's nothing in my faith which is incompatible with my feminist beliefs. The way others practice that faith, on an individual or organisational level, very often is in conflict.
For example - SGB - do you believe all Christians support a pro-life position?

Tilly, how awful for you.

I'd just like to say though that the Russian Orthodox church is not some strange church, it's the equivalent of the CofE in Russia!

As someone else said, those brought up in the Orthodox church are a) not usually fanatical and don't go for all five hours, you can pop in for 10 min and pop out b) not reading religious books every evening. My husband is a church-goer but is much more relaxed about it, we often take Sundays do to family things and not attend church, he goes when he can get an hour or two perhaps once a month.

Your husband does seem to be rather fanatical about it, perhaps this is because he's a recent convert, but I also wonder why he is so fanatical about it. And, it's putting him on a collision course with you and happy family life.

I don't find him going to church odd, but the quantity of it and the reading all evening, this is a massive change and not the integrating of religion into his life, religion has become his life. I bet 99% of the church-goers in his church don't do this.

I don't mind being in a mixed faith relationship precisely because my husband doesn't try to persuade me to do anything, and prioritises our family, equally I am then happy to accommodate his beliefs by attending church every now and again and having open discussions about faith in our family. I could not cope with what you are describing OP, I really couldn't.

If God is talking to him in dreams I'd be having him sectioned. It sounds as though he's had some sort of breakdown.

Sorry you are having to go through this, it sounds awful. I do think you have to seriously consider if you want to stay with him though, and that's not an offhand remark.

I don't think his behaviour sounds entirely normal.

Most people I know who are fairly religious are pretty quiet about it and don't let it disrupt family life to a meaningful extent. DH works at home and often goes to the mosque at lunchtime and may also pop to the mosque for 30 mins in the evening after the children are in bed for example. DH sometimes listens to Qu'ran readings on the tv if he is on his own but spends more time watching Arabic comedies and buying tat on ebay. My parents went to church every day for decades but it didn't disrupt family life - if they couldn't go because we were busy or were on holiday they just didn't go and that was the end of it. If we had a commitment on a Sunday they went to mass on Saturday night.

The religion fitted around their life rather than their whole life fitting around the religion.

Whilst they may believe that God is guiding them I don't think any of them ever had a direct message from God in a dream.

He definitely sounds like he is having mental health issues. A sudden fixation on religion, God speaking to him directly - that's not normal stuff.

The Russian Orthodox church (the one in question here) does not allow women priests from what I can gather online. Not all Christians are sexist, but I do think the bible is and also churches that do not ordain women clergy.

OP, is there any way to compromise?

I don't think that a sudden passion for something is a mental health issue. Recent converts of anything tend to be much more passionate and self-involved with the new behaviour than lifers.

Just to continue to attempt to drag this thread off target, you can't 'have someone sectioned'.

You both need to try and de escalate this conflict. Does he have roots in this church? What do his parents think of his new interest?

I can confirm that Greek orthodox services usually start about 9.30 & finish around 12.30-1. I go with dds some weeks (not every week) for about an hour or so as they love playing with the other children! I could stay less time if I wanted but they wouldn't be happy if they didn't have a 'good' play! Lots of people pop in & out of the service & it's not frowned upon at all.
Dh hardly ever comes with us, but I don't let it affect family life.

I just spent ages writing back to you all and, as I'm new to all this, it seems to have disappeared! Just want to check this message gets posted before I re-write it all again!

Well, seems to have worked this time. I honestly just wrote a huge message with answers to your questions etc - took me forever and I can't see where it's gone! But thank you for all your advice and feedback - most of you seem to sympathise with me which makes me feel better to an extent.

Novack - have you even noticed the believers who've said, quite literally, that having religion is no excuse for behaving like a prat?

DH had 3 dreams that he's told me about - all where God spoke to him. When he told me about them, he cried.
I have tried to compromise ont eh church-going (suggested every other week) but he won't do that and thinks I'm being unfair.
He comes from a Christian family but until the dreams he didn't ever go to church or read or talk about Christianity. This is literally new to me and him!
My friend, who's a therapist, has also suggested mental illness. this is how I'm seeing it at the moment.
I spoke to a solicitor last year about if we split would he be able to take DD to church. She said yes, courts favour a religion and they would side with him baptising her if I caused an issue over it.
I have had numerous discussions with DH about how hard I find all this, and with his parents. Because they think they are 'right' they can't even see why i find this hard to cope with and they think I'm missing out on something amazing.
I work pt (as a teacher) and if we split I'd have to work ft. I can barely cope pt in my job with DD to look after too so I'm scraed about spliting for that reason too.
DH loves DD to bits and it breaks my heart to think I may take her away from him, but what can I do? Feel unhappy for years on end?!
I've outright asked DH if he had to choose, what would it be. He said if I gave him an ultimatum, it'd be faith first. He said it's God, DD then me. Clearly I can't and never will understand how anything can come before your own children. This keeps playing on my mind, although of course he loves her and I knwo that.
The Russian Orthodox church does not allow female or gay priests. This is partly why DH won't go to C of E and he thinks it doesn't follow bible properly.

I wrote far more than this, and with better grammar, in the message that's disappeared! But thanks for all your messages of support and advice so far. Any more greatly received.

OP, can I just ask, is his whole family Russian Orthodox? You say 'they think they're right' about him and his parents. Is that his cultural/family background? I do think that makes a difference - still think it doesn't give him ANY excuses for behaving like a prat or moving the goalposts to such a massive extent but it does affect the weirdness quotient!

Well it does look as if there is no room for compromise. So sorry, but unless you are willing to embrace his new found religion as part of your life together I really don't see what other options you have.

Regarding the change of circumstances, it will be difficult but you will manage. You would probably have to allow him to raise your dd as he sees fit when she is with him and you raise her the way you see fit when she is with you. When she is older she can make up her own mind about what she believes.

No, it's true, you definitely can't just 'have someone sectioned'!!

OP - i would point out to your DH that his behaviour is not actually very Christian
Like all my family i have never been Christened / baptised; but i went to a C of E church from age approx 5 or 6 until age 13 with neighbours.
I stopped going because I became old enough to see that many of the congregation were hypocritical snobs. Also I tried but couldn't believe in Jesus as the son of God, etc.

I understand what a Christian should be, although i'm not a Christian:

True Christians should be tolerant, caring, & willing to 'turn the other cheek'. They aren't meant to bully, & they should 'love others as themselves' - even if those 'others' are not Christian.

They do not believe that you need to be in a Church to pray - God is everywhere.

Christians do believe that to be 'saved' - ie to go to Heaven - then you need to be 'born again' as a Christian - i would think this is why your DH is trying to get you & DD involved.

But he needs to accept your choice! And surely it's better for DD to decide on religion when she is old enough to understand it more.

Your DH is acting selfishly - tell him that as a Christian he should be sensitive to the needs of others (ie you!). Tell him that no God would want him to devote so much time to reading every night while neglecting his family life!

krumbum - sexism and homophobia is not a 'part of Christianity' with which I am familiar - my church (Methodist , Christian) is inclusive and both supports and promotes women and LGBT in all aspects of our spiritual and organisational life, otherwise I would not be a part of it. 'God is love'. That is Christianity for me.

What a prick, how awful that you got stuck with such a selfish idiot. As long as you are telling your daughter that religion is fairy tales for fools and educating her on all the various religions and why they're all wrong, there shouldn't be too much of a problem. People are the types that either fall for any old bullshit or not and if she is a fall for it type there are worse ideologies than Orthodox Christianity tbh.

He's chosen his faith over his marriage and family, he won't appreciate the consequences of that until you leave him. Take your time, prepare yourself in whatever way you can and dump him when you're ready.

Bobbledunk - that's going to be really nice for the DD, the dad's v religious, so mum should say it's all a load of crap.

Some atheists are just as hard faced and callous about getting their view across as any evangelist. Disgusting.

Worst are all the armchair diagnosis of mental illness on this thread. How can you diagnose someone via a post on a forum? Do tell the NHS, it could save them a fortune in having to pay psychiatrists.

Who's diagnosing? People are saying it sounds like a mh problem and he should see a doctor. Not the same thing and disingenuous to suggest otherwise.