to hate my husband's new found faith?!

[Tilly80]

I've been married for 8 years and my husband had never shown an interest in religion. When our DD (now 4) was only one and half my DH suddenly found Christianity. He said he'd had visions in his dreams and that God spoke to him! At first I was supportive and went along to his baptism. I found it strange but it didn't affect us as a couple/family.

A few months after his baptism he started going to a Russian Orthodox church every Sunday. When I told him I found it hard coping for about 5 hours on a Sunday alone with DD and a dog to walk we had a huge row and he said he'd sacrificed enough for this family and he needed his own time. (When do I get my own time?!)

We had awful rows for quite a while and I felt completely trapped as, working part-time, I can't afford to support myself and DD. I've put up with this for 2 years now. He now takes our DD every Sunday too, which gives me a break, but I don't like her being influenced by it all. It's all so intense (I went once and it's not like a 'normal' church if that makes any sense!) He was also desperate to have our DD baptised at this church (and himself again!) and although I didn't want her to be, I had to agree to save the rows.

Every night he reads faith books (before, we used to watch TV together). I feel sick inside when he reads them as I feel like he's getting brainwashed. I know that sounds extreme but I find it all so weird! This has come out of the blue and it seems to dominate his life. I dread Sundays and I hate him and DD going to this church. My DH wants nothing more than for me to join them, but it's not my thing at all. I'm worried this is now my life - feeling sick to the stomache with his religion.

If anyone can give some advice or has experience with something like this I'd love to hear from you!

OP - my husband and I are both Christians so we have never faced this situation but I do know that if one of us started attending another church - or stopped going altogether - that would put massive pressure on our relationship. You cannot ask him to abandon his faith because you don't share it. The Christian faith teaches that your relationship with God should come above all earthly considerations. Some Christians - often newly converted - take this WAY too much on board, at the expense of their god given gifts and relationships. In a context where human relationships will suffer and innocent participants (you and dd) will be disadvantaged I think that's a very challenging teaching but it doesn't mean that you can do whatever you like and if it's 'for God' it will be fine. Being a Christian does not give you free rein to behave like an arse.
I think your dh has to work at finding a way to follow his faith and be a good father and husband. Those are not incompatible aspirations. I think the problem you may have is the church he's attending, not the faith he follows.

Sure he can have his beliefs. We live in a free country. The OP doesn't need to live with it though.

And anyone who thinks God is talking to them seriously needs to see a doctor. I don't mean that to sound offensive, but that is an indicator of serious mental illness.

Bringing a child up in a Christian household does not make them sexist and homophobic

cassettetapeandpencil but there are things that some people can't compromise on.

For me, it would be religion and affairs. Maybe others can tolerate those things, but it would be so wildly outside my beliefs that I just couldn't.

Sorry for taking up your thread OP.

Good post northernlurker

I do not think you are BU at all, but I do think everyone else is a bit far fetched to say he sounds mentally ill. Lots of people are that evangelical about their faith, and that dedicated to it - they are not all mentally ill!

I would have a problem with any new 'hobby' that consumed my DH to the point where he was uncommunicative and unavailable aqnd obessive, but the trouble with religion being the 'hobby' is that very soon he will come to view everyone who does not share his view as wrong, and it will drive a wedge between you. I would also have an issue with my child being brainwashed by this against my will. I think you need to have a serious talk about boundaries, respecting one another's POV, and where you stand on your daughter getting involved in this.

It's not the faith that sounds mentally ill, it's the very sudden and very devout conversion, teamed with the fact that he thinks God is talking to him.

To be clear - I wasn't suggesting that relate would cure the situation, but it may be helpful to see where you were both coming from.

I'd be filing for divorce too I think. I would still be concerned though as having a child with this man you will still be tied to him and he will still have contact with your DD. Counselling for yourself may help you get your head around everything.

I disagree with all organised religions.
Replace the word god with the word demon/John/boris/a white rabbit and ask if you would still argue about his mental health?

He said he'd had visions in his dreams and that John spoke to him! .....Followed by a rapid change in beliefs and lifestyle habits.

If he hadn't said God and had said some other word or name it would be a straight cut case of marching him down to the doctors!

The Russian Orthodox Church is not some cult!

Also people believing that God is giving them messages in a dream is not necessarily a sign of mental illness either.

It is very common after converting/rediscovering religion to go through a very enthusiastic/intense period - "convertitis", this does usually calm down.

OP, I can understand you must be feeling bewildered by this. You need to sit down and talk to your husband and work out, if possible, a way of compromising.

It might be that neither of you wants to compromise, but people can be happy in mixed marriages, or marriages where the couples have very different interests.

I'm wondering if people would be so quick to shout divorce, or throw about accusations of mental illness if your husband was obsessed with playing golf? [Hmm]

God spoke to him?

That would have me worrying very seriously about his mental health if he was my partner.

I've know 3 people in my wider circle of friends/aquantances who claimed to have had conversations with god all went on to be diagnosed/sectioned.

It must be very difficult OP.

I wouldn't want my child exposed to that.

Good post HMHilly.

It is not that sudden if he started going 2 and a half years ago and where in theop does it state that he is very devout?

He goes to church on sundays and reads religious books of an evening. Hardly washing the feet of passersby is it.

GothAnneGeddes If he started playing golf and thought the giant golf ball was talking to him, then yes, I'd question his sanity.

cantspel I'd say going to church for 5 hours and reading books is pretty devout.

YANBU to find the situation difficult, as for 'hating' your DH's faith or the suggestion that you divorce him because he has discovered religion and you haven't - I think that POV is a bit strong at this stage tbh.

Have you done any research into his religion - not from a converting point of you, but just to understand what it is about and the level of commitment it involves? It may be that the church itself is not dictating that your DH spends virtually all day there on a Sunday or every night reading religious texts (I have no idea, am wavering C of E myself). If this is the case it may be worth talking to his priest/pastor/vicar (?) and seeing if they can offer you an advice re dealing with him becoming rather obsessive.

My non-religious friend was married to a practising Muslim and found that reading the Qur'an really helped her understand some of his behaviours, particularly the less appealing ones which he tried to chalk up to religion or culture when in fact it was just him being a prat.

Regarding the possibility of mental breakdown of some kind - I'm sure the majority of people who find religion 'suddenly' have no such issues but it is worth bearing in mind. My DH had a bit of a mid-life crisis at one point which involved him dabbling (in a very brief and shallow fashion - thank goodness) in Scientology!

I think the 'God spoke to me' thing needs a bit of unpacking. I pray and a lot of the time, most in fact I am not praying aloud. I'm trying to talk to God and that's in my head. Sometimes I can reflect on things and maybe see how my prayer may have been answered. I feel that's God talking to me. If you said to me 'NL, you're a Christian - does God talk to you?' I would say yes. (Don't ask me if I always listen!) If you said 'do you hear God's voice in your ear - an actual audible voice?' I would say no.

How is seeing an invisible magic person talking to you not a sign of mental illness? If it ain't there and you see it then that's a hallucination.

YANBU to be disturbed by extreme changes in your husbands beliefs because he is having "visions."

Having a different faith is such a fundamental difference that I can't imagine a relationship working well. As an atheist, I would be quite displeased with my children being put through religious rituals.

Yellowraincoat - That's how long services last in the Russian Orthodox church. It's not extreme, just standard religious practice.
Just like praying 5 times a day sounds a bit much to some, but for Muslims, it's normal.

Very disappointed at the ignorance and anti-religious bigotry being passed off as advice here, particularly when someone's marriage is at stake.

GothAnneGeddes I know that's how long the service lasts - why has he picked this particular church? If he wants to follow religion why not go to the CofE/equivalent? It seems very odd to me to go from no religion to a religion that stipulates 5 hours of church.

This has got nothing to do with bigotry or hating religion. The man thinks God is speaking to him. He has very suddenly converted. That is a well-known sign of mental health problems.

yanbu, this sounds awful and converts are the worst type of religious crazy. You can't reason with crazy people so your best option is to prepare yourself for independence, whether that means going finding a full time job or studying for a better one (or even finding a new man to run away with). Make a getaway plan and give yourself enough time to get on your feet, then let him choose, you or the religion, if he chooses the religion leave him to his delusions and run.

I think the religious aspect to this is almost irrelevant, what the OP is saying is that her husband is no longer the person she married and his current behaviour is upsetting and frightening her.
OP, go and talk to a solicitor, and enlist someone in RL who you trust who can help you with this devastating situation.

From the op he started in his local church and from there progressed to the Russian Orthodox Church. Why? only he can know but maybe he just prefers a more formal type of church as there is very little difference what the two believe.

He is not hearing voices. he had one dream (only one is mentioned in the op) where he heard God calling him.

With Greek Orthadox churches I think the custom is to drop into the very long service and leave when you need to, rather than sit through the entire 5 (or however many) hours in the same way you are expected to with a 1 hour C of E service. I may have got this wrong as it is 2nd hand information - is it customary to attend the full 5 hours of a Russian orthodox service?

I guess the issue here is that, as somebody said, the husband in question has radically changed his belief system and approach to life so that where it was once in line with his wife's world view it is now radically different. This is further complicated by his wish to have their young child accept his world view and become part of it. If the couple are not able to discuss this calmly and see each other's points of view, then either they have to seek counselling to facilitate this or (and, if the counselling confirms the probability that their differences can't be reconciled) the couple will have to split.

I guess that states the problem without the rights or wrongs of religion being brought into it, though the fact it is religion rather than golf is what makes it a total and potentially incompatible change in world view, not an annoying time consuming hobby...

cantspel to the non-religious there is no difference between hearing voices and God calling you.

mayaswell in my opinion, you're right. The religious thing is almost irrelevant. If my partner suddenly became a tory, it would be the same thing.