to hate my husband's new found faith?!

[Tilly80]

I've been married for 8 years and my husband had never shown an interest in religion. When our DD (now 4) was only one and half my DH suddenly found Christianity. He said he'd had visions in his dreams and that God spoke to him! At first I was supportive and went along to his baptism. I found it strange but it didn't affect us as a couple/family.

A few months after his baptism he started going to a Russian Orthodox church every Sunday. When I told him I found it hard coping for about 5 hours on a Sunday alone with DD and a dog to walk we had a huge row and he said he'd sacrificed enough for this family and he needed his own time. (When do I get my own time?!)

We had awful rows for quite a while and I felt completely trapped as, working part-time, I can't afford to support myself and DD. I've put up with this for 2 years now. He now takes our DD every Sunday too, which gives me a break, but I don't like her being influenced by it all. It's all so intense (I went once and it's not like a 'normal' church if that makes any sense!) He was also desperate to have our DD baptised at this church (and himself again!) and although I didn't want her to be, I had to agree to save the rows.

Every night he reads faith books (before, we used to watch TV together). I feel sick inside when he reads them as I feel like he's getting brainwashed. I know that sounds extreme but I find it all so weird! This has come out of the blue and it seems to dominate his life. I dread Sundays and I hate him and DD going to this church. My DH wants nothing more than for me to join them, but it's not my thing at all. I'm worried this is now my life - feeling sick to the stomache with his religion.

If anyone can give some advice or has experience with something like this I'd love to hear from you!

If having visions in his dreams and thinking that god spoke to him isn't a sign of questionable mental health I'd like to know what is! But regardless of all that, that's his choice, his problem. If I were you Tilly I'd consider my problem to be my daughter - and there's no way I'd have her taken to church for hours every Sunday by a man who believes that god's speaking to him and no way I'd have her baptised. At all.

I'd make it very clear to my DH that either he accepted that my DD wasn't doing either of these things or he left the house without further discussion. I'd be very concerned about setting a precedent for the courts to consider if I were later to divorce my DH if I didn't put a stop to my DD being involved in the whole religion thing otherwise. Even if my DH agreed to what I was saying I would still consider my and my DD's future very seriously as there's no way I'd want to live as you are.

YANBU to be bothered about this, but your DH is not BU to follow his beliefs either. You need to work out if you can both live with (and respect) your differences, or you need to go your separate ways.

I am in an interfaith marriage. I was brought up without a faith, became a Christian in my twenties and am now agnostic (leaning towards atheism). DH was brought up as a Hindu but converted to Sikhism before he met me. I sometimes go to the gurdwara with him, and so does dd, but we agreed before she was born that she would be taught about all faiths and indoctrinated in none. This position would be non-negotiable for me.

When DH and I got married, I was warned by friends that interfaith marriages were fraught with difficulties. I pointed out that people's religious beliefs can change over time in any case, as you have discovered to your cost. In our marriage, we were aware of the differences and we were able to negotiate our way through these from the outset. It's different when things suddenly change half way in, and extremely difficult if one parent dramatically changes the way that they want to raise the children.

I think respect is crucial in any interfaith relationship. You don't have to agree with each other, but you do have to accept that the other person's position is reasonable and valid. I don't think your DH is necessarily mentally ill - lots of people experience religious conversions later in life. However, he needs to accept that you don't share his views and possibly never will.

I think that you need to talk things through in a calm, respectful way, to see if there is enough common ground for you to reach a mutually acceptable compromise. But if you decide that you can't live with it, don't let finances get in the way of divorcing him - you will find a way to cope. Life with an incompatible partner is miserable, and both of you deserve better.

If you do split up, you may have to accept that dd will be exposed to her father's religion when she is with him, but there won't be any need to observe it when she is with you. Children tend to be quite accepting and tolerant of differences in belief. However, it may be confusing for her if his religion is very damning of those who don't belong, and I think you need to try and agree a more moderate approach with him if at all possible.

I hope that you manage to work through this to the right solution for both of you. :)

Dewe. There is evidence that christianity is homophobic and sexist, so questioning that religion is not that same as holding sexist and homophobic views. religion is a choice whereas sexuality and sex are not. Being a women or a gay person also affects no one else, religion does affect other people negatively. Why is it a negative thing to question a belief system that demonises other people? Its the same as questioning a political party it's just a belief, and if I think if it affects other people negatively (op's daughter for one) then it is a good thing to question it.

Ynbu. I would really struggle to cope with with anything like this. But it's obviously not a passing phase so I think that you might have to learn to live with it as best you can. Maybe he could tone it down generally and stop reading scripture every evening. There must also be an option to go to a shorter version of the mass and maybe he could consider that.

Krum you are correct that there are some Christians and some elements of Christianity that are homophobic and sexist. That doesn't make Christianity homophobic and sexist, nor all Christians.

Conversion can be a pretty radical experience. The most extreme example is Saul/Paul who sees a light, hears a voice, goes blind and then when he starts seeing again COMPLETELY turns his life round and does the exact opposite to everything he did before. I wouldn't have liked to be married to him! In modern times he would definately be spending some time with very nice people offering lovely medicines. But it CAN happen. If you're going to believe in a God who defeated death, worked miracles and created the universe then you also have to accept that He can change people. THat said, conversion is NOT some sort of mind control exercise. You may come to a belief in God but you retain your responsibilities to those who love you. That's where the OP's husband is falling down and it's not right at all.
By the way it would be really nice if we could cut out the insinuations that having a faith qualifies you for residential mental health care. My faith is a vital part of me. I respect that not having a faith is a vital part of many people. Bit of give and take maybe? Because contrary to popular belief Christians are capable of that, I'm sure aetheists must be too There is nothing Christian in homophobia, sexism or racism either btw.

Sorry I think my last sentence is ambiguous - I don't mean there aren't for example racist people who proclaim themselves as Christians - clearly there are. I just believe they've fundamentally misinterpreted what they should be doing if they're following Christ. Racism, sexism, homophobia, any hatred or prejudice or contempt is NOT Christlike.

LadyHarriet I am an atheist but you have put it best as far as I am concerned.

When you marry someone you agree to be with them through difficult times but IMO you also make a kind of contract, or statement about the person you want to be with. If that person then radically changes their moral outlook and engages in behaviour which you find disturbing or threatening then that does call that 'contract' into question.

And I would say 'rowing' with someone till they agree to have their child baptised in a religion they don't agree with is threatening, and announcing 'visions' may be disturbing.

I wouldn't advise anyone whose partner converted to split up automatically but it does sound like he is using his belief to railroad you into things and control you, and that is what is really beyond the pale.

Just to add to my post up thread. If two atheists marry and have a child, then one of them finds god, I think it is most unreasonable to insist that the child be brought up in this newly discovered faith. That was not the deal agreed, when the child was born - very wrong imo to change the terms of the relationship/child rearing on someone.

So when it came to a conflict between child being baptised or not, the OP should not have given in for a quiet life.

Karma precisely!! Except much more succinct

We X posted RP. took me ages to read through this thread!

Nothing wrong with finding faith, but I would question any church which took someone away from their family to this extent. This would seem to be contrary to what most Christian communities would recommend.

Haven't read the full thread but can confirm that Orthodox services are not 5 hours long, more like 2. And you can drop in and out if you need to. At my mum's church there is usually a meal and social time after the liturgy which, including travel time is probably where the 5 hours come from. It is not for me personally but I have been as a guest and don't find them at all extremist though they do have very traditional views which some may have a problem with (no women priests, homosexuality banned etc). My mum says that evangelism is also not the norm, trying to convert others or going on about religion is not expected or encouraged. Invited discussion yes but being a PITA no.

All sensible churches should discourage PITA behaviour. I'm with your mum!

I went to a Lent group recently when I felt very unChristian because a guy there said he'd witnessed a woman 'speaking in tongues' - which he said was awe inspiring.

I thought guiltily to myself - anyone can make up a weird language; it doesn't make it profound - (and felt partially vindicated when I watched the Charlie and Lola episode where she invents her own country:))... I don't doubt something happened in that room to make those Biblical blokes understand each other, but as none of the interpreters of the world out there today could do it from birth with no lessons (as far as I know), then I think the modern skew on it is misguided.

My point is that religion can warp people, IMO. So YANBU - your DHs sudden obsession sounds distinctly odd. I have heard of enough people 'finding God' who have then gone on to 'lose him' to be a bit

I agree with everything Northernlurker has written, especially the part about it sounding like it is the church that is the problem, not Christianity itself.

Why did your husband leave the local church he was baptised into? That sounds like it might have been a more convenient and liberal solution to the new differences between you.

Could you talk to the leadership of both churches and see what their communities are like, how they are influencing your husband and whether they could help him settle into his faith with less zeal and more consideration for his family?

I does sound like you are having a terrible time and whilst the christian believers will try to describe him as spirit filled for his keenness, he sounds to be rather manic and may have been suffering some depression which they are now taking advantage off. Many churches base their conversion processes around the same kind of 12 step model that addiction groups etc. use as the 12 step process is very successful.

It would suggest you at least force him to sit down and have a serious chat about the future and if I was you I'd put the foot down about letting him take your child along too as she will be pressurised about your lack of salvation in their eyes and some christian group do like to use the children to get to the parents. They love to put on the hard sell at baptismal events.

I'm an atheist, as is my partner, and to be honest I would struggle if he found faith.

However, I think that I could accept it, as his choice, if he was prepared to leave it at that.

I had a much loved Uncle, who was devoutly Christian, and active in his local church, but it was entirely personal to him. My aunt wasn't religous, and there were no expectations about her participation, or their children.

I was aware of his faith, but to be honest, it was only at his funeral that I realised what it meant to him. It made me admire him all the more, that he had this deep belief, and yet did not feel the need to be evangelical about it.

ANother big problem is that Christianity is inherently woman-hating, and the more demanding of time and attention the church is, the more they are going to be keen to put the OP in her place and make her obedient to her H. Religiousness in men is quite often a matter of feeling entitled to push their partners around because now they've got a big imaginary friend who says they should be doing so. This knob's already bullying and threatening his wife to agree that his imaginary friend is real, after all.

It's not Christianity which is "inherently woman-hating" sgb, it's some religious people and churches that are. Not the same thing, and not what Jesus would have wanted.

Op. I wud be questioning the change in ur marriage and how u will cope with things like alcohol or contraception?

Cud u support a less full on version, for example a trip to his previous church with dd? But he needs to comprimise too.

It happened to friends of our family, ultimately he said he cudnt compete with her religion and after 20yrs of marriage they divorced. Very sad

Krumbum, you said: "I would not want my child brought up being sexist and homophobic which is part of Christianity..." My children are being brought up as Catholics. They are not being brought up to be sexist and homophobic.

Having said that, I can see why the OP is in a very unsettling position.

solidgoldbrass what twaddle!!

Have you been in a christian church recently? Women are not subservient to anyone, nor wud they suggest it.

The bible places great emphasis on powerful women, think Mary,jesus mother! Try opening ur mind solid and you might talk less crap! Actually you are just offensive.

'spending some time with very nice people offering lovely medicines'

What a strange view of mental health services....

TBH if your husband does have a mental health problem, being in a church with a structure, group support and an authority system that has the potential to protect your interests, is a good adjunct and may even be a much better bet than the mental health services tbh (my husband has a chronic mental health problem - and also converted suddenly, but to a faith he has roots in and before we met. He's no longer a believer). I agree with the poster who suggested going to talk to the priest.

It's not an absolute - he's not either mad or religious. Pace CS Lewis, it's quite possible to be both. What's worrying is the level of conflict between you and the lack of respect he is showing to your views. You're also showing lack of respect for his - it does sound like his came first, but who knows?