To think DP caused this argument and he's a knob

[CharlieBitMe]

DP and I are moving in together in two weeks. He's suddenly decided that my kids need more "discipline" and "structure" so on the 4 nights a week he stays with us he's attempted to lay the law down about us having a "games night" where we play a board game and insisted that we all sit at the table to eat dinner. I'm really not happy about him trying to lay the law down like this and we had a small row about it and I said I would compromise by trying the meal at the table and would offer the kids the board game thing but not insist on it. So we're sat down at the table and it was really awkward and false. DP had "dressed for dinner" which I found absolutely hilarious and he tries starting shit conversations which all sounded so corny and sitcomish.
DS said something about "oh god, we're becomming one of those geeky families that think they're better than everyone else because they're smug" and DP snapped "well maybe it's about time you were aware of how you come across to others, there is nothing wrong with sitting at the table for a meal".
He was obviously implying that the kids had been dragged up and so I snapped and said he looked like a total dork in his "dinner wear" and he should stop thinking he was something wasn't. DS burst out laughing and DP snapped back "well if I'm a dork, you're a fishwife". DS again burst out laughing and I laughed along, it was quite funny. The dork and the fishwife. DP however sulked that it wasn't funny and he was just trying to be civilised "for once". For a laugh I agreed with him and asked DS to pass the caviare so DS flicked a load of mash at DP. It went all down his suit and I did tell him off and said he'd gone too far but DP was furious and stormed upstairs saying we were all beyond help.

AIBU to think that despite DS being naughty, the whole thing was caused by DP?

From your posts, he does sound like he was being rather a knob. He also sounds like he has completely unrealistic expectations of your DC. If they are used to eating on the sofa/floor, which requires no table manners, he shouldn't expect them to behave well on the first attempt. And dressing for dinner...ffs.
However, your DS flicking mash at him? Flicking mash at a sibling I can understand, but an adult?? Noooooo.....

Tbh, your son does sound like a bit of a terror, and indulged by you (drawing on the walls etc), so moving in with DP is a recipe for disaster, as none of you appear to be showing much respect to each other. Your first loyalty will be to your son (rightly so) and if the guy keeps this up your relationship will be over in months.

Yes, your OP makes me think your DP has a fair point about discipline, but he's imagining that all it will take to create a perfect 50s household is a few 'games nights' and rules and regs - he's deluded. He is not a parent, and laying down the law doesn't make him one. For a successful step-family, both adults need to have similar attitudes towards parenting, otherwise either the relationship or the kids are doomed....

You both sound like a pair of nobs

Poor Jim :(

I think what really matters here - aside from my agreeing with everything WordFactory says, which I feel certain will come as a great relief to her - is that the OP appears not to have grasped that to move in with someone, and indeed to have a proper relationship with you sort of have to like them a bit.

What's really astonishing is that we're not all shrieking that at the tops of our little MN voices . YOU DO NOT LIKE THIS MAN AND IT IS DOOMED TO FAILURE.

Your son and his lack of manners is a big fat red herring.

Poor sod. This relationship is doomed. I cannot understand what you see in each other.

Sorry Cory, I'm not up to date with the feminist lingo. It's his house, which is why I used the word provider. He's providing the roof over their heads. I meant no harm. I'm old school. My language is not 2012.

As far as the moving in goes, I think it's six of one and half a dozen of the other: she is moving into his house, he is moving into her family. Calling for mutual compromise. One person can't expect to have it all their way about laying down the law.

But he's not moving into her family is he? There is this great big rift which is obvious by OP and her DC's behaviour toward him. I have not read the other threads but am aware there have been other incidences and OP's DP isn't such a great catch in the first place. This is a bad match. They both must be getting some sort of perverse enjoyment out of it or else they wouldn't put so much energy into staying together. I just don't see what it is.

The owl thing sounds strange but you only added it after people disagreed with you.

Throwing food at people and drawing on walls is not something well behaved children do, he is going to be your DS's step father so why shouldnt he mention discipline given those two examples.

You sound like you dont like or respect him so why move in with him?

Will no one think of the owl?

The game thing would be a fun idea if the dp had approached it in that spirit. What he has actually done, according to the OP, is to have told her it is to be introduced because her children need more discipline and structure. Doesn't sound like a barrel of laughs to me.

I used to love family games evenings and conversations around the dinner table when I was a child- because we liked each other as a family and have fun together. I feel the same with my own family these days. If I was ordered to do it as some kind of cure for my deficiencies of character I doubt it would have quite the same significance.

"tethers see this whole oh other cultures do it, is a red herring.

Ohter cultures eat on the floor in a very communal way. There is a different but often strict code of how it is done. And there is much polite conversation."

It's not a red herring wordfactory- it's my point

Bizarrely, eating on the floor is not in itself a signifier of unredeemable moral rot as some on this thread would have it.

All parties sound incredibly unreasonable here and the only reason they should move in together is to prevent any other poor woman, man or prospective step-parent from taking them on before they realise what they're letting themselves in for.

Btw I find it rather hard to believe the bird story as told. I suspect some of the details have been slightly embellished for comic effect, or to make the DP sound even worse. I also hope the mash flicking incident has been exaggerated. A whole load, all down his suit? That's more than just bad table manners, that's a vandal in the making. (Or a member of the aristocracy.)

I think the drawing on the wall is hilarious.

The wall was about to be painted anyway- it's not like he drew it in shit.

Unless he drew it in shit?

Sorry but if you can't see that flicking mash at an adult at the dinner table is wrong on all levels, your dc probably does need discipline.

However I haven't read any of your other threads so apologies if DP is indeed a twat.

"There is this great big rift which is obvious by OP and her DC's behaviour toward him. I have not read the other threads but am aware there have been other incidences and OP's DP isn't such a great catch in the first place. This is a bad match. They both must be getting some sort of perverse enjoyment out of it or else they wouldn't put so much energy into staying together. I just don't see what it is."

Absolutely agree with this.

And with this:

"the OP appears not to have grasped that to move in with someone, and indeed to have a proper relationship with you sort of have to like them a bit."

I thought op said he wasn't wearing a suit??

Jodie, we already did the 'shrieking that at the tops of our little MN voices . YOU DO NOT LIKE THIS MAN AND IT IS DOOMED TO FAILURE' on the OP's last thread about her dp but she didn't listen.

YY tethers to the drawing on the wall

me and my dad painted a whole room with poster painted Conan cartoons once, before it was painted over. And Ive never been to prison yet

The owl is all right, Hully'; it's playing with the good little boy who waited his turn nicely.

And it can probably have some of the left-overs of CanISawItOff's dh on the other knob thread.

Warren WHO is the 'boxroom poster'

My sympathies are totally with the DP. He's making an effort and getting it, literally, thrown in his face. Your son sounds like an arsey teen or pre-teen

You all sound like morons to me.

I feel sorry for you moving in with a man you obviously neither like nor respect and I feel sorry for him moving in with you and your kids who have all been dragged up in the gutters.

Shrugs

Sorry OP but you sound like the one at fault here.

You should not be moving in together, he is to good for you and ds

She may have explained it wasn't really a suit in a later post, I think you're right, but in the OP it says (and I cut and paste this time to be sure it is an accurate quote): "DS flicked a load of mash at DP. It went all down his suit".

I suppose it was shorthand for "relatively posh clothes" but in any case, my point was that sounds like an awful lot of mash.