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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP caused this argument and he's a knob

334 replies

CharlieBitMe · 07/06/2012 12:31

DP and I are moving in together in two weeks. He's suddenly decided that my kids need more "discipline" and "structure" so on the 4 nights a week he stays with us he's attempted to lay the law down about us having a "games night" Hmm where we play a board game and insisted that we all sit at the table to eat dinner. I'm really not happy about him trying to lay the law down like this and we had a small row about it and I said I would compromise by trying the meal at the table and would offer the kids the board game thing but not insist on it. So we're sat down at the table and it was really awkward and false. DP had "dressed for dinner" which I found absolutely hilarious and he tries starting shit conversations which all sounded so corny and sitcomish.
DS said something about "oh god, we're becomming one of those geeky families that think they're better than everyone else because they're smug" and DP snapped "well maybe it's about time you were aware of how you come across to others, there is nothing wrong with sitting at the table for a meal".
He was obviously implying that the kids had been dragged up and so I snapped and said he looked like a total dork in his "dinner wear" and he should stop thinking he was something wasn't. DS burst out laughing and DP snapped back "well if I'm a dork, you're a fishwife". DS again burst out laughing and I laughed along, it was quite funny. The dork and the fishwife. DP however sulked that it wasn't funny and he was just trying to be civilised "for once". For a laugh I agreed with him and asked DS to pass the caviare so DS flicked a load of mash at DP. It went all down his suit and I did tell him off and said he'd gone too far but DP was furious and stormed upstairs saying we were all beyond help.

AIBU to think that despite DS being naughty, the whole thing was caused by DP?

OP posts:
bejeezusWC · 07/06/2012 13:39

One day, my mum didn't put the top on the sauce bottle and, when he shook it, it went everywhere. We started to laugh and that resulted in another rage

Grin

but Sad

fedupofnamechanging · 07/06/2012 13:43

Just seen the owl thing - that is indeed knobish (sp? - is that even a word?) behaviour.

I think when you are embarking on a step parent situation, the parent has to be the one to initially, at least, impose the rules. But these ought to be decided with respect and consideration of and in conjunction with, the step parent, because it is their home too. That's why you can really only have a successful outcome if both adults have broadly the same outlook and values.

That's what's wrong here - you two are far too different at the moment and there is little common ground.

AnnieLobeseder · 07/06/2012 13:44

Sounds to me like your children do need more discipline and structure. Flicking food around, drawing rude pictures on the walls, laughing at adults, never eating at the table.

But, if that's not how you raised them, making a major change is hardly likely to work now.

I would suggest you re-think moving in together for the time being. You apparently have very different ideas on how to raise children.

Empusa · 07/06/2012 13:45

Is there anything positive about your relationship OP? Because it really doesn't sound like it :(

wordfactory · 07/06/2012 13:45

tethers see this whole oh other cultures do it, is a red herring.

Ohter cultures eat on the floor in a very communal way. There is a different but often strict code of how it is done. And there is much polite conversation.

OP is describing somehting utterly different. She is describing a way in which both she and more importantly her DC feel uncomfortable with simple niceties.

It is about inherent lack of self esteem. The feeling that one is other. The idea that her partner is trying to 'be somehting he's not' as if certain things were only for the higher orders.

OP's DS needs to be brought up to understand that he is equal to everyone. And he can only do that if he understands the norms of civilised behaviour, which to be honest are really relaxed in most homes in this country. A bowl of pasta at the table with the telly off, chatting about school is all we're talking. Not somehting from Brideshead Revisited.

cory · 07/06/2012 13:46

MeCookGoodSock Thu 07-Jun-12 13:33:34

"I don't see why this man would want to be a provider with no say or respect in his own home."

Where does it say he is the provider? Or have I strayed into a 1950's thread?

sabelhp · 07/06/2012 13:46

haha "OP, who cares why you eat on the floor. Afaik lots of cultures eat on the floor and no one likens them to nimals (a fucking horrible likening). It's nobody's business."

Yup all you gaspers you do realise that BILLIONS of people around the world live happy, productive, moral lives without the benefit of ... tables!

What a bunch of animals hey?!?

(we all (dh, 4 children & I) more often than not sit on the floor around a low table to eat ... I can feel the tremors of mn horror from here. Miraculously none of us have any difficulty eating in any other environment ... table, buffet, beach, tent, picnic, cafe etc ... isn't that remarkable? AND we play board games & don't have a TV!)

Hullygully · 07/06/2012 13:47

We eat naked in the bath. We can wash and wash up simultaneoulsy after.

wordfactory · 07/06/2012 13:47

sovery that's my point!!!

Everyone indulges in a little telly-side food don't they?

But bringing up DC to not be able to use proper manners, indeed to feel uncomfortable using them, is just forcing them to live a certain type of life. Ultimately limiting.

MeCookGoodSock · 07/06/2012 13:49

Cory, it's his house OP wants to move into?

manicbmc · 07/06/2012 13:49

Yes, but Sabelhp, I bet your kids don't flick food? It doesn't matter where they eat, it's about having some manners.

AnnieLobeseder · 07/06/2012 13:49

I think the presence or absence of a table is a bit of a red herring. It's about the family gathering together, with the focus on each other, conversation and the meal, rather than scattered about in front of the TV.

bejeezusWC · 07/06/2012 13:49

sabel how uncouth, do you manage to have jobs and maintain eye contact with other people?

Amateurish · 07/06/2012 13:51

YABU.

He wants the family to have a sit down dinner. Sounds like a good idea to me. And you agreed.

Then you mock him for putting on a shirt and trying to have a conversation.

Sounds like he is making a proper and genuine attempt to become part of the family when he moves in. And you throw it all in his face (as well as the mash).

If my DS had done that (the mash thing) I would have gone absolutely ballistic.

HazleNutt · 07/06/2012 13:53

if your whole family loves to eat from the floor, flicking food around - fine.
if your family likes to dress up every evening and use 7 different forks - also fine.

But it is very difficult to join those two families. Even if you really try. Which does not seem to be the case here.

cory · 07/06/2012 13:54

MeCookGoodSock Thu 07-Jun-12 13:49:03
"Cory, it's his house OP wants to move into?"

Doesn't make him the provider. For all we know she is earning. All we know about their finances is that he gives his money to his mother to manage.

As far as the moving in goes, I think it's six of one and half a dozen of the other: she is moving into his house, he is moving into her family. Calling for mutual compromise. One person can't expect to have it all their way about laying down the law.

sabelhp · 07/06/2012 13:55

we are truly repulsive people & .... uncouth .... shudder. Life of crime awaits the poor children :( - probably mugging old ladies or stealing from vicars. We're just so common it's painful.

bejeezusWC · 07/06/2012 13:55

the poor dc is probably very capable and very happy to sit at a table, maybe without swearing and dribbling even-who knows?

I imagine what he found ridicolous was the DP getting dressed up for dinner/ trying to initiate forced conversations like he was speed dating/ insisting on bored board games

and gosh, ds expressed his emotion about the new situation! (quite articulately from what OP has written-with no swear words) Shock Shock

DP is the adult-he could have used DSs reaction to lead into a conversation about why he is such a wassock what he thought was appropriate manners, behaviour, silver service, which fork to use etc et yawning c

saggyhairyarse · 07/06/2012 13:55

I am sure this has been said before but if the OP and her BF are going to make a go of things then they do need to present a united front with the children. If they think that you will side with them then they will run rings around you at your BFs expense. I personally don't have a problem with dinner in front of the TV, it's manners that count not logisitics (some people haven't got room for a table or the money to buy one or choose not to have one!). Obviously you were right to tell your son off but he felt he could flick his food at your BF because you basically took the piss out of him!

OTheHugeManatee · 07/06/2012 13:56

Lots of cultures eat on the floor, without cutlery. Those same cultures generally have elaborate codes of manners for said eating.

That's some considerable distance from just not ascribing any value to the idea of manners full stop, and sneering at anyone who tries - even sporadically - to introduce them.

badtasteflump · 07/06/2012 13:57

Going on your opening post OP (because I can't be arsed to read 7 pages Smile) I would say I feel a bit sorry for your DP.

He is obviously trying his best to throw himself in to being part of your family - I think the idea of eating together at the table and having a games night are lovely, personally - I honestly don't see why you'd have a problem with it.

But you obviously do have a problem with it - and seem happy to sit back and have your DC take the piss out of him. So I would say on that basis (and on the basis that you consider him a 'knob' - you shouldn't move in together as it's pretty doomed to fail....

Why do you even want to move in with him if you have so little regard for jim?

badtasteflump · 07/06/2012 13:58

jim? Who the fuck is jim? Blush

Buckingfiatch · 07/06/2012 13:58

We don't always sit at the table, but more often that not we do. To me, it sounds like you and DS are unable to do this. What do you do when you go out to a restaurant? If you manage it then, surely you can at home? It is all about give and take. Compromise. Like Friday to Sunday dinners at the table, others wherever you wish.

With regards to the game night, I actually like that idea. Isn't it nice he wants to do something fun with the pair of you? One night a week for an hour or 2, would it really be that bad?

Flicking food is disrespectful. However, drawing on bare walls before being painted, I don't see what the huge issue is with that. Not something I have ever thought to do, but whenever I have stripped walls and seen doodles underneath, I have had a giggle before recovering it with paint/wallpaper. Don't see the big deal with that. I would if he had drawn on the wall after it having been decorated.

That aside, you seem to be constantly putting him down at every opportunity on here. You haven't said a good thing about him and he also puts you down. That alone has me wondering why the fuck hell you are both moving in with each other. You obviously both lack respect for each other, otherwise compromising wouldn't be that hard.

bejeezusWC · 07/06/2012 14:00

my childrens father is from a culture who sit on the floor and dont use cutlery

I can assure you there is no elaborate code of manners and eating Hmm, neither is there always much polite conversation Hmm sometimes there is even arguing Shock

what century do you lot live in??

bejeezusWC · 07/06/2012 14:01

yeah, see, what I really cant tolerate is disrespecting jim Grin