To think DP caused this argument and he's a knob

[CharlieBitMe]

DP and I are moving in together in two weeks. He's suddenly decided that my kids need more "discipline" and "structure" so on the 4 nights a week he stays with us he's attempted to lay the law down about us having a "games night" where we play a board game and insisted that we all sit at the table to eat dinner. I'm really not happy about him trying to lay the law down like this and we had a small row about it and I said I would compromise by trying the meal at the table and would offer the kids the board game thing but not insist on it. So we're sat down at the table and it was really awkward and false. DP had "dressed for dinner" which I found absolutely hilarious and he tries starting shit conversations which all sounded so corny and sitcomish.
DS said something about "oh god, we're becomming one of those geeky families that think they're better than everyone else because they're smug" and DP snapped "well maybe it's about time you were aware of how you come across to others, there is nothing wrong with sitting at the table for a meal".
He was obviously implying that the kids had been dragged up and so I snapped and said he looked like a total dork in his "dinner wear" and he should stop thinking he was something wasn't. DS burst out laughing and DP snapped back "well if I'm a dork, you're a fishwife". DS again burst out laughing and I laughed along, it was quite funny. The dork and the fishwife. DP however sulked that it wasn't funny and he was just trying to be civilised "for once". For a laugh I agreed with him and asked DS to pass the caviare so DS flicked a load of mash at DP. It went all down his suit and I did tell him off and said he'd gone too far but DP was furious and stormed upstairs saying we were all beyond help.

AIBU to think that despite DS being naughty, the whole thing was caused by DP?

Just reminded myself of the earlier thread. And can only repeat: DON'T DO IT!

He isn't a man you could possibly respect in the long run and watching you fail to do so will set a dreadful example to your ds.

In fact, it may make your ds very uncomfortable about his own status as a man when he approaches puberty.

On the face of it, eating at the table isn't a bad thing, neither is doing something other than watching TV in the evening.

However, it is wrong to suddenly start imposing rules on someone else's child - he sounds very uptight and totally inexperienced wrt parenting, so I think you would both be better off by not moving in together right now. I must admit that I would go ape shit if some man with fuck all parenting experience started telling me how to raise my kids. Otoh, by moving in together, you are giving him a stake in the parenting - he's entitled to have some of his values respected within a shared home.

Your child was rude to throw food, but you know that - it sounds like the teasing got out of hand.

You two don't sound 'sorted' enough to be putting a child in this environment.

When you said he dressed for dinner- I thought you meant a dinner suite, not just a shirt and trousers
TBH it seems quite nice that he wants to sit down as a family and talk and eat togther. however, you and your son sound like you're bullying him- calling him dorky, flicking food at him and taking the p*ss.
It doesn't appear as if you like or even respect him- so why bother?

Regardless of everyones behaviour on said evening (btw manners cost nothing), you blatantly have different values and should not be together!

Sounds like he touched a nerve, you got defensive over his trying to change things and you and your ds took the piss out of him trying to do what are sensible, nice things. If I was him, I would be running a mile from you and yours.

Whilst I think your dp does show some knobby tendencies I think that you are creating a them and us situation.

He will basically become their step father and you should be doing things together to make it easier for you all and also be showing a united front, not encouraging your children to make fun of your dp.

We pretty mu always have all meals at the table (instigated by dh, and he's right it works and is lovely) every now and then we'll have a picnic dinner in front of the tv, but generally at the table.

If you can't agree on things now, how on earth do you think things will get better once you e moved in?

And for what it's worth, your ds drawing on the wall (whatever the picture) is wrong and I would have gone mad at that.

Sounds like you shouldn't even be together let alone thinking of moving in together

Reading the previous thread, I think the running should be mutual, Fate. Plenty about this man that isn't nice or sensible either.

OP, who cares why you eat on the floor. Afaik lots of cultures eat on the floor and no one likens them to nimals (a fucking horrible likening). It's nobody's business.
But this guy demanding to implement rules and start games nights which only he is interested in is not healthy. Neither are his low opinions of you. You don't seem to think he's that great either, really urge you to double and triple think about moving in. Rindercella is right, it is easier now to leave than later

listen to karmer

well said untidy

Oh honestly! Some people are being ridiculous here.

Choosing not to usually eat at the table at home does not mean that DC have no table manners or don't know how to behave. Some people simply find it more comfortable to sit on a sofa (or the floor in this case) and eat. I am not sure why people think that means people ar eeating like animals, do you never have a picnic? If you do do you then eat off the floor without using your hands/cutlery like animals, purely because you are sitting on the floor? I don't imagine so.

Aside from that and whether you think eating at the table is a good idea, it's not really for the OP's partner to come in and suddenly start trying to impose rules on her family and expect her (presumably older) DC to just accept it, having done things differently as a family for a long time.

OP, I do agree though that it doesn't sound like you and your DP are suited.

karma - "However, it is wrong to suddenly start imposing rules on someone else's child" but the op is trying to start imposing rules on someone else the dp.

if this was the way he was brought up why is it so wrong for him to want to live like that in his own house?

op - how old are your dc?

Think you are better off on your own with your uncouth ds.

OP, as you see from other posters here, it is not your DP's duty to impose rules on your son. Please, leave this man alone. Don't move in with him. You don't like him. You don't like his mum. Is it just the security of his house that you need/want?

I think the OP has gone, until the next time she has a grievance at least.

My dad used to be away a lot. When he came back, he used to carry on about our lack of manners and impose a whole lot of ideas like the Family Meal, communal activities, helping in the garden. Invariably, these would end in a massive row over our behaviour - I remember one rage over my not knowing how to lay the table for a table for 5 courses! We were too scared to behave as your DS did and just used to sit and try not to attract criticism.

One day, my mum didn't put the top on the sauce bottle and, when he shook it, it went everywhere. We started to laugh and that resulted in another rage.

We dreaded him coming home, to be honest.

Just thought I'd let you know what you could well be in for a couple of years down the line...

Ah, the tyranny of eating at the table

Do people seriously think that family life will unravel if dinner is eaten on the sofa or- quelle horreur- the floor?

There are so many cultures where eating on the floor is the norm- do they somehow have lower morals than table-eaters?

Ridiculous.

PS: the "not his duty to impose rules on your son" is meant tongue in cheek. I believe if you are moving in together he has every right to discipline your child and lay down rules. However, I see others here believe differently. I don't see why this man would want to be a provider with no say or respect in his own home.

yy tethers

me and dh sit and read at the table and the dc watch telly with dinner on their laps. It's a moral catastrophe.

I do think wordfactor has a point though; you do shortchange your children if you teach them to look down on whatever is considered polite manners in your own society (from what I've heard cultures that eat with their fingers are often very meticulous about how this is done- because being able to do whatever is considered polite in your culture is a great advantage)

But this is clearly a small point compared with the basic incompatibility of these two people.

You don't like him, you think his likes and ways are dorky and ridiculous and if he tries to talk to you and your DC, you call it stupid crap.

Why are you thinking about moving in together?

I would be a bit pissed off if my dp imposed rules on my kids and criticised my parenting in front of them. However, living with someone is all about communicating (not just when there's a problem) and compromise. If he is to be part of your family then he should have some input.

OP and her dp don't sound ready to do that.

at Hully.

The poor little buggers don't stand a chance

We eat at the table, occasionally have picnics/on laps.

The problem with the OPs attitude is it would appear from her posts - her DCs are incapable of actually sitting through a simple meal at the table.