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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DP caused this argument and he's a knob

334 replies

CharlieBitMe · 07/06/2012 12:31

DP and I are moving in together in two weeks. He's suddenly decided that my kids need more "discipline" and "structure" so on the 4 nights a week he stays with us he's attempted to lay the law down about us having a "games night" Hmm where we play a board game and insisted that we all sit at the table to eat dinner. I'm really not happy about him trying to lay the law down like this and we had a small row about it and I said I would compromise by trying the meal at the table and would offer the kids the board game thing but not insist on it. So we're sat down at the table and it was really awkward and false. DP had "dressed for dinner" which I found absolutely hilarious and he tries starting shit conversations which all sounded so corny and sitcomish.
DS said something about "oh god, we're becomming one of those geeky families that think they're better than everyone else because they're smug" and DP snapped "well maybe it's about time you were aware of how you come across to others, there is nothing wrong with sitting at the table for a meal".
He was obviously implying that the kids had been dragged up and so I snapped and said he looked like a total dork in his "dinner wear" and he should stop thinking he was something wasn't. DS burst out laughing and DP snapped back "well if I'm a dork, you're a fishwife". DS again burst out laughing and I laughed along, it was quite funny. The dork and the fishwife. DP however sulked that it wasn't funny and he was just trying to be civilised "for once". For a laugh I agreed with him and asked DS to pass the caviare so DS flicked a load of mash at DP. It went all down his suit and I did tell him off and said he'd gone too far but DP was furious and stormed upstairs saying we were all beyond help.

AIBU to think that despite DS being naughty, the whole thing was caused by DP?

OP posts:
CeliaFate · 07/06/2012 12:46

He's new to this - he doesn't have kids. He's trying. Dressing for dinner sounds ridiculous to me, but from the way you talk about him you don't sound as though you like him or respect him. I know this is a snapshot of an isolated incident, but in this instance I think YABU.

Dropdeadfred · 07/06/2012 12:46

You sound like you have no respect for your dp

soveryhard · 07/06/2012 12:47

Well if you are eating on the sofa or the floor all the time then I think he is right.

They arent being taught manners or how to behave.

It will all backfire. How sad.

wordfactory · 07/06/2012 12:47

OP eating on the floor or sofa is just not a good idea.

You surely want your DS to appreciate food and what cooking involves? To have nice table manners? To be able to make proper conversations?

These are not dorky skills. These are just lovely things to have.

DuelingFanjo · 07/06/2012 12:47

so you won't be moving in with this loser now, right? Please tell me you have more sense than than?

CeliaFate · 07/06/2012 12:48

How old are your dc?

Ephiny · 07/06/2012 12:49

It seems a bit odd to dress up for dinner if it's just the family at home, but what is wrong with sitting at the table (where else would you eat?), or him trying to be friendly and engage the children in conversation?

It doesn't sound like any of you have much liking or respect for each other. The two of you calling each other names at the dinner table, and the kids throwing food at the adults Shock. Why are you moving in together? I can't see how it's going to work out well.

AnyoneForTennis · 07/06/2012 12:49

I'm off to look at any previous threads which may shed light..... It all sounds wierd

wordfactory · 07/06/2012 12:49

duelling why is he a loser just because he wants to eat at table and chat. And have a few rounds of Monoploly?

cory · 07/06/2012 12:49

Doesn't matter who was wrong - imho you both were - this is just never going to work.

He honestly thinks you are not good enough as you are, and you are prepared to join with your dc in making fun of him.

You feel uncomfortable with what is natural to him and he is uncomfortable with what is natural to you and neither of you is prepared to compromise and approach the matter in a way that is respectful of the other person.

Dead in the water.

MrsClown · 07/06/2012 12:50

For one thing, I would have done more than told my child off for flicking mashed potato at someone, no matter who it was. He would have been moved from the table and grounded etc etc. IMO I wouldnt want to move in with someone who had kids like that. My children are grown up now but they were always expected to eat at the table and not behave like chimps!

Also, I would never laugh along with a child at an adult.

By the sounds of things I defintely would not want to take on kids like that.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/06/2012 12:50

I think calling each other names, dork/fishwife is horrible in front of your children.

I also think eating at the table/games night are great things though how he went about it was a bit overbearing.

In truth you don't sound entirely compatible.

bejeezusWC · 07/06/2012 12:50

he sounds like a control freak masive red flags IMO

eating together/having family nights/ playing board games are all lovely, but a family member doesnt impose it on everyone else and enforce it and tantrum if it doesnt go as he wanted it

who dresses for dinner ffs????? mind you- who has caviar for dinner??

LentillyFart · 07/06/2012 12:50

Chucking food and drawing kind of smutty pictures on the walls? You DO sound rather common and badly brought up - both of you. Your DP may be being a bit of a knob but he sure as hell beats you in the decorum and manners stakes.

cricketballs · 07/06/2012 12:51

I'm struggling to understand why you thought the drawing on the wall was funny in your dp's house?

As others have said - eating at the table as a family is a very healthy habit. It is a time where you can all talk to each other without any distractions. I have always insisted on this (it took a while for dh to get used to it!), no tv, no phones, no toys (when dc were younger), no one leaves the table unless we have all finished. As we all have very busy lives it is a time I treasure.

We also had a board games night on Monday!

QuickLookBusy · 07/06/2012 12:51

Don't know the back story but from your op I think he was just trying to have a family meal. Nothing wrong with that.

However you both sound to have such different ideas on such basic things that unless one of you compromise your relationship is doomed.

CharlieBitMe · 07/06/2012 12:51

Its not all me. We went to a bird of prey sanctuary on Tuesday and there was this bit where you could hold owls and stuff. So we're stood there, all these little kids taking it in turns to put on the special glove and all of a sudden DP announces that he "is next" Hmm with that the kid took off the glove and this other little lad puts his hand out. DP shouted "oh! its not fair! I've been waiting ages!" oh my god I could have died. So this lad holds the owl, when he took the glove off DP literally pushed a load of kids out of the way to grab the glove and then fell over a pram causing a lot of tutting, swearing and name-calling from the parents.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes he can be great, other times - not so much.

OP posts:
bejeezusWC · 07/06/2012 12:52

bit of mash flicking' would be tolerated in our house OP Grin particularly if in response to the ridiculousness your OH tried to impose on ds

AllYouNeedIsAClickyBallpoint · 07/06/2012 12:53

On the back of this thread, I feel sorry for your dp.
Sounds like he was trying to make an effort, and do what normal families do and sit at a table to eat (really, it's not unusual or geeky to sit at a table to eat), and he gets laughed at.
It sounds like you have no respect for him, and you are encouraging your dc to have no respect for him.
It's not going to work, believe me.

mollymole · 07/06/2012 12:53

WHY do you not eat at the table on a regular basis. OK he called it wrong in his clothing, but what is wrong with eaing a meal together at the table and having a civilised conversation.
What do your kids usually do each evening to entertain themselves, do you think it is unusual for families to play board games together ?

QuickLookBusy · 07/06/2012 12:53

Oh god he sounds like he acts like a child.

Why are you bothering. Just carry on being single and then you won't have all this hassle.

bejeezusWC · 07/06/2012 12:53

Run for the hills charlie

sugarice · 07/06/2012 12:54

This set up sounds doomed, sorry Charlie. Are you giving up your house to move in with him?

DuelingFanjo · 07/06/2012 12:54

"well if I'm a dork, you're a fishwife" Loser

"He's suddenly decided that my kids need more "discipline" and "structure" Loser

The caviar thing was obviously a joke by the OP.

Her DP puts on all the airs and graces, the OP makes a joke about 'passing the caviar' the DS responds with a bit of tom-foolery, the OP's DP flips out and sulks.

Sounds like he is totally unprepared for what it is like to live in a family unit with messing about and so on. why he's agreed to them all moving in I don't know, and why the OP thinks it's a good idea to lose her independence by giving up her home to move in with someone who can't deal with the way her family interacts - sounds like madness to me.

taxiforme · 07/06/2012 12:54

Charlie

Is this for real, it's like a little Britain sketch.

I think your DP needs help.