to be shocked by the amount of Stepford wives on Mumsnet

[LoopyLoopsCorgiPoops]

So many women on here either this it's fine to do everything in the house and with the children, or don't think it's fine yet put up with it. I simply could not live with an adult who thought they were more important and more deserving of leisure time than me. Why do they all put up with it?

That pensions thing is scary wordfactory and catgirl, I didn't know that. I have similar views / fears catgirl. It's not just divorce, it's illness, injury, death etc. illnesses where you lose your job but don't get any insurance money.

When did I say I didn't have to work evenings or weekends?

I am the MD of a sizeable company.

I live 20 minutes away from my work. That's why I am home at 6pm.

I work around my family and I see my my and dh's roles as equal at home and at work whether paid or with dc.

I want to take dc to school (was written in to my contract - much to my CEO's surprise, this was my one big contractual requirement) and I want to take over for two hours when I get in.

But keep telling yourselves your dh can't do any of this stuff!!

OK, Proud, so you are working about 5 hours a day less than my DH is - he's generally out of the house 7.30 till 8.30 or 9, plus sometimes work at home in the evenings, plus intermittent travel including a few weekends. If he got home at 6, I might well feel differently, but I think he spends more time out of the house for the purposes of work than I spend working in or outside the home, if I am honest with myself, and I think a 13-14 hour working day gives him a free pass with the washing up.
If you are doing the same amount of work inside the home as your DH plus three times more paid work than he is, then it sounds to me as if you have the raw end of your particular deal - which is exactly the same position as I think my husband would be in if I expected him to do more of the home stuff than he does!

Look Proud - it clearly works for you and I assume you just don't sleep to do all you do in 24 hours.

But you know - for some of us there is another way. It doesn't make your way right or our way wrong - they're just different.

Well single parents working full time manage to work, see their kids, sort the house, cook, shop, and sleep, so I imagine proud does too!
The only difference maybe is that we don't always do it with a smile on our faces!

I think, on Mn, you tend to notice the people who are off your normal radar.

I am always astonished at the number of school fee-payers there seems to be on Mumsnet, as I know only a tiny number in my rl social circle.

Cor - how did I miss this thread. Agrees with Worra, Mrs C-B, AliceinSandwichLand and possibly many many others. I usually get flamed for saying that. DH works a lot harder and longer than me even though I also have a professional career. I therefore shoulder a lot more of the home stuff and that makes our input equal.

Whispers quietly - I also had eight years at home as a SAHM - and they were the easiest eight years of my life. >>>>>>shhhhhh

Yes but really how many single parents work 18 hour days at work without having substantial help from nanny/cleaner etc.

Really I just think if we're talking about a typical arrangment where someone comes in at 6pm mon-fri and doesn't have loads to do in the evening/weekends its just slightly different to someone who works an awful lot of hours.

But anyway - I'm happy with my own arrangements and Proud is happy with hers.

Proud, if I was doing what you were and my DH was a SAHD Id be doing a darn sight less than you are!

Doesnt sound as if he's pulling his weight to me!

Nope wrong again. It's a well oiled machine. Dh does tons round the house, house is spotless when I get home. I don't cook or iron or hoover - at all, ever. He doesn't take them to school, do bedtimes, wash sheets or clean bathrooms - at all, ever. I could go on but I won't as it would be bloody boring! It's actually not that hard you know.

And as NowThenWreck says millions of single mums manage a lot more!

My one and only point is men who work FT do not have the right or justification for opting out of domestic life, not if you want true equality.

seachange, sadly the same thing happened to a friend of mine - DH working long hours, out before the kids got up and home after they went to bed.

It is useful to know what the repercussions can be of living like that, that is not the same as 'judging' other people who choose to do it that way. It can be all too easy to 'factor out' a DH who works long hours I have always encouraged DH to 'feed' the DC as often as he can as I believe it is good for their relationship. Ditto getting up with them in the night and now that they are older taking them to an after school/early evening/weekend activity.

'Factoring in' a DH who WOH has always been part of my SAH role.

I used to work 12 hour shifts (nights and days) and generally had more time to cook than the ex.

It meant that I did more cooking than her, it only seemed fair.

It was also similar with the cleaning, but as she did nothing around the house cleaning wise it was always a bone of contention.

MrsCampbellBlack is right - nobody's right or wrong. If Proud wants to take her children to school and spend two hours with them in the evenings, as well as holding down a high powered job, then good for her, I think that's great (no sarcasm intended, completely sincere comment). But I am also an intelligent and competent woman who has chosen to spend most of my time in a different way. While my DH loves the children, he didn't feel the need to be hands on with them every day during the week when they were small, which I did - so it suited us both for me to do nearly all that stuff. Proud's DH obviously has a different outlook, and if that works for their family then it's excellent for them. However, I am entitled to be in a different setup if I want to be!

Dh is pretty good with the children. Has the energy and motivation to be really good with them.

They are as close to him as I am, although I spend more hours with them and cook early each night for them (I prefer it tbh). He does a good spaghetti on the weekend.

I love how we are living atm, but mostly as I get lots of free time to do what I need to do to be happy. So much better.

Alice, thanks, and you make a good point. Of course we all make our own choices and fuck anyone else who disagrees with those choices if we are happy with them.

I am saying that some women allow themselves to be blinded by high earning, FT working husbands and this myth that they can't be involved with the running of the home as they simply don't have time or are too tired.

My point was that I'm a high earning, FT working wife and not only do I think I should pull my weight at home, and want to, but also that it is perfectly manageable too!

Yes, but Proud (and others), there's being happy with your choices and then there is the benefit of hindsight .

MN is a huge array of case studies on a massive range of subjects.

I am in a similar situation to your Proud (our jobs are similar although I work a lot longer hours and DH is also a SAHD with his own PT business)

However, bar childcare, I do everything at home other than what the cleaner does

In fact it sounds as if your relaxation from the stress of work may be bathtime with your children, Proud, which is lovely. I don't think my DH found that relaxing, back in the day (I can't actually remember!), but that's not to say that he doesn't enjoy spending downtime at home in other ways, when he gets the chance. I think this actually boils down to the same conclusion as on another thread, that it's not about the actual arrangements of any given family so much as whether all parties concerned are willing and agreeable parties to the arrangement, whatever it may be. If someone's trying to talk themselves into believing they're happy with a relationship when they really aren't, that's never a good thing, whatever the situation, and of course there are all too many relationships where that's the case. At least MN gives us the chance to understand how others do things, as pickled says.

Why would you do all that Catgirl? What is your DH doing?

I'm just imagining if you were catboy writing that.

Surely the person at home does at hoeem work whilst, you know, at home?

For all of you advising posters not to 'care' how other people and internet strangers live, these 'strangers' are potentially the parents/grandparents of your future son or daughter-in-law and the values they will pass on. I think equality at home matters to all of us and forums like mumsnet are sometimes the best view on what's really happening behind closed doors (of normal families) outside of the movies.

ok, thread's moved on..

I am in a similar situation to proudnscary and my DH has an have equally responsible job. Both our careers require 60+ hrs per week but we are both equally responsible for the house/dc outside of nursery hours, it's not a gender thing its about being a partnership. And I agree with Proud - if it's important to you it's not that hard.

One of us (and usually both) is always home by 6,we usually both do teatime,bathtime and bed for both DC. Then we both work until midnight.it's not ideal but it's what we have to do to keep our family housed,fed etc.

Working fulltime is not so difficult that it preludes you from participating in your own family.

If you would bring your DD to be 'prochoice' regarding whether or not to have a career would you bring your DS the same way?

And I'm sure there are more people who have thought on their deathbed that they wish they had provided more for their family than there are people who wish they had spent more time doing housework.

Sorry, much too long post!

DP and I split the household chores but my sister has a full time job and does most of the household chores. She has quite a strong character and if you called her a stepford wife she would probably punch you in the face :)

Some women like to do everything for their DCs and DH. That's not me but I don't think there is anything wrong with that.