to be shocked by the amount of Stepford wives on Mumsnet

[LoopyLoopsCorgiPoops]

So many women on here either this it's fine to do everything in the house and with the children, or don't think it's fine yet put up with it. I simply could not live with an adult who thought they were more important and more deserving of leisure time than me. Why do they all put up with it?

Teamwork? Dh can earn more, i'd just be working to pay childcare, and while I enjoyed my career I enjoy looking after my kids more. Why am I financially dependent on my husband and seen to be in a poor position? All pensions,.mortgages, savings etc are joint. Who gives a toss if some sahm have cleaners? If they can afford it so what. I don't as I use the cash for other things, but have no issues with people allocating thier own money how they like. And the assumption that its all dh's money is madness.

Patron - I do get your point and its very important for me that I would be provided for if anything goes wrong in our relationship.

I think it's fine to divide chores/roles etc between a couple however they see fit.

However, when a man is working and this somehow precludes him from all responsibilities vis a vis the home and children, then that is not a division of chores/roles that any woman should be interested in.

Funnily enough, when a man is a SAHD this never seems to preclude the working woman from any responsibilities!!!!

HRHCatgirl, I see what you mean. I forget how unconventional we are, although dh is the only worker we have a LTD company of which we are both directors. I don't do any of the work but have invested a significant sum into it and have my own money besides. I am financially independant

I think you are probably in a minority morethan

I just have a fear of depending on someone for my income, (well I suppose I depend on my boss, but you know what I mean) which is clearly not the case with you.

It's stupid really because if our roles were reversed it would never enter DHs head to think of his income as anything other than "our" money, "family" money - not his. It's not like he would make me ask for housekeeping or exert any control. We just don't work like that so it's an irrational fear really.

If a man has the sort of out-of-the-house-for-13-or-more-hours job that many London workers do, then when the children are little they are going to be asleep by the time he gets home anyway, so it seems to me to be entirely reasonable that he should be able to relax at home for the hour or so he gets to be there on a weekday evening, if his partner is working shorter or no hours, without having to do chores. Or vice versa, if it's the woman that's working those hours, of course. When the children are all school age or older, the SAHP will have the option of quite a lot of leisure time during the day, so even if the SAHP is doing chores alone in the evenings, it doesn't mean they've not had time off at some other stage in the day.
I think the financial argument is more valid - personally I have a professional skill that I have always kept up to date - I don't currently earn enough money to make a huge contribution to household finances, but if I were on my own or otherwise needed to up my earnings, I could do so. I do think that's a potential problem for some women who completely stop work for a long time, though, and certainly my pension is pathetic - but to be honest, I don't worry about it, because I don't think the risk of divorce justifies the complete change in lifestyle I would need to up my own pension. It's a gamble I'm willing to take, personally; we all make choices of that sort about something or other, surely?

Alice it wouldn't necessarily be divorce I would worry about with a poor pension, it would be outliving my husband. Somehting most of us will do.

Being stuck on one half of a pension is the cause of huge misery for many older women thesed days.

I would advise any woman who cannot pay into a pension or whose DH pays in for her (a derisory amount is all that's allowed) to ensure that other ivestments/safeguards are made.

I agree Alice

When myslef and Dh decided to have a family both our lives changed. He left the relative comfort of a job as an employee with holidays, sc

Sick pay etc to set up on his own. His life changed, as did mine when I left work.

I can't live my life and be in my marriage thinking he may leave and we'd get divorced. If that ever happened, then I'd change my life, just as i/we did when we changed our lives and had three kids.

Sahm can be stressful, but so can a career. As long as its your choice I don't get why other people think you should live how they do. I don't see it as husband and wife roles.but the ones we agreed worked best for our family, as was decided together.

Wordfactory- couldn't agree more. I have lost count of the number of intelligent and capable women I know who erroneously assume that if their husband dies first (which statistically is more likely) they will automatically get his pension. They don't realise that the pension is attached to the earner and the employment. They may get a proportion of the value of it, but very few seem to be aware that they won't get it all and that they should have made their own separate provision. I can see this being a massive problem in coming years, what with all the other financial pressures generally

But I agree with Op if your roles at home cause problems then changes need to be made. Everyone has thier faults though.....

It makes me shudder when I here people talking about joint pensions etc!!!

Basically, if the pension holder dies, the survivor usually only gets one half. Occasionally two thirds.

And even if the wage eaner pays a pension for the non-earning spouse (somehting that happens rarely), the amount allowed is pathetic!!!

If a person is going to stop paying into a decent pension for amny years, they really really need other investments!

Tbh in the current climate with low interest and high cost of living it is difficult for people on a av. wage to effectively save for retirement. I have been out of paid employment for a few years and fully expect to go back when children at school. In what capacity/ income level I do not know, I also expect my income to be eaten up on on home improvements/ HE for 3 children and paying off mortgage before pension gets a serious look in.

I also expect to be working a lot longer than my parents generation, probably longer than dh with his civil service pension. That does not worry me. My mum is living on a state pension and small work pension from my dead Dad and a teeny income is not the end of the world.

As far as Stepford wives go.... meh.

If I could have one I would. I am a rubbish housewife, out on the lash too much, bit of a slattern and a terrible procrastinator. So if dh wants to plY on his computer instead of ignoring the ironing pile with me? Good luck to him.

Do android wifes dream of electric ovens?

In answer to an earlier post re no-one wishing on their deathbed that they had spent more time at work

Not sure many people die wishing they had spent more time dusting the skirting boards either

So true googlyeyes

Let's not wander off the topic here.

No-one (rational or reasonable) is seriously questioning each other's choices to work or stay at home.

It's about attitude. It's about some women believing or accepting that men don't have to take equal share of housework and looking after dc. Of course they bloody should. Working, looking after kids...both full time, both hard work, both different types of work for the family.

More fool any woman who buys the whole 'he works so hard he shouldn't have to work when he comes home'. Utter, utter bollocks.

I wish my DH would buy into it :)

But Proud - that's fine if you 'work' equal hours but quite a lot of us have said that's not the case. I get more free time than my DH without question its just at different times of the dayl

Proudnscary, if you mean that men should not be let off the housework just because they're men, all other things being equal, then I agree with you. If both partners work equal hours outside the home, then both partners should contribute in an equivalent way within the home, although I don't see why she shouldn't iron his shirts if he does something else of equal usefulness and time, such as cooking. I'm not saying all men get a free pass at home just because they are men, and I haven't seen anyone else say that either.

What lots of us are saying is that many of us are in relationships where the man does do so much work outside the home that we feel it would not be fair for him to do much work inside the home, certainly not on weekday evenings, because the two people in the couple are both happy with the decision that the wife, who works fewer or no hours outside the home, does that stuff at home instead. I don't think that's bollocks in that situation, I think that's fair!

We don't work equal (paid working) hours.

I work FT, earn three times his salary, three times his (paid working) hours so am out the house 9am-6pm.

He's SAHD with own PT business.

We don't think about who does what and who works what hours, we both have two kids, a house, social lives etc and we work equally on sorting all that out.

Alice - nope, it's still bollocks! We both still do the same amount of stuff with kids and the house, on balance - given school runs, housework, weekend arrangements, bedtime routines, middle-of-the-night dc dashes etc etc.

Look if my DH was home at 6pm and didn't have to work evenings and weekends I'd expect he did more at home but he isn't.

And you know if our roles were reversed I'd expect DH to do what I do.

Right Proud - so you get home at 8pm you eat your supper and then you have another 3 hours work to do - exactly when are you going to do the cooking/ironing etc? Its just not possible?

Anybody who starts a thread insulting goodness knows how many women when they know nothing of their circumstances, means to do just that - and they are an idiot.