not to want to buy BIL a new house?

[MoneyGrowsOnTrees]

Am a regular but have namechanged as my other posts would make me quite identifiable while the below is quite sensitive.

In a nutshell, AIBU to want to stay out of the financial arrangements for buying BIL a new house? Background is that BIL has a house, but has jacked in previous job and taken a new one about 2 hours' drive from where his existing house is, but near where PILs live. New job has started and he has moved in with the PILs. Plan is for him to buy a new house in the new location, but the existing house is not yet sold and realistically it will be three months or more before that happens. BIL is not the easiest person to live with (massive understatement), so current living arrangements are not sustainable.

MIL has seen a house that she considers perfect for BIL and is very keen to buy it, but, the PILs being elderly, it is difficult for them to raise a mortgage. BIL will have some money once his current house sells, but there is no saying when or how much that will be. BIL and PILs are not good at communicating, so at the moment there is a lot of stress and they are basically no longer talking to each other.

DH would like to avoid his family "imploding" and so would like to suggest that we take on the mortgage for BIL, on the understanding that BIL or PILs finance the repayments and that we fall out of the arrangements in 2-3 years' time.

I am very wary of all this as BIL has a very checquered financial history and I can see that we would be stuck with a mortgage on an unsaleable property in a part of the country not many people want to live in. Plus, BIL does not look after anything he owns, so any investment would be likely to depreciate rather than at least hold its value.

Also, if DH and I take on a second mortgage for this, it will mean we cannot move house (which we might want to do) and potentially could even affect our ability to provide for our children in the way in which we would like (and have been working hard for). However, DH does not see how we can avoid offering to help, given we both have good jobs and given that, one way or the other, we will have to provide for BIL (and/or PILs) when this all goes wrong.

I am also annoyed/concerned that nobody is talking openly to anyone about this, so, for example, nobody has had the courage to suggest to BIL that he cuts his coat according to his cloth (you know, not trying to buy a multi-bedroom house that he cannot afford and frankly does not need, given he is on his own) or that, for example, he rents somewhere while waiting for the existing house to sell. I can see that this would continue going forward.

AIBU to want to stay out of it all? And if IANBU, any suggestions as to how to achieve this diplomatically?

Good Good. NO NO NO NO.

The potential financial problems you could end up with don't bear thinking about.

I am so gobsmacked that i had to read this to my DH. I am sorry but these are his words of wisdom, verbatim:

Her husband seems a bit dim, and completely irresponsible. His responsibility is to his wife and children not the man-child he calls a brother. [Said to me] Please divorce me if I ever suggestion something so shite and destructive.

This is coming from a man who is generous to a fault. I am shocked your husband is so foolish as to suggest this. It will end so badly.

well, it could be you need to think about your DH's attitude being the product of his upbringing. If your PILs won't consider telling BIL he has to leave with X number of weeks and it's his problem to work out where he's going to go, that if renting is his only option, then he'll have to rent - then it could be they have an attitude that a problem for any member of the family is a collective problem to be solved, they don't see their house as theirs but that BIL has an equal right to their property unless he doesn't want it. Your DH could see this problem as not BIL's problem, but the family's and therefore all members of the family have a responsibilty to fix this.

While I don't agree with this, I can understand the mindset. But it only works if everyone feels the same - he needs to ask himself, if the situation was reversed, if say, you had been made redundant, would BIL remortgage his house, sell one of his various means of transport, empty his savings etc to pay your mortgage? Or would he make sympathic noises at best?

Whaaaat?? No way, YANBU! Please listen to everyone above - he needs to take responsibility for his life and he sounds like a spoilt brat. Make like Switzerland and stay neutral! He should rent something small until his house is sold and then he can do what he likes & live within his means. You got it spot on with point 4) above OP!

Your dh is certifiable if he thinks this will help in any way or form!!!!!!!

If he's determined, you have to get legal with it. Pay the very best solicitor you can find to draw up an agreement about how the entire thing would work ( and this would include how you BIL cares for it while he lives in it). Leave nothing to chance.

But actually, don't do it. Ever. At all.

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned, but cant your BIL rent his existing house out? And then use the money to rent/buy on his own?

I knew someone who did a similar thing to her parents. She decided she wanted to move to a new area, (no job move involved, she just fancied a change) but couldn't sell her house. She sulked and begged and whined until her parents agreed to buy the second house outright for her, with the proviso that they'd get paid back as soon as the first one was sold. (They'd paid for most of the first one as well, only about 2 years before, but that's another story.)

Anyway, after about a year of living in the new area, the first house still unsold due to being bought in the peak and back on the market in a slump, and sitting empty with no effort to rent it out, she decided she didn't like the new area much anyway, and wanted to move back to the first house. Which she did. Leaving the second house bought by her parents, at her insistence, redundant, empty, and on the market in a slump.

Some people just really need to feel my boot up their backsides.

If your bil couldn't afford to pay the mortgage on his existing house and buy a new house for himself, then there is no way he could pay the costs involved in you buying a house for him to live in. Do you really want to saddle yourself with an expensive mortgage payment, every month (and that's not even considering the tax implications) for this manchild?

Also, you can't count on his existing house selling any time soon or for the amount he would need in order to relieve you of this burden.

Can your dh do this without your consent? If not, then I would have no hesitation in saying no and that I wasn't prepared to risk my own family's financial security. And if your dh would do this against your will, then you have bigger problems than your ILs!

What if BIL dies, or changes his mind about the house, or meets a woman who doesn't want to live there, or gets made redundant? Or if you/dh has an accident/loses job? You would be well and truly up shit creek.

Where is your DH from? Is this a cultural thing (you look after the entire family).
It will end very badly no doubt.
Has he put his property on the market yet? I think he will probably have to rent out his house to pay the monthly mortgage payments and rent a flat with his salary.
How old is he?

He could sell his cars, to meet some of his expenses. Not sure why you are making financial sacrifices that BIL seems unprepared to make.

Run for your life from this, seriously. And your DH and family sound like nice people but utterly misguided - enabling BIL to be a spoiled child.

While this may be your DH's brother, it is all of your (your DH, you and your DC's money). Your DH cannot make a unilateral decision that will affect you all so badly. If you decide to do this you must be 100% behind the idea because when it fails (and it will) and your little family unit are suffering the financial fallout there will be recriminations. Will your marriage be able to stand it?

For the love of all things Holy. Do not do this. For sake of your children. Do not do this. For the sake of your marriage. Do not do this.

Madness. Sheer madness

Would your dh be willing to fund a house for your sibling?

It makes no financial sense whatsoever, with the potential to make a huge dent in your own finances and impact negatively your marriage/long-term plans. Sounds like your DH is well-meaning, cast himself in family hero mode but hasn't thought this one through.

I am just trying to imagine dh's reaction if I suggested buying my (single, childless, non-home-owning, not-terribly-good-with-money, very lovely) brother a house.

He would laugh very hard. And then, when he realised I wasn't joking, he would probably run me to a&e in case my brain had exploded.

No. No. No. And then a few more nos.

YANBU

It sounds like DH's family is seeing you as a cash cow to be milked. Time to face up and recognise that the family dynamic has changed. If you are 'the money' then you get to decide how it is spent.

Dont apologise, dont explain, just say no.

If you are up for buying people second houses then I'd quite like a little flat in the Balearics. Nothing fancy - couple of bedrooms and a sea view would be perfect!

Or maybe you should save for your own children instead....

No, you are not unreasonable, you are right to not feel this is a good idea in any way shape or form!

Just don't start, have conversations, present solutions or alternatives but don't allow it to happen, we did something like this and the family fracture from when we had to eventually stop is horrible and makes me feel sick when I think about it.

The whole family is facilitating his lack of control and responsibility for his finances, someone has to stop that

Have a large on me, you're going to need it but you are not wrong to feel like this!

"DH feels helping financially is the only solution"
He is wrong. It really is that simple. There are alternatives, mainly involving your BIL behaving like the adult his birth certificate says he is.

"[BIL] has an illness that is not going to go away and that might well mean he cannot work full time at some stage in the future."
All the more reason for BIL to be knuckling down now and preparing himself and his finances for such a future. Being financed now in the way your DH proposes will be detrimental in the long run. Your BIL needs to consider whether he could afford this 'perfect' house (according to MIL - ha!) when he's no longer full-time.

"However, DH does not see how we can avoid offering to help, given we both have good jobs and given that, one way or the other, we will have to provide for BIL (and/or PILs) when this all goes wrong." (my bolding)
I'm really not following this. Why, exactly, will you have to provide for them?

You mention 'coming off the mortgage' in '3 years or so'. Really? Your DH knows for sure that (a) BIL would qualify for the mortgage and that (b) he'd actually do it and sign the papers freeing you?

Because I don't see it and basically you'll be stuck with this mortgage forever.

Plus I hope for your sake that if you're name is on the mortgage then your name will also be on the deeds and not BILs ????

As everyone else has already said do NOT do it! My sister let a 'friend' put his car finance in her name for similar reasons and four years on after lots of stress, solicitors letters and finally the small claims court she has only just got her money back, DO NOT DO IT!

Help him rent a bedsit (ground floor with garden access if his illness requires it) perhaps by helping fund a rental deposit. Organise family therapy if he can't get along with his parents.

Don't buy a house for him! Not unless you can genuinely afford to fund it outright with NO strings attached, without risking your own financial security (you said you were comfy NOT lottery winners!).

By financial security I do mean remembering that we are all just one crash or serious illness away from disability ourselves, so unless you are 100 % water tight sure you can fund another mortgage for 25+ years + shoulder all repairs etc in that time no matter what - walk away! YOUR kids come first, and in the current climate even the most previously secure positions are bcoming redundancy targets.

We all want to help family, but sometimes helping does not equal enabling if that makes sense. You can help by physically shifting/packing boxes and in all sorts of ways without tipping your own family down the plug hole in the process. If he's a difficult personality you can guarantee the loan will go wrong at some point and not only will DH' family implode but your marriage will too, as a direct consequence.

For the love of god DON'T burden yourself- it sounds like it can only end one way = badly.

I'm all for helping him out, maybe providing deposit for a property to rent or similar but absolutely would not compromise my financial affairs for anyone other my DC.
I know you said you both have good jobs and therefore good wages but OP, you both work hard for YOUR family, they come first not financing BIL new place.
Hard place to be in I'm sure but speak with your DH and tell him no.

yanbu, your husband is being incredibly stupid and reckless. I hope you refuse to jepordise your family's security. You should never lend money that you can not comfortably afford to lose, your bil sounds like the type of person who will never pay it back. Hardly surprising considering how his family think it's their responsibility to buy him a house, he's been raised to believe its everybody elses responsibility too.

I would tell your husband that if he wants to buy bil a house, he can do it by himself and go live with him while you get a divorce.

''we will have to provide for BIL (and/or PILs) when this all goes wrong''

why?? I don't understand.

Tell them NO and say you are unwilling to be flexible as you are thinking of moving yourselves and also need to provide for your children in the future and don't want to be put at risk. Explain that you are unwilling to discuss the matter and that is your final decision. Suggest that he buys a small house he can afford by himself as he has no family and only needs one or two bedrooms max.

Helping BIL/FIL would help his family not implode but your family would implode and be at risk instead.