not to want to buy BIL a new house?

[MoneyGrowsOnTrees]

Am a regular but have namechanged as my other posts would make me quite identifiable while the below is quite sensitive.

In a nutshell, AIBU to want to stay out of the financial arrangements for buying BIL a new house? Background is that BIL has a house, but has jacked in previous job and taken a new one about 2 hours' drive from where his existing house is, but near where PILs live. New job has started and he has moved in with the PILs. Plan is for him to buy a new house in the new location, but the existing house is not yet sold and realistically it will be three months or more before that happens. BIL is not the easiest person to live with (massive understatement), so current living arrangements are not sustainable.

MIL has seen a house that she considers perfect for BIL and is very keen to buy it, but, the PILs being elderly, it is difficult for them to raise a mortgage. BIL will have some money once his current house sells, but there is no saying when or how much that will be. BIL and PILs are not good at communicating, so at the moment there is a lot of stress and they are basically no longer talking to each other.

DH would like to avoid his family "imploding" and so would like to suggest that we take on the mortgage for BIL, on the understanding that BIL or PILs finance the repayments and that we fall out of the arrangements in 2-3 years' time.

I am very wary of all this as BIL has a very checquered financial history and I can see that we would be stuck with a mortgage on an unsaleable property in a part of the country not many people want to live in. Plus, BIL does not look after anything he owns, so any investment would be likely to depreciate rather than at least hold its value.

Also, if DH and I take on a second mortgage for this, it will mean we cannot move house (which we might want to do) and potentially could even affect our ability to provide for our children in the way in which we would like (and have been working hard for). However, DH does not see how we can avoid offering to help, given we both have good jobs and given that, one way or the other, we will have to provide for BIL (and/or PILs) when this all goes wrong.

I am also annoyed/concerned that nobody is talking openly to anyone about this, so, for example, nobody has had the courage to suggest to BIL that he cuts his coat according to his cloth (you know, not trying to buy a multi-bedroom house that he cannot afford and frankly does not need, given he is on his own) or that, for example, he rents somewhere while waiting for the existing house to sell. I can see that this would continue going forward.

AIBU to want to stay out of it all? And if IANBU, any suggestions as to how to achieve this diplomatically?

Oh, and BIL can rent out existing house and rent one where he is going to work whilst he waits for property market to improve (prob never but don't tell him or PIL).

No way. Absolutely not. The potential for disaster is huge. Why can't your bil rent a small place until the house is sold? I really wouldn't do it.

Would your BIL do the same for you if you shoe was on the other foot?

This situation is of his own making, no one is forcing to make a (very poorly organised) move- he's difficult to live with so the ILs want YOU to get a second mortgage for him? On what planet is this a reasonable request???

I'm going to say it- ENTITLED.

RUN LIKE THE WIND

What they ^ said

Oh hell no, don't even go there. We did it, big mistake. We no longer have any contact with that part of the family. We finally got our money back, minus interest.

The tactful way to approach this: "Um, no fucking way are we buying a house for your brother."

He thinks that arrangement would stop the family imploding? I think it would guarantee it.

I'd be very surprised if you could get a mortgage on another house with a non paying tenant anyway and you'd need to find the deposit. Why can't he just rent, he could always rent out his old house to cover the mortgage there if it isn't selling.

Thank you everybody: good to hear nobody thinks I am being selfish and that we should just buy BIL a house.
Someone asked if BIL has special needs. Not quite: he has an illness that is not going to go away and that might well mean he cannot work full time at some stage in the future. However, his current situation is not due to that, it is due to years of financial irresponsibility and of buying toys rather than paying a mortgage. Even now, he moans about being hard up but continues to run multiple means of transport and insists he has to have a house (not a flat) with a garden, etc.

DH says we cannot let him be without somewhere to live, but I do not think buying him a house is the solution. Have suggested renting to DH but nobody is brave enough to suggest this to BIL- so to avoid that unpleasantness the suggestion is to buy him a house. Is it not barking mad??

Why can't he rent a room/bedsit/studio flat somwehere? runaway fast.

Totally barking mad - your DH wants to buy someone a house to avoid having a frank discussion with them! YANBU!

Defiantly don't get involved. Bils problem not yours. You would be mad to get involved in any way.

If you take out the mortgage then the house will be in your name and he will become a tenant. trying to get a second mortgage on a second property isnt as easy as it sounds. you talk about transferring it to him in a few years. sorry you cant do that. you will have to pay stamp duty and depending on how long you have owned it CGT. This starts to involve you in a potentially large tax liability which no doubt neither he nor anyone else will pay. in the meantime, it is your debt not his. In a couple of years time, will he pay market value or what you paid for it. no mortgage company is going to be happy with this arrangement. what if in the meantime you and he fall out and he is living in a your second house rent free. You dont say how old BIL is but unless he is under 18 then really he needs to sort this out himself with his PIL. My experience is that financial arrangements with members of the family that you know are profligate never work out well and will be the cause of numerous arguments for years and years to come. take the initiative. speak to BIL and PIL together and say no and why. get some good tax advice on the above and take it with you so that they can see. this is a house for goodness sake not a couple of hundred quid to tide him over.

Do you usually let your dh decide what he is going to spend your joint money on? My answer to this would be NO. If your dh continues to be a twunt about it then I would point out to him that he would be living with bil in future...

I wouldn't do it. The potential for things to go wrong is massive.

I would happily be the bad guy who refused to put her name to anything! assuming your husband wouldn't be able to proceed without you?

Good God. You should NOT risk your financial stability on somone who doesn't even care about his own. He can rent. You can't be pressurised into entering into something as massive as a mortgage just because it will be awkward to suggest he rents? Tell PIL they have to tell him.

Say you can't do it, so then it becomes back to being BIL and PIL's problem, not yours. Refuse to get involved. If PIL won't throw him out/force him to grow up, then they are stuck with the rods they made for their own backs.

Oh for goodness sake!

BIL is an ADULT. Your PIL are ADULTS. It his problem if he has to work 2 hours drive from home. It's PILs fault if they let the arse stay with them.

DO NOT GET INVOLVED! I cannot even see how this wouldn't go tits up with you and DH ending up divorced.

I agree with those that have said that this would not prevent the family from imploding, it would only put more at stake if/when it happens.

You need to stress to your DH that this would not do BIL a kindness. It would just put the whole family into danger of a huge financial (and likely emotional) fallout. I get that he wants to be a 'good' brother and son. But it really isn't appropriate and won't help him or their parents anyway.

It would be a bad idea even if his house was under offer, he kept excellent care of everything, his finances were in great order and there were no communication problems. In light of the actual circumstances, its a terrible idea.

If he wants to be a good brother/son, appropriate things to do are:

• encourage communication between parents and brother
• help brother find somewhere to rent
• help brother move boxes of stuff once he finds somewhere
• offer advice on how to make the old house more sellable/rentable
• encourage brother to seek financial advice on what he can afford to buy/rent in the new area
• sympathise with parents/brothers situation but let them work it out themselves

Meanwhile, he ought to concentrate on being a 'good' husband and father. Which means respecting your opinion and seeking appropriate legal and financial advice before doing something that is so potentially damaging. I doubt you'd get the mortgage if you were telling the truth about the situation.

You don't need to help out financially to help out - you can be there emotionally as family and offer sensible advice.

Get your DH to read every post in this thread, seriously, he needs to hear outside opinions.
I want to tell him that when it all goes wrong you will not be obliged to make arrangements for BIL. Either BIL will have to do it or he will have to throw himself on the mercy of the council.

Even if you were from a culture where traditionally this would be fine- and I say this because I am- this is not on!!! Unless there are specific circs which we don't know about eg health issues.

Gravy: that's it. I am concerned this will go tits up and put a strain on our marriage. But surely refusing to do it also puts a strain on family relations (either between us and ILs or, worse, also between DH and me)?
How on earth can we stay out without appearing mean? We both have good jobs and have no money worries so I am concerned that to ILs we might look rich enough to do this without blinking. BIL in particular hates our sector and probably thinks we swim in money like uncle Scrooge. And I am wondering what's the point of being careful and saving wherever possible if we just then end up financing his profligacy...

Even if your DH is not a mean type and would happily do the same for your sibling, I am going to say steer clear.