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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tight Wad friend and Street Party dilemma - quick advice please, have to go soon!!

196 replies

VonHerrBurton · 04/06/2012 12:19

Local-ish street party starting in about half an hour. All lovely stuff planned for dc all around same age (8 9 10 11) Next door neighbour and I with our dc who are good friends, planned a couple of weeks ago to attend, my dh is at work all day as is her dp. Or so I thought. She rocked up about 20 mins ago, said she fancied some kid free time with dp who is off, dumped her 2 (excited beyond belief) dc with me and legged it.

We have to take our own food, drink, seats etc, I was just planning on nipping to Tesco then going straight there with my one dc (street party not actually on our street, a mile or so away) So now they've disappeared and I am ROYALLY pissed off. I'm guess I'm going on my fucking own with 3 kids and now I'm expected to feed and water them. I asked her about food when we spoke about it a couple weeks ago and she seemed a bit miffed that we 'had' to take stuff, she's the type who'd bring a bottle of cheapo wine and drink all the Chablis at parties.

I have to take them and cater for them, don't I? WWYD?

OP posts:
cinnamonnut · 04/06/2012 23:20

Hoping for an exciting update Grin

Boysrstupid · 04/06/2012 23:35

Just checking in for update.

Original poster
VonHerrBurton · 04/06/2012 23:49

Ok. So. Didn't hide/overdose with sugar/teach swear words/offer cigarettes or wine/take anyone up on kind offer of a textfest....!!

Dropped them back at about 6, then went to my sister's for dinner hence late reply - but thank you all so much for your advice, a lot of which I used when I had The Conversation.

Her dp had gone home (they don't live together) She asked, breezily, if I'd like a coffee. Stayed calm, kids went into the garden. She had an answer for everything. When I asked why she decided to let me down when we had made arrangements, leave me with her dc and not answer her phone/respond to texts she made an attempt to laugh it all off, something like 'Aww love! I'm sorry! Didn't think you'd mind x, y and z (friends) were going to be there, dp's had overtime which was changed last night, god, didn't think it was a biggie! Didn't have my phone with me'...bla bla flaky flaky.

I said I was really hurt and that I feel she's treated me like a mug. I told her that her kids ate a lot, not just stuff I bought but wandered around grazing from all the other tables as well. As it happens, I needn't have worried about food, there was enough to feed a hungry army but that's not the point and I didn't tell her that. She got a bit huffy and said 'fgs, you shouldn't have bought anything - they ate before they went, they were probably just being greedy. I'll give you some money if you're that bothered' I said that actually, yes, that would be appreciated. She mumbled something about not having any cash and she'd see me tomorrow.

It all got very awkward and she made me feel like I was making a mountain out of a molehill. That's it really. Didn't want a screaming match - she thinks it wasn't a big deal, I do. I told her how I feel, she feels differently.

OP posts:
TheFarSide · 04/06/2012 23:53

Well, thanks for the update and well done for telling her how you felt. She sounds very dismissive of your feelings though and isn't someone I'd call a friend.

Flisspaps · 04/06/2012 23:56

Sadly her reaction was predicted by several on this thread.

I'd think twice about the friendship tbh.

Nanny0gg · 04/06/2012 23:56

Glad you told her how you really felt.
As she was so dismissive about your feelings it pretty much sums up how much of a friend she is.

Don't hold your breath waiting for money, will you?

Original poster
VonHerrBurton · 04/06/2012 23:58

You're right. FarSide. She's a neighbour first, friend second and tbh, not someone I'd lose sleep over, and I'm not going to, there are lots of lovely people in my life who I slagged her off to at my sister's tonight wouldn't dream of treating me the way she did. Although it may seem so, I'm not a doormat, far from it, I just got caught up in her selfishness and it won't happen again.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 04/06/2012 23:59

It's good that you told her how you feel - it's not a big deal for her, because she wasn't the one who got dumped on. It's always good to say what's on your mind, otherwise you stew and continue to feel like a doormat.

If she doesn't 'get' it, then it's because she doesn't want to. She will in future, not do this to you again, so a good result.

2rebecca · 05/06/2012 00:01

She's not a friend and is best dumped. If I thought a friend had felt I'd taken advantage of them I'd be really upset and apologetic. She was just defensive and uncaring. Stuff her.

Babylon1 · 05/06/2012 00:02

Still not too late for a textfest op!!! Grin

QuintessentialShadows · 05/06/2012 00:03

She has no manners. What a rude ignorant woman she is.

Angelico · 05/06/2012 00:03

Drop this cheeky pisstaking bitch like a stone.

Seriously. Don't be a mug about this. Unless she grovels and makes some kind of grand gesture do not associate with her any more. No need to be dramatic, just back off until she gets the message.

She was cheeky doing what she did but if you had explained your feelings and received a sincere apology I might have marked her card but given her the benefit. But the fact you explained how you felt and she didn't take it on board at all shows that she is childish and selfish and unable to face up to the inappropriateness of her actions.

If you let her away with this you are a complete doormat and deserve what you get. "Once, shame on her, twice shame on me" and all that.

But well done on challenging her, especially if you found it tough going. Don't let your good work go to waste.

Angelico · 05/06/2012 00:04

Xposted OP - so from what you've said she'll be no great loss to your life :)

Tiddlyompompom · 05/06/2012 00:07

Karma's right, she knows it's shitty but doesn't care, otherwise she would have apologised. She seems to be one of those people who think their time is more important than yours, so no point being polite/subtle.
Well done for being honest with her, I suspect all future requests from her will be met with a firm "No"!

clam · 05/06/2012 00:29

I would be absolutely livid at this, and even more so at her blase attitude afterwards.
"She feels differently?!" Angry This isn't about a difference of opinion. She dumped her kids on you without permission and you're cross about it. End of story. You don't need her to agree with you, it's the way it is.

Now dump her. I would never speak to her again. Someone with those character traits will be no loss.

manicbmc · 05/06/2012 00:52

She drops an afternoon with her kids to spend it with her bf? Well rid and poor kids Sad

diddl · 05/06/2012 07:14

She´s not a friend, is she?

So her partner is a boyfriend & not the kis father?

And she dumped them for him?

What a selfish bitch.

Makes you feel sorry for the kids.

I´d dump her also.

Hope the kids can all stay friends.

aethelfleda · 05/06/2012 07:44

Can I just say *well done OP" for your kindness towards the children.

When those kids are in their thirties they will be nattering about jubilee memories on the retimal implant version of Mumsnet, and will remember that their mum buggered off for the afternoon but their lovely neighbour took them to a cracking street party. I bet they are happy that you took them. So have a warm fuzzy for your actions.

FoofFighter · 05/06/2012 07:58

what aethelfleda said :)

StealthPolarBear · 05/06/2012 07:59

I cannot stand it when people do Tje "you're overreacting" routine. I bet she used the words "lighten up" or "uptight". I hope you'll be frostily polite with her from now

scubastevie · 05/06/2012 08:21

I think you should do what was suggested earlier, dump your child on her today in the same run away manner and see how she likes it!

gettingeasier · 05/06/2012 08:30

Well done for saying all that. Honestly some people really have no shame at all. I agree I expect you are glad you did the right thing taking the DCs rather than letting it all ruin the street party.

I would be politely avoiding her as being a neighbour you dont want a bad smell lingering any longer than necessary and I think like she sounds like she could be quite unpleasant.

carabos · 05/06/2012 08:56

Well done OP - she knows it was a big deal and thought she would get away with. Rest assured you have made her extremely uncomfortable.

I'm not in any way surprised to learn that the DP is not her DCs' father, I had a small bet with myself that that would be the case when I read your OP yesterday.

Seriously, the most worrying thing about this scenario is that she put her own needs ahead of everyone elses's her kids and no decent parent does that. It is a common marker for neglect/abuse and social services take it pretty seriously (Karen Matthews anyone?).

I would be keeping quite a close eye on things and be prepared to make a report if you think things are deteriorating - this boyfriend is more important to her than her children and she is likely to take unacceptable risks in order to please (keep) him.

DogEared · 05/06/2012 09:09

Bloody hell, well done you! Especially for not taking your frustrations out on her children. She sounds like she needed to be told, and you did it in such a grown-up way.

pigletmania · 05/06/2012 09:11

What a pisstaker, hopefully she wont try something like that again.

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