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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is passive-aggressive hatred?

127 replies

MusicfromHeaven · 03/06/2012 21:18

It was my birthday last month and I'm still really bothered by this.

i'm on a really strict diet as my weight has really rocketed since DD3, for about 3 months. I told everyone not to get my Easter eggs, even the kids, and just had little stuff instead.

I've cut out all chocolate, cakes, cheese and just eat healthy stuff. I am doing exercise too, swimming twice a week and Pilates.

My friend bought me 2 big bars of chocolate for my birthday. Not wrapped up, just in a carrier bag.

He said just something about you can't live without chocolate, can't remember his exact words as i was trying to act pleased

AIBU to think this is actually really passive-aggressive and means actually he hates me?

OP posts:

skybluepearl · 03/06/2012 23:35

it's either thoughtless or sabotage.

Lilithmoon · 03/06/2012 23:47

Wow harsh responses :(
If he was a close friend this is like buying an alcoholic an drink, offering a fag to to recent quitter ime.
Well done with your efforts so far OP, don't worry about 'falling off the wagon'. Try and put it behind you.

hopkinette · 04/06/2012 02:36

OP I really don't mean this in a horrible way but do you have any MH issues? I have bipolar disorder and occasionally I get very slightly paranoid and read malicious motives into people's behaviour that really aren't there. Based on what you've said here, I don't think your friend was being malicious or trying to sabotage you. I think he very probably simply does not realise how hard you have to struggle not to eat things you "shouldn't." You say there are other things he's done that reinforce your suspicions that he's deliberately being a dick though, so I could well be wrong.

HeathRobinson · 04/06/2012 02:43

Agree with skybluepearl.

Zondra · 04/06/2012 04:19

This reply has been deleted

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lovebunny · 04/06/2012 08:40

my ex husband bought chocolate, ice-cream etc every time i started a diet and constantly moaned about my size.
sack the 'friend'. he feels better when you're fat. you don't need that.

HecateTrivia · 04/06/2012 08:48

Wow, you've taken quite the beating here, haven't you?

I don't think it's likely your friend was being horrible. It's far more likely that they thought MusicFromHeaven is on a diet, she's been really strict, it's her birthday, I know what she'd like - a bit of a treat. Cos she's been dieting.

[boggle] I know. But people do think like that.

Original poster

MusicfromHeaven · 04/06/2012 10:04

Hey Zondra it's been a really long time since I was last told to "shut the fuck up", I think both me and the other girl were about 12 at the time. I've forgotten how refreshing it is.

OP posts:

Original poster

MusicfromHeaven · 04/06/2012 10:05

Hecate, yeah, I kind of noticed that! Perhaps it's my fault for wanting advice on a sensitive interpersonal relationships issue on AIBU on the Sat night of Jubilee Weekend!

OP posts:

Journey · 04/06/2012 10:15

If the op can't stop herself from eating chocolate when it is in the house then she hasn't changed her eating habits. She might be losing weight but it is all short term. She didn't need to scoff the lot. That was her choice. However, it is easier to blame someone else (like the person who gave her the chocolate) than face up to this fact.

MarquiseOfMelburnia · 04/06/2012 10:23

I would have said thankyou, looked in the bag, laughed good naturedly and said "awww, no... you know I'm on a strict diet so you'd better help me eat this then, I'm only having a little bit as a treat" and left it at that.

What's with the overanalysing and the drama?

clams · 04/06/2012 10:26

You hate yourself for eating the chocolate. Rather than deal with that you have built up your (most-likely a bit thoughtless) friend into a monster. If you are still upset a month later that someone bought you chocolate and you ate it then I think you need help with your attitude to food and how it impacts on your mental health and perspective. Unless your friend has a history of undermining you then give him the benefit of the doubt. Good luck with your diet.

HildaOgden · 04/06/2012 12:07

The op said that there had been other incidents too

ll31 · 04/06/2012 12:35

He gave you choc - possibly a bit htoughtless cos you're on a diet but hey maybe he forgot, maybe he htought diets don't count on birthdays (I think that), maybe he's not completely in tune with every single thing in your life despite being a friend (lots of really good friends are like this).. and you decide that he's being passive aggressive - I actually really don't get this and think a) you're investing far too much time into thinking about a truly minor thing, or b) you feel hugely guilty for eating said chocolate and are unfairly taking it out on him or c) you have some issues in terms of expressing how you feel eg when you feel hurt etc not necessarily having anything to do with this friend - - - anywya hope you enjoyed chocolate and are in better form today

Mayisout · 04/06/2012 12:45

Could be they forgot it was your bday and just grabbed something at the last minute.
But anyone who buys me giant bars of mundane makes of chocolate has it chucked in the bin when they leave. I like chocolate but it is full of fat and calories so I only eat quality stuff. So if they can't stretch to something decent it is binnned (goes for ferrero rocho and that sort of sickly gunk too).

Leverette · 04/06/2012 12:46

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Thumbwitch · 04/06/2012 12:46

I think PA hatred is a bit strong, but it's certainly a bit dubious. IMO it's the equivalent of tempting someone with a cigarette when you know they're trying to give up, or a pint/ glass of wine when you know they are stopping drinking.

I always think people do this because of "tall poppy syndrome" - they can't stand the idea that you're trying to better yourself so try to cut you down to size again.

Whatever else it is or isn't, it's certainly very unsupportive and I don't think it's the mark of a good friend.

SCOTCHandWRY · 04/06/2012 13:07

I've cut out all chocolate, cakes, cheese and just eat healthy stuff. I am doing exercise too, swimming twice a week and Pilates.

I've not read the whole thread, but TBH, I think this comment illustrates where your real problem lies, and it's not with your friend, it's your attitude towards food.

You will NEVER stick to a "diet" or keep weight off long term if you cut out all the food you like. It took me 15 years of yo-yo dieting to finally crack that truth (weight now been off for almost 6 years). I each chocolate EVERY DAY because it's bloody lovely. But I eat a lot less of it. Same with cheese, cake etc, I stopped eating low fat versions of cake, cheese, deserts because they taste awful - I'd rather have the desert I really want, and eat half of it, or have it once a week instead of twice.

Denying yourself doesn't work - leads to binging and coming off your diet altogether. It's better to lose a pound a month by making small changes and keep it off, than lose 10lbs a month and pile it back on and some extra too!

HecateTrivia · 04/06/2012 13:12

Yeah, you need the MN 'I've Been Flamed And Lived' T-shirt.

I've got them in red, yellow, pink, green, purple and orange.

I just need the one in blue and I'll have the full set

SCOTCHandWRY · 04/06/2012 13:15

Whoops I read my post and it sound harsh - was supposed to be useful advice not flaming, honest!

Original poster

MusicfromHeaven · 04/06/2012 13:39

Hecate, I'll take mine in pink, please!

Scotch, not harsh but sadly, absolutely spot on. Was really pleased with myself and had lost over a stone but am now really struggling and weight is going in the wrong direction Your advice is good though, I think I need to get back on the horse but possibly with a slightly different attitude.

TBh, wanted the thread to be more about the friendship. I've just had a bad feeling that things are not right between us and our friendship is dying. this is one of a few incidents that have contributed to this bad feeling. I just wanted to sound out others about what, if anything, this present would say about our friendship. I don't want to start talking with him about issues in our relationship if it's all just in my mind. However, this thread has shown there are many possible interpretations and I can only judge against the rest of behaviour in RL. (so i'm not much better off, although I have now got better dieting advice )

OP posts:

diddl · 04/06/2012 13:51

Wonder why the need was felt by him to buy two big bars?

yellowraincoat · 04/06/2012 13:53

To be honest, I can't imagine any of my friends being so involved in my life they would think to do this.

I can't imagine any of them particularly caring I was on a diet or otherwise.

Maybe I just don't have very close friendships, but part of that is that at the first sight of boundary over-stepping and I am off. Not into people being overly-involved in my life.

Original poster

MusicfromHeaven · 04/06/2012 13:54

diddl, again, that's part of it. There was a lot of chocolate. If I had managed to be sensible and eat it a bit at a time, it would have probbably taken me 3 months!!!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/06/2012 13:58

It was only 2 big bars chucked in a carrier bag

I doubt he felt any kind of 'need'...just a mad dash to the shop on the way to visit the OP.

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