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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is passive-aggressive hatred?

127 replies

MusicfromHeaven · 03/06/2012 21:18

It was my birthday last month and I'm still really bothered by this.

i'm on a really strict diet as my weight has really rocketed since DD3, for about 3 months. I told everyone not to get my Easter eggs, even the kids, and just had little stuff instead.

I've cut out all chocolate, cakes, cheese and just eat healthy stuff. I am doing exercise too, swimming twice a week and Pilates.

My friend bought me 2 big bars of chocolate for my birthday. Not wrapped up, just in a carrier bag.

He said just something about you can't live without chocolate, can't remember his exact words as i was trying to act pleased

AIBU to think this is actually really passive-aggressive and means actually he hates me?

OP posts:

scarletforya · 03/06/2012 22:07

Hmmm, difficult one. I think 'hatred' is a bit strong.

But on the other hand to me 2 bars of chocolate in a carrier bag is an insult as a 'gift'. Something you buy in a newsagent can't really qualify as a 'gift' and chocolate is one of the most thoughtless excuses for a present ever. It's no better than giving someone a can of beans or a newspaper and even worse if they're on a diet.

I hate getting chocolate as a 'gift' and I'm very low maintenance. But as a 'gift' it just says, thoughtless, one-size-fits-all, last minute, afterthought. And in a carrier bag. Bad effort.

I'd rather have a bottle of Cava, it's probably the same price but at least it's slightly less insulting.

knowitallstrikesagain · 03/06/2012 22:08

Friend could easily stand to lose a few pounds

Bitchy. If I were him I am starting to think I would have done it on purpose!

nutellaontoast · 03/06/2012 22:08

I don't think he hates you OP - I think he liked you the way you were and was worried about you changing. Hence the sabotage.

Hope you can put it behind you and get back on the wagon

CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 03/06/2012 22:11

Perhaps your friend knew you've been working hard and being good and felt you deserved a break?

Do you really think he'd care enough about your weight to think "I'll sabotage her diet by getting her chocolate! I hope she gains it all back!"

Why would he do that?

And also, the fact they were just in a bag says to me heat have forgotten to get you something and grabbed whatever he could.

Rabbitee · 03/06/2012 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KitchenandJumble · 03/06/2012 22:13

Good heavens. You think he hates you because he gave you some chocolate? That's quite a leap.

YABU. Unless you were reminding him daily of your resolve not to eat chocolate, it's entirely possible he forgot. And if you were issuing daily reminders (which would be a problem of an entirely different sort, I'd say), he still might have thought you would appreciate a treat.

Hexenbiest · 03/06/2012 22:15

IME people who have a lot of weight to lose but don't want to can and do try and sabotage others diets.

I've found that within my family and with wider acquaintances. It like if you can't succeed they don't have to try. I'm talking stones not pounds by the way.

People also say well it just one - well in my case in kicks of massive carving so it very very hard to be just one. I know a lot of people can't seem to understand this or refuse to accept it but I know others who find the same.

HildaOgden · 03/06/2012 22:24

I don't think he hates you,but yes...I think he gave it to you deliberately.He could well be jealous/resentful of you doing well and making the positive changes re diet and exercise.

Most dieters have to encounter at least one person who tries to sabbotage their diet.Learn from it,if any more chocolate temptation comes through the door,flush it down the loo.

nutellaontoast · 03/06/2012 22:27

I remember an anecdote about an ex-alcholic, his family were all still over-indulging, and they'd be pushing and pushing for him to have a drink, get offended if he didn't partake etc.

Maybe they felt he was judging them, being a miserable bastard, showing them up, taking the moral high ground, spoiling their party etc. but the point is it's not neccessarily a nice thing to do. To normal people, offering a drink persistently is OK as they can laugh it off, to someone with a drink problem it's not alright really. And you have a problem with food - I don't really see that it's that different, he wanted to sabotage you to get things back to "normal." All a bit crabs in a bucket really.

WorraLiberty · 03/06/2012 22:32

Jeez no-one knows if he wanted to sabotage

He just gave the woman a couple of unwrapped bars of chocolate in a carrier bag for goodness sake.

As others have said..probably a last minute thought.

HildaOgden · 03/06/2012 22:35

If she was trying to give up smoking and he gave her a packet of fags,would you think the same,WorraLiberty?

knowitallstrikesagain · 03/06/2012 22:36

Worra You are clearly wrong.

He is a fat, sabotaging bastard who will not rest until she is the size of a house.

It can't possibly be that he forgot/ didn't care enough to listen properly (after all, how many men actually listen to women go on about their weight)/ was trying to be kind/ was trying in a stupid but trying-to-be-nice way to give her a treat for her birthday.

He must have done it on purpose. Because he is fat. All fat people want to see others fail, dontcha know.

Original poster

MusicfromHeaven · 03/06/2012 22:37

Hexenbiest, really wish you well in your weight loss journey I can completely sympathise with alot of what you're saying, esp re sugar, i was fine and didn't even seem to be missing it when I wasn't eating it but once I have some, i can't stop find it really hard to not over-indulge.

Alameda Scarletforya - , that's the other part of where I'm coming from, that does sum it up neatly.

On the same day, another friend, who I thought was about the same level of friendship/closeness, gave me £15 of Amazon vouchers. Another reason for this bothering me. All in all, it seems like my friend was being thoughtless and close to cruel?

PS Sorry about the "passive-aggressive hatred" title - I know it's too strong but have been trampled underfoot and ignored on AIBu before so wanted to stand out

OP posts:

LucieMay · 03/06/2012 22:37

You can give them to me! I'll have 'em!

WorraLiberty · 03/06/2012 22:39

Hilda chocolate is something many people eat every single day with no addiction or other problems whatsoever.

It does not compare to a packet of fags for goodness sake.

He probably thought that like most people, the OP would want a little treat on her Birthday.

That about sums up some of the madness on here Knowitall

squeakytoy · 03/06/2012 22:40

would it have been better if he hadnt given you anything at all.... then you could just call him a mean twat

knowitallstrikesagain · 03/06/2012 22:40

Now I am really confused. Should they have all got together and co-ordinated presents first to ensure that they all spent the same amount? Or is something wrong with Amazon vouchers?

If I had given up smoking and someone offered me a cigarette on my birthday, I would not automatically think they hated me. I would think they were offering me what they would see as a 'treat' because it was a special occasion and could decline if I wanted to.

Hexenbiest · 03/06/2012 22:41

knowitallstrikesagain
"All fat people want to see others fail, dontcha know"

No not all but some do.

I have no idea why her 'friend' did this at best it was thoughtless.

WorraLiberty · 03/06/2012 22:42

If someone offered me a fag and I'd given up, I'd assume they simply forgot.

Either way, unless they forced it into my mouth and lit it up whilst pumping my chest in and out, they're not forcing me to take it.

Alameda · 03/06/2012 22:43

nobody has given me flowers on here before, nice! thanks :)

yellowraincoat · 03/06/2012 22:44

Perhaps it was a little thoughtless, but it's hardly passive aggressive.

Original poster

MusicfromHeaven · 03/06/2012 22:44

Actually think I prefer being trampled underfoot and ignored on AIBu

OP posts:

cheesesarnie · 03/06/2012 22:45

hope youve not said any of this to your friend.

youll end up with none left.

scuzy · 03/06/2012 22:48

think your more pissed off and your break in will power and gobbling them up and taking it out on him.

Hexenbiest · 03/06/2012 22:48

Thanks MusicfromHeaven.

Losing weight is hard but do-able for me but its keeping it off I can't do .

Its always the sugar craving re-starting that seem to start the down-slide. I think at some point I'll need to accept cakes etc are just not for me at all and stick to dark bitter chocolate as that doesn't kick cravings off.

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