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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is passive-aggressive hatred?

127 replies

MusicfromHeaven · 03/06/2012 21:18

It was my birthday last month and I'm still really bothered by this.

i'm on a really strict diet as my weight has really rocketed since DD3, for about 3 months. I told everyone not to get my Easter eggs, even the kids, and just had little stuff instead.

I've cut out all chocolate, cakes, cheese and just eat healthy stuff. I am doing exercise too, swimming twice a week and Pilates.

My friend bought me 2 big bars of chocolate for my birthday. Not wrapped up, just in a carrier bag.

He said just something about you can't live without chocolate, can't remember his exact words as i was trying to act pleased Sad

AIBU to think this is actually really passive-aggressive and means actually he hates me?

OP posts:
ErikNorseman · 03/06/2012 21:33

If someone buys you chocolate when you are on a diet just give it away Confused your fault you ate it.

UnRoyalCharter · 03/06/2012 21:33

seriously (or maybe not, i've had few glasses of wine)

someone buying you chocolate is not hatred.

writing 'eat this and die' on the wrapper is hatred Confused

somedayma · 03/06/2012 21:33

are you serious? you think he hates you because of this? are you ten?

Original poster
MusicfromHeaven · 03/06/2012 21:34

WorraLiberty, alright, was just getting on my high horse but I'll get off again after mars bars Grin

OP posts:
BlackOutTheSun · 03/06/2012 21:34

If he added rat posion to it, then yep, he hates you

WorraLiberty · 03/06/2012 21:35

But in all seriousness OP

Unless you are his only friend, he probably forgot.

I have no cause to remember which of my friends are on diets and which aren't.

In either case, even if he did remember he probably thought you'd let your hair down and treat yourself on your birthday.

I don't think I know anyone who doesn't break a diet for their Birthday or Christmas.

Thistledew · 03/06/2012 21:35

Are you sure that you are not somewhat hating yourself for 'giving in' and eating the chocolate, and you are projecting those feelings onto your friend?

roundtable · 03/06/2012 21:37

Music does have a fair point, you'd have to be pretty mean spirited to by an alcoholic alcohol.

I guess the same could be argued for chocolate if you were a proper addict.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 03/06/2012 21:37

I wouldn't classify it as PA hatred, no.

Just unthinking.

Put it behind you please, there's no value in overanalysing it.

Smile
MyRoyalLentillyness · 03/06/2012 21:37

writing 'eat this and die' on the wrapper is hatred

OP. That ^. Exactly.

roundtable · 03/06/2012 21:38

But as others said, he probably just forgot.

squeakytoy · 03/06/2012 21:38

you wouldn't give an alcoholic a bottle of whisky for a birthday present

you really cant compare the two... you could have eaten a little bit of the chocolate over a longer period... and just enjoyed it being a treat - there was no need to eat it all in one go

and to be fair, it was your birthday, even dieters can break from the regime on their birthday for a day.. so long as you dont suddenly run to the shops and buy a load more chocolate, then you wont have ruined your diet and it will not pile all your weight back on..

successful weight loss and maintenance is about moderation, not starvation and denying yourself everything that you enjoy

knowitallstrikesagain · 03/06/2012 21:40

I wouldn't buy an alcoholic alcohol.

I would offer to buy someone a glass of wine on their birthday if they were trying to be good and not drink. As it is their birthday.

It was thoughtless. But give him a break. Give him a KitKat. That'll teach him.

tethersend · 03/06/2012 21:47

The chocolate-buying bastard

Hexenbiest · 03/06/2012 21:48

I have this a lot when trying to lose weight - or keep it off.

Put half a stone on at ILs in a recent stay over and that was with me turning down an awful lot of stuff and being 'good' but in evenings I ended up giving in. Usually I have opposite issue with them so suspect it was to sabotage me.

I did read in New Scientist that everyone has a limit to how much self control they have - its not limitless that why evening are worse and it worse if your had to exercise a lot of self control earlier in day.

Couldn't find that article but one on a similar subject:

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-willpower/201204/five-temptations-actually-boost-your-willpower

"Scientists have discovered that willpower is a kind of energy that gets spent over the course of your day. Like a muscle that gets tired from exercise, our self-control strength gets sapped by the many decisions, distractions, and stresses we face."

Re-gifting chocolate quickly, giving it to others in house to eat probably why dieting mother have such a bad effect on their DC diets or destroying and binning are your options.

At last it's a friend you can avoid - family especially family in same house can be a lot harder to deal with.

Hexenbiest · 03/06/2012 21:51

I have an issue with sugar - maybe OP is the same.

If I'm away from sugary junk type food and some yogurts and raisins and have mainly fruit as sweet things I'm fine and cease to crave such food. Have even a small amount and I carve more and its a struggle again.

I really should just accept I can't have such things but IME people can make that very hard.

Hexenbiest · 03/06/2012 21:54

It also put you in the position of having to be grateful for something that makes your life harder so yes I can see where the passive aggressive idea comes from.

Though would suspect thoughtlessness from a friend first without prior passive aggressive behavior or them having serious weight issues and taking my dieting personally.

Alameda · 03/06/2012 21:56

it's not a jiffy bag of dog poo is it?

although have never quite grasped exactly what passive-aggressive means

slowestwildebeast · 03/06/2012 21:58

I hate chocolate. If anyone bought me chocolate I'd know they were taking the piss.

knowitallstrikesagain · 03/06/2012 21:59

Aggressive: Knowing she is on a diet, desperate to lose weight or she will die, holding her down and force feeding her lard.

Passive aggressive: Thinking that as she has done so well with her diet, she might appreciate a birthday treat, gifting her 2 bars of chocolate for her to do with what she will over a period of time. (Apparently)

Original poster
MusicfromHeaven · 03/06/2012 22:04

Hexenbiest, "Though would suspect thoughtlessness from a friend first without prior passive aggressive behavior or them having serious weight issues and taking my dieting personally.

Friend could easily stand to lose a few pounds Hmm

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 03/06/2012 22:05

Lots of people could stand to lose a few pounds

I don't see what that has to do with it?

I really do think he either forgot (why would he remember??) or assumed you'd be treating yourself on your Birthday (which you did because you ate it)

lalaland3008 · 03/06/2012 22:06

Not sure if you're op is a joke but if not then yabu.

Perhaps he thought you deserved a treat after all the dieting.

You don't have to eat it. People don't always tend to take people on diets seriously.

PandaWatch · 03/06/2012 22:07

The fact that it was two bars, unwrapped, in a carrier bag strongly suggests he left it to the last minute to buy you a present, went to the local shop, and thought it was either chocolate or a pack of fags.

I'd be more concerned if it was elaborately wrapped and accompanied by this card

Alameda · 03/06/2012 22:07

anyway the point is happy birthday and well done on all that exercise (not sure about the strict diet, am sceptical of them) but you have been working very hard and hopefully this isn't even a minor setback