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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is passive-aggressive hatred?

127 replies

MusicfromHeaven · 03/06/2012 21:18

It was my birthday last month and I'm still really bothered by this.

i'm on a really strict diet as my weight has really rocketed since DD3, for about 3 months. I told everyone not to get my Easter eggs, even the kids, and just had little stuff instead.

I've cut out all chocolate, cakes, cheese and just eat healthy stuff. I am doing exercise too, swimming twice a week and Pilates.

My friend bought me 2 big bars of chocolate for my birthday. Not wrapped up, just in a carrier bag.

He said just something about you can't live without chocolate, can't remember his exact words as i was trying to act pleased

AIBU to think this is actually really passive-aggressive and means actually he hates me?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 03/06/2012 22:49

Actually think I prefer being trampled underfoot and ignored on AIBu

Yeah but at least you've got some sensible answers

Good luck with your dieting, you've done brilliantly so far by the sound of it.

But please remember that just like our kids, dieting is the centre of your world at the moment...but no-one else's.

People will forget. Some people won't understand and others won't give a shiny shite.

Your diet is down to you and you alone because it's your body and no-one elses.

nutellaontoast · 03/06/2012 22:51

People just don't like change. Unsettle's 'em innit. Why choose chocolate with the comment that she "couldn't live without it" - when she had made it very clear she couldn't have chocolate? Why not petrol station flowers, or wine even? People don't just choose things completely randomly: I'm not saying it was neccassarily a conscious act of Machivellian cunning, just a subconsious desire to get the old status quo back.

It's nice that there are less cynical people than me out there though.

Interesting that people don't view food addiction as a real problem.

Whatmeworry · 03/06/2012 22:53

I don't think he hates you,but yes...I think he gave it to you deliberately.He could well be jealous/resentful of you doing well and making the positive changes re diet and exercise

Only the paranoid survive...

WorraLiberty · 03/06/2012 22:54

nutella could it be that he simply forgot?

Seriously, I couldn't recall right now how many of my friends are....

On a diet

Not on a diet

Were on a diet last week but gave up

Thinking about going on a diet next week

Constantly talking about starting a diet

etc....

PandaWatch · 03/06/2012 22:55

You're not paranoid if they really are out to get you...

yellowraincoat · 03/06/2012 22:55

At the end of the day, whatever his reasons, it was a gift and you should have accepted it gratefully and if you didn't want to eat it, lobbed it in the nearest bin or towards a grateful recipient.

He didn't make you eat it.

knowitallstrikesagain · 03/06/2012 22:58

I like Worra's way of summing up:

People will forget. Some people won't understand and others won't give a shiny shite.

He bought you chocolate. It is because he is fat and wants you fat. If it had been a female friend who was skinny, it would have been because she doesn't want you losing weight and becoming more desirable than her. Some people will see the worst in everyone.

I think it would be best if you never saw him again. You will resent him and his sadistic nature forever. And there is nothing he can do to change because it is all subconscious...

Original poster

MusicfromHeaven · 03/06/2012 22:59

yellow, I was taught that you treat the gifts people give you with respect as someone has taken the time and effort to get it for you?

OP posts:

KenDoddsDadsDog · 03/06/2012 22:59

You can buy chocolate on Amazon too
Seriously sounds like a last minute "oh shit" present rather than anything else. Can't be as bad as the American tan tights that someone got me once.

PandaWatch · 03/06/2012 23:00

Even if you think they were bought with passive-aggressive hate-filled intentions?

knowitallstrikesagain · 03/06/2012 23:02

And food addiction is one thing, putting on weight after the birth of DC for a few months is another. If someone has an actual food addiction they need to be able to turn things down, like an alcoholic has to refuse a drink, not accept graciously and then struggle alone later.

If it was going to piss her off that much and she has an actual problem, she should have said 'Thanks but I have a real problem with food at the moment, please take it back'.

WorraLiberty · 03/06/2012 23:02

And none of your Options watery shite either

yellowraincoat · 03/06/2012 23:03

MusicfromHeaven...do you mean you HAD to eat it out of politeness?

Original poster

MusicfromHeaven · 03/06/2012 23:03

knowitall, I appreciate you taking the time to post your comments. In RL, I thought this person was a good friend to me. I see them very regularly and it has really shaken me that they have done something I consider definitely thoughtless but possibly deliberately mean and cruel. There have been some other incidents in RL that have raised question marks, which I am not going into on here. This is the easiest to discuss but the other incidents are of a similar nature. I am considering whether to keep seeing this person and maintain the friendship and hoped to get some perspective from different people on AIBU. Thanks again

OP posts:

PandaWatch · 03/06/2012 23:03

knowitallstrikesagain · 03/06/2012 23:04

But Music If you thought he gave you the gift out of sabotage and hatred, why would you feel obliged to eat it?

knowitallstrikesagain · 03/06/2012 23:06

You clearly think this person is out to get you and you will see negatives in whatever he does because of past behaviour. If something as minor as this, and yes, it is minor, can cause you this much upset, you cannot maintain the friendship. For one thing, it is not fair on him. Just cut your losses and move on.

nutellaontoast · 03/06/2012 23:11

Och now look, if you've got more evidence to think he wants you to stay fat, it doesn't of necessity mean he's a mean and cruel bugger.

I had a friend at Uni, she started out all jolly and round, ended up all thin and fit . I'm happy for her that she dieted sucessfully, doesn't mean I didn't miss the old her though IYSWIM.

sensuallettuce · 03/06/2012 23:15

This is your own issue with your lack of self control which you are now trying to lay at the door of someone else.

Original poster

MusicfromHeaven · 03/06/2012 23:23

knowitall and yellow, took the gift with a polite thank you. Tried to put my negative feelings aside and assume that my friend had given me the gift with the best of intentions. Resolved to be self-disciplined and only eat the choc a bit at a time. Didn't.

OP posts:

Oppsididitagain · 03/06/2012 23:24

Clearly the guy needs to be strung up by his toes then beaten with stinging nettles
you may want to spend December well well away from him as god only knows what he may do next,these things do have a way of escalating

WorraLiberty · 03/06/2012 23:24

Well at least you can learn from it OP.

You're obviously not at that stage yet where you can eat a bit at a time

One day I'm sure you will be.

piprabbit · 03/06/2012 23:25

Does your friend usually get you fabulously thoughtful and well-chosen presents? Or has he got a track record for grabbing the nearest thing at the last minute.

To be honest it sounds like he forgot about getting you a present, grabbed the first thing he thought you would like in the local Tesco Express and justified the crapness to himself with the old 'you can't live without..' comment.

I think you are over thinking this. Especially if you are still "shaken" by the gift a month later.

yellowraincoat · 03/06/2012 23:26

But don't you see that whatever your friend's intention, he didn't make you eat it?

You resolved to be self-disciplined and you weren't and that hurts. Most people have some issue in that department. I can take or leave chocolate, but I am a terrible one for losing my temper or taking arguments too far - I resolve time and time again not to, and then I do. I am working on it but all I can do is not beat myself up if I don't manage to keep my temper.

I think you need to give yourself a break for having eaten the chocolate. One day of eating a little unhealthily is not going to fuck your diet.

trixymalixy · 03/06/2012 23:30

" He knows how much I love chocolate "

He probably forgot about the diet and thought he had bought you something you liked.

Get a fucking grip, seriously.

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