AIBU to not want my ILs to control our finances?

[SweetChilliSauce]

This is my first ever post so please bear with me if you can ? apologies for the length but I?m trying to avoid drip feeding.

DP?s parents own two houses. The house they live in (DP?s childhood home) and the house that belonged to DP?s grandmother, which they inherited when she sadly passed away a number of years ago. DP?s grandmother?s house has been in their family for around 100 years so it is owned outright ? no mortgage. The house had been empty since she died.

When DP and I found out we were expecting DS, his parents were incredibly generous and offered us the opportunity to move in to the empty house and live there for 5 years, rent free. This was, they said, to give us a chance to save for a mortgage, and not be under financial pressure to have both of us working full time whilst DS was little. We knew that this was an amazing opportunity and very kind of them, and we gratefully accepted. We have been here for nearly two years now.

The house was in need of a substantial amount of work, but we were more than happy to put in the time and the money to make a home for ourselves and give ourselves a chance to pay off debt / save when the work was done. In financial terms, the project cost us around the same as what we would have paid in rent for a year, and I worked hard renovating the house both whilst I was pregnant (we were trying to complete the work before the birth so I did this full time instead of working) and for some months after the birth. DP?s parents also contributed financially to the project, as did mine. We didn?t ask either sets of parents for this help, but they offered, and we were very thankful.

I am pretty good at handling finances, and have been looking after mine and DP?s budget and outgoings for quite a while (I do this because DP doesn?t want to, and I do enjoy a good spreadsheet(!) ? the arrangement works well enough for us). We have certainly had odd periods where we have overspent but we have learnt from them, and we?ve been on an even keel (paying off credit cards / overdrafts and saving money) for a good while now. We know how much we have to save in order to put down a deposit on a mortgage, and are working on target towards this. We are responsible and everything is budgeted for.

Recently, despite the original agreement under which we moved in, DP?s parents have told us that they now require us to pay them £100 a week, which they will ?look after? for us. They have said that they ?do not believe we will save for a mortgage if it is left to us?, and thus need to control the figure of £100 a week paid to them and have it resting in an account to which they and DP (not myself) have access, though DP is not to touch it without their say so.

I feel really uncomfortable with this arrangement. I could almost understand it if they were saying they had changed their mind and now wanted us to pay rent on the house (but would be a little as that wasn?t the agreement under which we moved in and carried out all the work), but the idea of someone other than DP and I controlling our savings does not sit well with me.

I think that our savings should be in our savings account. This is mostly because it is simply our money, but also because it leaves me in a financially vulnerable position if DP and I were to break up (which I hope to God never happens, and don?t foresee happening, but I guess nothing is ever certain) as none of the money would be in my name. DP and I have just always had ?our money? ? we?ve never been divisive.

I also think we should decide for ourselves how much we are saving, rather than having the figure dictated to us. At the end of the day, we're the ones that face the consequences if we frittered away our cash. We are currently putting away about £60-70 a week and we really are living on a shoe string to do so ? if we gave £100 a week to his parents we would have nothing left in the pot after bills to buy anything that wasn?t the weekly food shop, whether that was some babygrows for DS, a new workshirt for me, a haircut for DP, taking DS to the farm... everything. When I told my ILs they said we could ?ask? them for our money back to buy whatever the item was that we required.

I just don?t want to live like this. I know we are capable of just spending what we need and putting the rest into savings (not least because that's what we've been doing) ? I don?t want to go and have to ask my inlaws for our own money every time I need to buy myself some tights. I have tried to explained this to them but they don?t seem to see the problem. I certainly don?t want to have to ask their permission and for our own money if DP and I want to go out for dinner or something else that?s just for ?enjoyment? (FWIW we?ve been out for dinner once this year so far...).

This is really stressing me out and it?s starting to cause problems between DP and I. If I?d have know at the outset that in order to live in the house we?d have to let DP?s parents control our finances and savings then I?d have said thanks but no thanks ? it is just not a situation that I would be happy with under any circumstances. It feels really controlling and belittling.

AIBU to not want to do this? I think, really, that I would much rather we moved out and made a go of it on our own ? paying rent and saving for a mortgage at the same time like everyone else, even though it would obviously take longer. AIBU?

Absolutely do not do this. Apart from anything else, if they died the money would form part of their estate - there could be nothing to say it was yours.

Playing devil,s advocate.....400 per month for rent is peanuts.....personally I would humor them and let them put the money away for you.....who only pays that amount of rent? You should be able to put that away if you live rent free as you would have to find that and the rest if you paid rent.

YANBU, you sound like you have a very sensible approach to money and are doing all you can to get financial security within the constraints you have.

You need to get your dp to see that if you hand money over to them, they are under no legal obligation to give it back and especially to you if you split up. He needs to back you on this because you are 100% right from the info you have given

YANBU

Tell them that you are going to do it but instead of giving them £100 you will give them £50 which only they and DP will have access to and you will give your parents £50 which only you and your parents will have access to. See how they like it when the shoe is on the other foot!

Show them what your budget would be if you moved to the town DP works in, you got a job and paid rent on a modern, heat-efficient house.

No way give them more money. Red flags a go go.

So many red flags here. This would be a total deal breaker for me. Dh's parents were always very involved in his finances before I came along and first thing I did was put a stop to it. I would rather make my own way in life. They offered to pay for our entire wedding and I said no way. I only appreciated what a wise move that was when sil got married and foolishly agreed to her parents paying. Cue a year of pain as mil tried to control the whole thing. Mil and I actually get on very well now because our relationship is that of two adults rather than her trying to parent me as if I am a teenager.

Turning back to your situation, just move out and fgs stop talking to them about your finances. You're a mother now. Time to be an adult and stop being the child. Owning a home is something less and less people will be able to do in the future. The world won't end if you never own and rent. It sounds like you could do that now. Quite frankly, I would be telling dp that this is his big opportunity to act as an adult at last. What is he going to do?

one question. How do they know that you aren't managing to save?

Because they are demanding the ins and outs of your finances, right?

Sometimes, it is better to be worse off - because you're better off.

Owning a house is not the be all and end all. Some things are more important.

You have got to slap yourself across the face, wake up and see what is going on here.

How much money did your parents put into the property? Are you in-laws going to repay them from the increase in the capital value of the property?

How much time did you spend renovating the house, given that you are only temporarily in the property are they going to pay you for your labour. When my DB turned down overtime to do some work on my parents house my dad compensated him for his time because it didn't want DB to feel that his help was taken for granted.

You said that DPs parents inherited the house from his late grandmother and that it had lain empty "for a number of years" since her death.

Presumably this house was a financial burden on DPs parents as they got no income from it, but were presumably paying council tax and buildings insurance.

Why had they allowed it to lie empty? Was it because it wasn't in good enough condition to let out? In which case has your work on it given them an asset which is now able to be let out and provide an income for them? Or is the location unattractive to would-be lettees because of lack of work locally and high commuting costs?

It seems to me that the favour went two ways - you got a house rent-free BUT your ILs weren't sacrificing rental income, because they weren't renting it out before. And now they have a property, a capital asset, which has increased in value.

You said your ILs were "incredibly generous" in offering the house rent free, but was it really so generous if they weren't getting an income from it anyway? Houses lying empty can be a real headache - they have to be checked regularly for weather damage, or break-in, and they can be expensive to insure.

What would have happened to the house in the last two years if you hadn't been living in it?

To be honest the current situation seems like a bad deal for you, OP - really high bills and transport costs, no jobs for you nearby, lots of time, effort and money spent on renovations which won't personally benefit you. Meanwhile the ILs get the running costs of the house paid for and its value significantly increased. Now they want even more control over you.

Seriously, you would be much better off in a decent rented house near your DP's job and where you can find a job too.

I was about to post an almost identical post to puremince.

This was not generous of them. For the first year you spent what you would in rent AND your time doing renovations for them. Plus your parents contributed to this. They would be a lot more out of pocket if they had done this themselves since if the house was as bad as you say they would not have been able to rent it out and they wouldn't have got as much if they sold it. I am sure you would not have spent anything like as much either in money or time if they were going to move the goalposts like this.

Plus it actually costs you more in terms of travel and bills than if you lived elsewhere. I actually think you'd be better off financially and more able to save if you moved to a modern home with lower bills near to your dp work and got yourself a job.

This was not generous of them at all. And the level of control over your finances they now want to exert is a massive red flag. No is a complete sentence.

Mooncup is making a really good point. Only you know the local market and whether moving would increase your chances of working.

You sound in good control of your finances (more organised than I am) but 'free' accomodation is a good deal and I wouldn't turn it down lightly. I tihnk you and DP need to agree and stick to a joint position and keep repeating this whenever the ILs raise it. One option could be to repeat what you have explained before about your strategy to clear debt first, say that this is what all finance experts agree on before you start saving for a deposit. Also ask if they wish to change the original agreement on the house, if so would they prefer for you to move out. Bit passive agreesive but it means that they actively have to ask you to leave, rather than you having to threaten to leave.

Good luck, the key is that you and DP agree and stick to a joint stance.

In no way put money into an account that you have no access to and they do, for all the reasons above. Even if you have access and the relationship does fail, there is nothing to stop them emptying the account before you and your DP agree what to do with it.

I´m wondering how the Op is living rent free when they have been paying to renovate?

If it´s costing money-it ain´t free!

That's true...the in-laws may not be receiving rent as such, but you are renovating their property for them...and your parents have contributed to the renovation too.

I personally don't think this will end well if you allow them to control your finances. They may mean well, but you are ADULTS and I know I would bitterly resent them controlling me. I think I'd move out if I possibly could.

If you agree to this idea then expect to be collecting your IL's from airports at any given time in the next year or so.

Sorry couldn't resist.

You not being included on the savings account. Odd.

Also, why do DPs parents think they are more financially astute than you?

They have two houses, not through clever money management, but because DPs grandmother died, and they inherited. Then, instead of realising this asset by selling it, or using it to generate additional income through renting it out, they turned it into a wasting asset by letting it lie empty for years, whilst pouring money down the drain by paying council tax on it and, presumably, paying a hefty amount in insurance.

Then you come along, take over payment of the council tax and, presumably, insurance, and you put your own money into improving it.

I think your ILs are doing very nicely out of this arrangement. They could do better out of it by selling it, or renting it out at market rent, but they had years of opportunity to do this and they didn't.

You have effectively paid 'rent' on the property by putting your time, money and effort into renovating it.

Are you going to share the profit if it is sold? No. Thought not.

At the moment, all your personal equity is in the joint accounts you hold with your partner (are you married?). If you put money into an account that is controlled by others, without your name on it, you are pretty much screwed.

Refuse and start looking on Rightmove.

It would be a good idea to find out the following if you've not already:

• How much would rent be locally? It would probably be more than the £430 a month that DPs parents want, but not necessarily. There are some places in the UK where it's cheaper. not many!

• Have you done a benefit check? You may well be entitled to partial housing and council tax benefit if the two of you were to live in rented accommodation and pay privately. I don't know what your DH earns, but that's often the case when only one partner is working and isn't particularly well paid. You can use the turn2us website.

I'd make very sure that living independently was unaffordable before agreeing to a scheme like this, tbh.

Also, have you taken debt advice? The debts are quite small but not if you can't pay them. Try CAB or National Debtline. Defaulting is not something to do lightly, but you can always try and negotiate smaller repayments. Of course this makes it harder to get out of the debt and means it'll take longer, but that might be the lesser of two evils.

Noqontrol 'Well it's sounds as they are trying to be helpful in a non helpful sort of way. It's great they've offered the house up but it doesn't give them the right to move the goalposts. But I suspect they are worried that you're not managing to save. In light of the fact they are letting you live in the house, I would open a separate savings account and show them the statements on that every month or so. But I wouldn't hand the money over to them and I'd move out if they weren't happy with this arrangement.

Yes, I think they are 'trying' to be helpful, and perhaps not realising that it is coming out as controlling and infantalising. Believe you me I have tried to convey this, though! I have offered to show them statements of a separate savings account with x a week going in to it, so that our money can stay with us, but that is apparently not enough. The savings have to go to them.

ChasedByBees 'Absolutely YANBU. What justification have they given for suddenly changing the deal? Do you have anything in writing ( even an old email?)

Your parents and you spent money on that house in good faith of the deal - I'd be asking for it back (with maybe more for your effort) and moving out when I'd received it. Not sure it'd be the best move for the relationship but then, treating you like a 10 year old isn't either.'

I'll look through my email to see if there is anything. They know that they have changed the terms, but don't see that it's a problem! The only justification is this 'we need to look after your money because otherwise you won't save it on your own' line, (to put things in context, FIL has also told me that 'you and DP wouldn't still be together if it weren't for me' ? err, noooooo, we would, because we work hard at our relationship, despite the strains it is put under by this sort of thing!).

I am so stressed and upset that I'm at the point where I'd probably rather just draw a line under the money that has been spent on the house by DP, myself, and my parents and chalk it up as a 'mistake'. I feel like I'm living in a gilded cage.

I'd always been told by DP (presumably a line he's heard from his parents) that if we chose to move out, we'd have to live in a really crappy tiny flat for the money we'd have to rent. However, I've started looking around recently (God only knows why it took me so long, to be honest) and there are plenty of 2-3 bed houses for around £400-£450 a month (remember we are not in England, let alone London), and because we have our own furniture and could rent unfurnished, we could get somewhere that was really quite nice. Probably nicer than where we are, tbh!

Quintessential ? your summary is pretty bang on. Doesn't look great, does it. No, we haven't had valuations done (I see now that just ploughing on in trust was an error). I don't have the exact figures but I'll get them so I've got it there in black and white as I've been accused previously of lying about how much we had to spend to get it habitable. The amount that we predict we would be able to save on DPs salary alone should get us a 10% deposit on a two bed or a small 3 bed. Factor in that I'm hoping to be earning as well by the end of the year, giving us 3 years on one full time salary and one part time salary, we should be able to afford a 15-20% deposit on a nicer / bigger house.

Edgar 'so the original agreement was

1) five years rent free in return for renovation works
2) you would work down debts together..
3) you would save up for next house

but..

1) you are still clearing debt (not long to go though
2) renovations were expensive and not paid for just by them, but you and your parents also
3) you haven't yet started saving because of 1) and 2)

so...

they want a £100pw contrib which they will count as 'your' savings.

they need to understand that if you could be doing this yourselves, you would be.'

That is exactly how the original agreement and current situation is. I have said myself to PIL that if we could do it ourselves (at this particular point in time whilst we only have DP's salary) then we would be, and that they should trust that.

TBH I feel like it doesn't matter whether the £100 a week is a stretch or not ? if our income was £1000 a week and we could easily afford it, the money should still be with us and nobody else.

Sundae ? yes, from what I have seen of the current market, 86k would buy this house.

Empire 'At the moment DH doesn't seem very committed to you, he seems more worried about his parents.' This is how I've started to feel. It's pretty devastating.

LadyKooKoo 'Tell them that you are going to do it but instead of giving them £100 you will give them £50 which only they and DP will have access to and you will give your parents £50 which only you and your parents will have access to. See how they like it when the shoe is on the other foot! '

I have suggested something similar to DP previously. I have said that once I am earning, I will have to put away in my own savings account the same amount as is being given to his parents each week, for my own protection. I haven't run it by the inlaws, not least because now I know that we wouldn't have to live in a total dive if we moved out and rented, I think I'd just rather move out and go it on our own rather than being treated like a naughty child and DP and I having separate savings (half of which would be managed by his parents).

Puremince 'Presumably this house was a financial burden on DPs parents as they got no income from it, but were presumably paying council tax and buildings insurance.' That's right.

It was empty because it was in no condition to let out. I'm not talking about needing a lick of paint, I mean structural issues and a complete overhaul (following the building work) on the inside. When they offered us the house, they said they had been planning on knocking it down and building a new property / properties on the (large) site, but that following the housing boom and bust the plan was on hold so we could use it in the meantime. So any work we did would be for our benefit as it would be torn down after we left. Lately, however, DP tells me they are planning on selling their house and moving in here once we leave, so I am getting a bit .

When the arrangement first came about, PIL said that they were so glad the house would not be sitting empty and in disrepair anymore, as (understandably) it was upsetting for them, particularly MIL who grew up here. Now, a similar line is being used to control us 'we have so much emotional involvement in the house that it is too stressful to not have you pay us the £100 a week so we know what you're saving whilst you're there' (or indeed against else we do that they don't like).

As I said, had I known any of this at the outset, I would never have moved in. Am really :( about the whole situation, to be honest.

puremince they both work in finance, ergo they are an untouchable authority regarding money matters.

I am starting to think that the offer was less about generosity and more about control from the outset :(.

Everyone's being very negative about your DP's parents, OP, but I think that you must know the situation best and if you say they have been 'incredibly generous' then they probably have been. Certainly, most people's biggest expense is their accommodation.

What kind of renovations did you do? And could you buy the house for £86K?

People on here are so quick to assign your DP's parents evil controlling motivation but it doesn't sound that way to me at all. You aren't married - they aren't your in laws - I don't think they are trying to control you. I think they are trying to protect themselves. They can see that at the end of five years their son will

a) not have a realistic deposit
b) not be able to afford similarly nice accommodation either rented or bought
c) if they ask him and his family to leave in the above circumstances they will be the Bad Guys

They are trying to help, if a little cack handedly. Their son has a record of being bad with money and they now want him to show he is doing as he said he would - saving for a deposit - part of the reason they let him have the house in the first place.

But even if their motives are entirely honourable - this would stlll be a very bad idea for the op as it leaves her in a very vulnerable position.

If their motives were good, then why would the account be in only their name and their son's name and not the OP also? That is where they show their true colours imo.

Agree with Portofino. The point is that the OP is being negatively impacted by their actions. I wouldnt bother analysing why they have done it, but just look at the consequences both now and in the future and deal with those.

Can you stretch (perhaps with your DP help) to buy it now off them?
Can you get it valued by an estate agent?

I think you need to say, look: we can buy this house now, or we will rent somewhere else. If your money is so important to them, show them the figures.

• £400 to PIL that you will never see again which costs you X amount in travel and DIY costs and extra heating

-£400 rent for a bigger, nicer house, which will cost you less amount in travel, no DIY (because the LL will do it all) and less heating.