AIBU to not want my ILs to control our finances?

[SweetChilliSauce]

This is my first ever post so please bear with me if you can ? apologies for the length but I?m trying to avoid drip feeding.

DP?s parents own two houses. The house they live in (DP?s childhood home) and the house that belonged to DP?s grandmother, which they inherited when she sadly passed away a number of years ago. DP?s grandmother?s house has been in their family for around 100 years so it is owned outright ? no mortgage. The house had been empty since she died.

When DP and I found out we were expecting DS, his parents were incredibly generous and offered us the opportunity to move in to the empty house and live there for 5 years, rent free. This was, they said, to give us a chance to save for a mortgage, and not be under financial pressure to have both of us working full time whilst DS was little. We knew that this was an amazing opportunity and very kind of them, and we gratefully accepted. We have been here for nearly two years now.

The house was in need of a substantial amount of work, but we were more than happy to put in the time and the money to make a home for ourselves and give ourselves a chance to pay off debt / save when the work was done. In financial terms, the project cost us around the same as what we would have paid in rent for a year, and I worked hard renovating the house both whilst I was pregnant (we were trying to complete the work before the birth so I did this full time instead of working) and for some months after the birth. DP?s parents also contributed financially to the project, as did mine. We didn?t ask either sets of parents for this help, but they offered, and we were very thankful.

I am pretty good at handling finances, and have been looking after mine and DP?s budget and outgoings for quite a while (I do this because DP doesn?t want to, and I do enjoy a good spreadsheet(!) ? the arrangement works well enough for us). We have certainly had odd periods where we have overspent but we have learnt from them, and we?ve been on an even keel (paying off credit cards / overdrafts and saving money) for a good while now. We know how much we have to save in order to put down a deposit on a mortgage, and are working on target towards this. We are responsible and everything is budgeted for.

Recently, despite the original agreement under which we moved in, DP?s parents have told us that they now require us to pay them £100 a week, which they will ?look after? for us. They have said that they ?do not believe we will save for a mortgage if it is left to us?, and thus need to control the figure of £100 a week paid to them and have it resting in an account to which they and DP (not myself) have access, though DP is not to touch it without their say so.

I feel really uncomfortable with this arrangement. I could almost understand it if they were saying they had changed their mind and now wanted us to pay rent on the house (but would be a little as that wasn?t the agreement under which we moved in and carried out all the work), but the idea of someone other than DP and I controlling our savings does not sit well with me.

I think that our savings should be in our savings account. This is mostly because it is simply our money, but also because it leaves me in a financially vulnerable position if DP and I were to break up (which I hope to God never happens, and don?t foresee happening, but I guess nothing is ever certain) as none of the money would be in my name. DP and I have just always had ?our money? ? we?ve never been divisive.

I also think we should decide for ourselves how much we are saving, rather than having the figure dictated to us. At the end of the day, we're the ones that face the consequences if we frittered away our cash. We are currently putting away about £60-70 a week and we really are living on a shoe string to do so ? if we gave £100 a week to his parents we would have nothing left in the pot after bills to buy anything that wasn?t the weekly food shop, whether that was some babygrows for DS, a new workshirt for me, a haircut for DP, taking DS to the farm... everything. When I told my ILs they said we could ?ask? them for our money back to buy whatever the item was that we required.

I just don?t want to live like this. I know we are capable of just spending what we need and putting the rest into savings (not least because that's what we've been doing) ? I don?t want to go and have to ask my inlaws for our own money every time I need to buy myself some tights. I have tried to explained this to them but they don?t seem to see the problem. I certainly don?t want to have to ask their permission and for our own money if DP and I want to go out for dinner or something else that?s just for ?enjoyment? (FWIW we?ve been out for dinner once this year so far...).

This is really stressing me out and it?s starting to cause problems between DP and I. If I?d have know at the outset that in order to live in the house we?d have to let DP?s parents control our finances and savings then I?d have said thanks but no thanks ? it is just not a situation that I would be happy with under any circumstances. It feels really controlling and belittling.

AIBU to not want to do this? I think, really, that I would much rather we moved out and made a go of it on our own ? paying rent and saving for a mortgage at the same time like everyone else, even though it would obviously take longer. AIBU?

In that case, no. I think you need to tell them that you're moving out.

It doesn't sound like you'll be that worse off living in a flat closer to your dp's work. Maybe your bills will be lower as well in a smaller property (£155 seems quite high to me?).

The biggest problem is your dp. He needs to stand with you and your ds though - I'd be very worried about the relationship otherwise tbh.

You've written down all your ingoings/outgoings SweetChilli, but you don't have to justify yourselves! To us or them.

Totally agree with Hecate, especially that you've lost sight of what they're saying as being outrageous, the fact that you're posting shows that.

It's easily done when you're in the situation, that maybe says they've made you so unsure of yourself that you need to ask.

To me there's no grey area, you're right and they're wrong to try and make you do this.

sweet ok, that makes a LOT more sense.

in any case i would be moving out sharpish, struggle on but OP you will be safer not to mention saner

And yes, the plan was always that it was time limited and we would move out after 5 years. We would be the ones having to go back to renting if we didn't get enough together for a deposit. It's only us that would suffer, and of course we don't want to do that.

If they charged you rent surely it would be around £100 a week? It's not a high rent, so they might be wondering why you can't afford it. Perhaps they don't realise how much you spent on the renovations, or think you weren't careful with the money...

Perhaps it would be a good idea to just appreciate that you were able to stay with your dc while he was small, but now move on and stand on your own feet without interference( but with a higher rent)

How far off are you from clearing all your debts? If you are close to achieving that I would be looking for somewhere to rent rather than live under the proposed arrangement. It's more difficult if you've still got some way to go as you are right to prioritise clearing debts.

My ExP's parents contributed to his mortgage and felt that as a result they were entitled to have a key, come round regardless of any plans we may have had and to eat there once a week (even if we were out). It killed our relationship in the end.

Well it's sounds as they are trying to be helpful in a non helpful sort of way. It's great they've offered the house up but it doesn't give them the right to move the goalposts. But I suspect they are worried that you're not managing to save. In light of the fact they are letting you live in the house, I would open a separate savings account and show them the statements on that every month or so. But I wouldn't hand the money over to them and I'd move out if they weren't happy with this arrangement.

Absolutely YANBU. What justification have they given for suddenly changing the deal? Do you have anything in writing ( even an old email?)

Your parents and you spent money on that house in good faith of the deal - I'd be asking for it back (with maybe more for your effort) and moving out when I'd received it. Not sure it'd be the best move for the relationship but then, treating you like a 10 year old isn't either.

I'd start talking about moving out to DP and IL, and actually look at what options you have including moving somewhere better for you for work.

Have a row with your DP anything to make the point that going along with his parents will not be the easy answer here.

I'd also get angry with the ILs and show it and stoop to petty if necessary.

I don't think you'll get far with logical arguments - you've already tired and failed. I go with showing you do have some power here and options and you just are not doing this.

I don't particularly like the way my finances are arranged with DH - I assumed it would sort itself out or I'd be back to work sooner than has happened and that was a mistake on my part. Having said that I have always had access to money and some lea way and have never had to ask for permission to spend or ask for money which I don't think I could have stood.

We put aside £70 a week for debts / savings. How much is debt, how much savings? (And no, you don't have to answer to me or them but everyone is trying to help you)

Here is the problem^^ I think they can see you will be in no position to buy a house but you will not have the money. They must be so worried they'll be backed into a corner and forced to let you stay on, OP. Can you see it from their side?

It seems to me you must get a job. Your boyfriend has outstanding debts from Uni spending that he owes them which gives his parents a little license over his finances but they don't have this over yours.

duffy We are on track to have all debts cleared within a few months. My overdraft is around £400, we are in the black on our joint account, there's about £400 left on the credit card. DPs student overdraft is at about £800 I think. That's it. It's not a lot, is it, really, in the great scheme of things? I appreciate I don't need to put down the exact figures but I'm so flummoxed and baffled by the entire situation that it kind of helps to put things in black and white.

DP and I have never argued about money before all of this came up. It has near enough ruined my relationship with his parents, and it is causing problems between he and I because he is torn between 'me' and 'them'. I am getting genuinely concerned that it will put our relationship under too much pressure.

Re the £155 bills - yes, it is quite high. The house is old and doesn't retain heat well, but the £155 also includes everything from council tax to petrol and car insurance. No Sky TV or owt!

Sorry to sound dramatic and I don't know much about these kind of things but what would happen if something happened to the ILS suddenly, like a fatal car crash and all your savings were in their name? I know it's a horrible thing to think but surely a realistic thought?

Do you think they think this is their son's money, not your collective income and that's why they see themselves as this involved?

Sundae Getting a job is very high on my agenda. I've been trying all this year but to no avail (can't get a job in my field in this neck of the woods, can't get a job in a different professional field without experience, can't get a job in a 'non' professional field (I don't want to cause offense, I'm pretty shattered and just can't think of the word I'm searching for). I'm currently working unpaid to get some (recent) experience and hope this opens up options for me.

schrodinger (love the name!) god, I'd never even thought of that .
sundae I don't know - but DP and I have never divided our money - as far as we see it one person is earning their keep in a paid role, the other is earning their keep with DS and the house. I suppose I feel like it 'shouldn't' matter what they think about it, though I would hope they could see it as we do.

Thanks. :) I think that's one of the main reasons I would be concerned if I was in your situation, my Father died when I was very young and it made me realise you really do not know what is around the corner with these sorts of things!

I really think you should tell them no, it would also worry me the thought that if they had control over finances they might use that to manipulate you into situations you might not want to be in but feel like you would have to in order to get your money.

So the situation is as follows.

Middleclass parents with two houses and one financially irresponsible son who frittered away his money during his students years, to the extent that his parents had to bail him out.

OP, who met this son, got together, got pregnant, both op and dp have debts and overdrafts. They are offered to live rent free in a dilapidated old rural house. OP does not work. Is not married. And has moved far from anywhere she can possibly find work in her field. Starts renovating old house with money from her own parents, and money from landlord. Now parents want £100 per week, but even when living rent free OP can barely scrape together £60-70 per week to save for a mortgage.

I have a few questions.

1. Did you do a valuation of the house prior to the work started?
2. Do you have a resent valuation that will show how much the house has increased in value?
3. Do you have a spreadsheet showing exactly how much money A) dps family have invested; B YOUR family have invested and C YOU have invested in refurbishments?
4. How many years do you think it will take you to save for a deposit? £60 per week = £240 per month = £2880 per year. In three years you will have saved £8640. Will that suffice? If the lender agree to a 10% deposit, what will 86k get you where you live?

I think you need to rethink this whole venture. You might also need to find out how to get a fair deal on all the work and money you have put in making their old house livable, rentable and sale able!

Perhaps they have an attitude like my ILs - I'm not supped to know about money and for years MIL talked like I was a spendaholic despite the fact I'm the one who saves. It's how they do things.

My parents have a different system but my parents have tried to insist we handle money their way on occasions.

People are funny with money. I had a friend whose ILs seem to us it to deliberately cause problems in her marriage.

Why really isn't the issue especially as they may not know or if they do not want to admit it. How you handle it is.

If you do move out to rented there will be costs - moving, admin fees, deposit and first months rent then you need to save that all up again in case you have to move again.

It does sound that the high commuting and running costs and a poor location for work for you might mean this house isn't the bargain the rent free bit first appears.

so the original agreement was

1. five years rent free in return for renovation works
2. you would work down debts together..
3. you would save up for next house

but..

1. you are still clearing debt (not long to go though)
2. renovations were expensive and not paid for just by them, but you and your parents also
3. you haven't yet started saving because of 1) and 2)

so...

they want a £100pw contrib which they will count as 'your' savings.

they need to understand that if you could be doing this yourselves, you would be. You have put too much into the house to be removed prior to the end of term. unless they push it, in which case there may be no choice. but you would then have to find rent (even if you moved closer to his work) from somewhere. my guess is that you would manage (those bills and commute cost = expensive)

What kind of house is it? Could you buy it for £86K?

Hecate i also have experience of highly controlling inlaws. And you are bang on the money. This has nothing to do with OP finding it hard to give them £100 a week- the state of their finances, dps past financial problems.

The issue- is that the ILs seem to think they have the right to control any of OPs finances, whether it's £10 or £100.
YANBU- they most certainly do not.

This is all about control. Control is often thinly disguised in an act of huge generosity which will then be flung back in your face when you push back. Be prepared!

I think you should address it as a couple 'we are not happy to pay you this money, we can save on our own for example...' rather than come from just one of you - being a united front is important when dealing with ILs of this nature.

If they still insist on controlling you just move out. I understand your profession makes it hard but- hell there must be a way... Otherwise this control will escalate into other areas of your life.

You and DH have got to stand on your own two feet now. Move into rented nearer work, save on transport costs. Have some pride.

Before you have any more children plan ahead and consider the implications of being by yourself bringing them up because DH takes off. I know a wedding ring is no guarantee of anything but it shows some initial commitment. At the moment DH doesn't seem very committed to you, he seems more worried about his parents.

If a man had acted this way towards you people would be yelling 'red flags' and 'leave'.

They have done a lot to make you vulnerable and at their mercy.
They enabled a situation where you left work to be a SAHM so you're financially reliant upon dp.
they have control over your house.
They are now attempting to take over your savings. If the savings are in their & dp's name, you have no right or say to them at all. You could literally be thrown out onto the street with no money, clothes etc if they so chose. While they couldn't keep you away from your ds they could make you utterly destitute.

you're right that your finances are nothing to do with them. just because they have lent you a house, they don't get to treat you like naughty children.

from your dp's point of view almost anything on this earth would be easier than trying to stop his parents from controlling him, if that's how he's grown up. robbing a bank and investing the money would seem easier than saying no to them when they ask him to do something. it will be hard to handle, but you need to stay firm, without the two of you falling out.

i don't think you should give them even the slightest insight into your finances at all - it is nothing to do with them. i would be tempted to start laughing and saying 'oh we blew our savings on a big night out - we drank so much & you should see the line of coke dp snorted!' because they have NO SAY in how you spend your money.

if they threaten to evict you, just say 'ok, we were thinking it might be easier to do that anyway'

or even talk about moving away from the area completely, so that you can work in your field & dp raise your son until he gets a different job.

btw - the amount of money is irrelevant. they have no right to control it.

Quintessential has asked all the questions I was thinking.

You mentioned before about what would happen if you gave them the £100 a week and then split up, but what would happen about the investments you and your parents have made to the house should you spilt? It was quite risky for you to spend your time and money adding value to someone else's investment.

Most older people with the means to start giving money to their children to reduce inheritance tax, not asking for it back.

YANBU and I agree with Hecate and Kickassangel. I see nothing generous in their actions; they have merely served to put you in an incredibly vulnerable position.

If I were in this situation, I would move to an area that is easier for commuting and nearer to available work for you. I would not want to be at the mercy of these people and their whims.