AIBU to not want my ILs to control our finances?

[SweetChilliSauce]

This is my first ever post so please bear with me if you can ? apologies for the length but I?m trying to avoid drip feeding.

DP?s parents own two houses. The house they live in (DP?s childhood home) and the house that belonged to DP?s grandmother, which they inherited when she sadly passed away a number of years ago. DP?s grandmother?s house has been in their family for around 100 years so it is owned outright ? no mortgage. The house had been empty since she died.

When DP and I found out we were expecting DS, his parents were incredibly generous and offered us the opportunity to move in to the empty house and live there for 5 years, rent free. This was, they said, to give us a chance to save for a mortgage, and not be under financial pressure to have both of us working full time whilst DS was little. We knew that this was an amazing opportunity and very kind of them, and we gratefully accepted. We have been here for nearly two years now.

The house was in need of a substantial amount of work, but we were more than happy to put in the time and the money to make a home for ourselves and give ourselves a chance to pay off debt / save when the work was done. In financial terms, the project cost us around the same as what we would have paid in rent for a year, and I worked hard renovating the house both whilst I was pregnant (we were trying to complete the work before the birth so I did this full time instead of working) and for some months after the birth. DP?s parents also contributed financially to the project, as did mine. We didn?t ask either sets of parents for this help, but they offered, and we were very thankful.

I am pretty good at handling finances, and have been looking after mine and DP?s budget and outgoings for quite a while (I do this because DP doesn?t want to, and I do enjoy a good spreadsheet(!) ? the arrangement works well enough for us). We have certainly had odd periods where we have overspent but we have learnt from them, and we?ve been on an even keel (paying off credit cards / overdrafts and saving money) for a good while now. We know how much we have to save in order to put down a deposit on a mortgage, and are working on target towards this. We are responsible and everything is budgeted for.

Recently, despite the original agreement under which we moved in, DP?s parents have told us that they now require us to pay them £100 a week, which they will ?look after? for us. They have said that they ?do not believe we will save for a mortgage if it is left to us?, and thus need to control the figure of £100 a week paid to them and have it resting in an account to which they and DP (not myself) have access, though DP is not to touch it without their say so.

I feel really uncomfortable with this arrangement. I could almost understand it if they were saying they had changed their mind and now wanted us to pay rent on the house (but would be a little as that wasn?t the agreement under which we moved in and carried out all the work), but the idea of someone other than DP and I controlling our savings does not sit well with me.

I think that our savings should be in our savings account. This is mostly because it is simply our money, but also because it leaves me in a financially vulnerable position if DP and I were to break up (which I hope to God never happens, and don?t foresee happening, but I guess nothing is ever certain) as none of the money would be in my name. DP and I have just always had ?our money? ? we?ve never been divisive.

I also think we should decide for ourselves how much we are saving, rather than having the figure dictated to us. At the end of the day, we're the ones that face the consequences if we frittered away our cash. We are currently putting away about £60-70 a week and we really are living on a shoe string to do so ? if we gave £100 a week to his parents we would have nothing left in the pot after bills to buy anything that wasn?t the weekly food shop, whether that was some babygrows for DS, a new workshirt for me, a haircut for DP, taking DS to the farm... everything. When I told my ILs they said we could ?ask? them for our money back to buy whatever the item was that we required.

I just don?t want to live like this. I know we are capable of just spending what we need and putting the rest into savings (not least because that's what we've been doing) ? I don?t want to go and have to ask my inlaws for our own money every time I need to buy myself some tights. I have tried to explained this to them but they don?t seem to see the problem. I certainly don?t want to have to ask their permission and for our own money if DP and I want to go out for dinner or something else that?s just for ?enjoyment? (FWIW we?ve been out for dinner once this year so far...).

This is really stressing me out and it?s starting to cause problems between DP and I. If I?d have know at the outset that in order to live in the house we?d have to let DP?s parents control our finances and savings then I?d have said thanks but no thanks ? it is just not a situation that I would be happy with under any circumstances. It feels really controlling and belittling.

AIBU to not want to do this? I think, really, that I would much rather we moved out and made a go of it on our own ? paying rent and saving for a mortgage at the same time like everyone else, even though it would obviously take longer. AIBU?

Does your dp have any brothers or sisters who might have been grumbling "not fair", or are their uncles or aunts on the scene who might be agitating for the house to start earning them some money?

Are the pils generally reasonable people or do they have form for being this controlling?

Indeed, we are not married, so I am in a really vulnerable position (not least because my income will never match my BFs unless he went part time instead of me) but even more so if our savings are not in our own savings account but with his parents. Ultimately, if all our money was there, it is entirely up to them to give any back to me - they have no legal impetus to do so.

I have actually offered to go through our budget with them, and show them our bank account statements, even though I really don't feel comfortable with it. But they turned me down, so I don't really know what to do about it.

We chose to work on clearing overdrafts and the credit card ahead of putting money into savings because it seemed to make little sense to pay interest on debt instead of paying it off when we had the option - that's what we've been doing this year. In the first year we were here we spent the amount that we would've paid on rent on renovating the property instead. Our idea was that we would use the upcoming 3 years to save, and make sure we had enough behind us for a deposit. Doing things that way round made sense to me when we were working on the promise of 5 years of rent free living.

Our long term budget was worked out on DP's salary alone, as we don't know exactly when I'll be employed too. However, as I mentioned, I am working unpaid at the minute (I cannot get a paid job for love nor money - I have a masters degree but not the kind of experience that will get me a job locally) in order to get experience in a new field, so the likelihood is that we should have more room to breathe (and save) once we have a second income. I am really struggling to get PIL to see that.

In that case, no, absolutely not. You are in far too vulnerable a position to have money put in an account in your dp's family's name.

I don't understand how, if you're not paying any mortgage or rent, you are struggling to save £70 per week? I'd think you'd have more than that left over as mortgage or rent is generally a big proportion of income eaten up.

But YANBU, your inlaws have no right to try to dictate to you

You shouldn't have to be the one to make PIL see that, your dp should be doing it. You need to convince him that he will be giving them a firm and final NO on the subject. You shouldn't even need to justify that to him, he should want to protect your financial security.

In their defence, they are probably worried about you and also about themselves.

It sounds as though in three years time it is unlikely that you will have saved a significant deposit or have sufficiently well-paid jobs to go out and buy your own home. This leaves them with the unpalatable options of a) allowing you to stay in the house longer or b) turfing out their grandchild into less pleasant rented accommodation.

Get a job and you will have a stronger position.

I don't believe any lawyer would advise you to go along with their bonkers plan for all the reasons you've already expressed.

I think you need to stand firm and explain that you would be happy to continue to live in the property and manage your own affairs as agreed, but should the interference continues you will have no option but to take your child and hopefully your boyfriend (and do refer to him as that - you're not married you have bugger all rights) and will be moving out.

Your DP has an obligation to you and your child that must come before everything else. If he won't man up and take on that responsibility you need to seriously consider your future together. Part of his responsibility is to protect you.

tell em go fuck emslefles

hexagonal i asked that too, but i think their spending the equal of that on paying off debts which i presume are pretty huge.

''We chose to work on clearing overdrafts and the credit card ahead of putting money into savings''

How would they feel if you all packed up and moved to where there is work for you?

'tell em go fuck emslefles' shed have to be drunk to say it like that

In the first year we were here we spent the amount that we would've paid on rent on renovating the property instead. Our idea was that we would use the upcoming 3 years to save, and make sure we had enough behind us for a deposit. Doing things that way round made sense to me when we were working on the promise of 5 years of rent free living.

If I were your boyfriend's parents I might think that you spent that money to make a nice home for yourselves, since if it was to increase the value you would spend it at the end before showing the house for sale.

You don't seem great with money from what you've written, and they are trying to help you out. Although I wouldn't hand over my money, the danger here is that this money is being earned by your boyfriend, and he owes them from Uni days. It's difficult.

But I definitely would think twice before telling them to go fuck themselves.

It's really not about what you're saving or not saving. for me, it's about being told that this needs to happen and being told that if you require something, you will need to go to them and tell them what you need the money for (with the implied 'and we will approve it') and most importantly and disturbingly - having access to the money themselves, giving your partner access to it but ensuring that you are denied access to it that is ringing deafening alarm bells, based on my experience as outlined above.

That they've been kind, whether you are or are not saving, what you're doing with your money... all neither here nor there, imo. It all seems about taking control. Removing control from you. I bet the use of the house was less being generous and more being controlling. you've put money into it, yes they have too, but less than they would have had to. It's not lying empty, I'm betting they've had a lot of input and probably feel like it's their home too. And how nice of them to do it so you don't have to work. What's their view on the place of women with young children? stay at home? eh?

I may be doing them a huge injustice and seeing this through really cynical eyes, cos I've seen it all first hand, but I would honestly just move out and be done with it

Are you likely to be getting married?

hecate seems to have it spot on i think.

Do they not see the irony of going back on their original promise because they don't believe you will be able to keep to a deal?

YANBU.

You absoloutley should not be financially linked to your future ILs. It is not for them to decide how much you save. They have agreed that you live in this house rent free for five years. Surely, at the end of the five years you will be expected to move out?

If you dont save the required amount by then (which it sounds like you are doing your damned hardest to do) then surely the arrangement is still the same = you move out. Albeit to a rental property, but still. Out.

They are odd, demanding and controlling. You would be VERY wise to keep everything solely between you and your DP in joint names.

suzikettles In many respects they are really great but can get very controlling about things. I often feel like I am having to push back against being shoe-horned into a situation. And no, there is nobody else agitating for the house.

Regarding struggling to save: DP's transport costs are £100 a week. Our bills are £155 a week. Food and essentials are around £75 a week. We put aside £70 a week for debts / savings. That totals £400 - our income is around £440 a week. The other £40 goes on the seemingly endless list of stuff we need for DS, the house, or ourselves (plus the odd bottle of wine / playdate / etc).

I've given these figures to PIL but it didn't make any difference.

DPs transport costs are high because we live rurally. We have to run a car for the same reason. Renting costs around here for a 2 bed place are around £90 a week. If we rented, we could cut transport / car costs by moving closer to the nearest town (rent is still cheap), and we would have to put saving money on hold until I was earning too, and then earmark that income as a future deposit. It would be doable, but tight on one income.

I would show them nothing. They should mind their own business. I will not go cap in hand to my dh and he earns the money that pays the mortgage in our household. There is no way on this earth I would be going cap in hand to my boyfriend's parents to ask for my own money!

Stop enabling them to be controlling wankers.

In that case you might as well move out now then OP. You might even be able to get a part-time paid job.

I would just offer them rent - if you can save £60-70 per week, offer them that. It won't be a market rent, obviously, but it'll give them the 'proof' that your entire income isn't being 'frittered; - they probably have no idea how tight things are for a young family these days.

Then when you move out, they can, if they wish, make you a gift of the accumulated 'rent' as a deposit on your new place.

Alternatively, you tell them to go fuck themselves, but then you'd have to find a job in order to pay rent elsewhere, which would certainly be more than £2-300pm.

So I'd offer rent, & start looking quite urgently for a job/alternative accommodation.

Just to clarify - we did the work on the house as cheaply as we could, and I did all of the work that I was able to rather than paying someone to come in and do it. I'd never wallpapered before in my life! Quite good at it now, though. We were putting down floors, etc, not installing chandeliers .

We took guidance from PIL every step of the way as we were mindful that it was their house, so there really isn't any way that they could have think we overspent / underspent / goodness knows what else.