To feel it's time my grandson was moving on

[Notfuckingpastit1]

Agreed willingly to look after my 18 year old grandson while he completes his A levels. he really is a smashing lad, no problem with him whatsoever . His parents have moved to Ireland so he needed somewhere to stay until he finishes his exams at the end of June. Problem is, he's hoping to start uni in september (results pending) the plan was he'd go to Ireland once he'd finished. Now he's made it plain he wants to stay until september. He's no income, although he has made the token gesture of applying for a summer job. The problem is, although he's a great lad I would just like my home back for me & my husband. We are not that old 50 & 57, but it's nice just the two of us if you know what I mean? We've done our bit as far as teenagers go with our own kids. Don't really want a teenager sat texting and stroking his spots continually sat with us every evening! He's been with us since February, so feel like I've done my bit. Trouble is can't help feeling like the wicked witch. There's no one else really and he's detirmined he won't live in Ireland

Ericknorseman it's not British culture that kids move out in their late teens unless they go to uni. I have 3 DDs aged 25, 22 and 20. DD1 is married now but she came home for a short while after ink. DD2 is finishing uni this week and she is looking
to stay up in Kingston with her friends but if it doesn't work out we will have her back home. DD3 is 20 still at college and living at home. I know several people who have DCs in their late teens and early 20s and are still living at home. I

YANBU to want that at all. I do that if he fails his exams/doesn't get the results he needs, then he's going to end up getting a part time job and staying with you indefinitely unless you lay down some ground rules.

Can you not ring his parents and ask when they have arranged for him to go home? Failing that, sit him down because you have the perfect opportunity to get things set out how you want them - eg, he has an allowance of £x and out of that he needs to buy his own toiletries or whatever, he needs to make his own lunch and dinner once a week etc etc.

As the OP hasnt elaborated, I can only assume that the grandsons parents are still very young themselves... and have needed a fair bit of parental support over the years.

Leaving home at 18 certainly isnt the norm any more, as it is bloody expensive even to share a house or flat with friends now.

All my stepkids were in their early 20's before they left home as were most of their friends, and many of their friends still live at home now, even in their mid twenties.

Came on to say exactly what Salmotrutta said. Make your minds up!

I don't think the OP is suggesting kicking the boy out , because she has been nice enough to let him stay already ! I'm presuming she means he needs to go to Ireland , or if deciding to stay , work out how .

I don't think leaving home at 18 is the norm . I don't know anyone who did . My DSS is 18 , and has just gotten a full time job . I expect him to be with us for a few years yet. He needs a car first . Then be needs to be able to support himself .

Having adult children around the house can sometimes be very 'trying' even when they are your own, you need strong ground rules .

"This is such a great chance to build on the relationship you have with him"

But did you read the same original post as I did - he's sat texting and while "two's company, three's a crowd".

OP and partner didn't sign up for this going on after the exams, and clearly the lad expects to do what he wants, irrespective of anyone else. Also it does beg the question about holidays from Uni, if he's adamant he doesn't want to visit his parents in Ireland, or worse, if none of the universities give him a place, what then? As for a summer job, b good luck but he hasn't a clue (and if he did bring in a bit of cash, chances are he'd expect to spend every last penny on himself and his friends / trips / etc without a thought for what he costs in extras at the home of OP, on electricity, water, and food bills.

Out of interest, OP, what do his parents think of his idea of staying with you?

If he is thinking about holiday and going to gigs etc, then he can spend a week at the home of each of his school friends. One week at someone's home won't cause them too much friction, even if their parents hate the idea, and he only needs a tent and a blow-up mattress!!

I'm amazed that he is sat with them texting. The only time I see my ds is when his head is in the fridge

The end of exams is a good time to set out ground rules for the future.

Don't just spring it on him, set in advance "now your exams are over we need to work out how you're going to contribute to the household if you are going to live here over the summer, can we talk about it on Wednesday" - gives him a bit of time to think about it.

He sounds like a lovely boy and you should keep things positive and friendly. It's a lot easier to do this if you introduce it immediately as soon as there is a milestone like this rather than waiting for your resentment to build till you can't face it any more.

Be clear that he's very welcome but that now he's an adult and no longer at school there needs to be a distinction between a "holiday visit" and a "living here" arrangement, and that as an adult he can't be a passenger any more.

Talk about a (theoretical) arrangement that you would be happy with if he was going to be actually living with you. I'm not suggesting that you offer this option, just make it clear that about the level of contribution you would expect from a long-term house guest. (e.g. talk about rent, contributions to food and bills, taking a fair share of the cleaning, laundry, garden and cooking chores, and giving each other personal space to do your own thing with defined - e.g. once-a-week - opportunities to spend the evening together). If necessary be more draconian than you actually feel you would want to be - the idea here isn't to negotiate an acceptable living arrangement but to convince him that living with his grandparents wouldn't be that fun in the long run and he would be better off either joining his parents in Ireland or getting a room in a shared flat.

Make a clear distinction between this and the "holiday visit" - where you are happy to cook for him and don't expect rent or chores and happy to spend lots of time with him - and say that you could only do holiday visits if they were up to a week at a time, no longer, and only once each university vacation, to give you your own space. Paint a picture of the options being occasional happy visits that he can look forward to, versus a long-term living arrangement more suited to a middle-aged lifestyle than a young man's.

THOTC - "you need a real home to retreat to when things are tough and neither you nor his parents seem willing to offer him that!"

His parents seem willing, but he has made it clear he wants to stay put and not go back to them. Hardly think it fair his parents get slammed for his choice - nor the OP and her husband, as it was arranged only until exams, but now he wants to change things.

But surely as a family, they must have realised it may become a long term thing? Even if they didn't they need to adapt to the changing circumstances

What 18 year old is going to want to give up his mates and everything he knows through his own choosing to go and live in another country where he knows no one? It's not rocket science.The whole thing doesn't appear to have been thought through properly.

His younger siblings will be able to make friends at school, but he has lost that opportunity. I do agree that it is unfair on the grandparents, but surely this was a foreseeable event?

Also where would he stand re student loans/fees and living in another country?

If the lad is considering University he'd be likely to be making a whole new set of friends anyway orange - he's 18, not 8.

And his parents may have had little choice in the move to Ireland.

If he's in England he'll be paying fees anyway won't he if he stayed there or not?

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Does he help out at home? Do his parents help out financially?

Why is the OP being expected (by some) to take on another dependent when surely she's done her bit by her own children?
She can love her grandchildren dearly, but it doesn't mean she wants them living with her when they do have alternative options. It's not like he's been orphaned!

Will he? If he goes to live in Ireland, won't he be classed as an Irish citizen?

I know he'll make friends at uni, but he will want to keep hold of his old friends too.

I was also going to say that when he goes to uni he will make a set of new friends and also I assume most of his local mates will also be going to university, probably different ones, or trying to get work and may have to move to get work. There are very few of my school friends who still live in the same area we grew up in. I know things are different now but people still move around.

My parents moved area (not a different country admittedly) when I was at university and as I still wanted to live at home during the holidays, and unusually at that time, go back to live at home when I got my first job after uni, I had to move to the area where my parents now lived and make new friends.

This boy is not being abandoned as a number of posters seem to think, he has a home to go to, its just that he does not want to go to it, but until he is financially independent maybe he can't always do what he wants to do.

Maybe his parents didn't really want to go to Ireland and leave family and friends behind but had no choice due to work. Its all part of growing up.

I have no idea about student fees or loans as they stand now but to me that isn't the point of what the OP is asking.

She's asking if she is BU to think her GS should move on.

I don't think she is - she has done a lot already!

I do help out with my toddler GSs a fair bit but as I said earlier, I'd be a bit wary of hosting a teenager beyond a certain time!!
Teenagers living in your house are a whole new ballgame if you have reached that time in your life where you are enjoying doing your own thing!

Oh dear - far to many "yours" in there!

I can see your POV - it is nice to have your house to yourself :) However, he sounds like a nice lad and he is your Grandson... could you really tell him that you don't want him staying anymore?? I know I couldn't .

I would be encouraging him to go away with mates as much as possible over the summer, camping, gigs and whatnot. I would heavily encourage him to go 'on holiday' to his parents for at least a fortnight (tell him that you accept he doesn't want to 'live' there, but he needs to see his parents and siblings in their new home!).

It's only a few weeks and then he will be off to Uni. Would you mind him staying in the Uni holidays (I wouldn't, I think it would be a lovely opportunity to see him and develop really strong family bonds as he changes from child to adult).

If he doesn't get into uni, then you need to discuss what is going to happen.

Or if he's planning to go to a local Uni - then you definitely need to discuss what he's going to do as clearly you can't have him stay for the next 3/4/5 years.

He's already (or should have) changed from child to adult.
Just because he's going on to (hopefully) further education, doesn't mean he's a child.
He's old enough to rent his own place, get married, become a father or join the armed forces.
His grandparents are perfectly entitled to their house and their lives back.

Mumsnetters often go off alarming if posters want their parents to look after babies.
Why is it okay to look after adults?

I feel like a right cow now! Of course he can stay until September, it's just the general consensus seems to be he's just going through the motions as far as sorting himself out with his uni application etc. He's a lovely person and I love him dearly. I would always make sure he was ok. I really do think he has no concept of how hard it is in the real world. He thinks a job and opportunities will find him.

He's a very young 18 year old. Nowhere near as mature as his 16year old sister. He doesn't even like going into a shop on his own! I'd hate to think how he'd cope if he had to join up!

OP, don't feel like a cow! And stop being a doormat to him either. Making his lunch every day and letting him hang around believing that a summer job will drop into his lap isn't exactly helping him become "as mature as his 16 year old sister" is it?

You need to sit him down and have a talk, create some more ground rules for living in your house, and tell him your expectations - that he will be out looking for a job, that he can pack his own lunch and pay some rent. If he's mature enough to determine for himself that he won't go back to Ireland, then he can be mature enough to pay you some rent, find a job, and put some effort into life rather than expecting you to pick up after him all the time. He's 18, not 8.

Shocked at how many think it's fine for a grandmother to be looking after an 18 year old and that she should feel happy to be doing him such a favour - are you all the same ones who harp on about manchildren in relationships too? First step to creating one, let him act at 18 like an 8 year old.

IME of 3 young adults all boys this is quite normal for them. Dd totally different