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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel it's time my grandson was moving on

130 replies

Notfuckingpastit1 · 28/05/2012 00:10

Agreed willingly to look after my 18 year old grandson while he completes his A levels. he really is a smashing lad, no problem with him whatsoever . His parents have moved to Ireland so he needed somewhere to stay until he finishes his exams at the end of June. Problem is, he's hoping to start uni in september (results pending) the plan was he'd go to Ireland once he'd finished. Now he's made it plain he wants to stay until september. He's no income, although he has made the token gesture of applying for a summer job. The problem is, although he's a great lad I would just like my home back for me & my husband. We are not that old 50 & 57, but it's nice just the two of us if you know what I mean? We've done our bit as far as teenagers go with our own kids. Don't really want a teenager sat texting and stroking his spots continually sat with us every evening! He's been with us since February, so feel like I've done my bit. Trouble is can't help feeling like the wicked witch. There's no one else really and he's detirmined he won't live in Ireland

OP posts:

Pekka · 28/05/2012 09:58

Vashti, in the countries you mentioned it is generally expected that children will look after their parents once the parents get old. In UK, the expectation is very much opposite. Parents are expected to look after their children even if the parents are old and fragile. Both traditions have good and bad sides.

OP- if you let your DGS stay in your house, you might end up resenting him. YANBU for wanting your place to yourself. You could maybe walk around the town with him, to hand his CV to shops and bars.

Mrsjay · 28/05/2012 09:59

erik my working class child is in higher education nd some of her working class friends are at uni away from home its swings and roundabouts i think ,

weatherrain · 28/05/2012 09:59

YABU. He's not just any old houseguest but your own grandson who's still in full-time education. I don't understand this attitude at all. Oh you're legally an adult now so get out of my space and do your own thing, never mind about being my flesh and blood and not even established yet due to still being a young lad in education.

Teaandcakeplease · 28/05/2012 10:02

FallenCaryatid I live near Watford and there are generally lots of jobs going such as at the cinema, pubs, bars, cafes, leaflet delivery, hotel room attendants, kitchen porter, even cleaning offices etc. Depending on your standards of what you're prepared to do, there is no reason that he cannot do something like that is there? Or am I clueless? My children are only age 3 and 4. I also have no idea where the OP lives. Perhaps there isn't much work there. But at least if he was applying for things that would be a start? Show he is willing perhaps?

"Problem is it's not looking like he's going to do very well in his exams which he's already started. He thinks a job going to come looking for him. He's already made it plain as far as he's concerned "this is my home now."
Mmmm and how is he going to fund the trips to gigs, if he isn't actually even looking for part time work?
What grades does he need to get, to get into his chosen uni? Do you think he will get them? It doesn't sound like he will from your comment above Then what will he do, try and get in through clearing?
How honest are your discussions with him about these things? I think he could do with a reality check quite frankly.
Are some of your feelings, as you're worried that it won't be until September but even longer perhaps?

Paiviaso · 28/05/2012 10:02

I just wanted to say that I think YANBU for wanting your house back. You have done a nice thing for him but its understandable you would get tired of it.

But at the same time, I would probably encourage you to suck it up for the summer, if he is indeed a lovely boy and you are getting some money for his upkeep. Hopefully he would not be in the house that much when the weather is nice.

Either way, you aren't wrong to feel how you feel.

CaptainVonTrapp · 28/05/2012 10:04

To all those saying it is their duty to look after him - it is a two way thing and it doesn't sound like he's pulling his weight.

They are housing/feeding/supporting him (and have been for some time despite him having both parents) and he appears to be doing nothing to contribute. No job, little effort to get one (there is always low paid work to be found, bar work, cleaning) no mention of contributing to the household/doing jobs, just sittting around watching tv. That isn't being part of the family that is taking the piss.

And as for 'it is an English thing' ErikNorseman ... Words fail me. If someone wrote 'it is a Pakistani thing' there would be an outcry. What is this ridiculous stereotype based on? Not my experience of 'the English' thats for sure. Many of whom have children around into their 30's due to the extortionate cost of housing or who provide the first house deposit.

ErikNorseman · 28/05/2012 10:04

Mrsjay I'm talking statistically, I know there are kids from all backgrounds at university! Statistically (sadly, wrongly) WC kids are less likely to access higher ed. and so less likely to move out at 18.

Mrsjay · 28/05/2012 10:05

I do understand what you are saying erik but there is working class kids out there who do do well

only4tonight · 28/05/2012 10:08

I think you need to make it clear to his parents that September is the end point. If he gets into uni he can get a place in halls. If not he has till then to get a job and find a place to rent. Let his parents have the difficult conversation.

ErikNorseman · 28/05/2012 10:08

Sorry CaptainVT but it is very much part of the British cultural norms that children move out of their parents' homes by their late teens or early twenties. It is expected that children will want to be independent and should be independent. I don't think I'm wrong in saying it's a 'Pakistani thing' for adult children to continue to live at home until they marry, and afterwards if they are male. It's a 'Moroccan thing' for adult children to live at home until they marry and move out with their spouse. It's not a stereotype, it's a cultural norm. Obviously cultural norms don't apply to everyone.
Adult children who stay at home, or return home, solely due to living costs are a modern phenomenon.

halcyondays · 28/05/2012 10:10

Yanbu, you have been kind enough to put him up for months. Now he's finished his exams, there's no reason why he can't move to Ireland and live with his parents for the summer.

mumtoone123 · 28/05/2012 10:13

I don't think anyone is saying its the OPs dutY to look after him - although having just finished A levels Ahe wouldn't have necessarily been able to work at week DS etc.

I think the OP just doesn't want him around - you say you've done your bit. It's up to you of course but we can't pick and choose - he's a PITA to you now (not sure why, but then we've always had family staying), don't be surprised if your discomfort is obvious and colours your future relationship with him.

I really feel for him, but better fr him to be around people that value him and his company. Don't mean to be harsh, I feel you are being U, but your house your rules.

halcyondays · 28/05/2012 10:16

Lots of 18/19 year olds and older do still live with their parents, but that is quite different from being expected to put them up indefinitely as a grandparent. I can't imagine asking my children to leave at that age, but I wouldn't expect to have to put an 18 year old grandchild up indefinitely, when they have two healthy parents who should be doing it.

VashtiBunyan · 28/05/2012 10:16

I wonder how long expecting children to move out in late teens/early twenties can go on for with the cost of housing?

I expect mine are going to be living at home for a long time.

mumtoone123 · 28/05/2012 10:17

Agree also with ericnorseman, and not just because whenever I look at your name I see Alexander Skasgard

CaptainVonTrapp · 28/05/2012 10:18

Cultural norm?? Perhaps you speak for yourself and your family Erik.

The only people I know who have moved out at 18 are those who go to uni with the financial (and practical) support of their parents and return to their parents in holiday time.

My parents generation didn't leave home until they got married.

Does anyone really 'leave home' at 18 in this country? Who gets a job at this age that is good enough to pay rent in this country?

I am genuinely struggling to think of a single person I know who has left home at 18 (or thereabouts). Those that didn't go to uni certainly coudn't afford it until much later or when they got married (ie pooled incomes) to afford somewhere.

Anyhow, no one is suggesting putting him on the street, just returning him to his parents!

ChaoticismyLife · 28/05/2012 10:18

I have a 19yr old at home. He's my son, my responsibility, not my mum's.

To all those who say the OP is BU, what happens if he doesn't get into Uni? Is the OP supposed to let him stay indefinitely?

OP if you do decide to let him stay you need to make it clear that it is only until September. After that he either goes to Uni and then Ireland in the holidays or, if he doesn't get the grades he needs, he goes to Ireland. Staying with you after September is definitely not an option.

If you do decide to let him stay make it clear he needs to at least look for a job, even if it's only for a few hours a week. I'm job hunting atm so I know exactly how difficult it is. Also make it clear if he wants to go to gigs then he is going to have to find a way to fund that himself. You are not his personal bank account.

mumtoone123 · 28/05/2012 10:20

But then our neighbours both have grown up children (late twenties on one side and 40s on other) sharing a house. I don't think it's actually that rate, especially during recessions etc.....

mumeeee · 28/05/2012 10:21

YABU it's only until September. Applying for summer jobs would be good but there are not many jobs around. Do his patents give him an allowance or help you out with his keep?

Shesparkles · 28/05/2012 10:21

Ok so his parents piss off to Ireland in the run up to exams which could pretty much shape the rest of his life, and now you want rid of him too?
I do see the part about wanting your own space, but is no one going to take responsibility for this lad?
Whilst I know it would have done in my head and theirs, I know for a fact that any of my grandparents would have had any of their grandchildren to stay long term without a second thought.

ErikNorseman · 28/05/2012 10:21

Not really CaptainVT - but we can agree to disagree.
BTW two of my brothers moved out at 19. One was a waiter, one a baker's apprentice. They managed to pay the rent. They are only early twenties now, this was only a couple of years ago. They live in Bath too - so not cheap.

HmmThinkingAboutIt · 28/05/2012 10:23

So for the sake of three months you are going to be a miserable old cow?

You are selfish and very unreasonable.

Even if he fails to get a job, its the last time he can be a child with his school/college friends.

Don't you remember what its like to be young. If he was being difficult or making your life hell, it would be a different story. But you yourself said he was a smashing lad.

Suck it up.

CaptainVonTrapp · 28/05/2012 10:24

Whereas my low waged friends (at least for the first years of their jobs) stayed at home for a long time. (Hairdressers childcare etc)

You're right they could probably have afforded a room in a shared house but didn't consider it (and their parents didn't either). Or are you saying your brothers had no choice and were asked to leave?

CaptainVonTrapp · 28/05/2012 10:28

So YANBU OP. His parents seem to have passed the responsibility on to you. And it sound like he's taking a lot but giving nothing.

Are there any jobs you need doing in the house/garden that you could give to him to earn his keep something really awful that you've been putting off for ages ? Perhaps you could get something out of the arrangement and teach him about hard work at the same time...

Salmotrutta · 28/05/2012 10:29

This is why MN can be very funny at times.

I've seen so many threads where a poster moans about GPs not helping enough and then practically the whole of MN will jump down their throats and say they are being selfish/GPs don't have to help/GPs have done their bit etc. etc.!

FWIW - I'd have helped too OP in the way you have but having been extremely glad to see the back of the surly teenage stage in my own DCs I'd not be wanting an extended opportunity to observe it in either of my (toddler) grandsons!!
Who I adore by the way - but teenagers can be very hard work!

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