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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel it's time my grandson was moving on

130 replies

Notfuckingpastit1 · 28/05/2012 00:10

Agreed willingly to look after my 18 year old grandson while he completes his A levels. he really is a smashing lad, no problem with him whatsoever . His parents have moved to Ireland so he needed somewhere to stay until he finishes his exams at the end of June. Problem is, he's hoping to start uni in september (results pending) the plan was he'd go to Ireland once he'd finished. Now he's made it plain he wants to stay until september. He's no income, although he has made the token gesture of applying for a summer job. The problem is, although he's a great lad I would just like my home back for me & my husband. We are not that old 50 & 57, but it's nice just the two of us if you know what I mean? We've done our bit as far as teenagers go with our own kids. Don't really want a teenager sat texting and stroking his spots continually sat with us every evening! He's been with us since February, so feel like I've done my bit. Trouble is can't help feeling like the wicked witch. There's no one else really and he's detirmined he won't live in Ireland

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 28/05/2012 09:24

I think you need to be on his parents back they are taking the piss tbh expecting you to pay for him it doesnt seem they are bothering that much keep at them for money he is their son not yours , make them pay his way

Mrsjay · 28/05/2012 09:24

oh and dont pay for his gigs and summer activities maybe this will be an incentive to get a job ,

AmberNectarine · 28/05/2012 09:28

Hmm, I don't know, it's a tricky one. I get your point about own space etc. but I'd like to think if we were put in a similar situation then my DPs would take my DS (well, I know they would, happily) especially if it's just for a few months.

Am a bit confused as to why he is sitting with you in the evenings - surely he should be out with his mates or revising?

HeathRobinson · 28/05/2012 09:29

I wonder if they left him behind on purpose - ie, to get him to move out? Hmm
Knowing that he wasn't doing too well at school, moving somewhere they know he didn't want to go to.
I know a family who did similar. They moved to Cornwall and left the eldest child behind.

Otherwise, it seems a bit lacking on the parental front. Do they give your gs an allowance?

Also, if he is doing badly at school, what happens if he doesn't get into uni? Resits, repeat a year?

porthcurnick · 28/05/2012 09:30

I would worry about his plans for uni holidays, in most student accommodation they don't have the option of staying on in the holidays and have to bring all of their stuff home with them 3 times a year, christmas, easter and summer.

Is he going to be expecting you to roll up with your car, pack it up, bring him home in the holidays and then take him back at the start of every term.

If it is just until Sept and he is told very clearly that you will not be able for uni holiday stays then perhaps you could hold on 3 more months, I can see it is difficult as I assume all his friends live near you, so of course that's where he wants to be.

Feel quite sorry for this young lad, although the move was down to his parents not you, so certainly not your fault.

mollymole · 28/05/2012 09:31

I can't really get into your mindset - if he is with you until he goes to Uni, surely you are both at work during the day so will not be with him all the time. Tell me, where do you think he is going to get the money to pay rent with, jobs are like hens teeth at the moment. Can't he earn his keep by doing jobs around the house. I am sure it would seem to him that no one really cares about him if you insist on him 'moving out'.

MoreBeta · 28/05/2012 09:33

Hang on. There is a bigger question here.

His parents moved to Ireland while you look after their son just before his A Levels? What were the parents even thinking about? This is a critical time in his life and they dump him on you? Were they intending to have him sponge off you for 7 months?

YANBU at all. You have more than done your bit. Sounds like the parents need a phone call.

HereIGo · 28/05/2012 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

larrygrylls · 28/05/2012 09:37

Molly et al,

I can't get into the mindset of people who feel a grandparent should be both physically and financially responsible for a grandson with two healthy parents. Firstly, he is over 18 so should be trying to get hol jobs etc to help pay his own way. Whatever remains to be paid should be paid by his own parents. His grandparents have gone beyond the call of duty to put him up for months at a time. The least his parents can do is send regular cheques for his upkeep.

HeathRobinson · 28/05/2012 09:41

But what if he doesn't get into uni?

Mrsjay · 28/05/2012 09:43

If he is doing not well at school he may not get into uni ?

Sabriel · 28/05/2012 09:43

I take it that all of you shouting unreasonable don't have older teens? I'm only a year younger than you OP and we have DS3 back from Uni. It isn't about the money (tho he eats us out of house and home). It's constant US cartoons on the TV when I'd like some quiet. It's fighting over one toilet :( It's boots in the middle of the living room and cans everywhere. All that is tolerable if there is an end in sight, but another 3-4 months?

Have you spoken to his parents about the situation? What do they think? You need to sit down with him and explain that nice as it is to have him you need some space. Perhaps he could go to Ireland for a month or so? You do also need to consider that he may expect to come back every holiday. Is that going to work? In the meantime he needs to get a job ASAP so that at least he's out of the house.

VashtiBunyan · 28/05/2012 09:44

Larry, my Grandmother will probably outlive my mother. My grandmother can't live alone. If my mother dies, should I just put my grandmother in a home because in your mind, grandparents and grandchildren aren't responsible for each other?

The UK's attitude to family is an embarrassment.

ComposHat · 28/05/2012 09:45

I am guessing that at 18 the majority of his friends will still be living with their parents, so 'sofa surfing' is not an option, unless those friends have really understanding parents.

The jobs market for teenagers is so limited and wages so low that the chances of him getting a job that will pay him enough to live independently is minimal.

As others have said, he's been dumped on from a massive height by his parents and needs some stability and the last thing he needs are the other adults in his life to do the same. I'd be twisting the arm of his mum and dad to get some financial support.

ImNotBeingUnreasonable · 28/05/2012 09:46

Yabu, he's your grandson. It's only until September, an extra 4 months for you but it's a huge gesture of help that he'll remember for a long time. He's not a handful either as you say, you just don't want him hanging around.

Mrsjay · 28/05/2012 09:47

I have a 19 year old still living at home and yes they can be annoying and untidy but what are we supposed to do throw them out on heir 18th birthday ? not all teenagers move away to university some go nearer home (like mine ) take back your TV and put rules on it i have to or she would have friends on 24/7 sigh I do agree these parents have passed the buck onto grandparents and that is not fair , He needs guidance and loving not moved on imo

larrygrylls · 28/05/2012 09:48

Vashti,

I have no idea where you get your comment to me from what I said in my post?! I am very pro family and always believe the young should look after the aged wherever possible. Family are definitely responsible for one another and, if the parents had died, then I would think the grandparents should assume responsibility. However, they are alive and well and outsourcing their family obligations to their own parents.

All I am saying is that adults should try to help themselves as a first option. Where that is not possible due to study commitments etc, parents have the first obligation to their own children and grandparents should ideally help a bit.

WinkyWinkola · 28/05/2012 09:50

What a lovely granny you are, offering to look after him whilst he completes his exams. Very kind of you especially since you're not obliged to do that at all.

Not long to go now and you'll have your home all back to yourself.

Or you could help him investigate some volunteer work abroad for the summer? VSO or something.

VashtiBunyan · 28/05/2012 09:52

Larry, yes, I do think the parents are primarily responsible. But unless the OP comes back and tell us a bit more, we don't know exactly why they have left one behind. It could be that the mother had to go with the father because they couldn't afford to run two houses, or it could be that the mother had to go to settle younger siblings into a school in time to make an application to secondary school. It is difficult to tell without knowing the circumstances in detail.

ErikNorseman · 28/05/2012 09:52

HereIGo - yes it is an english thing. Not many other cultures expect their kids to leave home at 18-19 the way we do. Then again, it's also to do with privelige as many working class teenagers stay at home longer. Probably as they are less likely to go into higher education or swan off on a gap year!

Vagaceratops · 28/05/2012 09:53

Were you not claiming Child Benefit for him?

VashtiBunyan · 28/05/2012 09:54

When does child benefit stop? Is it at the end of the Summer term of school or the day of the last exam?

ErikNorseman · 28/05/2012 09:55

www.csv.org.uk/?display=volunteering
I did one of these placements when i was 18 and getting under my mum's feet
Brilliant for my CV/University personal statement, and also a brilliant experience. Accommodation paid for, a little bit of pin money, and a lot of growing up, all for the price of a little bit of your time.

ErikNorseman · 28/05/2012 09:55

www.csv.org.uk/?display=volunteering

Mrsjay · 28/05/2012 09:56

child benefit will stop in september for him