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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel it's time my grandson was moving on

130 replies

Notfuckingpastit1 · 28/05/2012 00:10

Agreed willingly to look after my 18 year old grandson while he completes his A levels. he really is a smashing lad, no problem with him whatsoever . His parents have moved to Ireland so he needed somewhere to stay until he finishes his exams at the end of June. Problem is, he's hoping to start uni in september (results pending) the plan was he'd go to Ireland once he'd finished. Now he's made it plain he wants to stay until september. He's no income, although he has made the token gesture of applying for a summer job. The problem is, although he's a great lad I would just like my home back for me & my husband. We are not that old 50 & 57, but it's nice just the two of us if you know what I mean? We've done our bit as far as teenagers go with our own kids. Don't really want a teenager sat texting and stroking his spots continually sat with us every evening! He's been with us since February, so feel like I've done my bit. Trouble is can't help feeling like the wicked witch. There's no one else really and he's detirmined he won't live in Ireland

OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 28/05/2012 07:40

"What will he pay rent with? " I think that was my point and why I said I was mean Smile As he'd need to get a job, even in a cafe or McDonalds. I worked at Legoland when it first opened and had a blast.

Dropdeadfred · 28/05/2012 07:42

I think it's sad you don't want him. I could understand it if you called him surly, lazy, dirty or rude etc but you say he's a good lad. He's your flesh and blood and as others above stated - you may never get the opportunity to have such a close relationship with him again.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 28/05/2012 07:46

Do his parents give you any money for having him?

ArcticRain · 28/05/2012 08:02

May have changed , but during my uni years parents had to collect students and all their stuff if living in halls , which closed during all holidays .

I don't think uabu. However , would you be willing to have home till September with additional ground rules? Job, rent , a couple of evenings a week where you can enjoy the lounge ? Strict rules regarding uni holidays and what your expectations are ?

As someone said , where his parents supplying you with some cash for his keep ?

I wouldn't expect my family to support my children .

FallenCaryatid · 28/05/2012 08:05

'"What will he pay rent with? " I think that was my point and why I said I was mean As he'd need to get a job, even in a cafe or McDonalds. I worked at Legoland when it first opened and had a blast.'

Seriously Teacake, have you got teenagers? I live in a fairly posh bit of the SE and they are all struggling hugely to get any sort of holiday job round here.
Educated, polite, well-presented teenagers. It's really tight ATM.
Yes, I worked through uni back in the 70s and it was a doddle walking into cafe, fast food or bar jobs. Not now.

FallenCaryatid · 28/05/2012 08:06

Just check all the people posting on MN that can't get PT or FT work despite their efforts.

Margerykemp · 28/05/2012 08:09

And when you're old and infirm and need care he should just put you out when you become inconvenient?...

Original poster
Notfuckingpastit1 · 28/05/2012 08:09

Problem is it's not looking like he's going to do very well in his exams which he's already started. He thinks a job going to come looking for him. He's already made it plain as far as he's concerned "this is my home now."

OP posts:
HappyJustToBe · 28/05/2012 08:12

YANBU to want some space back and you've done a brilliant thing by letting him live with you.

Not sure I'd be asking him to leave though if you have an endpoint in sight. Maybe renegotiate? He has to make best efforts to get a job etc.

gettingalifenow · 28/05/2012 08:13

I think YABU but you have an option to give him an ultimatum - you can stay til you go to un but only if you work and pay £x rent per week - otherwise you have to leave . I can't imagine ever saying that to my grandchildren but it gives you an option....

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 28/05/2012 08:22

I feel quite sorry for this lad. His parents have buggered off to another country and left him behind when he is still at an age where he needs their support, and now his Grandmother doesn't want him around either Sad

It's all very well saying he's an adult now, but I doubt most people on this thread would just up and leave their 18yos when they are still in education or just starting out in the adult world. You can't blame him for not wanting to move to Ireland if he has lived here all his life. Why did his parents move?

Original poster
Notfuckingpastit1 · 28/05/2012 08:24

Yes they do pay a very small-amount of rent for him but, it's very hit & miss. He uses whatever toiletries we have in the bathroom & I make his packed lunch for school. That's no problem, but he's got all these ideas of holidays & gigs in the summer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notfuckingpastit1 · 28/05/2012 08:26

Because of my son in laws job. They had no choice really.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 28/05/2012 08:29

Ok, if he's 18 he's more than old enough to make his own packed lunch! He just might not quite be old enough to be completely self sufficient. His parents shouldn't be paying 'hit and miss' rent.

Would you feel better about him living there if the rent you received was a guaranteed decent amount and you had some better ground rules?

Original poster
Notfuckingpastit1 · 28/05/2012 08:46

Because of my son in laws job. They had no choice really. As far as money's concerned it's not really about that.

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheCorner · 28/05/2012 08:53

I am with Freddo and feel sorry for him...18 is still an age where you need a real home to retreat to when things are tough and neither you nor his parents seem willing to offer him that!

he should probably be heavily encouraged to seek work in Ireland after exams as you obv dont want him....can't imagine my Mum being like that tbh.

ArcticRain · 28/05/2012 08:59

With summer coming , no job , money or school , he will probably be around the house a lot . I understand that this can be very frustrating , especially if they are not your own children . I was concerned about having two teens lazing around all summer , however one landed a full time job (very lucky young man), and the other is keen to find a part time job or do a long list of chores I don't have time for , for cash , and help out with his baby sister .

Would you be happy to have him there till September with ground rules or do you just want your space back ? Really , the parents should be the ones worrying about where he should be living . If he needs to go to Ireland then they need to make it clear to him . Unfortunately we do have to do things we don't want to do in this life . That includes 18 year olds .

mrseffington · 28/05/2012 09:02

Hello there - I can completely see where you're coming from. Crikey my dad comes to stay for a week and I'm climbing the walls with wanting my own space from about day 3 (and feeling really bad about it!)

But - he's still a young lad and obviously does see you as his home base - and that's credit to you by the way! However - sounds like it's time for that transition from child to grown up and a big talk about ground rules, finances etc:

  1. His parents should be paying regularly and reliably towards his upkeep. My teen is only 13 and he costs a bloody fortune in food alone!
  2. HE should be paying regularly and reliably towards his upkeep. Granted, it's really hard to get any kind of job just now but at the very least a concerted effort to go out there and find something, even a few hours a week. At the very least, if it's not enough to pay a significant contribution it will allow him a bit of spending money which I presume otherwise you have to fork out.
  3. Erm - lunches. He needs to be making his own. Show him by all means (yes he should know how to make a sandwich but by showing him he has no excuse!). Seriously , this is not being mean this about him beginning to take some responsibility for himself.
  4. Buy him, or get him to buy his own set of toiletries.
  5. Does he have a television in his room? I can't imagine any teen that would want to sit with adults EVERY evening!
  6. You're 50 & 57 - YOU don't have to sit in and watch the television every night. Good lord, you're only 5 years older than me and believe me if I didn't have a 13 and 8 yr old at home to look after I would be enjoying the odd evening out!!

It sounds like he's a good lad - I DO think you should allow him to stay until September - he will really be cast adrift if you don't BUT here is your opportunity to relay the ground rules

Good luck

orangeandlemons · 28/05/2012 09:12

I feel sorry for him too. My ds is exact same age, and I cannot accept that everything had to be dropped to move to Ireland. My prioity in this, would have been my ds's education. What was he supposed to do, drop his A levels 3 months before completing and go with them? Couldn't the job have allowed for him to complete them (it was only 3 months). This imo is the important thing here.

Poor lad. Mt ds is pita, and often long for empty house, BUT this is his life, his friends, contacts and support all all here. I wouldn't have left him 3 months before his A levels, but perhaps that is just me Angry

orangeandlemons · 28/05/2012 09:18

What's wrong with holidays and gigs in the summer? That's what 18 year olds do! I appreciate you have been put upon, but my dh is older than you and we still have ds lazing around, and actually he is good company most of the time.

18 year old boys can be delightful young men too.

thegreylady · 28/05/2012 09:18

Well I would love to had one of my dgc want to live with us! We are 68&76 and although maybe it would be a bit much as a permanent thing a few months is a privilege. You are so lucky he loves you and wants to be with you. Give the lad a helping hand.

VashtiBunyan · 28/05/2012 09:19

Obviously it is your house and you can do what you like, but it is a rather sad that you don't want him around. How are you going to feel when you are old and frail and need to live with a family member (which could end up being him)? Would you want them feeling that your presence is just a hassle?

I don't think you have ever 'done your bit' when you have a family. It is a commitment for life.

Mrsjay · 28/05/2012 09:20

He is only 18 and his parents live elsewhere now his grandma does want him its only until september get him to look for a job over the summer and do your own thing , I know you want your space back but its only a few months and were you realy a grandma at 32 ? wow

mummymeister · 28/05/2012 09:21

i think that you should let him stay but you need to get the "rules" sorted out as mrseffington points out. suggest he goes back to Ireland for a holiday to give you a couple of weeks on your own and make it clear that when he returns the rules will be in place. his mum and dad seem to have copped out a bit from all of this. they need to realise that a DC at uni is like having a 16 year old not having a working 18 yr old. How is he sorting out his uni funding is he giving your address as his? worth checking this all now and getting it clear.

StanleyLambchop · 28/05/2012 09:22

Agree with Oranges & Lemons. His parents should be the ones helping you sort this out, they are the ones who disrupted his life to move to another country. His Dad may have had a job there, but could his Mum not have stayed in the UK for a while so that her son could finish his A levels? They need to come over and talk to you & their son and find a solution. But until they have done this I would not ask him to leave. What if he does not go to his parents in Ireland? Where would he go? I know technically that is not your responsibility but could you really ask him to go if he has nowhere else?

YANBU about the packed lunches though. Direct him to the kitchen, show him where everything is. Then say 'I am having some time off from lunch box making'. Good practice for when he goes to Uni.